Left...again... for another girl

Old 08-29-2019, 12:05 PM
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This new(er) girl may be a party girl. She may ne doing or 100% going along with what ever your ExBF is doing or wants to do.. That could include such things as alcohol, drugs, & out all night partying.

So who knows how it will all go with them. I could think of several scenarios.

Please don't sit on the side line watching to see how this plays out. I cant imagine it would be healthy for you. Your well being should not be based or have anything to do with how their relationship works out.
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Old 08-29-2019, 03:46 PM
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So how do you get to that place of not caring?

You have to work at it. You can't allow yourself to stay in that same place.

To do that you need to start detaching.

I was in a relationship once and I was almost scared to end it in case I got hurt lol - seems funny now, wasn't at the time.

Anyway I continued contact with that person for a few months after we broke up (he moved back to where he had came from). With a lot of talking it out with someone I trust and based on my own observation, I realized it was far more scary to be allowing someone who was completely not to be trusted with my feelings to even be talking to me - ever! It took a while - maybe 4 months or less of being in contact to realize this was really just wasting my time and I think with what had gone on (he was an ass) and having a view from a distance, I realized I needed to protect my feelings.

I also realized if he ended up with someone else (unlikely) that I wasn't going to be sitting on the sidelines watching.

Honestly, aside from being a narcissist lol - he didn't actually do anything bad to me, he left because I wouldn't commit to living with him - because one would be committed if they did!

Bit of a convoluted story there but bottom line I realized that zero of any of that was good for me.

Why are you doing that to yourself? Are you hoping that relationship will crash and burn and he will come back to you? Honestly?
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Old 08-30-2019, 03:49 AM
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Originally Posted by pdm22 View Post
Just wanted to comment about the heroin addiction in and of itself. This is something that hits close to home, because it’s in my family, and I’ve known other long term heroin/ opioid addicts.

Here’s the thing. Certain substances are highly addictive. And just like there are certain personality traits that can predict addiction (impulsivity, neuroticism..), it takes certain personality traits to be able to quit, and some people really struggle with this , even if they really want to quit. Changing behavior is hard. You have to be able to suffer through withdrawals and cravings, stop hanging out with the people you are hanging out with, etc, fill your time completely differently, and trust that the future outcome will be worth it, even as you feel like s***, maybe for a very long time. When you are locked in a cycle of impulsivity, and addiction, and don’t have the tools to delay gratification, it’s an endless battle that some people lose over and over.

And I don’t mean to sound like things are futile and hopeless, and sure there are people who are successful in quitting and staying abstinent, but that in and of itself becomes everything when you are still locked in the cycle of addiction. Of course the individual, after a period of stability and abstinence can start to explore what the underlying issues (if any) may be that may have been driving the addiction. But the addiction in and of itself is an extremely powerful thing. I think you can wish for the person with every fiber of your being that they succeed in winning this battle, but sometimes even the people who really want to stop, aren’t successful. The drug use becomes a way of life for them long term. Whether you take a front row seat for this, or let them be and don’t watch, the outcome is going to be what it’s going to be. You can’t change that for them.

To me, hopping from one drug to another (including alcohol) is never a good sign. Neither is not being in some kind of ongoing treatment or recovery. It’s sad to watch, it really is. And sometimes it can be scary and dangerous. Of course we want the people who we love to be successful in their battle with this, but you have to be very careful how much of yourself you allow into it, it can feel like being sucked into a black hole if you don’t protect yourself. .
thank you for the wise words.... I too have seen heroine addiction and opiate addiction within my family and we were lucky enough that all three of them have found recovery/staying clean... one is five years clean and does drink periodically... I guess that’s what convinced me that maybe my ex could do that too... however I don’t know for sure if he is back on heroine, he is still spending every night at the bar our until 2-3 in the morning and has another girlfriend.... all previous signs he isn’t doing well

all i I can do is move forward and wish the best for him I suppose but man does it hurt
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Old 08-30-2019, 03:51 AM
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
This new(er) girl may be a party girl. She may ne doing or 100% going along with what ever your ExBF is doing or wants to do.. That could include such things as alcohol, drugs, & out all night partying.

So who knows how it will all go with them. I could think of several scenarios.

Please don't sit on the side line watching to see how this plays out. I cant imagine it would be healthy for you. Your well being should not be based or have anything to do with how their relationship works out.
Hi hard lessons, I get the feeling she is involved or condones whatever it is he is doing, everything about their situation seems extremely sketchy... I guess if I knew they weren’t utterly totally in love and happy I would probably feel better...
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Old 08-30-2019, 03:54 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
So how do you get to that place of not caring?

You have to work at it. You can't allow yourself to stay in that same place.

To do that you need to start detaching.

I was in a relationship once and I was almost scared to end it in case I got hurt lol - seems funny now, wasn't at the time.

Anyway I continued contact with that person for a few months after we broke up (he moved back to where he had came from). With a lot of talking it out with someone I trust and based on my own observation, I realized it was far more scary to be allowing someone who was completely not to be trusted with my feelings to even be talking to me - ever! It took a while - maybe 4 months or less of being in contact to realize this was really just wasting my time and I think with what had gone on (he was an ass) and having a view from a distance, I realized I needed to protect my feelings.

I also realized if he ended up with someone else (unlikely) that I wasn't going to be sitting on the sidelines watching.

Honestly, aside from being a narcissist lol - he didn't actually do anything bad to me, he left because I wouldn't commit to living with him - because one would be committed if they did!

Bit of a convoluted story there but bottom line I realized that zero of any of that was good for me.

Why are you doing that to yourself? Are you hoping that relationship will crash and burn and he will come back to you? Honestly?
hi trailmix, I guess I get this awful paranoia that he’s going to end up marrying her or being happy with her forever and it makes me feel like I was never good enough... I am not wishing he would come back to me, or I guess maybe a little so I could tell him to pound sand... his actions are so opposite from the person I loved I feel bamboozled and like everything between us was a lie
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Old 08-30-2019, 06:02 AM
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Today is tougher than normal... the last week or so I have been able to talk myself down when I get upset but today the feeling won’t shake

is he back on drugs?
is he extremely happy?
is this new girl everything I wasn’t?

its a lot to process and shake and today feels extremely overwhelming that I will never speak to him again
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Old 08-30-2019, 08:44 AM
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You will be ok Linzey

Difficult days are to be expected. Given the circumstance of what you have been through its normal.

Take a deep breath let the air out slowly. Just focus on breathing.

Find something you can focus on to take your mind off of all this if even for a short period of time. When we dwell in these dark places for extended periods, we get anxious, depressed, and upset. You have to consciously change that channel in your mind.

Please understand these types of feelings will get better with time. It honestly did for me. We have to be keenly aware of where our mind is taking us.

You have to fix you. He isn't going to be able to do that for you.

I hope you find some peace today.
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Old 08-30-2019, 09:55 AM
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is he back on drugs?
is he extremely happy?
is this new girl everything I wasn’t?

Yes, he is using drugs. He is out at the bar until 2-3 every night. Never discount the power of alcohol. Even if he isn't using heroin or whatever else at the moment, alcohol is a very powerful drug.

It seems harmless, it's sold everywhere and the ads look enticing, sipping coolers while swinging on a rope in to the lake.

It's a drug just like any other, possibly just as powerful as heroin and certainly just as addictive over time, so never imagine he isn't using drugs, he is.

He has been away what - 8 weeks? He hasn't changed. If he has he is the most remarkable addict ever. Even if he has kicked the heroin, no addict changes their mindset in 2 months and the certainly don't do it at a bar getting high.

Did you ever know him to be "extremely happy"? I mean for more than an hour? Nothing has changed.

The new girl, everything you weren't? What exactly did he tell you? Aside from the fact that you didn't accept his addiction, I'm guessing he put you down in other ways on a regular basis. That can batter your self-esteem, no matter how strong you think it is.

Always remember, addiction MUST protect itself and addicts must protect their addiction. Whatever he said to you was probably part of that defence. You can't believe what they say.

Have you seen bluelight's thread over in the alcoholism forum? Her addict said to her:

There was of course a range of responses from angry and pointing it back at me that I don't want to look at my short comings and that all i focus on is the drinking- to by the end of the conversation he said I am right
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...led-again.html (Update on (x)ABF- entangled again)

That's the merry go round right? See the defense then admitting he was wrong. Trying all angles, not caring that his words hurt.

None of this is normal.
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Old 08-30-2019, 12:03 PM
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I’ve known some people who took unconventional approaches to their substance usage, like leaving the country and joining an Ashram, or going off the grid and taking up organic farming. That kind of thing I get, and it does make sense to me. I can see how certain unconventional approaches can help people. But yeah, hanging out in bars isn’t a solution- it’s just another slippery environment that fuels addiction . And this new relationship is probably one of those relationships revolving around substance abuse.

However, I do hope that something “clicks” for you and you stop looking at what he’s doing. This is something I struggled with with my first boyfriend too . In hindsight, I wish I would have stopped paying attention to him earlier. All it did was drag things out for me, and gave him an ego boost, that I was always there in the background pining for him. Until I wasn’t. I think he was shocked when I stopped doing that, and he had zero access to me. He had his chances, but when the door was closed, it was closed permanently.

That’s a skill I had to learn, and think I’ve gotten better at over the years, is channeling my loyalties towards those who deserve it, and not giving energy to those who don’t. Including space in my head. That included a few friendships that fizzled over the years. But in those situations as well, I’ve blocked and deleted numbers, and give people zero access to my social media, and don’t look on theirs. Why bother giving them attention, even in your own mind. I hope for you, that you get to that point too. It might seem innocent, looking at a picture, asking a mutual person about what they are up to- but these things add up, and set a person back, and before you know it, years can go by, and a person is still doing this kind of thing and not getting better because of the constant triggers..
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Old 09-02-2019, 09:33 AM
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Thank you all for your words of wisdom... I took this long weekend as an opportunity to see people I haven’t seen in a while... went to a concert and Labor Day party and got a pedicure...

when I’m busy it seems a little easier to accept what is.. today feels a little bit backwards but overwhelm I am feeling very fortunate for finding this site.. not many of the people in my life “understand”... and boy do I envy them for that naiveness
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Old 09-02-2019, 11:22 AM
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Glad to hear you are getting out. It seems counter-intuitive sometimes, when you are a bit down or really down who wants to go out. Even if it might lift your spirits a bit you can hate sharing your less than stellar mood with others (at least i'm that way).

As you go along, as you start feeling a bit more "normal" and stronger, you can accept more realization and as you do you, in turn, will feel more normal and stronger.

While thinking, he might contact me - might feel good on the surface, accepting that perhaps you don't really want him to - while initially painful, will actually start setting you free from those really negative emotions.

Not that you shouldn't feel negative emotions, of course that's totally normal, you just don't want to get stuck there.
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Old 09-02-2019, 05:21 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Glad to hear you are getting out. It seems counter-intuitive sometimes, when you are a bit down or really down who wants to go out. Even if it might lift your spirits a bit you can hate sharing your less than stellar mood with others (at least i'm that way).

As you go along, as you start feeling a bit more "normal" and stronger, you can accept more realization and as you do you, in turn, will feel more normal and stronger.

While thinking, he might contact me - might feel good on the surface, accepting that perhaps you don't really want him to - while initially painful, will actually start setting you free from those really negative emotions.

Not that you shouldn't feel negative emotions, of course that's totally normal, you just don't want to get stuck there.
thank you trailmix... this weekend felt a little lighter, today felt difficult again

i can definitely relate to the conflicted feelings of “I hope he contacts me” but also knowing that they may not be the best thing to happen..... my feeling are convoluted right now, I don’t know exactly what I wish for... mostly for him and his new fling to break up 😂😂😂
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Old 09-03-2019, 06:55 AM
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It's good that you can say that, that's honest and it's important to examine this stuff so you can work through it.

Do you just want to see him punished for his poor behaviour, for him to suffer a bit? Or do you hope he breaks up with her so he might come back to you?
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Old 09-03-2019, 07:29 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
It's good that you can say that, that's honest and it's important to examine this stuff so you can work through it.

Do you just want to see him punished for his poor behaviour, for him to suffer a bit? Or do you hope he breaks up with her so he might come back to you?
Hi Trailmix, I do not want him back for good, I am 25 and have been put through his roller coaster of emotions push and pull for since I was 15, I don’t want to deal with the chaos anymore (regardless of how much I miss him every single day), however I want him to have to feel what he did and realize what he lost.. he always said I was the best thing to happen to him and non stop this last 1.5-2 years... so this really came out of nowhere and is another reason why I think he’s slipping or slipped or not doing well... the alcohol indicates that but for some reason my stomach doesjt think that is all...

either way I guess to answer your question, I want him to have to face being alone and lonely and the life he threw away AGAIN.. him contacting me would feel great and I think I have the mindset right now to not let him back but it sure would feel good...

my mom said she thinks I prepared myself for this when he came back last time... I can’t decide if I did or not, however I know that even as a mess I am, I seem to be doing a bit better than the last time (last time called him 50 times a night blew his phone up for months, cried begged, freaked out when he got a new girlfiend)... this time was nowhere near all that, however I only showed panic to him for probably about a month and definitely did not call him 50 times or text him 50 times
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Old 09-03-2019, 07:35 AM
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I think asking an active addict (huge amount of alcohol if nothing else) to "feel" anything is a pretty big order.

Some day, someday he may be clean and understand what he lost, who knows. Plus that someday might be 10-20-30 years down the road, or never.

Even if this girl stormed out on him tomorrow, what makes you think that would hurt him anyway? It's almost like you're applying regular thinking to the thinking of an addict and I know you have enough experience with this to know that isn't accurate.
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Old 09-03-2019, 10:09 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I think asking an active addict (huge amount of alcohol if nothing else) to "feel" anything is a pretty big order.

Some day, someday he may be clean and understand what he lost, who knows. Plus that someday might be 10-20-30 years down the road, or never.

Even if this girl stormed out on him tomorrow, what makes you think that would hurt him anyway? It's almost like you're applying regular thinking to the thinking of an addict and I know you have enough experience with this to know that isn't accurate.
I have tried educate myself as much as possible on addiction over the years.. I have seen it through family (uncle, brother) then him.. however I’m still stumped sometimes at the way an addict can feel absolutely nothing.. how he could leave the way he did and never feel another thing toward me... I guess that part I have a hard time with... he won’t ever have to acknowledge what he threw away? I stood by him in the darkest of times over the last 10 years... and when things got rough (first time he went to rehab - he bailed) and ow this time we were arguing for several months (mostly because of his drinking and him out - he says I never trust him and never will) he bails again...

the more time time away from the situation the more it seems like he is taking the easy way out, since for 1.5-2years he tried so hard (seemingly) to work with me with the trust issues...

i guess i have a hard hard time determining if he really got sick of the fact I had trust issues or if he didn’t want to deal with me anymore and used that as an excuse
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Old 09-03-2019, 10:29 AM
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I don't think it's that addicts don't have feelings. Everyone has feelings. It's that they will do whatever is necessary to avoid feeling the ones that are uncomfortable.

I know this particular bit of advice can be infuriating, but do try not to take his actions personally. They really are all about his addiction and not about your worth as a partner.
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Old 09-03-2019, 11:01 AM
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Yes, I didn't mean he doesn't have feelings but hey, that's what drugs are for.

Absolutely, addicts walk out on their children, their spouses, their parents and siblings every day of the week and never look back.

I replied to a post this morning from a Husband whose wife had been in recovery for over a year and was doing well. He had been away for work and got a call that his wife had left his 1 and 4 year old children alone while she went off with a dealer. She did have the decency to call his family member to let them know before she left them there.

So yes, I would say it's entirely possible to block feelings out with drugs.

Aside from that, the addicted brain is not like your brain. You cannot apply normal things to an addicted brain. He does not think like non-addicted people think (broad generalization, but you get the idea). As sparklekitty said as well, this isn't about you personally.
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Old 09-03-2019, 11:11 AM
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Linzey

Your right not to trust him He is not trust worthy at all.

Years ago I foolishly trusted my addict. It took time because she doesn't trust anyone, but she did trust me. Over time she completely obliterated my trust in her. She destroyed it.

If for some reason her & I interacted, I would never trust her again. She is not trust worthy.
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Old 09-04-2019, 04:50 AM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
I don't think it's that addicts don't have feelings. Everyone has feelings. It's that they will do whatever is necessary to avoid feeling the ones that are uncomfortable.

I know this particular bit of advice can be infuriating, but do try not to take his actions personally. They really are all about his addiction and not about your worth as a partner.
I try not to take it personal, but after leaving once, coming back and for two years working “to show me otherwise” and doing it again.. it’s a bit hard not to wonder what in the heck am I doing
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