Emotional detachment.

Old 08-24-2019, 01:29 PM
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Emotional detachment.

How do you sort through the feelings of emotional detachment? I have shut out all feelings for my AH for so long that now I’m not sure if they’re even there at all anymore. We are separated and I feel dare I say, happy? I don’t dread coming home every day. I don’t obsess over his actions. I do what I want to do. But how do you decipher if that happiness is real, or just from the change. Therapy? What kind? I’m open to all suggestions.
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Old 08-24-2019, 01:36 PM
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Specifically, he invited me to a picnic of sorts tomorrow with people from his outpatient rehab/meetings. Family type event. I think it would be good for him to have our children there. But I can’t help getting a sinking feeling that I will be paraded like a doting wife. And that makes me sick. I am very supportive of his recovery, and his involvement with our children, but it’s difficult to balance when I’m insure of where my feelings lie.
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Old 08-24-2019, 02:41 PM
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in his "invite" did he say you AND the children?
i can understand the conflict of not wanting to be "appear" to be something you are not. could someone else go in your stead and take the kids? an aunt or uncle or grandparent?
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Old 08-27-2019, 01:51 PM
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When my XAH was in treatment, I did not go. Not at all. Not once.

He was focusing on him, and I needed to focus on me. I don't think it's great for kids to see parents in that environment, so they did not either.

If you are not sure, you are not obligated to go. Remember that.
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Old 08-28-2019, 08:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Reneevc View Post
But how do you decipher if that happiness is real, or just from the change.
Sounds to me like the change made you happy....

Don't overthink it. Trust your instincts on this.

If you are happy.. or even just happ-IER... (maybe just not reeling in his chaos feels like relief...) whatever it is, is that not a positive thing?

It's OK to be happy. You made a good choice for yourself, enjoy the outcome!
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Old 08-29-2019, 07:04 AM
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I agree. Listen to your gut. Looking back, I can see that my body was screaming at me for years letting me know everything was wrong! Now that I don't live that way anymore, I look back and wonder how did I not listen to myself for so long?

I always say that I prayed to God all the time to show me signs. I should have been praying to God to open my eyes and recognize the signs he was showing me.

Big hugs.
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Old 08-29-2019, 05:40 PM
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In my experience, the best way to emotionally detach from an addict is to build a rewarding life out of things that are meaningful to you.

When I finally detached from my addict, the first wave of happiness was really relief, which did make me very happy at the time. There is a certain kind of joyful freedom and exhilaration that came when all the pain and insanity stopped.

Then a little boredom set in and I had to figure out what could give my life meaning if it wasn't going to be chasing after an addict. This was hard at first, but after I got the hang of it, I realized there is so much more to life than I was seeing while I was focused on my addict.

One other thing is that I learned to listen to my body. Whenever I think about doing something related to my addict and check in with my body, I can tell immediately what I should or should not do. It's not always logical, but it is always right.

So, if your body is sending you signals, I'd suggest you do not detach from that. That "sinking feeling" is a sure fire warning that maybe what you are contemplating isn't best for you.

As far as recovery gatherings, in my experience, my presence didn't make a bit of difference either way. Sometimes I went, sometimes not, but none of it made any difference in my addicts recovery or relapse. So, in my opinion, you can feel free to go or not go based on what you think is best for you.

Best of luck!
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Old 08-30-2019, 06:47 PM
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I went to the meeting because I felt it was important to him to have his family there, as it was a family event. It was fine. The children had a good time at the “picnic”. This weekend I’m going to visit my mom and sister and he kept asking questions about when I was leaving, and when we were coming back. Finally I said “why? do you need something?” And his response was “well I wanted to see people too but it’s ok. Never mind”. I didn’t even respond. Sometimes I don’t know what words to say because they all sound so cruel. Truthfully, leaving this weekend is my escape from all the stress that is my every day life. And I don’t want it to include him. We are separated. Why would he think I would invite him to visit my family?
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Old 08-30-2019, 10:07 PM
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Sometimes even ex partners feel that they still want to be part of the "family" including extended. Doesn't mean they should.

I mean you wouldn't expect to be invited to his family get-togethers.

I don't know how he feels about the separation or if he is holding out against it. If he is, it could just be that.
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Old 09-02-2019, 06:02 PM
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Today I had to look in the vehicle for the registration and there was a bottle of vodka in the front seat. I wasn’t surprised. It was like that was just something I was waiting for. Which made me think, why am I waiting? I don’t want that life. I know that I don’t. I have suspected that the feelings I once had may not return. The lies, the stealing, the manipulation...I think it was just too much. I have been stressed and anxious all day every day for so long that I think it literally stamped out my light.

I need to to tell him. I cannot seem to muster the courage to have that conversation. I think I’m afraid of him manipulating me even in that. I know what I want to say but I am afraid it won’t come out that way. I don’t know what to do.
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Old 09-02-2019, 06:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Reneevc View Post
I need to to tell him. I cannot seem to muster the courage to have that conversation. I think I’m afraid of him manipulating me even in that. I know what I want to say but I am afraid it won’t come out that way. I don’t know what to do.
There is nothing wrong with making a list for yourself. Perhaps keeping it down to your most important 3 or 4 points.

Remember JADE - you never have to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. Whatever you choose to say is your truth, your decision. There is no need to justify that, it just IS.

Now whether he chooses to accept what you say, is pretty much irrelevant at this point.

Perhaps when you tell him you can ask that he let you speak, you make your points and then if he has questions etc you can both come back in say half an hour (or whatever you think would be good, an hour, a day).

That way emotions won't be quite as high.

But again, you don't have to participate in a discussion if you don't want to, you don't have to give him an opportunity to manipulate you if you fear that happening. If you feel you don't want to sit and discuss it but want to give him a chance to speak, you can always tell him you will address it in email if he has anything to ask/say.
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Old 09-03-2019, 06:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Reneevc View Post
Today I had to look in the vehicle for the registration and there was a bottle of vodka in the front seat. I wasn’t surprised. It was like that was just something I was waiting for. Which made me think, why am I waiting? I don’t want that life. I know that I don’t. I have suspected that the feelings I once had may not return. The lies, the stealing, the manipulation...I think it was just too much. I have been stressed and anxious all day every day for so long that I think it literally stamped out my light.

I need to to tell him. I cannot seem to muster the courage to have that conversation. I think I’m afraid of him manipulating me even in that. I know what I want to say but I am afraid it won’t come out that way. I don’t know what to do.
Being stressed and anxious every day all day is no way to live a life. I know you know that... I just want you to know that I did it for years. It got worse as time went on until I was a shell of the woman I used to be and should have been. Someone else's addiction can suck the life right out of you if you let it happen.

I know it's hard to end a relationship, especially if there is still love there. I didn't just break his heart when I left my AXH, I broke mine and our kid's too.... but it had to be done. If I wanted to be healthy and live a quality life, I had to let him go be the drinker he wanted to be... and I got to choose not to have a front row seat to that party. I didn't want a spouse I couldn't trust.

Some times, even often times, relationships run their course. Not everybody stays compatible for ever and ever. People grow in different directions, people want different things in life. It sucks, and it hurts like hell, but it's a fact.

I am sorry you are going through this crappy experience. I've been there, it's just awful...but it's worse to stay and keep living in the pain every day with no chance to heal, you can't when they keep rubbing salt in your wounds.

My life is happy, calm and peaceful now.... I am wishing that for you as well.
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Old 09-03-2019, 06:15 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Sometimes even ex partners feel that they still want to be part of the "family" including extended. Doesn't mean they should.

I mean you wouldn't expect to be invited to his family get-togethers.

I don't know how he feels about the separation or if he is holding out against it. If he is, it could just be that.
When my ex and I were together, I was the textbook doting son-in-law. I treated my mother in law like my own mother.
She is currently in a nursing facility after suffering a debilitating stroke several months ago. When this first happened, I took her a plant. I told her I loved her.

I haven't been to see her since. That family has made it painfully obvious that I am the "ex."

Some relationships like this have been known to survive a breakup. In my case, they didn't .They take on a life of their own.
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Old 09-03-2019, 06:09 PM
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty View Post
Being stressed and anxious every day all day is no way to live a life. I know you know that... I just want you to know that I did it for years. It got worse as time went on until I was a shell of the woman I used to be and should have been. Someone else's addiction can suck the life right out of you if you let it happen.

I know it's hard to end a relationship, especially if there is still love there. I didn't just break his heart when I left my AXH, I broke mine and our kid's too.... but it had to be done. If I wanted to be healthy and live a quality life, I had to let him go be the drinker he wanted to be... and I got to choose not to have a front row seat to that party. I didn't want a spouse I couldn't trust.

Some times, even often times, relationships run their course. Not everybody stays compatible for ever and ever. People grow in different directions, people want different things in life. It sucks, and it hurts like hell, but it's a fact.

I am sorry you are going through this crappy experience. I've been there, it's just awful...but it's worse to stay and keep living in the pain every day with no chance to heal, you can't when they keep rubbing salt in your wounds.

My life is happy, calm and peaceful now.... I am wishing that for you as well.

Im not sure I have read a response more meaningful than that. Thank you...sincerely. Sometimes I have trouble gathering my thoughts and expressing them clearly. Your response expresses exactly how I feel.
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