|
IM BACK - 3+ year update... Hey all! Here I am back on this site updating you all... and if you asked me three months ago regarding my several last posts from 2016 I would have told you a wonderful story about how my long term ex CAME BACK two years after the original post and things were WONDERFUL... however, here I am about two months since things went south and I am back in the same. Exact. Position. long story condensed: my long term ex that left me after rehab in 2016 came back in 2017... he met with a close friend told her how big of a mistake he made and that he would marry me some day (we did not know he wasn’t sober) he made numerous attempts to get in contact and succeeded (mind you I had a new boyfriend at this time and was “happy”) me and my new boyfriend split and I started keeping in contact with my long term ex... about 5 months later it comes out he is not clean and sober and needs to go away (Jan/Feb 2018). I supported him tried to keep my distance and told him I wanted a good life for him and sent him off to rehab again keeping my distance... he gets out of rehab in May 2018 and keeps in contact with me (we are friends that’s it) by September I had planned a trip to go see him in FL... I realize then that I am not just a friend we agree to stay in each other’s lives and see nobody else but he needs to focus on his recovery.. he talks constantly about how he wants me to move there things are honestly AMAZING until April 2019.. April 2019 he’s drinking a ton we are fighting non stop we aren’t respecting each other but I don’t want to give up... he has plans to come home July so I hold out... July comes he comes home we get in the biggest fight of our entire life..he tells me he doesn’t want this anymore and it’s never going to work.. he goes home and I see him out every.single.night at the bar.. (supposedly still clean from drugs) however, I then come across a video of him out with another girl (2 weeks post ending things “for good”) and not talking.. he swears he isn’t on drugs and just done with us but I can’t seem to get off the feeling that he would never be this way with me if he wasn’t drinking the way he is... i know I need to let him make his bed however I’m so heartbroken and confused and worried he’s gone more backwards than we all realize... |
Hi LInzey - so he is not in any type of recovery, sounds like the just replaced one drug with another (alcohol). I guess I am wondering, since you have finished this relationship with him, why are you are still involved? Wouldn't it be better for you to distance yourself from him? This way just hurts you. If he wants to drink he will, that's his choice really. |
Originally Posted by trailmix
(Post 7237958)
Hi LInzey - so he is not in any type of recovery, sounds like the just replaced one drug with another (alcohol). I guess I am wondering, since you have finished this relationship with him, why are you are still involved? Wouldn't it be better for you to distance yourself from him? This way just hurts you. If he wants to drink he will, that's his choice really. |
I think when you have a unhealthy pattern with a person, when that push-pull dynamic keeps tearing its ugly head, it’s not a bad idea to examine if perhaps there might be some “love addiction”, “love avoidant” stuff going on (a problem with attachments). Pia Mellody has a good book about it called “Facing Love Addiction”, she’s a long time expert in the field, but also, here’s an article on it. Good luck, it sounds like a hellacious space to be back in :(. https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.the...ddiction%3famp |
Originally Posted by Linzey0706
(Post 7238088)
i am having a really hard time letting him go. It felt like he came back in my life for a reason and was doing so well for so long, I guess I’m having a really hard time letting go the fact he woke up one day and doesn’t want this again. You are at home worrying about someone who is out drugging/partying, through his own choices. You can really have no effect on that. If you could, he wouldn't be out there. Chances are he would like to live some kind of normal life, however the draw is too great. Until he is ready to really get sober and get in to recovery, he will just carry on. The absolute best thing you can do for yourself is start to detach from that and focus back on taking care of yourself. There is another book that is often recommended - Melody Beattie's Codependent No More. Not saying you are codependent of course but there is good information in that book that might help. You might also want to check out the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/ There are some great stickies at the top of the forum as well, this is a good place to start if you are interested: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html |
Originally Posted by trailmix
(Post 7238254)
Yes, it is hard ending any relationship, that's for sure. Thing is you really need to protect yourself. What's going on here is doing you no good at all. You are at home worrying about someone who is out drugging/partying, through his own choices. You can really have no effect on that. If you could, he wouldn't be out there. Chances are he would like to live some kind of normal life, however the draw is too great. Until he is ready to really get sober and get in to recovery, he will just carry on. The absolute best thing you can do for yourself is start to detach from that and focus back on taking care of yourself. There is another book that is often recommended - Melody Beattie's Codependent No More. Not saying you are codependent of course but there is good information in that book that might help. You might also want to check out the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum: There are some great stickies at the top of the forum as well, this is a good place to start if you are interested |
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:19 PM. |