Left...again... for another girl

Old 08-28-2019, 03:16 AM
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
Linzey

For the first 6 months or so after I met her, I wasn't aware of the drug use. Anyone looking at it now, would be fair to say I was beyond stupid for not seeing things as they were. For whatever reason I failed to put 2 & 2 together to make 4. As most things are when it comes to her, It was all beyond me. Was I blind stupid - yes. I am not normally like that with anything else in my life.

There came a time when she started opening up & telling me about her life. She told me the truth of extremely difficult subjects. It all came out over about a 6 month period.

One subject was about drug use. She admitted to being an IV heroin user since the age of 15. She tried to soft peddle it at first. Claiming she was now in recovery & on a daily dose of methadone & she had been going to the clinic daily for about 3 years. I knew nothing about it. As time went on more was revealed (common saying around here). I also learned a lot by reading online. I read everything I could find about heroin, methadone, addiction, addicts, co-dependency etc etc etc. Its a giant subject area.

The more I read the more I came to understand her & her crazy life. Understand her in a way she could never explain to me. I also found understanding for myself & what was happening to me. Although I didn't like what I was discovering, it all made perfect sense. I learned what to look for & found it all - signs of drug use.

She opened up to me about her life. She told me a lot about herself. She wanted me to understand who & what she was. I give her credit for that. It wasn't easy for her to do. Most of it was told through hysterical type tears. In the end it was extremely overwhelming for me. I am still overwhelmed by it. It saddens me to even type this now.

BTW yes I did try to talk to her about it all - over & over. She didn't want to hear any of it. She didn't want that type of help. She simply wanted me to know but didn't want to change anything. She wanted me to know & accept her for who & what she was - lock stock & barrel. Thinking back she was asking for a whole lot. Foolishly I tried very hard for years but it became something way beyond what I was capable of doing.

If you have any other questions feel free to ask.
gosh that is heart breaking, I am so sorry you had to go through such a similar situation. I met my addict when I was 15, somewhere along the line he started using heroine, first time he left it BLINDSIDED me I had NO idea... I guess when he came back I thought this time was different, as you know.. you never know with them
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Old 08-28-2019, 03:17 AM
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thank you.. maybe it’s my pride, but watching it play out will hopefully help... although it feels so difficult to accept he’s wining and dining someone else right now.. maybe it’s the fact that someone else gets that fantasy and he has the chance to not mess it up this time... idk what it is but this new relationship of his almost immediately stings worse than his drug use did
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Old 08-28-2019, 03:19 AM
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
Also

I know nothing of her life for a bit over the past year.

During the first year of being apart from her we had several contacts. Nothing in her life changed for the good. Things got worse. There were crazy bad things going on. All documented no BS. All of those contacts were bad for me. Each left me with my head just spinning.

June of 2018 was the last contact. More crazy.

Is her life better today? I don't know but based on the past, I have no reason to think it is. Maybe a big difference between you & me, I wish her life was better now - way better than ever (regardless of who she is with). I couldn't make that happen - I tried hard but failed miserably. But I wish that for her.

Is your addict all better today? Heroin addict now drinking saying clean from heroin. I seriously doubt it. I don't know your addict but I do know about the subject of heroin addiction.
i struggle with this mindset a lot... I know a couple heroine addicts that drink and stay off drugs however they aren’t out at a bar until 2/3 in the morning.. but I do struggle with the thought, wondering if he becoming someone I wished I could have enjoyed or if he has us all blind sided once again including her
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Old 08-28-2019, 08:49 AM
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You know him, what's his M.O.

How long has he ever been sober at a stretch and I mean no drugs, no drinking, no mind altering substances?

Never maybe in all the time you have known him?

He's been gone a few weeks. He drinks copious amounts and is dating a bar tender. Nothing wrong with dating a bar tender, except perhaps when you have a drug problem.

maybe it’s the fact that someone else gets that fantasy and he has the chance to not mess it up this time... idk what it is but this new relationship of his almost immediately stings worse than his drug use did
Of course it does. With the addiction you were the helper and the person who stood by him etc. With this it's just watching this person you helped from afar.

You used the word fantasy and what you are experiencing is just that. The person you are fantasizing about doesn't exist. The world you imagine him to be living in, doesn't exist. These were your hopes and dreams, which never happened, because he is not that guy.

There is another member here that posts in F&F of alcoholics, Glenjo. His ex-boyfriend is an alcoholic and they had a huge fight, boyfriend ended up in rehab and Glenjo when home (was visiting him in another country). Ok that is the nutshell version.

He was convinced that now the ex was in rehab he would exit there and be living a great life with someone new.

That didn't happen, it was all a train wreck.

Here is one of his earlier threads if you are interested:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-hear-him.html (Should I text him or wait to hear from him?)
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Old 08-28-2019, 09:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Linzey0706 View Post
[left]

maybe it’s the fact that someone else gets that fantasy
ive seen quite a few fantasy movies turn into nightmare movies real quick.
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Old 08-28-2019, 12:16 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
You know him, what's his M.O.

How long has he ever been sober at a stretch and I mean no drugs, no drinking, no mind altering substances?

Never maybe in all the time you have known him?

He's been gone a few weeks. He drinks copious amounts and is dating a bar tender. Nothing wrong with dating a bar tender, except perhaps when you have a drug problem.



Of course it does. With the addiction you were the helper and the person who stood by him etc. With this it's just watching this person you helped from afar.

You used the word fantasy and what you are experiencing is just that. The person you are fantasizing about doesn't exist. The world you imagine him to be living in, doesn't exist. These were your hopes and dreams, which never happened, because he is not that guy.

There is another member here that posts in F&F of alcoholics, Glenjo. His ex-boyfriend is an alcoholic and they had a huge fight, boyfriend ended up in rehab and Glenjo when home (was visiting him in another country). Ok that is the nutshell version.

He was convinced that now the ex was in rehab he would exit there and be living a great life with someone new.

That didn't happen, it was all a train wreck.

Here is one of his earlier threads if you are interested:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-hear-him.html (Should I text him or wait to hear from him?)
You’re so right... I have known this kid since I was 15, when I was 21 his drug addiction came out, BLINDSIDED me I had no idea at all but I knew he liked to drink and party just never knew of his heroine habit.. after he went away he left me, two years, he was clean off drugs for like a year he said but he had started drinking around 10 months moved out of the sober home and went backwards.. fast forward two years after it all came crashing down with the girl he was living with and he contacted me (I didn’t know he was back on drugs) I told him we could be friends and for a long time I really did mean that I kept my distance.. slowly by surely he suckered me back in after he went away again... I visited him he was doing wonderful... I told him I wanted a future If he could keep himself straight.. he started drinking and I told him it wasn’t good, but he said he could handle it and genuinely believed that when “you’re done with heroine you’re done”... and for a while (nov-junish) I believed it too but then he stared going out to the bar all the time and being sketchy, and then he came home in July and we blew up and he left me saying it’s always back to the past with him and he can’t live like that and I make him miserable and blah blah blah and then this girl came out... I guess I’ll never know but at first I thought it was all because of her.. now I’m wondering if it’s more than that with your experience and wise words you have my wondering what’s actually going on...


however thank you! I will check out the other articles, it puts some sanity back in my head to read similar situations from everyone who has had the same series of unfortunate events
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Old 08-28-2019, 12:17 PM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
ive seen quite a few fantasy movies turn into nightmare movies real quick.
lol, I appreciate this.. because my whole life the last ten years has been blip-its of wonderful times turned to hell, usually ended by my addict leaving *face palm*

last time I talked to him he told me he was doing wonderful and he didn’t leave me for that girl he left me because I made him miserable
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Old 08-28-2019, 12:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Linzey0706 View Post
lol, I appreciate this.. because my whole life the last ten years has been blip-its of wonderful times turned to hell, usually ended by my addict leaving *face palm*

last time I talked to him he told me he was doing wonderful and he didn’t leave me for that girl he left me because I made him miserable
Do you know why you "made him miserable"? Because he is an addict and wants to continue to be an addict.

Yes, he may also want all the things you do but he can't have them because he is an addict. Addicts can't have long term, loving, "normal" relationships.

we worked for two years to try to “prove to me”
i guess I just kept my hopes up for too long that he ACTUALLY wanted different, but when he started drinking I should have known otherwise
He doesn't seem to have a problem with his drugging/drinking, but you do (and that's ok). I mean he would like to quit, maybe, someday.
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Old 08-28-2019, 02:09 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Do you know why you "made him miserable"? Because he is an addict and wants to continue to be an addict.

Yes, he may also want all the things you do but he can't have them because he is an addict. Addicts can't have long term, loving, "normal" relationships.




He doesn't seem to have a problem with his drugging/drinking, but you do (and that's ok). I mean he would like to quit, maybe, someday.
it just went bad so fast, still trying to make sense of the situation and why it changed so fast
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Old 08-28-2019, 02:19 PM
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maybe the Universe was helping YOU out a bit?
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Old 08-28-2019, 02:44 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
maybe the Universe was helping YOU out a bit?
everyone keeps saying that, but it doesn’t make sense how... leaving one thing, a whole new relationship after a seemingly good majority of the last year feels like a sick trick by the universe
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Old 08-28-2019, 03:12 PM
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so that YOU could get out before the train went careening off the tracks, again. because you were not able to let go on your own. ripping off the bandaid in one yank, rather than pulling it off one painful millimeter at a time.
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Old 08-28-2019, 04:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Linzey0706 View Post


everyone keeps saying that, but it doesn’t make sense how... leaving one thing, a whole new relationship after a seemingly good majority of the last year feels like a sick trick by the universe
The truth is you two want two different things.

Let's say your passion is to travel the world. Preferably an overseas destination for a week every month (and you have the money and time off to do this).

What if your SO hates to travel, best time for him is staying at home watching TV or playing board games or fetch with the 3 dogs he brought to the relationship (you like cats).

Or switch that around - you like board games he likes travel.

Are you going to be content and happy every month when he takes off to Bangkok or Monaco and leaves you with the dogs?

Maybe at first, after a while that will wear thin, might even start to build resentment. Do you tell him to knock off the travel? Insist he travel with you half the time? (ie: try to change him or have him change you).

Well you could, but that's neither logical nor fair nor realistic. Someone is going to be miserable. You and the addict were no better of a match.

You want a sober guy that you can settle down with, get married, be treated well and with respect and etc - all the "normal" relationship things.

He is not that guy. He tried to be. He can't do it, can't, won't not now, perhaps not ever.

People don't generally just hop in to another relationship, but he NEEDS someone to fill that huge hole in his life. That missing piece he tries to fill with heroin and alcohol. Plus don't put your feelings on him, as in, why isn't he at least grieving or sad etc. He has drugs for that, he doesn't have to face this.

Anyway, that's my take on it.
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Old 08-28-2019, 06:48 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
so that YOU could get out before the train went careening off the tracks, again. because you were not able to let go on your own. ripping off the bandaid in one yank, rather than pulling it off one painful millimeter at a time.
looking back, I have a mixture of feelings, some that are thankful for the wonderful memories we made during the good times, others are wishing I could go back and tell my addict to “pound sand” when he came back...

harsh or not, at least I’m not feening for him to fix things anymore, although a nice begging session would feel pretty good
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Old 08-28-2019, 06:49 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
The truth is you two want two different things.

Let's say your passion is to travel the world. Preferably an overseas destination for a week every month (and you have the money and time off to do this).

What if your SO hates to travel, best time for him is staying at home watching TV or playing board games or fetch with the 3 dogs he brought to the relationship (you like cats).

Or switch that around - you like board games he likes travel.

Are you going to be content and happy every month when he takes off to Bangkok or Monaco and leaves you with the dogs?

Maybe at first, after a while that will wear thin, might even start to build resentment. Do you tell him to knock off the travel? Insist he travel with you half the time? (ie: try to change him or have him change you).

Well you could, but that's neither logical nor fair nor realistic. Someone is going to be miserable. You and the addict were no better of a match.

You want a sober guy that you can settle down with, get married, be treated well and with respect and etc - all the "normal" relationship things.

He is not that guy. He tried to be. He can't do it, can't, won't not now, perhaps not ever.

People don't generally just hop in to another relationship, but he NEEDS someone to fill that huge hole in his life. That missing piece he tries to fill with heroin and alcohol. Plus don't put your feelings on him, as in, why isn't he at least grieving or sad etc. He has drugs for that, he doesn't have to face this.

Anyway, that's my take on it.
thats a good outlook, I want bigger things in life.. I thought he did too..

the sad part is the friendship we built before all this was so wonderful, now I feel like I don’t even recognize the man I loved for 10 years, I feel disgusted and angry with myself and him
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Old 08-28-2019, 07:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Linzey0706 View Post


thats a good outlook, I want bigger things in life.. I thought he did too..

the sad part is the friendship we built before all this was so wonderful, now I feel like I don’t even recognize the man I loved for 10 years, I feel disgusted and angry with myself and him
Many, many partners of alcoholics say that very same thing. Where is the guy I started out with. That's kind of part of the hook.

Addiction is progressive, it isn't what it was 5-10 years ago. He is not the same person you met, or the guy you knew 5 years ago.

We all change, but it's usually pretty gradual and when there is a solid foundation relationships can weather that.

So you think if he could just dump the heroin, alcohol - whatever his drug of choice is today, we would be fine!

Well no, because he never was truly sober. Perhaps abstaining for a while (maybe) but recovery is a way of life, it's not just about abstaining, so where was his support group, where was a therapist or AA or Nar-Anon or any other support? He didn't have any I'm guessing.

Without that support it's probably not going to work. Why? Because it isn't just about the drugs, it's whatever was or is underlying that. He didn't get to be a heroin junkie or now a heavy drinker because he likes to inject smack and drink beer, it's because he is covering something. Emotion, emotional upheaval, pain, trauma, whatever it is. Something.

Until he gets help for that, until he is ready to do the hard work that is involved, that's not going to happen, he may never choose that.
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Old 08-29-2019, 03:03 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Many, many partners of alcoholics say that very same thing. Where is the guy I started out with. That's kind of part of the hook.

Addiction is progressive, it isn't what it was 5-10 years ago. He is not the same person you met, or the guy you knew 5 years ago.

We all change, but it's usually pretty gradual and when there is a solid foundation relationships can weather that.

So you think if he could just dump the heroin, alcohol - whatever his drug of choice is today, we would be fine!

Well no, because he never was truly sober. Perhaps abstaining for a while (maybe) but recovery is a way of life, it's not just about abstaining, so where was his support group, where was a therapist or AA or Nar-Anon or any other support? He didn't have any I'm guessing.

Without that support it's probably not going to work. Why? Because it isn't just about the drugs, it's whatever was or is underlying that. He didn't get to be a heroin junkie or now a heavy drinker because he likes to inject smack and drink beer, it's because he is covering something. Emotion, emotional upheaval, pain, trauma, whatever it is. Something.

Until he gets help for that, until he is ready to do the hard work that is involved, that's not going to happen, he may never choose that.
thank you trailmix...appreciate the words of wisdom...

i had myself convinced that he didn’t want to go backwards so he just won’t, even though I don’t know for sure, I’m starting to feel like he probably did and I was the one to get kicked to the curb to create his ”ideal perfect life”

so sad, yet nothing I can do about it - I come here for some sanity and reasoning lol
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Old 08-29-2019, 03:38 AM
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His notion of "an ideal perfect life" is very different than yours. Night vs day type difference.

Was exactly the same between my addict & myself. As example: I bought a house for her & her daughter to live in. A nice house in safe good neighborhood, close to school, all utilities, etc etc etc. Crazy illegal activity went on in that house. I wanted that house for her to create a stable life. She wanted & tuned it into a party house.

What he wants for his life & what you want for yours are not the same.
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Old 08-29-2019, 05:08 AM
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
His notion of "an ideal perfect life" is very different than yours. Night vs day type difference.

Was exactly the same between my addict & myself. As example: I bought a house for her & her daughter to live in. A nice house in safe good neighborhood, close to school, all utilities, etc etc etc. Crazy illegal activity went on in that house. I wanted that house for her to create a stable life. She wanted & tuned it into a party house.

What he wants for his life & what you want for yours are not the same.
i can agree with that, however maybe this is egocentric, but I feel like I’ll feel better once I see it is not working out for this girl any better... my mind has me convinced it’s going to work out wonderful and he’ll never regret treating me the way he has
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Old 08-29-2019, 05:38 AM
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Just wanted to comment about the heroin addiction in and of itself. This is something that hits close to home, because it’s in my family, and I’ve known other long term heroin/ opioid addicts.

Here’s the thing. Certain substances are highly addictive. And just like there are certain personality traits that can predict addiction (impulsivity, neuroticism..), it takes certain personality traits to be able to quit, and some people really struggle with this , even if they really want to quit. Changing behavior is hard. You have to be able to suffer through withdrawals and cravings, stop hanging out with the people you are hanging out with, etc, fill your time completely differently, and trust that the future outcome will be worth it, even as you feel like s***, maybe for a very long time. When you are locked in a cycle of impulsivity, and addiction, and don’t have the tools to delay gratification, it’s an endless battle that some people lose over and over.

And I don’t mean to sound like things are futile and hopeless, and sure there are people who are successful in quitting and staying abstinent, but that in and of itself becomes everything when you are still locked in the cycle of addiction. Of course the individual, after a period of stability and abstinence can start to explore what the underlying issues (if any) may be that may have been driving the addiction. But the addiction in and of itself is an extremely powerful thing. I think you can wish for the person with every fiber of your being that they succeed in winning this battle, but sometimes even the people who really want to stop, aren’t successful. The drug use becomes a way of life for them long term. Whether you take a front row seat for this, or let them be and don’t watch, the outcome is going to be what it’s going to be. You can’t change that for them.

To me, hopping from one drug to another (including alcohol) is never a good sign. Neither is not being in some kind of ongoing treatment or recovery. It’s sad to watch, it really is. And sometimes it can be scary and dangerous. Of course we want the people who we love to be successful in their battle with this, but you have to be very careful how much of yourself you allow into it, it can feel like being sucked into a black hole if you don’t protect yourself. .
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