Rough daze

Old 08-20-2019, 10:24 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 104
Rough daze

I have recently posted about how my boyfriend of 10 years on and off has left me again and has a new girlfriend...

I hadn’t talked to him for two weeks and felt stronger however his dads birthday (who passed) was on Saturday so I texted him telling him I was thinking of him. He answered with “thanks”.

i couldn’t stop thinking about him so I asked a few people what’s he’s been doing on social media (stupid I know) and they sent a screen shot of him at his new girlfriends house playing with her dog. I lost all sense of control and texted him telling him how unfair and awful this feels and he responded saying he didn’t leave me for her he left me because it will always come crashing back down (mind you until he wanted to go out all the time we were fine).

I feel so lost right now.. I have therapy tomorrow which I know will help but I am having a horrible day today... how do they just up and leave like it never matter or happened? I can’t grasp the concept of him just throwing it all away all over again. I don’t know where to begin and I’m so angry he replaced our ten year relationship with a new girl within weeks 🤬
Linzey0706 is offline  
Old 08-20-2019, 11:13 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Towards the end of my relationship with my addict things for me were very bad. I had to somehow find the strength to detach from her & save myself. I knew it was going to be extremely difficult for me. I did it June 2017.

During the first year of being apart we had a handful of interactions. For me they were all bad. All were heavy duty set backs to my mental health & well being. She was treating me like I was a POS. It was ugly.

I haven't spoken to her since June of 2018. I know nothing of her or her life since then. I am not going to tell you it has been easy for me. Its been far from easy. But I can honestly say that it has been significantly better than being with her towards the end of our relationship & the handful of interactions during the first year of being apart.

Your ExBF is a heroin addict. He is what he is. You know by now what the deal is. You have suffered long enough. Please save yourself. Let go of this addict. Get help if you need it.
HardLessons is offline  
Old 08-20-2019, 11:20 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Linzey - this was your post back from January 2016:

Hi guys!

So I posted a few days ago about how my long term boyfriend of 6 years left me after he got out of rehab for heroine. I still don't understand how he was able to wake up one day and decide he didn't love me anymore and thats hard enough in itself and I still can not accept it so I deleted him off Facebook and social media and deleted his number.

Problem: once you're with someone for that long you know their number by heart so it's not stopping me from texting him on spur moments.

Problem #2: when I text him he doesn't acknowledge me or answer leaving me even worse than I was five minutes before.

My question to you all: does anybody have any optimistic hope that if I honestly ignore him he will miss me? Or is the fact he left a sign that he honestly is just moving on with his life and I should stop.


in many ways you are still stuck in the same cycle. you are unable to stop contacting HIM and every new contact spins the cycle once again and keeps your hurt fresh.

you never had a 10 year relationship - you knew someone for 10 year who came in and out of your life as it suited him. or as you allowed.

when people show you who they ARE, believe them.
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 08-20-2019, 11:45 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
Towards the end of my relationship with my addict things for me were very bad. I had to somehow find the strength to detach from her & save myself. I knew it was going to be extremely difficult for me. I did it June 2017.

During the first year of being apart we had a handful of interactions. For me they were all bad. All were heavy duty set backs to my mental health & well being. She was treating me like I was a POS. It was ugly.

I haven't spoken to her since June of 2018. I know nothing of her or her life since then. I am not going to tell you it has been easy for me. Its been far from easy. But I can honestly say that it has been significantly better than being with her towards the end of our relationship & the handful of interactions during the first year of being apart.

Your ExBF is a heroin addict. He is what he is. You know by now what the deal is. You have suffered long enough. Please save yourself. Let go of this addict. Get help if you need it.
Ugh I think it’s so hard because he came back and seemed so serious about our future.. as far as I know he isn’t back on drugs however, alcohol is still a mind altering substance...

trying to find the strength to let it go AGAIN

thank you for your kind words, I find similarities in your posts about going mentally backwards when you interact
Linzey0706 is offline  
Old 08-20-2019, 11:46 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
Linzey - this was your post back from January 2016:

Hi guys!

So I posted a few days ago about how my long term boyfriend of 6 years left me after he got out of rehab for heroine. I still don't understand how he was able to wake up one day and decide he didn't love me anymore and thats hard enough in itself and I still can not accept it so I deleted him off Facebook and social media and deleted his number.

Problem: once you're with someone for that long you know their number by heart so it's not stopping me from texting him on spur moments.

Problem #2: when I text him he doesn't acknowledge me or answer leaving me even worse than I was five minutes before.

My question to you all: does anybody have any optimistic hope that if I honestly ignore him he will miss me? Or is the fact he left a sign that he honestly is just moving on with his life and I should stop.


in many ways you are still stuck in the same cycle. you are unable to stop contacting HIM and every new contact spins the cycle once again and keeps your hurt fresh.

you never had a 10 year relationship - you knew someone for 10 year who came in and out of your life as it suited him. or as you allowed.

when people show you who they ARE, believe them.
WOW, I forgot about this post... I avoided reading my old posts because this time felt different than last time... but the feelings came rushing back... you’re right he did this last time too....

doesnt make it any easier... I guess I’m more afraid someone else is going to get the version of him I worked so hard for
Linzey0706 is offline  
Old 08-20-2019, 12:20 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I guess I’m more afraid someone else is going to get the version of him I worked so hard for

well see hon, it doesn't WORK THAT WAY. no matter how hard YOU work you can't CHANGE someone else. you don't get to make them into your own reward. i think that type of thinking is part of the problem here.

he was not a project. or a fixer upper. it was never EVER your job to try and fix or rescue or save or change him. that's not what relationships are for. that is what therapists and counselors and support groups and treatment centers are for.

sounds like in many ways he was never really "good enough" for you either. not if you were "working so hard" to try and change him and the outcome.

people don't change into prince charming when the right serving wench comes along. people pretty much are who they are - some get a little meaner, some get a little nicer. but that's about it.
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 08-20-2019, 12:30 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
I guess I’m more afraid someone else is going to get the version of him I worked so hard for

well see hon, it doesn't WORK THAT WAY. no matter how hard YOU work you can't CHANGE someone else. you don't get to make them into your own reward. i think that type of thinking is part of the problem here.

he was not a project. or a fixer upper. it was never EVER your job to try and fix or rescue or save or change him. that's not what relationships are for. that is what therapists and counselors and support groups and treatment centers are for.

sounds like in many ways he was never really "good enough" for you either. not if you were "working so hard" to try and change him and the outcome.

people don't change into prince charming when the right serving wench comes along. people pretty much are who they are - some get a little meaner, some get a little nicer. but that's about it.
Maybe wrong choice of words, maybe that’s what I meant but I guess more so, that he finally seems to be doing better in life and now wants nothing to do with me again after saying how much he wanted to marry me and spend his life with me and that it was the biggest mistake leaving me...
Linzey0706 is offline  
Old 08-20-2019, 01:14 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Alcohol is a drug so he isn't clean off drugs. Heroin addicts like to drink. Id be concerned he may still be using heroin.

Regardless of who he is with, he isn't all better. I am sure there are still a lot of serious issues going on with him.

You have to decide when enough is enough. You keep putting yourself in harms way & keep getting run over by the same addict. This ugly cycle wont end until you end it.
HardLessons is offline  
Old 08-20-2019, 10:15 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,548
You are grieving the relationship, but it will get better, maybe not in a few weeks, but bit by bit it will get better, you won't always feel like this.

What other support do you have, therapy? Al-Anon? Grief support? Face to face support would perhaps be a huge help, as well as SR of course.

You know, he is never going to be who you hoped he would be. He may have had a good side, as you mentioned. Very few people are ALL bad, but he has a huge dark side.

What kind of person just wanders off like that? Someone who is not a nice person, who is not committed to anyone, who is still an addict, he just changed drugs and found someone who likes doing that too.

How could he just grab a new girlfriend like that? Why wouldn't he. Has he ever shown you that he is an upright guy - that he is not totally self absorbed? Maybe he had a few good days here or there, but I mean really showing he is reliable, a man of integrity, compassion, empathy, understanding? Someone who is interested in you and what you are doing etc etc - consistently?

I'm thinking not.

So no, he can never be who you wish he was.

It's sad and it's going to hurt but honestly don't you deserve someone better in your life?
trailmix is online now  
Old 08-21-2019, 06:10 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
Alcohol is a drug so he isn't clean off drugs. Heroin addicts like to drink. Id be concerned he may still be using heroin.

Regardless of who he is with, he isn't all better. I am sure there are still a lot of serious issues going on with him.

You have to decide when enough is enough. You keep putting yourself in harms way & keep getting run over by the same addict. This ugly cycle wont end until you end it.
I periodically find myself wondering the last few months if he’s slipping and that’s why he pushed me away again, however he said it’s not and he’s doing well he just wasn’t happy with me and it’s all crash and burn with us (WELL YEA WHEN YOU GO OUT AND DISRESPECT YOURSELF AND MY FEELINGS) however the fact he has a new girlfriend already makes the pain of him leaving even worse...

I know I can’t keep doing this however for two years everything (1.5 him clean) everything seemed WONDERFUL and it all fell apart
Linzey0706 is offline  
Old 08-21-2019, 06:13 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
You are grieving the relationship, but it will get better, maybe not in a few weeks, but bit by bit it will get better, you won't always feel like this.

What other support do you have, therapy? Al-Anon? Grief support? Face to face support would perhaps be a huge help, as well as SR of course.

You know, he is never going to be who you hoped he would be. He may have had a good side, as you mentioned. Very few people are ALL bad, but he has a huge dark side.

What kind of person just wanders off like that? Someone who is not a nice person, who is not committed to anyone, who is still an addict, he just changed drugs and found someone who likes doing that too.

How could he just grab a new girlfriend like that? Why wouldn't he. Has he ever shown you that he is an upright guy - that he is not totally self absorbed? Maybe he had a few good days here or there, but I mean really showing he is reliable, a man of integrity, compassion, empathy, understanding? Someone who is interested in you and what you are doing etc etc - consistently?

I'm thinking not.

So no, he can never be who you wish he was.

It's sad and it's going to hurt but honestly don't you deserve someone better in your life?
thank you for the encouragement... I know it HAS to get better right? It did last time and then he came back OH VEY, and I felt like I did so well at keeping him at a distance at first but somewhere between then and now I let my guard down...

I go to therapy every week, I have attended a few al-anon meetings

you’re absolutely right, he’s proving to be anybody but who I thought he was.. and for so long I made excuses for his behavior and why he did certain things, maybe I will be able to move forward easier if I clearly admit to myself that his choices have proved he never put me first...
Linzey0706 is offline  
Old 08-21-2019, 06:21 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Maudcat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Linzey.
Ten years is a long time to be with someone.
Grieve the relationship and what you hoped it would be.
But recognize that he is not ever going to be the caring, involved partner that everyone should have.
Take care of yourself.
Maudcat is offline  
Old 08-21-2019, 07:21 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by Maudcat View Post
Hi, Linzey.
Ten years is a long time to be with someone.
Grieve the relationship and what you hoped it would be.
But recognize that he is not ever going to be the caring, involved partner that everyone should have.
Take care of yourself.
i hear what everyone’s saying and to an extent I agree, just don’t know how to get my heart on board
Linzey0706 is offline  
Old 08-21-2019, 07:25 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Maudcat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Time and distance will bring clarity.
Maudcat is offline  
Old 08-21-2019, 07:35 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
There comes a time during our relationships when we become a problem for our addicts.

We become aware of exactly what they are doing & we no longer peacefully go along with what they are doing. When that change occurs, our addicts become very unhappy with us. We become the problem.

In my case & may be the case with you, this happened over years of time. However, once that change occurs where we become the problem for them & we start to stand our ground - its really the beginning of the end for both them & us.

Keep your guard up Linzey. Never let it down when trying to deal with an addict. Heroin addicts are very cunning & street smart. Unfortunately their words cannot be trusted. They lie to us even about stupid simple things. When it doesn't even make any sense for them to lie.

The pain we experience does hurt. That pain will never lessen until you make it stop. Your addict just like mine can not ease your pain. I am not saying its easy. But I am saying you have the key in your hand to let yourself out of this hell jail.

No matter what he says, If he is drinking then he is not clean from drugs & he is not recovering. I don't make it that way, its just the way it is.

Alcohol isn't their DOC. Alcohol adds to the heroin high. Alcohol is also good for when withdrawals start to kick in & your out of heroin. The drinking kind of goes hand in hand with the heroin use.
HardLessons is offline  
Old 08-21-2019, 09:26 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by Maudcat View Post
Time and distance will bring clarity.
hoping so!! Thank you for the support
Linzey0706 is offline  
Old 08-21-2019, 09:29 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
There comes a time during our relationships when we become a problem for our addicts.

We become aware of exactly what they are doing & we no longer peacefully go along with what they are doing. When that change occurs, our addicts become very unhappy with us. We become the problem.

In my case & may be the case with you, this happened over years of time. However, once that change occurs where we become the problem for them & we start to stand our ground - its really the beginning of the end for both them & us.

Keep your guard up Linzey. Never let it down when trying to deal with an addict. Heroin addicts are very cunning & street smart. Unfortunately their words cannot be trusted. They lie to us even about stupid simple things. When it doesn't even make any sense for them to lie.

The pain we experience does hurt. That pain will never lessen until you make it stop. Your addict just like mine can not ease your pain. I am not saying its easy. But I am saying you have the key in your hand to let yourself out of this hell jail.

No matter what he says, If he is drinking then he is not clean from drugs & he is not recovering. I don't make it that way, its just the way it is.

Alcohol isn't their DOC. Alcohol adds to the heroin high. Alcohol is also good for when withdrawals start to kick in & your out of heroin. The drinking kind of goes hand in hand with the heroin use.
OH MAN DO I RESONATE WITH EVERYTHING YOU JUST SAID...I can almost pinpoint the moment in time that he decided “we weren’t gonna work” because he wanted to go out all the time.. granted I wasn’t perfect either, however his family has a long line of alcoholics, so it’s a slippery slope for him...

all of it I know and all of it I tell myself.. for some reason I still melt when he comes around this is quite the roller coaster for a second time
Linzey0706 is offline  
Old 08-21-2019, 11:05 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
You mentioned in your opening post that you had therapy today. I hope you went & it helped.

Heroin addicts aint normal. Its not healthy for us to expect them to act normal. We just end up frustrated, disappointed, & hurt.
HardLessons is offline  
Old 08-21-2019, 11:41 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
You mentioned in your opening post that you had therapy today. I hope you went & it helped.

Heroin addicts aint normal. Its not healthy for us to expect them to act normal. We just end up frustrated, disappointed, & hurt.
thank you!! It is today after work... I’m looking forward to it, making sense of this situation feels like the death of me
Linzey0706 is offline  
Old 08-21-2019, 12:23 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
I understand Lindzey

I understand the part of feeling like death there were times I felt like death being with her & being away from her

BTW I no longer feel like death not saying I am all better but doing much better than before. Neither of us should feel like death from a relationship!

I also understand when you say you melt when you see him. I am the same way. She knows it & takes advantage of it. She knows just how to work me. She is really good at it. She is extremely cunning & street smart.

This extreme dysfunction all became much worse during the first year after I detached from her. There were a handful of interactions & they were all bad. There was absolutely nothing good about any of them.

Its been a bit over year now & I no longer play the game. I stay totally away from her. Only way I could stop the madness.

Hope your therapy session today helps.
HardLessons is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:31 AM.