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Old 08-05-2019, 08:20 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Feeling low


I am having a really rough day today.... as I wrote in my last post, my ex boyfriend who was addicted to heroine came back into my life 2 years after he initially left and was back for the last two years.. he came back when he was addicted to heroine again and we got him help and he was doing wonderful but started drinking slowly.. wasnít going out only drinking at home then started going out.. Swears he isnít on drugs but wants to be able to drink beer when he wants to.. we fought from May-July and mid July he told me he didnít want to be with me anymore I made him miserable and hated when he went out...

its been 3.5 weeks since that convo, I didnít talk to him for 1.5 weeks and then saw him out with another girl at the bar so I called him and told him he either wants to work on things or not Iím not waiting around.. he of course chose no said they arenít togther but they talk.. told his mom and brother same thing they arenít togther but they talk...

Up until last Thursday I was texting him asking him to see our relationship for the good it was but he just ignored me and ignored me and ignored me... I stopped and deleted him on all social media but could still see his profile it was public

Saturday I saw this girl add him and I stayed calm and saw him add her back five hours later he had blocked me from seeing his social media (mind you this kid was always sweet as pie to me) then yesterday I saw a post his cousin put up saying ďthe next part of your life will make some people wish they treated you betterĒ and he had loved it.. I got pretty upset because i stood by this kid through everything and heís acting like I am the devil and he hates me now..

regardless I am trying hard to let it all go and let him run his life.. I know he doesnít want me in his life so why am I so stuck on how hurt I am that he threw me to the wolves and got a new girlfiend? Does this sound like drug behavior? Or does he just really hate me?
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Old 08-05-2019, 08:51 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Sounds to me like typical addict behavior. Our addicts are what they are.

Best advice I can give you based on my experience is to run & don't look back. If you continue to contact him or even follow his social media simply expect to get hurt. If you want to end the hurt then let him be to go live his own life.

I know its all very difficult. You have to take care of you. He isn't going to do it.

I'm sorry for your situation.
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Old 08-05-2019, 08:52 AM   #3 (permalink)
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If you actually block someone you cannot see any of their info, even public info.

It's addict behavior. Stay no contact and move forward with your life in a positive way.
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Old 08-05-2019, 10:44 AM   #4 (permalink)
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it's helpful to no speak in such extremes or to react by anything you see on social media. this guy was never going to be THE GUY, too flaky, too addicted, too troubled. he kept you on the hook til he found the next shiny thing, it's what guys like him do.

block him, quit looking for anything about him online, and be glad you no longer have to deal with the ugliness and turmoil of heroin addiction!!!!

relationships should not be stuffed full of drama and chaos and so overly focused on only person of the two involved. we need to be careful not to become caretakers and fixers.
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Old 08-05-2019, 11:42 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Sorry you are going through this. I hope the following post is helpful, and truthful and not too harsh. I mean it for your highest good.

Healthy relationships are not this hard.

Addicts will hate anyone that gets in the way of using chemicals in some form to deal with life vs. the hard work of recovery. So yes, he probably does not have positive loving feelings toward you right now, but then addicts normally have only two modes - manipulating to get what they want or anger/repulsion/criticism. So, there is a good chance that his "love" was not the kind of healthy love of two normal adult people, but the machinations of addiction.

Any addict not ready for active recovery will jettison a relationship if it gets in the way of the drugs - and immediately find a new person who will put up with it. That's not love, that's dependency. So, while it is very disappointing, feels like betrayal and hurts a ton - of course an addict will throw you to the wolves if you want the drugs out of the equation.

The really important thing here though, especially when feeling really down, is to realize that if you can figure out why you put up with all this, you can be free of it. Thousands of healthy women would not put up with this insanity for 10 seconds. And, there are many women who go back to this kind of bad treatment again and again and again. Which one do you want to be?

Figure out the empty space in your own heart, develop a good relationship with yourself and your higher power, and you can be free of all this nonsense - because that's what it is - non-sense.

Oh, and about the cousin's post... birds of a feather flock together. So, try not to take the adolescent posts of another immature person to heart. No contact is the best way to keep from seeing all that adolescent nonsense and keep your focus where it belongs - on you.

Prayers for clarity, courage and hope.
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Old 08-05-2019, 12:48 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Linzey0706 View Post
Swears he isnít on drugs but wants to be able to drink beer when he wants to
Just to be clear - Beer is a drug. He's just switched drugs, nothing more.

So you had this guy, who was drugged most of the time. He was inconsistent, mean, unreliable, self centered etc.

What on earth did that add to your life besides drama and chaos? Then he wanders off because he doesn't like you reprimanding him about his drinking and finds someone else to hang out with - at the bar.

Unless your life plan includes hanging out with him at a bar, do you see why he has left?

Your plan for him is not feasible, it's not what he wants. He wants to drink (and drink and drink).

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

Trying to change someone is not a good approach. He is an addict and that is what he is - period. You can't make him not be one.

This hurts, I know it does and I'm sorry you are involved in this. It won't always feel this bad.
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Old 08-05-2019, 06:24 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Sounds to me like typical addict behavior. Our addicts are what they are.

Best advice I can give you based on my experience is to run & don't look back. If you continue to contact him or even follow his social media simply expect to get hurt. If you want to end the hurt then let him be to go live his own life.

I know its all very difficult. You have to take care of you. He isn't going to do it.

I'm sorry for your situation.
thank you for the kind words and wisdom itís SO hard.. heís been in my life on and off for ten years and when youíre 25 that feels like a LIFETIME.. Iím struggling making it through but I know itís been a constant roller coaster and probably only more to come if he comes back...
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Old 08-05-2019, 06:24 PM   #8 (permalink)
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If you actually block someone you cannot see any of their info, even public info.

It's addict behavior. Stay no contact and move forward with your life in a positive way.
trying!!! Thank you for the support... I donít know what Iíd do without this site
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Old 08-05-2019, 06:25 PM   #9 (permalink)
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it's helpful to no speak in such extremes or to react by anything you see on social media. this guy was never going to be THE GUY, too flaky, too addicted, too troubled. he kept you on the hook til he found the next shiny thing, it's what guys like him do.

block him, quit looking for anything about him online, and be glad you no longer have to deal with the ugliness and turmoil of heroin addiction!!!!

relationships should not be stuffed full of drama and chaos and so overly focused on only person of the two involved. we need to be careful not to become caretakers and fixers.
i hear what youíre saying.. itís just hard to let go after 10 years on and off and when heís good heís GREAT but when itís not heís.....
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Old 08-05-2019, 06:30 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Any addict not ready for active recovery will jettison a relationship if it gets in the way of the drugs - and immediately find a new person who will put up with it. That's not love, that's dependency. So, while it is very disappointing, feels like betrayal and hurts a ton - of course an addict will throw you to the wolves if you want the drugs out of the equation.

The really important thing here though, especially when feeling really down, is to realize that if you can figure out why you put up with all this, you can be free of it. Thousands of healthy women would not put up with this insanity for 10 seconds. And, there are many women who go back to this kind of bad treatment again and again and again. Which one do you want to be.
These two paragraphs resinate well with me. I have always been told that if you are in the way of the drug you will be worthless... I guess our minds like to think after 10 years of support and standing by his side that he wouldnít choose alcohol over us... but Iím quickly learning alcohol can become his heroin.....

and the second paragraph weighs heavy on me... Iíve always wanted to be strong enough to be one of those women who doesnít deal with it and is confident in that decision
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Old 08-05-2019, 06:32 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Just to be clear - Beer is a drug. He's just switched drugs, nothing more.

So you had this guy, who was drugged most of the time. He was inconsistent, mean, unreliable, self centered etc.

What on earth did that add to your life besides drama and chaos? Then he wanders off because he doesn't like you reprimanding him about his drinking and finds someone else to hang out with - at the bar..
this really hits home... youíre right. I had expectations and held the bar higher for him than he wants to reach... unfortunately not even 10 years or first true love can change his mind
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Old 08-05-2019, 11:25 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I’ve always wanted to be strong enough to be one of those women who doesn’t deal with it and is confident in that decision
You can be absolutely. You will have to change the way you view this to do that. Truly the only person you can change is yourself (yes, it's a well worn saying - but that's because it's true). Try not to take it personally, he is an addict doing what addicts do, that has nothing to do with you.

Boundaries. Everyone needs them. You need to have boundaries for your life, including in relationships, not just romantic ones. What are yours? How do you want to be treated, what will you and won't you put up with? Have you heard of the book Codependent no more by Melody Beattie? Lots of good info there about boundaries.

What is your plan? Would you like to travel the world? Get married? Have children? Item A. might be somewhat doable with an addict (as long as you are prepared to really be on your own). The second item is generally a disaster and the third item should be out of the question.

You might find this article interesting, it's about intermittent reinforcement. It might go some way to explaining why you are having such a hard time letting this relationship go?

https://tealswan.com/resources/artic...tionship-r210/
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Old 08-06-2019, 10:18 AM   #13 (permalink)
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It sounds like this relationship was a deep source of love for you. It’s very, very difficult when you’ve bonded with someone, to come to terms with it when addiction rears it’s ugly head. It’s like invasion of the body snatchers. And you just want the person you knew and loved back. Very painful stuff here .

I’ve been in this position myself, and I know no one wants to hear this, but when you are in a situation like this, it’s an uphill battle trying to get better yourself, when you’re constantly being triggered by, and focused on, the person that is the source of your trigger. Everyone tells you to walk away, and talks about self love, but it’s so hard when even though you might know logically that it’s true, but at the same time you’re in this pit of pain that at times feels like death.

The thing is, it really is a vicious, ugly cycle. And I didn’t like this either, but when you finally face what you are feeling and experiencing when on the receiving end of behavior like this, at some point you just have to ask yourself, what can you do? I have found myself, I do find truth that putting down the person and walking away, not exposing yourself to any triggers (social media, contact with the person, etc), getting counseling (and that can be listening to podcasts, self help/ psychologists on YouTube who you find helpful, library books, group help, DBT & CBT therapist..whatever works for you), trying to keep a routine with meals and exercise, etc are all things that you can do.

Keeping contact with the person and getting triggered over & over is not going to get you the person you knew back, all it does put you in harms way. Good luck, you never know how strong you really are until find that you really can follow through on being true to yourself, honor your own feelings and experiences, and keep yourself safe and out of harm’s way of this shi**y behavior.
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Old 08-06-2019, 11:07 AM   #14 (permalink)
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There came a point in time ( it was actually towards the end of my relationship with her my addict), I had detached from her but needed help to sort my self out. It was like the first month being away from her. It was an extremely difficult time for me. I didn't know which way was up or down. Didn't know if I was coming or going.

I had posted my story here in this forum & was getting a lot of very good sound advice. I agreed with the analysis of my situation & advice but it was very hard for me to accept it.

I saw a therapist one on one. She helped me to step way back to more clearly see my relationship for what it is. To see clearly just how destructive it all was. To see the forest instead of just looking at that one big tree I had been looking at. I couldn't see the forest - I could only see that one big tree with her name on it.

Our relationships with our addicts deteriorate over time. By the very nature of what they are - they become extremely intense & emotional relationships. We are faced with hard choices. Save ourselves or go down the tubes with them. At one point I had decided I was going to save her even if I died trying.

That was foolish logic because I wasn't saving her at all. In terms of chasing her addiction(s) I was making her life worse. She no longer had any negative consequences for her bad foolish choices.

Its all very difficult. I am not sure how I even did it. I hope you choose to save yourself. If I read your post correctly, your young & have a lot of life to live. I may hurt for a while. In my case a long while. I tell you based on my own experience, it does get better & easier with time.
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Old 08-06-2019, 12:03 PM   #15 (permalink)
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WOW. This. is. me. right now...except we're older, have been together for 3 years. And have a blended family together. And what's worse is that we still live together until one of us can move out completely we're stuck together. He dumped me. I still can't get it through MY HEART...not head, why. I was good to him and for him, he towards the end wasn't. We sleep in separate bedrooms and don't even speak to each other.

He's already been trying to mess around with ex's and old friends with benefits. I'm so heartbroken. This can't be the real him. Was I that dumb and blind with fake love and emotions??!!!! It's hard to do the no contact rule when we live together. I'm strong one day and then feel at my lowest the next and can't stop crying and wondering WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED????? My brain is finally starting to accept it, but my heart won't. I hate feeling this way. Sometimes we'll speak to each other because we have to and he'll ask or say something like the old normal him and it makes me wish that we could be back to that....but it's like he's just done with me and I don't understand how that much love he had for me just died.

I know....the drugs.

He's moving out by the end of the month and I think I'll be fine and be able to give myself closure. And it would probably help if I blocked him from all social media but I just can't make myself do it just yet.....so I feel and understand what you're going through right now!!
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Old 08-06-2019, 12:57 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Its been a bit over a year now since I last spoke to her. In some ways it feels like a long year. In other ways its hard to believe its been that long at all.

I wonder at times what her life is like today. I don't dwell on it but I do wonder.

I could easily - right now- go online and find out things about her. See what shes up too. It would be very easy to do.

Since I detached from her & especially now I wont do that. I wont do it because all that I will find is a world of hurt. There is little to no chance that I would discover anything online about her that would make me even mildly happy. So I stay far away from it.
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Old 08-07-2019, 11:01 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Bravo! HardLessons, this is one great post! You have come so very far!!!!

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There came a point in time ( it was actually towards the end of my relationship with her my addict), I had detached from her but needed help to sort my self out. It was like the first month being away from her. It was an extremely difficult time for me. I didn't know which way was up or down. Didn't know if I was coming or going.

I had posted my story here in this forum & was getting a lot of very good sound advice. I agreed with the analysis of my situation & advice but it was very hard for me to accept it.

I saw a therapist one on one. She helped me to step way back to more clearly see my relationship for what it is. To see clearly just how destructive it all was. To see the forest instead of just looking at that one big tree I had been looking at. I couldn't see the forest - I could only see that one big tree with her name on it.

Our relationships with our addicts deteriorate over time. By the very nature of what they are - they become extremely intense & emotional relationships. We are faced with hard choices. Save ourselves or go down the tubes with them. At one point I had decided I was going to save her even if I died trying.

That was foolish logic because I wasn't saving her at all. In terms of chasing her addiction(s) I was making her life worse. She no longer had any negative consequences for her bad foolish choices.

Its all very difficult. I am not sure how I even did it. I hope you choose to save yourself. If I read your post correctly, your young & have a lot of life to live. I may hurt for a while. In my case a long while. I tell you based on my own experience, it does get better & easier with time.
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Old 08-08-2019, 03:20 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Thanks Hopeful you certainly helped me & still help me by reading your thoughtful posts to others.
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