Rough daze

Old 08-22-2019, 12:00 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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You mentioned that you "melt" when he returns and you posted on another thread that you would probably still take him back if he showed up.

Don't you think you deserve a better partner in your life than an addict that has little empathy and is incredibly self-centered? Don't you want a committed partner that sees how wonderful you are and treasures that?

Until you really give up on this relationship and say no more, you are going to continue with him uppermost in your mind.

It's normal to have "what if" moments initially and to miss the person that was a big part of your life. It's also important to look at all the things that were wrong in the relationship, that is what gets you out of the pain and rumination.

This guy is now back using and has a girlfriend who is willing to drink with him and you are thinking you would take him back?

Now, perhaps this is a bad idea not because he went right out and got a drinking buddy and not because he told you that you don't fit in to his party lifestyle but because he is a person of little character.

Would you not prefer someone who you can trust? Who isn't flaky. Who says what they mean and means what they say? That has integrity and is intelligent and genuine?

Or would you rather have this human that is willing to just throw it all in at the drop of a hat to go for a drink?

That's the reality of addiction. That's the reality here and you could have so much more. I hope you will focus more on you and looking after yourself and protecting yourself.
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Old 08-22-2019, 04:56 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
I understand Lindzey

I understand the part of feeling like death there were times I felt like death being with her & being away from her

BTW I no longer feel like death not saying I am all better but doing much better than before. Neither of us should feel like death from a relationship!

I also understand when you say you melt when you see him. I am the same way. She knows it & takes advantage of it. She knows just how to work me. She is really good at it. She is extremely cunning & street smart.

This extreme dysfunction all became much worse during the first year after I detached from her. There were a handful of interactions & they were all bad. There was absolutely nothing good about any of them.

Its been a bit over year now & I no longer play the game. I stay totally away from her. Only way I could stop the madness.

Hope your therapy session today helps.
Thank you Hard Lessons.. it helps knowing there are others that went through the same pain and torment although I wouldn’t wish it on anyone...

even harder when you over analyze every little piece... break ups are no fun in general, add addiction to it and it feels like hell on fire...

cant wrap my head around the fact that they just leave and act like nothing ever happened... I was hoping for a better day today - dont seem to be there yet 😔
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Old 08-22-2019, 04:59 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
You mentioned that you "melt" when he returns and you posted on another thread that you would probably still take him back if he showed up.

Don't you think you deserve a better partner in your life than an addict that has little empathy and is incredibly self-centered? Don't you want a committed partner that sees how wonderful you are and treasures that?

Until you really give up on this relationship and say no more, you are going to continue with him uppermost in your mind.

It's normal to have "what if" moments initially and to miss the person that was a big part of your life. It's also important to look at all the things that were wrong in the relationship, that is what gets you out of the pain and rumination.

This guy is now back using and has a girlfriend who is willing to drink with him and you are thinking you would take him back?

Now, perhaps this is a bad idea not because he went right out and got a drinking buddy and not because he told you that you don't fit in to his party lifestyle but because he is a person of little character.

Would you not prefer someone who you can trust? Who isn't flaky. Who says what they mean and means what they say? That has integrity and is intelligent and genuine?

Or would you rather have this human that is willing to just throw it all in at the drop of a hat to go for a drink?

That's the reality of addiction. That's the reality here and you could have so much more. I hope you will focus more on you and looking after yourself and protecting yourself.
you’re absolutely right and I know all this stuff and people tell me this all for years...last time he left I got to a place where I was happy and doing well and he came back and I melted right back...

i dont know how to demand better.. when he’s focused on recovery he is the most amazing person... he’s not even that bad when drinking just all of it comes crashing down it’s a difficult situation to see out of when it has been 10 years 😟
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Old 08-22-2019, 07:21 AM
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I get it. It's easy for someone to say - oh get over him, he's not good for you anyway! While that may be true, but it's not that easy!

Perhaps it's time to focus back on yourself? That means taking care of yourself, being NICE to yourself. How did you find your way out of the sadness last time? What does your therapist say?

First things first, what do you like to do? Do you have a social circle, family you talk to? If you have become isolated then perhaps it's time to get that social circle if you don't already have one. If you had friends that have fallen to the wayside perhaps contact them.

Another avenue is Meetup - group meetups that you can join for anything from listening to live music to hiking, tons of groups if you are in a larger area.

Buy yourself some new clothes, get your hair trimmed, get your nails done.

Get sleep, eat well, find things to laugh at. Go to Al-Anon for more face to face support from people who get it.

Now, if that is not what you want, if you want to wait for him to appear, maybe, someday - that is also a choice you can make, but focusing back on yourself and your life and what you want is the way to let go of this damaging relationship. Most of all, protect yourself.
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Old 08-22-2019, 05:30 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I get it. It's easy for someone to say - oh get over him, he's not good for you anyway! While that may be true, but it's not that easy!

Perhaps it's time to focus back on yourself? That means taking care of yourself, being NICE to yourself. How did you find your way out of the sadness last time? What does your therapist say?

First things first, what do you like to do? Do you have a social circle, family you talk to? If you have become isolated then perhaps it's time to get that social circle if you don't already have one. If you had friends that have fallen to the wayside perhaps contact them.

Another avenue is Meetup - group meetups that you can join for anything from listening to live music to hiking, tons of groups if you are in a larger area.

Buy yourself some new clothes, get your hair trimmed, get your nails done.

Get sleep, eat well, find things to laugh at. Go to Al-Anon for more face to face support from people who get it.

Now, if that is not what you want, if you want to wait for him to appear, maybe, someday - that is also a choice you can make, but focusing back on yourself and your life and what you want is the way to let go of this damaging relationship. Most of all, protect yourself.
thank you for the support... I’m not too far in to therapy so she doesn’t say too much yet, she wants to work on my reactive behavior

im trying to focus on me, it’s hard when all you do is connect everything with them hoping it gets easier!
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Old 08-23-2019, 07:40 AM
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It can get easier. You have to make that happen by taking one step at a time. Its not an easy process. You have been in a traumatic relationship with an addict for many years. It will take time to heal.
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Old 08-23-2019, 10:30 AM
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
It can get easier. You have to make that happen by taking one step at a time. Its not an easy process. You have been in a traumatic relationship with an addict for many years. It will take time to heal.
thank you for the support, each day seems to get tougher right now
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Old 08-23-2019, 11:03 AM
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Yes it is very difficult in the early days. I remember it well. It was extremely difficult for me to be out of contact with her. But I also clearly knew the deep pain of being in contact & with her. I made the choice to save myself & walk away. Walk is a kind word reality crawl away.

Her life is non stop crazy. I could never share what her life is really like with any so called normal type person. They would have a complete melt down & run away. Its overwhelming for me to think back on it even now.

Trailmix & Ann gave you some great advice in this & your other thread. Suggestions that I did for myself & to a lesser extent still do now. Advice that helped me.

Our addicts don't think like we do. They don't feel pain like we do. They are on drugs. In my case she was on various extremely powerful drugs. If I took what she takes every day id be very happy in lala land.
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Old 08-23-2019, 11:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Linzey0706 View Post

thank you for the support, each day seems to get tougher right now
And it may for a while and maybe this means you are facing those feelings, that's not a bad thing.

When you ruminate about him, how does that look/sound?

Thinking about the "good times"? Thinking about the times when he wasn't being a complete ass? BTW I hope you are compiling a list of every terrible thing he ever did or said to you. Keep adding it to you as things pop in to your head and refer to it any time you start to remember the "good times", even if that is 20 times a day to start. A hard copy is good or a copy on your phone so you have it with you to refer to whenever you need it.

I was just watching this video by Spartan Life Coach - you might find some of his videos interesting (many on narcissism and relationships, also on CPTSD, in particular this one. Around the 14 minute mark he talks about how some people are just not NICE, they aren't now, they were not before you met them and they are never going to be.

Accepting that means you are going to get hurt. It means letting go of them because if you actually allow those feelings what other choice will you have?

By hanging on to this non-relationship you don't have to go through the grieving. Yes, you might eventually get to feeling better, like you did before, but you won't truly let go.

It hurts! It is NO fun, but it doesn't mean the end of the world and you will get through it, especially with support, what awaits you on the other side is joy.

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Old 08-23-2019, 01:28 PM
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cant wrap my head around the fact that they just leave and act like nothing ever happened...

the thing is Linz....it's not like you two were fused at the hip for 10 years, totally rock solid, and THEN one day he up and left........

he's been "leaving" for a long time. he's never been fully "here" - wherever here is. and i mean not with you, not with his mother, not while standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon. there is an unwillingness (inability??) to commit - and i don't mean being able to say words like I luuuuuuuuuv you, i mean pound down the tent stakes far enough to survive a hurricane type of commitment.

also his to'ing and fro'ing did another thing TO you...it set up intermittent reinforcement. great thread about this i'm going to try and find for you........one moment please......

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-chick-en.html (Don't be his chick(en)!!!)

it's part of the Come Here, Go Away game. Now you see me, now you don't. or like the dope man - first rock is FREE!
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Old 08-23-2019, 05:00 PM
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Awesome post and wonderful link to that chicken thread, Anvilhead.

I can add nothing except my nodding agreement and ongoing support.
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Old 08-24-2019, 07:40 AM
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
It can get easier. You have to make that happen by taking one step at a time. Its not an easy process. You have been in a traumatic relationship with an addict for many years. It will take time to heal.
OH VEY, this feels just as hard as supporting him through the years
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Old 08-24-2019, 07:43 AM
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
Yes it is very difficult in the early days. I remember it well. It was extremely difficult for me to be out of contact with her. But I also clearly knew the deep pain of being in contact & with her. I made the choice to save myself & walk away. Walk is a kind word reality crawl away.

Her life is non stop crazy. I could never share what her life is really like with any so called normal type person. They would have a complete melt down & run away. Its overwhelming for me to think back on it even now.

Trailmix & Ann gave you some great advice in this & your other thread. Suggestions that I did for myself & to a lesser extent still do now. Advice that helped me.

Our addicts don't think like we do. They don't feel pain like we do. They are on drugs. In my case she was on various extremely powerful drugs. If I took what she takes every day id be very happy in lala land.
“non stop crazy” that’s how it feels every day that they are not still in recovery... it’s hard when you have gotten that glimpse of them clean and sober, I guess a lot of it is a mind game, our minds reminding us of what coulda shoulda been....BUT ITS NOT

thank you for all the support, our situation seems very similar so it’s helpful to hear from everyone whose been there done that (and still recovering from it)
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Old 08-24-2019, 07:45 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
And it may for a while and maybe this means you are facing those feelings, that's not a bad thing.

When you ruminate about him, how does that look/sound?

Thinking about the "good times"? Thinking about the times when he wasn't being a complete ass? BTW I hope you are compiling a list of every terrible thing he ever did or said to you. Keep adding it to you as things pop in to your head and refer to it any time you start to remember the "good times", even if that is 20 times a day to start. A hard copy is good or a copy on your phone so you have it with you to refer to whenever you need it.

I was just watching this video by Spartan Life Coach - you might find some of his videos interesting (many on narcissism and relationships, also on CPTSD, in particular this one. Around the 14 minute mark he talks about how some people are just not NICE, they aren't now, they were not before you met them and they are never going to be.

Accepting that means you are going to get hurt. It means letting go of them because if you actually allow those feelings what other choice will you have?

By hanging on to this non-relationship you don't have to go through the grieving. Yes, you might eventually get to feeling better, like you did before, but you won't truly let go.

It hurts! It is NO fun, but it doesn't mean the end of the world and you will get through it, especially with support, what awaits you on the other side is joy.

wow this really hits close! That’s the worst part, my mind always goes to the “good times”... of course there was plenty of those or I wouldn’t have stuck around and/or let him back in my life two years ago... it’s just astonishing how fast things can change...

i think I will take your suggestion and make a list, remind myself of how this feels if I’m ever presented with the situation again
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Old 08-24-2019, 07:47 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
cant wrap my head around the fact that they just leave and act like nothing ever happened...

the thing is Linz....it's not like you two were fused at the hip for 10 years, totally rock solid, and THEN one day he up and left........

he's been "leaving" for a long time. he's never been fully "here" - wherever here is. and i mean not with you, not with his mother, not while standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon. there is an unwillingness (inability??) to commit - and i don't mean being able to say words like I luuuuuuuuuv you, i mean pound down the tent stakes far enough to survive a hurricane type of commitment.

also his to'ing and fro'ing did another thing TO you...it set up intermittent reinforcement. great thread about this i'm going to try and find for you........one moment please......

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-chick-en.html (Don't be his chick(en)!!!)

it's part of the Come Here, Go Away game. Now you see me, now you don't. or like the dope man - first rock is FREE!
wow, you’re so right... even if he mentioned commitment there has been no signs of proving that commitment to me long term.... from his
point of view I wouldn’t commit to him and move there right away... it hasn’t even been a year and he goes out all the time... time to forgive myself for the things I have said out of anger and take it at face value...

the article on the chicken really opens your eyes! Never thought of it that way before 🤔
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Old 08-24-2019, 08:41 AM
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Linzey hope you have a good day today
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Old 08-24-2019, 09:14 AM
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
Linzey hope you have a good day today
thank you! It’s sunny and 80 I’m gonna go sit by the pool! I hope you have a good day as well!
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