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-   -   New here. Husband abuses pills (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/441426-new-here-husband-abuses-pills.html)

SmartRose 08-25-2019 03:10 PM

New here. Husband abuses pills
 
Hi everyone. I am new here. I was referred by someone in a Facebook group for childless adults. I really need a place to talk, vent, and get some advice until I can find a good counselor to begin seeing to help me get my thoughts straight.

I have a long story, so I will try to make it short. Husband and I have been together for about 5 years. No children for either of us and age is not on our side. We have undergone fertility treatments with no luck. Recently discovered that he has low counts, so now taking time to increase the counts. But last night, I discovered a bag of pills (hydrocodone), and I am guessing this is part of the drop in his count. :mad:

Back story: my husband was into drugs and alcohol as a teen. Pretty hardcore. But when I met him he had cleaned up his life, didn't drink or smoke. Through our time together, I've had suspicions. I found some pills a couple years ago. They were hydrocodone too. And he never has money. He even stole money from me. He always has excuses and reasons he needs money. He makes me feel bad for him because he has no family support and has had to work from the bottom up to be successful. I suspect many lies, but it has been difficult to find proof. :rohno!: He has said he is not taking pills anymore and he has done a little better helping with bills but still has money troubles. He does payday loans and lies about them. I never see his mail but find them sometimes hidden. The secrets are killing me and I bring them up to him only to be told that I'm the problem. I know that is not true but idk where to go from here.

Every so often, I just feel he is being weirder than normal and secretive. So last night I checked his old hiding spot, and there was a bag of about 41 hydrocodone. Today they are moved so pretty sure he guesses that I saw them. I think he places things in a certain way to see if they get moved, so he knows if I've been searching. So, there goes his share of the bill money, and now I wonder what's going on every time he shuts the door to the bathroom.

He is not an angry person or physically or verbally abusive. He mostly just shuts down when upset. He has a lot of anxiety he doesn't deal with.

I guess I just don't know where to go from here. At this point, I feel like I'm the one going crazy and I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. :headbange I will be confronting him, but I do not know how. I do know not to be accusing or angry and to let him know that I do love him, but it is time to put my foot down, and I'm not sure how to make that happen. He has basically ignored me all day. I know that he knows that I am upset. He probably knows or suspects that I saw the pills, so now he is in avoidance mode. Any advice or support is welcome! :tyou

AnvilheadII 08-25-2019 04:18 PM

welcome to SR. so sorry for what brought you here.

you are among friends. you are among others who know what you are going thru and what life with active addiction is all about.

i'm a former addict and from what you have shared your AH is using, no doubt about it. the pills, the money, the lies, the deception. if he didn't have anything to hide, none of this would be in your world. your own husband stole money from you.

to be blunt - it's not as bad as you fear - it's worse. 40 pills is a lot. to have as a stash. he's not getting those from a physician. it might as well be an 8 ball of coke, or a bunch of heroin. hydros can range from $5-$20 a pill. 40 pills at the low end is $200. high end $800. he ain't saving 'em - he's using them - daily. more than........

you deserve better. you are not responsible for changing someone who stole from you, lied to you, disrespects you. that is not love.

SmartRose 08-25-2019 04:59 PM

Thank you for your reply. Yes, I looked up the cost of those pills, and at the low end, it is still a lot of $. So, my fears of where the money was going have been confirmed now. It's so difficult because I often feel like I KNOW something is wrong, but I can never prove it. So, I try to talk to him and tell him that all signs point towards something being wrong. He always ALWAYS has a back story. He is an addict. I am learning to accept that truth...now I just have to figure out what to do with it. I cannot and will not continue to provide everything financially in this relationship and continue to dig him out of holes that he creates for himself.

Thanks for sharing your insight. :You_Rock_

HardLessons 08-26-2019 03:15 AM

Hi Rose

Hydrocodone is an opioid (narcotic) pain reliever. Its a powerful drug which is normally prescribed by a doctor. If so prescribed they are in a prescription pill bottle.

As Anvil said he's buying them off the street from a drug dealer. As you know these pills are expensive. Opioid pill addicts who run out of money typically turn to heroin which is less expensive. Heroin isn't manufactured by a drug company & only god knows what they are actually using.

If you haven't already I would invest some time to read up on opioid addiction. Its ugly. Look at examples of pin point pupils. Once you see them you'll never miss seeing them again.

Everything you mentioned clearly speaks to addiction. Don't expect to get truthful answers to your questions.

SR is an excellent forum. There are many experienced, caring, & most articulate participants.

BTW if the police found that may pills in a bag with no prescription, he might be facing distribution felony charges.

Please take care of yourself.

trailmix 08-26-2019 07:46 AM

Hi smartrose.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

Your Husband is an addict. You know this. The only question is what are you willing to put up with, what are your boundaries.

Boundaries are for you by the way, not "rules" someone else has to follow.

For instance you may decide that you will not live with someone who is in active addiction.

Now that's your own boundary. You can share it with others if you want to, but that is not necessary. In this case you might want to share it, once you feel you are on solid footing with it.

This does not put the ball in his court because your boundaries, again, are yours, no one gets input on that. He will quit or he won't, if not, then that is your signal to exit.

Boundaries are so important, not just in addict relationships, but in life and it sounds like yours are being trampled all over the place here.

Do you want to live with someone that lies to your face? Someone sneaky that steals from you? That's just the part you see, what else is he up to, where does he get to? He's out doing drug deals, hanging around people who supply and do those drugs. It's like a separate life.

There you are and he lies about it. Tells you that what you know isn't true (gaslighting).


He makes me feel bad for him because he has no family support and has had to work from the bottom up to be successful
This is manipultion, pure and simple. What you said above describes millions of people. They aren't all drug users. One has nothing to do with the other.

Maybe it's time to hop off this particular crazy train?

Oh and please, protect yourself and stop trying to have children with this man. No child deserves to be brought in to a home with an active addict.

atalose 08-27-2019 12:10 PM


It's so difficult because I often feel like I KNOW something is wrong, but I can never prove it.
I remember when I was caught up in the “having to prove it stage”. Part of me had a need a drive to prove my point of view, to prove I was seeing what I was seeing and that I was right, he was in fact abusing pills. Then another part of me wanted to continue to believe the lies he told me because then I wouldn’t have to make the hard decisions I was so afraid of making.

Playing cat and mouse with an active addict never turns out as we think it will. We catch them, we show them our “proof” we think they will then surrender and admit it and want to seek help. That’s what fantasies are all about. Reality is all about those pills which are a lifeline for your active addict and the more you attempt to cut off or get in the way of that life line the more resentful and aggressive he can become.

Now is the time that you might want to seek out some counseling for yourself. Maybe give al-anon or nar-anon a try. Read as much as you can about addiction and especially about addict behaviors. The one thing I would suggest is that you take any and all measures to guard your money, your accounts, your assets in order to protect yourself. It’s so more us or we, right now it has to become all about you. He’s caught up in this addiction and there is nothing you can say or do to change that for him. He is the only one who can come to the decision to surrender and sadly most addict won’t do that.

tomsteve 08-27-2019 04:23 PM


Originally Posted by SmartRose (Post 7254884)
At this point, I feel like I'm the one going crazy and I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

you make it out as if hubby isnt crazy. reads like hes past crazy and into insanity-putting the high ahead of everything else.
the feeling as if your going crazy reads more like youre getting out of denial about the extent of the situation. reality is hitting.

Hanna 08-29-2019 11:01 AM

SmartRose, It's so so good you found this place. You are not crazy! You don't have to prove anything to anyone, you just have you figure out what you are going to do because you cannot control anything he is going to do.

If you can find a nearby Al-anon or Nar-Anon meeting asap it will be a huge help. Roomful of people that get it, have been through it, and realized they are not crazy, either.

Make sure to take especially good care of yourself. Loving an addict doesn't have to mean we let their addictions steal all of our health and happiness.

SmartRose 08-29-2019 08:53 PM


Originally Posted by HardLessons (Post 7255199)
Hi Rose

Hydrocodone is an opioid (narcotic) pain reliever. Its a powerful drug which is normally prescribed by a doctor. If so prescribed they are in a prescription pill bottle.

As Anvil said he's buying them off the street from a drug dealer. As you know these pills are expensive. Opioid pill addicts who run out of money typically turn to heroin which is less expensive. Heroin isn't manufactured by a drug company & only god knows what they are actually using.

If you haven't already I would invest some time to read up on opioid addiction. Its ugly. Look at examples of pin point pupils. Once you see them you'll never miss seeing them again.

Everything you mentioned clearly speaks to addiction. Don't expect to get truthful answers to your questions.

SR is an excellent forum. There are many experienced, caring, & most articulate participants.

BTW if the police found that may pills in a bag with no prescription, he might be facing distribution felony charges.

Please take care of yourself.

Thank you for your response. Sorry for my delayed reply. Yes, he said they were for his brother, which to me doesn't make it any better even if that is true. He is still buying them. And I know he was taking them in the past. So now he will just be extra secretive about it. I don't know how to get him help when all he does is lie. He does well at his job and he really is a good husband in many ways, but if he is using these, then it is not ok with me. Not sure what to do at this point.

SmartRose 08-29-2019 08:55 PM


Originally Posted by trailmix (Post 7255415)
Hi smartrose.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

Your Husband is an addict. You know this. The only question is what are you willing to put up with, what are your boundaries.

Boundaries are for you by the way, not "rules" someone else has to follow.

For instance you may decide that you will not live with someone who is in active addiction.

Now that's your own boundary. You can share it with others if you want to, but that is not necessary. In this case you might want to share it, once you feel you are on solid footing with it.

This does not put the ball in his court because your boundaries, again, are yours, no one gets input on that. He will quit or he won't, if not, then that is your signal to exit.

Boundaries are so important, not just in addict relationships, but in life and it sounds like yours are being trampled all over the place here.

Do you want to live with someone that lies to your face? Someone sneaky that steals from you? That's just the part you see, what else is he up to, where does he get to? He's out doing drug deals, hanging around people who supply and do those drugs. It's like a separate life.

There you are and he lies about it. Tells you that what you know isn't true (gaslighting).



This is manipultion, pure and simple. What you said above describes millions of people. They aren't all drug users. One has nothing to do with the other.

Maybe it's time to hop off this particular crazy train?

Oh and please, protect yourself and stop trying to have children with this man. No child deserves to be brought in to a home with an active addict.

Everything you said is very true. Thank you for putting it into words. I am not sure how to proceed but I know this is not ok.

SmartRose 08-29-2019 09:00 PM


Originally Posted by atalose (Post 7256321)
I remember when I was caught up in the “having to prove it stage”. Part of me had a need a drive to prove my point of view, to prove I was seeing what I was seeing and that I was right, he was in fact abusing pills. Then another part of me wanted to continue to believe the lies he told me because then I wouldn’t have to make the hard decisions I was so afraid of making.

Playing cat and mouse with an active addict never turns out as we think it will. We catch them, we show them our “proof” we think they will then surrender and admit it and want to seek help. That’s what fantasies are all about. Reality is all about those pills which are a lifeline for your active addict and the more you attempt to cut off or get in the way of that life line the more resentful and aggressive he can become.

Now is the time that you might want to seek out some counseling for yourself. Maybe give al-anon or nar-anon a try. Read as much as you can about addiction and especially about addict behaviors. The one thing I would suggest is that you take any and all measures to guard your money, your accounts, your assets in order to protect yourself. It’s so more us or we, right now it has to become all about you. He’s caught up in this addiction and there is nothing you can say or do to change that for him. He is the only one who can come to the decision to surrender and sadly most addict won’t do that.

Thank you for your insight! So helpful! I need to make some decisions. I do see that now. I will do my research and I have found an Al Anon group nearby. Unfortunately, it meets only 1 night a week 30 miles away. Anyone know if there are online Al Anon groups that can help?

I feel so lost right now. As you said, we get caught up in trying to prove what we think is happening. I think my fear is that I am wrong and that I am paranoid about something that isnt really there and then I kick him out for nothing. But the reality is that I am not wrong. Even if he is not using like he claims and I don't really believe, he is still buying illegal drugs. Either way, it is not good. Thank you l!

SmartRose 08-29-2019 09:13 PM

I think what I need help with at this point is convincing myself that he is addicted. I don't see a lot of signs. And maybe that is because he has been taking them the whole time we have been together, so I never knew any different. I don't know. But when I read about signs, I don't see those in him. Can anyone tell me what a functioning addict would be like?

trailmix 08-29-2019 10:35 PM

He is either using or selling. Do not doubt what you saw with your own eyes:

- Through our time together, I've had suspicions.
- I found some pills a couple years ago. They were hydrocodone too.
- he never has money. He even stole money from me
- He does payday loans and lies about them
- last night I checked his old hiding spot, and there was a bag of about 41 hydrocodone - Today they are moved

Now, if he were just selling, I should think he would have a LOT of money. Since that's not the case, default to the second scenario.

Nothing you have described is "normal" behaviour - in fact it's way out of any type of normal realm. It kind of sounds like you have been in this situation so long and been gaslighted for so long you are doubting what you are seeing with your own eyes. Don't doubt yourself! You know what you know.

He had 40 pills in a bag that magically disappeared when you found them. Not normal!

You don't need to see him take the pills to know exactly what is going on.

You may be right, he may have been taking them the whole time you have been together, so his stoned behaviour is all you have ever really known. That can be true of any substance really, some people that are alcoholics drink for years before the spouse really catches on.

I don't know much about opiods. Have you ever noticed any signs of withdrawal? Sweating, anxiety, stomach problems?

What does he say when you confront him with your suspicions, assuming you have at some point?

trailmix 08-29-2019 10:43 PM

Oh and there are online Al-Anon meetings:

https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings...onic-meetings/

Click on the skype or conference calls + signs to see meeting times etc.

Hanna 08-30-2019 06:23 AM

Re: needing to be sure he’s an addict. That’s not where the boundary needs to be drawn, it’s way beyond that because:

I have a boundary about people in my life taking prescription drugs that are not prescribed to them by a doctor.

I have a boundary about having illegally obtained drugs in my house for any reason.

I have a boundary about shared finances and everyone pulling their own weight and being transparent about where the money is going.

Stealing is beyond the pale.

So For me, it wouldn’t matter if he was actually taking them, their presence in your home is a huge violation and puts you at risk. The lack of money with no reasonable excuse, the stealing. None of these things are acceptable even f he’s not a drug addict.

He can make excuse after excuse. But none of the excuses are ok even if true.

pdm22 08-30-2019 06:27 AM


Originally Posted by SmartRose (Post 7257958)
I think what I need help with at this point is convincing myself that he is addicted. I don't see a lot of signs. And maybe that is because he has been taking them the whole time we have been together, so I never knew any different. I don't know. But when I read about signs, I don't see those in him. Can anyone tell me what a functioning addict would be like?


Do you mean physical symptoms? If so, it can be things like the weird pupils like Hardlessons mentioned. Also things like changes in hygiene (poor), sleep patterns, appetite and weight, impairment in coordination / tremors. Depression, complaining of pain.

It sounds like you have many behavioral signs though. Money disappearing and unaccounted for, lying, secretive behaviors, withdrawing, finding pills.

Also, not sure if your husband is like this, but going from doctor to doctor to get pills for this or that, to have an “appeal to authority” excuse for all of the above things needing a pharmaceutical intervention. And it’s not hard to find doctors who will give them what they want, and encouraging it even, so then you might have the person mixing a whole bunch of things that shouldn’t be mixed, and it’s just an accident waiting to happen. Not sure your husband does this, but I know some people like this, including situations where the people unfortunately did mix things that shouldn’t be mixed, and accidentally OD’d, and this kind of thing is getting to be more and more common, so just thought I’d mention that in case you start seeing this type of thing too.

However, I can tell you living with people who don’t use drugs and alcohol, that kind of thing happens zero percent of the time. And I’ve lived with people who did struggle with drug dependence/ addiction- that’s when you see those kinds of behavioral things. The signs your seeing might not be filled with drama (but all still serious- like lying and stealing money), that just might not be his personality, but it sounds like you have many, many signs, that when added up, and telling you everything you need to know. He has a problem. :/

SmartRose 08-30-2019 08:57 AM


Originally Posted by Hanna (Post 7258167)
Re:

So For me, it wouldn’t matter if he was actually taking them, their presence in your home is a huge violation and puts you at risk. The lack of money with no reasonable excuse, the stealing. None of these things are acceptable even f he’s not a drug addict.

He can make excuse after excuse. But none of the excuses are ok even if true.

It is like you read my mind because this is exactly what I was thinking about and telling myself this morning in the shower. The money thing has been a big issue and a constant worry in my mind. Regardless of drugs, his money goes somewhere.

SmartRose 08-30-2019 09:00 AM


Originally Posted by pdm22 (Post 7258171)
. He has a problem. :/

Thank you. You are correct. I need to admit it and accept it and figure out what to do next.

Hanna 08-30-2019 09:08 AM


Originally Posted by SmartRose (Post 7258258)
It is like you read my mind because this is exactly what I was thinking about and telling myself this morning in the shower. The money thing has been a big issue and a constant worry in my mind. Regardless of drugs, his money goes somewhere.

I think it helps so much to recognize things like this with a drug addict. They are amazing manipulators, so having something really solid they cannot twist out of is helpful for those of us that want to be caring and reasonable and are prone to have that understanding side which is so easily used against us.

Most of my own experience is with my brothers - so very different than having a spouse that's abusing. But I did briefly have a boyfriend that was using and lying about it/normalizing it. It really helped me personally to be able to say "You made $5K in the last three weeks and every penny is gone. I don't care why. " He was staying at my house during this time, and I had already dealt with the family issues so my knowledge was high and my tolerance very low. I got rid of him without an ounce of guilt because I was able to recognize things that were not normal or healthy and say I wasn't willing to live with that. (I am not suggesting you leave him - that is for you to decide, but the boundaries and consciousness about what is normal help so much with our own sanity.)

SmartRose 08-30-2019 01:21 PM

Thank you for all your replies and advice. I decided on my boundaries and what he needs to do to continue living in our house. Because I feel it is easier to say things through writing and then discuss them after he has had time to process, I sent him an email. Regardless of the circumstances with the pills, he has lied a lot and continues to be secretive and that is not ok. Also, he can't keep up with bills and he bought a bag of pills. Regardless of who is taking them, he brought those into our home. So, I set my boundaries that illegal drugs in the house is not acceptable. That not being transparent is not acceptable. And abuse of drugs is not acceptable. Honestly, I don't see him admitting to any of this or taking responsibility, so I am trying to make a list of what will happen next. Because if he cannot meet these boundaries, then he will need to find another place to live.


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