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-   -   Should he stay or should he go? (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/439327-should-he-stay-should-he-go.html)

jlsteel3 06-11-2019 08:25 PM

Should he stay or should he go?
 
Hello,

I'm new to posting, but have been lurking for quite some time and wanted to post after seeing the great advice everyone gives. So, I was with my addict for 4.5 years (on and off with every relapse and "recovery") and just recently broke it off on Sunday after he admitted he had relapsed a few weeks ago. In April he left to another state to go to rehab and a few weeks ago left his rehab to live with his "sober" friends.

Anyways, I've been through this enough times where now once I've learned he has released, I let him know not to contact me anymore as I am not unfamiliar with his manipulation tactics. The problem is my ego. I always wonder why he doesnt want to reach out and grovel at my feet and beg for me back. I know I shouldn't want that, because every time it does happen I end up taking him back as I fool myself into thinking itll hurt less than what I'm feeling now. But a part of me thinks "does he not miss me?"

Another problem is that while I may tell myself that this is it for good, I think subconsciously I dont believe that because this cycle has been repeated so many times. I'm afraid if he doesnt stop coming back then this cycle will never end as I think I'm strong until he catches me off guard. I wonder if he's in another state and has not contacted me in two days, maybe this time it will be real and he wont come back and I can finally take care of myself and eventually move on? Or is that just wishful thinking that my addict wont come back this time?

Torn between wanting him to come back/reach out to stroke my ego and feed my insecurities or for him to stay gone as that may be the only way I can really let go eventually.

Thanks!

Maudcat 06-12-2019 05:46 AM

Stay strong.
Time and distance will bring clarity.

Ann 06-12-2019 06:07 PM

Welcome, Jlsteel. Glad you joined us.

The revolving door of breaking up/making up/relapse rinse and repeat ends when we say it does.

It hurts and it is sad to say goodbye to our hopes and dreams, in my case it was for my son. After years and years of trying to save him from addiction and from himself, I had to let go. Already I could see that half the insanity was mine, in trying to fix what was not mine to fix.

Only you can decide whether to stay or go or to stay gone... but the pain of leaving does heal in time, the pain of staying may grow far bigger than it is now if you choose to stay.

Good luck.

jlsteel3 06-13-2019 06:29 AM

Thank you both! I suppose I will just have to maintain no contact and hope he doesnt find a way to reach me before I have worked on myself and gotten enough time in to not take him back. I know there is something inside me that keeps allowing myself to be treated this way and that this cycle will never end until I work on that.

Troubledone 06-13-2019 08:01 PM

Congratulations on the level of insight you have achieved. That's half the battle. To admit you both want him to stay away and want him to come back helps you see your own inner conflict and that is the first, hardest step in resolving it.

If your ego is anything like mine, it can be a mix of both good and bad intentions. And, there is more to you than your ego.

There is a place in all of us that when we are calm and centered knows what is best. Unfortunately, the insecure voice is always pretty loud and insistent.

What might you do to cultivate the quiet inner voice that knows what is best for you (whatever that is). And if that voice says stay away, what does it say about how to support yourself in that.

Insecurity about identity, purpose, the future, etc., can seep into any one of us.

Consciously seeking out goals that are important to you and finding a purpose that taps into your motivation is a great way to put your ex-bf into perspective.

If you can ease your insecurity through your own accomplishments, it might not completely calm your ego, but you might be looking for higher quality "strokes" than the "begging to get you back" kind.

Wishing you clarity and peace,

atalose 06-14-2019 01:13 PM

What’s the longest period of time you’ve been apart from him before you’ve taken him back?

The problem with the cycle of on again off again is that he’s gotten comfortable with it, counts on the fact you always take him back. He doesn’t really have to change does he?

That is the key to your happiness, discovering what that is inside of you that keeps allowing this to happen.


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