So confused and sad
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 22
So confused and sad
Hope it is ok for me to post here. If not, my apologies. My husband's most recent addiction is meth. He is not quite 90 days clean. He spent 30 days in rehab. The two weeks prior to going to rehab, and the catalyst for him deciding he needed to go, was worse than I could have ever imagined. He went on a "bender." This was something I never experienced in the past year of meth use or in the other 5 years of prescription pill use. I was warned by other SR members that it could get worse than it was, and boy did it ever. During this time, he found some new "friends" to play with. He was the star of the show. He had a nice car so he could provide transportation (drug runs is what another SR member explained to me it was). He had money, so he could buy food, alcohol and cigarettes for the crowd. And of course he could buy drugs for himself and was giddy once on the phone when he was whispering to me that he couldn't leave because they had free drugs. Well, we all know nothing is free. They rewarded him by stealing his hand gun, watch and iPhone. He managed to figure out who did it and recovered these items.
However, the thing that tore a hole in my very soul is that he ended up having sex with someone he was smoking crack with. (I was warned of this possibility from SR members also.) I understand that meth makes you hypersexualized, but still not a real excuse. He said it was in retaliation for something he thought I did that he now realizes I didn't do. Guess that is part of the paranoia. At this point in time he had been snorting and occasionally smoking meth daily for about a year-didn't know that then, but know that now. He seemed remorseful and said it was not a relationship and drugs was all they had in common. Additionally, I found an email from an Ashley Madison account in his email account when he went to rehab and he admitted he had been watching porn regularly. He claims he never did anything with the account and scoffed at me saying he had no money and every bit he did have went to drugs.
We have been married almost 25 years. He has always talked bad about people who cheated on their spouse. I confided in one of his friends who lost his first wife to addiction. He was shocked as well as he said my husband was always the faithful one when all the guys would go out or travel.
Since he has come home, he has had what I think is anhedonia. I understand this is common with meth users initially upon stopping. What I thought was confusion from meth now seems as if maybe he has had a cognitive decline from meth use. He also says he realizes he can't concentrate, remember and is having difficulty studying material to go on job interviews. He has no motivation. He is not like the pre-meth man. The real kicker is that he had a text in his phone when he got it back after rehab from the woman he was smoking crack with that he had sex with. He responded to her. He said he felt so unhappy that he thought maybe that would make him happy. He said it didn't. It just made him think about using. When I found out, he had me delete contacts in his phone and changed his phone number and set his phone up so I could see his location. Additionally, he has emailed a woman from rehab. Of course, he claims nothing is going on there and she lives 2 states away. He just wanted to offer support as she is in an abusive relationship. We were separated for 2&1/2 years about 2 years ago. He dated during this time. Always claimed he hated dating. He said people were fake and didn't have good morals. I imagine it took away the cash he needed back then for his pain pill addiction. He claims he was going through his email and found his old Plenty of Fish account and logged on. Said he just looked around. That's all.
Where is the moral compass he once had? Will this get better? Will he again understand and value relationships, the idea of trust, and what true intimacy is? Has meth hijacked his brain or is he just an ass?He verbalizes that he knows he wants to work on our marriage and stay clean. There are moments he is kind and loving and then the next thing you know, he's completely flat. It's not just me that he is this way with. He hasn't returned calls to his sisters and he's been out of rehab since May 2nd. He is rarely loving with our daughters. He says he doesn't understand why he keeps doing things that would hurt me. His therapist told me he has a hard time right now even identifying an emotion. It's beginning to look like a character flaw. It's taking a toll on my self-esteem. I do have a therapist and I do go to Al-Anon, but I truly struggle with how he gives himself permission to communicate with other women. This is nothing like he was when he came home from rehab for pain pills in December '17. Things were so much better right away. Not perfect, but so good. Sorry for the epistle and thanks for any insight you have to share.
HK
However, the thing that tore a hole in my very soul is that he ended up having sex with someone he was smoking crack with. (I was warned of this possibility from SR members also.) I understand that meth makes you hypersexualized, but still not a real excuse. He said it was in retaliation for something he thought I did that he now realizes I didn't do. Guess that is part of the paranoia. At this point in time he had been snorting and occasionally smoking meth daily for about a year-didn't know that then, but know that now. He seemed remorseful and said it was not a relationship and drugs was all they had in common. Additionally, I found an email from an Ashley Madison account in his email account when he went to rehab and he admitted he had been watching porn regularly. He claims he never did anything with the account and scoffed at me saying he had no money and every bit he did have went to drugs.
We have been married almost 25 years. He has always talked bad about people who cheated on their spouse. I confided in one of his friends who lost his first wife to addiction. He was shocked as well as he said my husband was always the faithful one when all the guys would go out or travel.
Since he has come home, he has had what I think is anhedonia. I understand this is common with meth users initially upon stopping. What I thought was confusion from meth now seems as if maybe he has had a cognitive decline from meth use. He also says he realizes he can't concentrate, remember and is having difficulty studying material to go on job interviews. He has no motivation. He is not like the pre-meth man. The real kicker is that he had a text in his phone when he got it back after rehab from the woman he was smoking crack with that he had sex with. He responded to her. He said he felt so unhappy that he thought maybe that would make him happy. He said it didn't. It just made him think about using. When I found out, he had me delete contacts in his phone and changed his phone number and set his phone up so I could see his location. Additionally, he has emailed a woman from rehab. Of course, he claims nothing is going on there and she lives 2 states away. He just wanted to offer support as she is in an abusive relationship. We were separated for 2&1/2 years about 2 years ago. He dated during this time. Always claimed he hated dating. He said people were fake and didn't have good morals. I imagine it took away the cash he needed back then for his pain pill addiction. He claims he was going through his email and found his old Plenty of Fish account and logged on. Said he just looked around. That's all.
Where is the moral compass he once had? Will this get better? Will he again understand and value relationships, the idea of trust, and what true intimacy is? Has meth hijacked his brain or is he just an ass?He verbalizes that he knows he wants to work on our marriage and stay clean. There are moments he is kind and loving and then the next thing you know, he's completely flat. It's not just me that he is this way with. He hasn't returned calls to his sisters and he's been out of rehab since May 2nd. He is rarely loving with our daughters. He says he doesn't understand why he keeps doing things that would hurt me. His therapist told me he has a hard time right now even identifying an emotion. It's beginning to look like a character flaw. It's taking a toll on my self-esteem. I do have a therapist and I do go to Al-Anon, but I truly struggle with how he gives himself permission to communicate with other women. This is nothing like he was when he came home from rehab for pain pills in December '17. Things were so much better right away. Not perfect, but so good. Sorry for the epistle and thanks for any insight you have to share.
HK
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Heelkat, that sounds like hell.
First off, this is his second go around with raging addiction (I take from your post today).
I'm not an addictions doctor so I don't know the difference between a pill addiction vs meth or alcohol and the different affects these might have on the brain, what I do know is they all do.
Sometimes when everyone is so focused on the addiction we can forget that while all these things damage the family, the spouse and all relationships, it also damages the addict.
Everything he has gone through changes him. He is not the person you knew before his addiction or if he has always been an addict, then in whatever he has done in the intervening years. His cheating can have no excuse and he needs to own it (but that is not your issue, that's his). Just using that as an example, according to all that's not how he really is. Well he did it and he must live with that fact now. Hanging out with a bunch of meth heads day in and day out, stoned out of his brain, that changes someone.
As for his continued philandering, in no way shape or form is there any excuse for any of that. None. There can be no good reason, it's BS - nothing more, nothing less.
He may have quit the drugs for now but the addictive behaviours continue.
I don't know what your situation is as in if you are considering another separation, but please be keenly aware that based on what you have shared today nothing has really changed.
Addiction is tricky, while for all intents and purposes he may seem to be thinking fairly clearly/rationally, that really is not the case from what you have said. These are not "moral" failings or choices, these are the insanity (yes insanity) of addiction.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
"For in the case of the delusional schizophrenic most people are quickly aware that they are dealing with someone not in their right mind - but in the case of the equally or at times even more insane addict, thinking that is in fact delusional may be and commonly is misattributed to potentially remediable voluntary choices and moral decisions, resulting in still more confusion and muddying of the already turbulent waters around the addict and his addiction".
First off, this is his second go around with raging addiction (I take from your post today).
I'm not an addictions doctor so I don't know the difference between a pill addiction vs meth or alcohol and the different affects these might have on the brain, what I do know is they all do.
Sometimes when everyone is so focused on the addiction we can forget that while all these things damage the family, the spouse and all relationships, it also damages the addict.
Everything he has gone through changes him. He is not the person you knew before his addiction or if he has always been an addict, then in whatever he has done in the intervening years. His cheating can have no excuse and he needs to own it (but that is not your issue, that's his). Just using that as an example, according to all that's not how he really is. Well he did it and he must live with that fact now. Hanging out with a bunch of meth heads day in and day out, stoned out of his brain, that changes someone.
As for his continued philandering, in no way shape or form is there any excuse for any of that. None. There can be no good reason, it's BS - nothing more, nothing less.
He may have quit the drugs for now but the addictive behaviours continue.
I don't know what your situation is as in if you are considering another separation, but please be keenly aware that based on what you have shared today nothing has really changed.
Addiction is tricky, while for all intents and purposes he may seem to be thinking fairly clearly/rationally, that really is not the case from what you have said. These are not "moral" failings or choices, these are the insanity (yes insanity) of addiction.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
"For in the case of the delusional schizophrenic most people are quickly aware that they are dealing with someone not in their right mind - but in the case of the equally or at times even more insane addict, thinking that is in fact delusional may be and commonly is misattributed to potentially remediable voluntary choices and moral decisions, resulting in still more confusion and muddying of the already turbulent waters around the addict and his addiction".
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i'm kind of curious why you took him back? we aren't talking red flags here that indicate something is wrong.....you have facts right in front of you that along with his out of control drug use, he is also out of control regarding casual, risky sex and constant seeking of attention from other women. which is still ONGOING.
what concerns me is you are still buying the lines of bull he is feeding you. this is not a changed man, nor a remorseful man. he's probably counting his lucky stars that you let him come home, and he can try and play this off and not get kicked to the curb.
is he damaged from the drug use. heck yes. and boo hoo to poor stupid him. i tell you straight up right now - he is NEVER going to be a pre-anything. and he's never going to be the type and quality of man you deserve. he hasn't been for a long long time.
what concerns me is you are still buying the lines of bull he is feeding you. this is not a changed man, nor a remorseful man. he's probably counting his lucky stars that you let him come home, and he can try and play this off and not get kicked to the curb.
is he damaged from the drug use. heck yes. and boo hoo to poor stupid him. i tell you straight up right now - he is NEVER going to be a pre-anything. and he's never going to be the type and quality of man you deserve. he hasn't been for a long long time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Heelkat,
I don’t know a lot about meth addiction beyond what I have read here.
It sounds really awful.
I agree with trailmix and Anvil, he is not the man he used to be because of the drug use.
You have been with him through two addictions, he has been unfaithful and shows signs of continuing, he is not emotionally present for you and your daughters.
I imagine a great deal of money has been spent to support his addictions and rehab.
It doesn’t sound as if he brings much to the relationship, but is pretty adept at taking a lot from it.
Good luck.
I don’t know a lot about meth addiction beyond what I have read here.
It sounds really awful.
I agree with trailmix and Anvil, he is not the man he used to be because of the drug use.
You have been with him through two addictions, he has been unfaithful and shows signs of continuing, he is not emotionally present for you and your daughters.
I imagine a great deal of money has been spent to support his addictions and rehab.
It doesn’t sound as if he brings much to the relationship, but is pretty adept at taking a lot from it.
Good luck.
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