Finally making sense
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Finally making sense
Update on my addict.
For those of you that don't know, I have been struggling with my addict for 15 years. Felonies, incarceration, commitment (mental illness), homelessness, bankruptcy, unemployment and now pregnancy.
So I have been practicing letting go with love.
Yesterday she called me - she has been working hard to find options for herself - housing, employment, etc., because she is living in a group home and I am "hands off".
She is considering giving the baby up for adoption (finally) because she is finally realizing how hard it is to be pregnant and on-off with an idiot addicted boyfriend. Tests say the baby is healthy and no markers for downs - a miracle really at her age and her background.
I didn't push either way. She mentioned some other options. I just listened, asked her about a few things which alerted her to some information she might want to gather before making any fast moves. The conversation was 30 minutes and I hung up without giving advice, offering help or rescuing.
I don't know what she'll do and who knows if she'll go full term. But this is proof positive to me that "hands off the addict" is the only thing that might work. Not a guarantee, but way better than the anxiety of running around after her trying to save her and clean up her messes.
I am just praying - and I see evidence of my HP acting - and I just need to remember how I got here. I still feel that twinge of compassion for her plight - but then I remember that enabling doesn't help - her having to face the consequences of her decisions full-on helps.
So, if any of you are inclined, prayers for my strength and her clarity would be appreciated.
So glad this forum is here.
For those of you that don't know, I have been struggling with my addict for 15 years. Felonies, incarceration, commitment (mental illness), homelessness, bankruptcy, unemployment and now pregnancy.
So I have been practicing letting go with love.
Yesterday she called me - she has been working hard to find options for herself - housing, employment, etc., because she is living in a group home and I am "hands off".
She is considering giving the baby up for adoption (finally) because she is finally realizing how hard it is to be pregnant and on-off with an idiot addicted boyfriend. Tests say the baby is healthy and no markers for downs - a miracle really at her age and her background.
I didn't push either way. She mentioned some other options. I just listened, asked her about a few things which alerted her to some information she might want to gather before making any fast moves. The conversation was 30 minutes and I hung up without giving advice, offering help or rescuing.
I don't know what she'll do and who knows if she'll go full term. But this is proof positive to me that "hands off the addict" is the only thing that might work. Not a guarantee, but way better than the anxiety of running around after her trying to save her and clean up her messes.
I am just praying - and I see evidence of my HP acting - and I just need to remember how I got here. I still feel that twinge of compassion for her plight - but then I remember that enabling doesn't help - her having to face the consequences of her decisions full-on helps.
So, if any of you are inclined, prayers for my strength and her clarity would be appreciated.
So glad this forum is here.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This is really great news! I pray she continues to consider adoption as an option. I also pray she continues to work on all of it herself.
Prayer is a powerful thing friend!
You should be proud of yourself!
Prayer is a powerful thing friend!
You should be proud of yourself!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You both have my prayers too, and a very special prayer that the precious baby finds a good and safe home.
Compassion is good and it doesn't mean involvement, it just means that our hearts care. Treating her with compassion is kind and supportive and I know how hard it is to not lecture her or tell her what she "should" do, that part isn't ours to control.
Well done, Troubledone, it's been a long journey for both of us and I am grateful to share the path of recovery with you.
Hugs
Compassion is good and it doesn't mean involvement, it just means that our hearts care. Treating her with compassion is kind and supportive and I know how hard it is to not lecture her or tell her what she "should" do, that part isn't ours to control.
Well done, Troubledone, it's been a long journey for both of us and I am grateful to share the path of recovery with you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
My addict has been left in God's hands. God knows whats best for her life. I no longer interfere & mess up God's plan for her. Shes an adult & needs to figure out her own problems without interference from me.
What I wrote above is not a cop out on my part. Its not me running away from a problem. I tried absolutely everything & nothing worked.
What I wrote above is not a cop out on my part. Its not me running away from a problem. I tried absolutely everything & nothing worked.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
When you think about it, it's progress for your relationship from her side as well. She rang you and used you as a sounding board. You made some contributions but didn't offer rescue.
It sounds suspiciously like a conversation between adults.
It sounds suspiciously like a conversation between adults.
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