IM BACK - 3+ year update... - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information >
Register Blogs FAQ Members List Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read




Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 07-30-2019, 10:37 AM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 47

IM BACK - 3+ year update...


Hey all! Here I am back on this site updating you all... and if you asked me three months ago regarding my several last posts from 2016 I would have told you a wonderful story about how my long term ex CAME BACK two years after the original post and things were WONDERFUL...

however, here I am about two months since things went south and I am back in the same. Exact. Position.

long story condensed: my long term ex that left me after rehab in 2016 came back in 2017... he met with a close friend told her how big of a mistake he made and that he would marry me some day (we did not know he wasnít sober) he made numerous attempts to get in contact and succeeded (mind you I had a new boyfriend at this time and was ďhappyĒ) me and my new boyfriend split and I started keeping in contact with my long term ex... about 5 months later it comes out he is not clean and sober and needs to go away (Jan/Feb 2018). I supported him tried to keep my distance and told him I wanted a good life for him and sent him off to rehab again keeping my distance... he gets out of rehab in May 2018 and keeps in contact with me (we are friends thatís it) by September I had planned a trip to go see him in FL... I realize then that I am not just a friend we agree to stay in each otherís lives and see nobody else but he needs to focus on his recovery.. he talks constantly about how he wants me to move there things are honestly AMAZING until April 2019.. April 2019 heís drinking a ton we are fighting non stop we arenít respecting each other but I donít want to give up... he has plans to come home July so I hold out... July comes he comes home we get in the biggest fight of our entire life..he tells me he doesnít want this anymore and itís never going to work.. he goes home and I see him out every.single.night at the bar.. (supposedly still clean from drugs) however, I then come across a video of him out with another girl (2 weeks post ending things ďfor goodĒ) and not talking.. he swears he isnít on drugs and just done with us but I canít seem to get off the feeling that he would never be this way with me if he wasnít drinking the way he is...

i know I need to let him make his bed however Iím so heartbroken and confused and worried heís gone more backwards than we all realize...
Linzey0706 is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Linzey0706 For This Useful Post:
HardLessons (07-30-2019), trailmix (07-30-2019)
Old 07-30-2019, 07:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 3,488
Hi LInzey - so he is not in any type of recovery, sounds like the just replaced one drug with another (alcohol).

I guess I am wondering, since you have finished this relationship with him, why are you are still involved? Wouldn't it be better for you to distance yourself from him? This way just hurts you.

If he wants to drink he will, that's his choice really.
trailmix is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to trailmix For This Useful Post:
Curious21 (07-31-2019), pdm22 (07-31-2019)
Old 07-31-2019, 02:53 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Hi LInzey - so he is not in any type of recovery, sounds like the just replaced one drug with another (alcohol).

I guess I am wondering, since you have finished this relationship with him, why are you are still involved? Wouldn't it be better for you to distance yourself from him? This way just hurts you.

If he wants to drink he will, that's his choice really.
i am having a really hard time letting him go. It felt like he came back in my life for a reason and was doing so well for so long, I guess Iím having a really hard time letting go the fact he woke up one day and doesnít want this again.
Linzey0706 is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Linzey0706 For This Useful Post:
trailmix (07-31-2019)
Old 07-31-2019, 07:55 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
pdm22's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 227
I think when you have a unhealthy pattern with a person, when that push-pull dynamic keeps tearing its ugly head, it’s not a bad idea to examine if perhaps there might be some “love addiction”, “love avoidant” stuff going on (a problem with attachments). Pia Mellody has a good book about it called “Facing Love Addiction”, she’s a long time expert in the field, but also, here’s an article on it. Good luck, it sounds like a hellacious space to be back in .

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.the...ddiction%3famp
pdm22 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-31-2019, 08:14 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 3,488
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linzey0706 View Post


i am having a really hard time letting him go. It felt like he came back in my life for a reason and was doing so well for so long, I guess Iím having a really hard time letting go the fact he woke up one day and doesnít want this again.
Yes, it is hard ending any relationship, that's for sure. Thing is you really need to protect yourself. What's going on here is doing you no good at all.

You are at home worrying about someone who is out drugging/partying, through his own choices. You can really have no effect on that. If you could, he wouldn't be out there.

Chances are he would like to live some kind of normal life, however the draw is too great. Until he is ready to really get sober and get in to recovery, he will just carry on.

The absolute best thing you can do for yourself is start to detach from that and focus back on taking care of yourself.

There is another book that is often recommended - Melody Beattie's Codependent No More. Not saying you are codependent of course but there is good information in that book that might help.

You might also want to check out the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

There are some great stickies at the top of the forum as well, this is a good place to start if you are interested:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
trailmix is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 07-31-2019, 09:49 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Yes, it is hard ending any relationship, that's for sure. Thing is you really need to protect yourself. What's going on here is doing you no good at all.

You are at home worrying about someone who is out drugging/partying, through his own choices. You can really have no effect on that. If you could, he wouldn't be out there.

Chances are he would like to live some kind of normal life, however the draw is too great. Until he is ready to really get sober and get in to recovery, he will just carry on.

The absolute best thing you can do for yourself is start to detach from that and focus back on taking care of yourself.

There is another book that is often recommended - Melody Beattie's Codependent No More. Not saying you are codependent of course but there is good information in that book that might help.

You might also want to check out the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum:

There are some great stickies at the top of the forum as well, this is a good place to start if you are interested
thank you so much. I think itís more trying to figure out if he has replaced his addiction or really just done with me and is drinking a lot, however he was a heroine addict with alcoholic parents so I canít see alcohol not being a vice too... I donít know where to even begin I feel like I lost half myself with him
Linzey0706 is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Linzey0706 For This Useful Post:
trailmix (07-31-2019)
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:59 PM.