Nothing changed - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information >
Register Blogs FAQ Members List Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read




Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 08-14-2019, 10:08 AM   #1 (permalink)
Madlovelily
 
Madlovelily81's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Bell California
Posts: 42

Nothing changed


Nothing change from the last time but I guess I already knew that. At this point in my life I need to forgive him not for him but for me so I can be happy and move on. I just dont know where to start or how to start the process to forgive. I'm holding on to something that it's never gonna be. 10yrs I gave to this relationship. I dont want to hold on to this hate anymore I wanna be happy. Honestly i dont think i wanna continue with this relationship anymore. I'm playing myself in staying in it. Telling myself all the excuses to stay, but I'm not happy anymore.
Madlovelily81 is offline   Reply With Quote
Madlovelily81 found treatment at Flossie Lewis
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Madlovelily81 For This Useful Post:
Ann (08-14-2019), HardLessons (08-20-2019), hopeful4 (08-15-2019), trailmix (08-14-2019)
Old 08-14-2019, 10:47 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,031
well 10 years is a long time....it's what you know. it might be miserable, but it's YOUR miserable. life without this relationship is going to be different and right now you don't know what that different looks like.

it's kind of like Let's Make A Deal - you don't know what is behind Curtain #1.

but if you just take that brave step, cut the ties, and get free - it WILL be better. maybe not the next day, change takes time. but you will make room in your life for so many good things. just let go of the big BAD thing. you can work on forgiveness as time goes by. that too is a process.
AnvilheadII is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to AnvilheadII For This Useful Post:
Ann (08-14-2019), HardLessons (08-14-2019), Hawkeye13 (08-14-2019), OpheliaKatz (08-17-2019), SparkleKitty (08-16-2019), trailmix (08-14-2019)
Old 08-14-2019, 12:25 PM   #3 (permalink)
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lakes
Posts: 53,817
I couldn't say it better than Anvilhead did, it will be a new frontier for you but it holds hope for a happy and peaceful life, away from addiction.

I am cheering you on! You can do this because you are sooooo worth the effort it will take.

Hugs
__________________


Live your joy,
Go against the grain.
Don’t be made timid by worried rejection.
Let nature’s curious wisdom fill you.
Let the world’s mystical heritage guide you.
Paint your canvasses,
play your tunes.
~Thomas Moore
Ann is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Ann For This Useful Post:
HardLessons (08-20-2019), hopeful4 (08-15-2019), tomsteve (08-14-2019), trailmix (08-14-2019)
Old 08-14-2019, 12:49 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
tomsteve's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 14,987
Quote:
Originally Posted by Madlovelily81 View Post
At this point in my life I need to forgive him not for him but for me so I can be happy and move on. I just dont know where to start or how to start the process to forgive..
heres something you can work on/try:
'If you have resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it everyday for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate, understanding and love.'

It worked for me then, and it has worked for me many times since, and it will work for me every time I am willing to work it. Sometimes I have to ask first for the willingness, but it always comes. And because it works for me, it will work for all of us. As another great man says, 'The only real freedom a human being can ever know is doing what you ought to do because you want to do it.'"
__________________
all big book quotes from 1st edition
tomsteve is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to tomsteve For This Useful Post:
Ann (08-14-2019), HardLessons (08-15-2019), OpheliaKatz (08-17-2019)
Old 08-14-2019, 05:49 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 3,488
I wouldn't worry too much about forgiveness at this point, how about just being kind to yourself?

Acceptance is helpful, accept that all this happened (and from the bit I read from your previous post, it's not good), then move on.

It happened, nothing can change the past, he sure isn't going to make it better, so accept, move on - forgiveness, if it ever comes will be down the road.

Speaking of down the road, sounds like that is where you want to be moving. Being in one of these dysfunctional relationships so long makes it hard to leave. Exhaustion, confusion, self esteem battered.

However, that doesn't have to be your life anymore, the front door opens right up and you can walk right out it today. You are not a hostage (although I'm sure it feels like it sometimes).

Is that what you are planning to do? Leave that is.
trailmix is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to trailmix For This Useful Post:
HardLessons (08-15-2019)
Old 08-14-2019, 06:16 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Troubledone's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 450
By the time many of us get fed up enough to end the madness, many years have gone by and we can all relate to what you are feeling.

At a time when I was at my wits end with a family member, I stumbled on an interesting book:

Make Miracles in 40 days by Melody Beatty

We all know Melody as someone who has written a lot about codependency. this book is very different than most of her others because it is a very different take on gratitude. It is a practice of being grateful for all those things we think we are supposed to hate or resent.

I will tell you, I did get many miracles in the 40 days I tried it.

So before forgiveness, there is awareness, and with awareness comes gratitude, even for the bad stuff, and then with forgiveness comes freedom.

Best wishes on your journey.
Troubledone is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Troubledone For This Useful Post:
HardLessons (08-15-2019), trailmix (08-14-2019)
Old 08-15-2019, 02:36 PM   #7 (permalink)
Madlovelily
 
Madlovelily81's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Bell California
Posts: 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
well 10 years is a long time....it's what you know. it might be miserable, but it's YOUR miserable. life without this relationship is going to be different and right now you don't know what that different looks like.

it's kind of like Let's Make A Deal - you don't know what is behind Curtain #1.

but if you just take that brave step, cut the ties, and get free - it WILL be better. maybe not the next day, change takes time. but you will make room in your life for so many good things. just let go of the big BAD thing. you can work on forgiveness as time goes by. that too is a process.
thank you so much
Madlovelily81 is offline   Reply With Quote
Madlovelily81 found treatment at Flossie Lewis
Old 08-15-2019, 02:37 PM   #8 (permalink)
Madlovelily
 
Madlovelily81's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Bell California
Posts: 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann View Post
I couldn't say it better than Anvilhead did, it will be a new frontier for you but it holds hope for a happy and peaceful life, away from addiction.

I am cheering you on! You can do this because you are sooooo worth the effort it will take.

Hugs
awwww... thank u so much
Madlovelily81 is offline   Reply With Quote
Madlovelily81 found treatment at Flossie Lewis
Old 08-15-2019, 02:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
Madlovelily
 
Madlovelily81's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Bell California
Posts: 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
heres something you can work on/try:
'If you have resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it everyday for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate, understanding and love.'

It worked for me then, and it has worked for me many times since, and it will work for me every time I am willing to work it. Sometimes I have to ask first for the willingness, but it always comes. And because it works for me, it will work for all of us. As another great man says, 'The only real freedom a human being can ever know is doing what you ought to do because you want to do it.'"
omg, thank u so much......
Madlovelily81 is offline   Reply With Quote
Madlovelily81 found treatment at Flossie Lewis
The Following User Says Thank You to Madlovelily81 For This Useful Post:
tomsteve (08-15-2019)
Old 08-15-2019, 02:43 PM   #10 (permalink)
Madlovelily
 
Madlovelily81's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Bell California
Posts: 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I wouldn't worry too much about forgiveness at this point, how about just being kind to yourself?

Acceptance is helpful, accept that all this happened (and from the bit I read from your previous post, it's not good), then move on.

It happened, nothing can change the past, he sure isn't going to make it better, so accept, move on - forgiveness, if it ever comes will be down the road.

Speaking of down the road, sounds like that is where you want to be moving. Being in one of these dysfunctional relationships so long makes it hard to leave. Exhaustion, confusion, self esteem battered.

However, that doesn't have to be your life anymore, the front door opens right up and you can walk right out it today. You are not a hostage (although I'm sure it feels like it sometimes).

Is that what you are planning to do? Leave that is.
yes! U said it all for me as in sometimes I do feel like I'm stuck. We have a son together who has down syndrome. He needs both of us I guess u can say I keep trying to work it out due to my son, his 9yrs old and he does miss his dad. With that said I also need to be happy do I sound selfish?
Madlovelily81 is offline   Reply With Quote
Madlovelily81 found treatment at Flossie Lewis
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Madlovelily81 For This Useful Post:
HardLessons (08-20-2019), OpheliaKatz (08-17-2019), trailmix (08-15-2019)
Old 08-15-2019, 02:44 PM   #11 (permalink)
Madlovelily
 
Madlovelily81's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Bell California
Posts: 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by Troubledone View Post
By the time many of us get fed up enough to end the madness, many years have gone by and we can all relate to what you are feeling.

At a time when I was at my wits end with a family member, I stumbled on an interesting book:

Make Miracles in 40 days by Melody Beatty

We all know Melody as someone who has written a lot about codependency. this book is very different than most of her others because it is a very different take on gratitude. It is a practice of being grateful for all those things we think we are supposed to hate or resent.

I will tell you, I did get many miracles in the 40 days I tried it.

So before forgiveness, there is awareness, and with awareness comes gratitude, even for the bad stuff, and then with forgiveness comes freedom.

Best wishes on your journey.
Thank u I will look in to that book. Thank u
Madlovelily81 is offline   Reply With Quote
Madlovelily81 found treatment at Flossie Lewis
The Following User Says Thank You to Madlovelily81 For This Useful Post:
OpheliaKatz (08-17-2019)
Old 08-15-2019, 03:28 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
tomsteve's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 14,987
Quote:
Originally Posted by Madlovelily81 View Post
omg, thank u so much......
i strongly encourage you to not think,"ya know- i wanna get hit by a truck so ill pray for that to happen to them."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atBg9zLI2bA
__________________
all big book quotes from 1st edition
tomsteve is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to tomsteve For This Useful Post:
AnvilheadII (08-15-2019), HardLessons (08-20-2019), OpheliaKatz (08-17-2019), SmallButMighty (08-20-2019), trailmix (08-15-2019)
Old 08-15-2019, 03:43 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 3,488
You don't sound selfish at all (and I really mean that, not saying it just to make you feel better).

I'm sure your Son also feels the tension in the home, kids are usually completely aware of the situation in the household not being happy.

So to the selfishness, you deserve a happy, peaceful and contented life. Let's say you do move out and have probably most of the custody of your Son. Think about how much happier you will be, therefore he will be too. Imagine coming home and there is peace and quiet. You two can eat what you like, watch tv, do a puzzle, whatever is to your liking and no one will be disturbing your peace, that's so important!

Your Son doesn't have to miss his Dad too much, he will still get to see him of course. It will just be different and kids do adapt.

Do you have a plan at all? Perhaps there is an organization, maybe even one your are a member of that can point you in the right direction for assistance with care for your Son (I took you to mean you need two people to take care of him full time?).

Then there is the financial aspect, is this doable financially, what resources might be available to you? No need to answer this, of course, just throwing it out there.

Rome was not built in a day and you don't have to go rushing out the door but just taking baby steps toward your goal and getting the information will make you feel SO much better.

You aren't trapped.
trailmix is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to trailmix For This Useful Post:
HardLessons (08-20-2019), OpheliaKatz (08-17-2019)
Old 08-16-2019, 04:32 PM   #14 (permalink)
Madlovelily
 
Madlovelily81's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Bell California
Posts: 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
i strongly encourage you to not think,"ya know- i wanna get hit by a truck so ill pray for that to happen to them."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atBg9zLI2bA
thank u I listen to the song
Madlovelily81 is offline   Reply With Quote
Madlovelily81 found treatment at Flossie Lewis
Old 08-16-2019, 04:37 PM   #15 (permalink)
Madlovelily
 
Madlovelily81's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Bell California
Posts: 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
i strongly encourage you to not think,"ya know- i wanna get hit by a truck so ill pray for that to happen to them."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atBg9zLI2bA
Quote:
Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
You don't sound selfish at all (and I really mean that, not saying it just to make you feel better).

I'm sure your Son also feels the tension in the home, kids are usually completely aware of the situation in the household not being happy.

So to the selfishness, you deserve a happy, peaceful and contented life. Let's say you do move out and have probably most of the custody of your Son. Think about how much happier you will be, therefore he will be too. Imagine coming home and there is peace and quiet. You two can eat what you like, watch tv, do a puzzle, whatever is to your liking and no one will be disturbing your peace, that's so important!

Your Son doesn't have to miss his Dad too much, he will still get to see him of course. It will just be different and kids do adapt.

Do you have a plan at all? Perhaps there is an organization, maybe even one your are a member of that can point you in the right direction for assistance with care for your Son (I took you to mean you need two people to take care of him full time?).

Then there is the financial aspect, is this doable financially, what resources might be available to you? No need to answer this, of course, just throwing it out there.

Rome was not built in a day and you don't have to go rushing out the door but just taking baby steps toward your goal and getting the information will make you feel SO much better.

You aren't trapped.
I been talking to friends and legal experts and like u said taking baby steps, and getting everything situated and getting all my legal stuff in order as well so when the time comes I'm prepared legally. I just had to find out my legal rights as a wife. He had me so brain wash and scared that I had forgotten all about my legal rights. Now I just let him be I dont argue or say anything anymore to him about anything and like I said getting my stuff ready.
Madlovelily81 is offline   Reply With Quote
Madlovelily81 found treatment at Flossie Lewis
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Madlovelily81 For This Useful Post:
AnvilheadII (08-18-2019), HardLessons (08-20-2019), OpheliaKatz (08-17-2019), tomsteve (08-16-2019), trailmix (08-16-2019)
Old 08-17-2019, 08:05 PM   #16 (permalink)
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
 
OpheliaKatz's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,194
Quote:
Originally Posted by Madlovelily81 View Post
Nothing change from the last time but I guess I already knew that. At this point in my life I need to forgive him not for him but for me so I can be happy and move on. I just dont know where to start or how to start the process to forgive. I'm holding on to something that it's never gonna be. 10yrs I gave to this relationship. I dont want to hold on to this hate anymore I wanna be happy. Honestly i dont think i wanna continue with this relationship anymore. I'm playing myself in staying in it. Telling myself all the excuses to stay, but I'm not happy anymore.
I could have written this years ago. I was in it for 10 years too. In the end, I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror anymore and I started to hate the person looking back at me.

Taking the first step to leave was so scary. Leaving was extremely painful. But it's been a while and I can tell you... even though I am still trying to get myself back, I feel better because I am better.

You don't need anyone's permission but your own.
OpheliaKatz is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to OpheliaKatz For This Useful Post:
HardLessons (08-20-2019), PuzzledHeart (08-17-2019), trailmix (08-18-2019)
Old 08-19-2019, 07:36 PM   #17 (permalink)
Madlovelily
 
Madlovelily81's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Bell California
Posts: 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz View Post
I could have written this years ago. I was in it for 10 years too. In the end, I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror anymore and I started to hate the person looking back at me.

Taking the first step to leave was so scary. Leaving was extremely painful. But it's been a while and I can tell you... even though I am still trying to get myself back, I feel better because I am better.

You don't need anyone's permission but your own.
Thank you, i really appreciate that's exactly my biggest fear. I feel the same way when I look at myself in a mirror I dont even look in the mirror anymore like I do but I dont see myself .
Madlovelily81 is offline   Reply With Quote
Madlovelily81 found treatment at Flossie Lewis
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Madlovelily81 For This Useful Post:
HardLessons (08-20-2019), trailmix (08-19-2019)
Old 08-20-2019, 12:52 AM   #18 (permalink)
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 5,743
Quote:
Originally Posted by Madlovelily81 View Post
I been talking to friends and legal experts and like u said taking baby steps, and getting everything situated and getting all my legal stuff in order as well so when the time comes I'm prepared legally. I just had to find out my legal rights as a wife. He had me so brain wash and scared that I had forgotten all about my legal rights. Now I just let him be I dont argue or say anything anymore to him about anything and like I said getting my stuff ready.
Way to go, literally. If possible, preparation and having the finances, accomodation and safety plan in place will speak much louder than words. Give him a big surprise.
__________________
".....we are the masters of our fate.......the task which has been set us is not above our strength."
FeelingGreat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-20-2019, 09:40 AM   #19 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 688
Hi MLL

I went back and re-read your posts from February 2018.

Not sure if your husband has remained clean or not.

You certainly have been dealing with a very difficult circumstance.

There came a point in time during my relationship where she voluntarily started telling me all about her life. I think she started telling me because she couldn't hide it any longer. Over about a 6 month period of time there were several major revelations from her.

At first I tried hard to simply accept that she was being open & honest with me. I tried hard not to judge her. Even though she was dropping major bombs.

After a while of dealing with this openness on her part, it became overwhelming for me. Some of it still negatively effects me to this day. It was way too much for me to deal with. I internalized it all. It took me to a very dark place.

I totally understand the self esteem hit. I don't like mirrors even to this day.

Our addicts don't have answers for us. We have to find our own answers.

I don't have advice for you. But I hope you find happiness & peace for both you & your son.
HardLessons is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to HardLessons For This Useful Post:
SmallButMighty (08-20-2019)
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:31 AM.