Reneevc

Im angry that my husband can be so high functioning. He is good at his job. Everyone thinks he’s so smart. So talented. He’s such a good father. Such a good husband. They don’t know he drinks vodka for breakfast. Snorts pills. Steals money from his mother. He acts like he knows everything. Thinks he’s too smart for counseling. Been there done that doesn’t help. He thinks he isn’t “bad enough” for rehab. He can stop using. But only for a while. When we confront him and tell him he desperately needs professional help, he throws a pity party, mopes around for a few days, buys suboxone instead of pills, and maybe cuts back on the drinking. But he never gets the help he needs. He doesn’t want the help he needs.

I want him to mess up. I want him to get caught. I want him to go to jail. Maybe that would finally push me to my limit. Why do I stay? I don’t know. I hold on to hope I suppose. As bad as it sounds, I don’t want my life to change. I’m comfortable. Even though I’m angry with him 90% of the time, and we barely speak. I don’t want to move out. We just built our house. I don’t want to leave. But each time I find pill powder on a counter, hear the ice going into his glass in the morning, or find out he stole money from his mother, I lose little more hope. I fall out of love a little more. But most of all, I’m angry with myself for staying as long as I have.

hopeful4

When the pain of staying becomes more than the pain of leaving, you will leave. I was very much in this same boat. Everyone thought my XAH was just this great guy. They had NO idea.

Until then, there are steps you can take for YOU.

Stop covering for him. It isolates you to where you do not have the support you need and deserve. When my X would not be at a function or was acting off, at first I would say he did not feel well or give some big excuse. One day I got sick of it and said that he was home drunk on the couch. In other words, I told the truth.

I started to do things I wanted to do without him. I went on trips, went camping, did the things I wanted that he would have ruined...without him.

I went to Celebrate Recovery so I had face to face support from people who could understand.

I went into therapy and saw a psychiatrist (these were separate) so that no matter what would happen, I would be strong enough to handle it on my own, which is good because that is eventually what I had to do.

My XAH broke into someone's house that he did not even know and caused $25k in damages. He did not go to jail. You cannot count on that, at all.

What you do is know the three C's: you did not Cause this, you cannot Control this, and you cannot Cure this. Addiction is progressive so it won't get any better. Prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best. Get yourself financially secure if you are not already that you can support yourself if need be.

You deserve more.

One, stop covering for him.

Troubledone

In a recent session with my therapist, we talked about ambivalence. It sounds like that is what you are describing. You want to leave and you want to stay. You want this to stop and you are powerless to stop it.

Here are some thoughts about ambivalence (which is not indifference, it is the feeling of being stuck between two opposing ideas and not knowing how to resolve it).

1. Embracing ambivalence with full awareness will help you unpack this.

When we are stuck it is because there is a depth of the problem we have not yet uncovered - in ourselves, the situation, the other person. When you have stayed present with the situation with full awareness long enough, your path will become clear and you'll find your way. The key is a "radical acceptance of what is" - which means you take it all in and try to make sense of it. You accept your husband's addiction, your own powerlessness, your own complicity in the situation and your own competencies and dependencies - the whole enchilada.

2. Your addict is likely also in a state of ambivalence.

Many addicts know deep down that their addiction is causing problems, but it is also a "solution" for them - helps them cope, makes them feel better, eases pain, etc. So many want to quit and don't want to quit. When other people (spouse, partner, friends, kids) take up one position like - "stop drinking its killing you" with the addict, it allows them to stay in the position of defending it. When we accept that the addict is stuck in their own ambivalence and don't try to rescue them from it, we leave them to solve their own problem - and that is the only person who can solve it. Also, for them to resolve it, they need to do their own inner work - which you cannot do for them.

That also frees up time for the family to take care of themselves, solve their own ambivalence and to plan for how they will take care of the future if the worst happens.

The thing is, that addiction gets worse. So, eventually, this will come to a crisis point. One never knows what that will look like (getting fired, DUI, whatever). So, if you can sit with this, accept what is, and consider the future and how you will handle things if they worsen, you may find a path to a better place.

Prayers you find the clarity to restore peace,

SparkleKitty

Reneevc, I can tell you this: "high-functioning" is not a TYPE of addiction. It's merely a STAGE. Left untreated, it will get worse, and the consequences will get worse, too.

Reneevc

hopeful4

You have achieved half of the battle. I am so happy to hear you protect your children and don't let him keep you from enjoying things in your life. It takes people a LONG time just to get to where you are, so I just want to let you know I recognize that and am cheering you on.

AnvilheadII

I’m comfortable. Even though I’m angry with him 90% of the time

i think this might actually be your Uncomfortable Comfort Zone. it's not really where you wanna be, but it's what you really know. you know how to be angry....at him. you know to suspect him, distrust him, even dislike him. and as long as that is where your focus goes....or ends up....meaning elsewhere, on someone else, than you can uncomfortable stay put,

But each time I find pill powder on a counter
you have kids right? his carelessness exposes them to passive drug interaction. what if they find his pills? think about the example they are being given here...cocktails in the morning, snorting pills, very unhappy parents. they are at risk - as children raised in addict homes and by addict parents. they are at risk to have access to drugs, either accidentally, experimentally or intentionally.

you said you just built a house. i'm guessing his addiction was still an issue before construction began. yet at the time, you found your way into being ok with it. what kind of talk did you have with yourself? what kind of bargains did you make - either with yourself, with God, with him? what trade offs did you make in order to be ok with it all?

this isn't a test, i'm not expecting an essay. just food for thought. figuring out our own self-talk - good or bad - is key.

Reneevc

AnvilheadII

i'm so sorry about the fire! my goodness, what a scary time. grateful you all came out ok!!!

just remember one thing.....

I came out with a child in each arm and nothing else.

you always have that strength in you. in the heat of the moment (sorry for the unintended pun there) you knew EXACTLY what was important and exactly what to do. that's tiger warrior mom stuff there. that is who you are!!

Ann

Amen to that.

I became so comfortable in my dysfunction that I didn't know HOW to be normal anymore. I found meetings, CoDA was my home group and Al-anon another regular meeting for me, and I slowly found my balance and a better way to live.

This is a difficult time for you, you CAN save yourself and your children, you already did.

Hugs from this mama's heart.

Maudcat

Hi, Reneevc.
FWIW, I grew up in an alcoholic household. My life wasn’t tragic. We always had what we needed, but I hated being around my father when he was drinking. He was mouthy and not at all nice.
And that left footprints in my head and my heart that have taken a long, long time with which to come to terms.
I’m not saying that your husband is a mean drunk. I’m saying that kids know when things aren’t good at home.
They take it in and sometimes, later, what they have taken in comes out sideways.
Their own addictions down the road, daughters seeking someone just like dear old dad, etc.
Will it happen? Don’t know. Can it happen?
Heck yeah.
For years I sought out men who, like my father, were belittling and treated me as less than.
Not sure what point here is. I guess I am just envisioning your marriage as two people who don’t speak much, with one person wishing the other would get thrown in jail because then, dear God, we would all be rid of him, and thinking that you and the children deserve better.

Reneevc

i can’t tell you all how much better I feel just reading your posts. Support from others really makes it feel a little less terrible. We have not spoken in 3 days (although we still reside in the same house). I take the children everywhere I go, and basically ignore he exists. He came to his mothers today (where I was, with the children). As he was leaving, the kids became upset because they couldn’t go with him. Both crying to go with daddy. It visibly bothered him. I saw him wipe tears when our daughter held his legs and begged to go with him. They will see him this evening when we get home, but they wanted to ride with him. As hard as it was to watch, I think that is good for him to feel the consequences of his choices. Even though it made me the “meanest mommy ever” because I wouldn’t let them go.

trailmix

A couple of things you posted here really stood out. Maybe it was good for him to see it, maybe not. Hasn't changed anything up to this point. It's maybe not good for you to be even thinking too much about this kind of stuff, he felt bad for a moment, but he is still using.

The second thing, the meanest mommy ever. It doesn't seem too harmful right now. They are young, you KNOW you are doing the right thing (so does your AH). The kids don't. They just think you are mean.

Now sometimes, as parents we have to make rules kids don't like - that's a given and expected. The problem with having an addict parent involved is indeed you can actually create real distance between yourself and your children. They love you, they love their Dad. He seems like a fine fellow, you keep them away from him. It can eventually cause a real and lasting rift between you and your kids, even as adults. I've read this on these very forums.

Perhaps it's time to explain to them (in age appropriate terms) exactly why he can't drive them anywhere (that it is not safe and Daddy agrees, perhaps it would be good coming from him).

This is for your benefit yes, but also for theirs.

Another caution and I certainly don't want to add to your worry, but a real possibility is someone finding out about his drug use in the household. If CPS were to get this information there could be really serious consequences. It's just something to consider as you decide what to do.

Maudcat

I agree with trailmix.
If protective services gets involved, who knows how, it could be bad.
My eldest grandson was babysitting his brothers, including a foster, some years back.
He got, shall we say, somewhat stern with them because they weren’t listening.
One of his sibs said something about the incident to a teacher.
Next thing you know, CPS was at the door.
It happens.
All ended well, but it was scary stuff for a while.

FeelingGreat

Hi Renee your situation now is volatile; he won't be able to keep all the balls in the air forever, you can count on that. In a year or two he really could get into serious trouble.

I understand you're not ready to make a move now, but it would be very prudent to prepare all you can for the future. This might involve job skills refresh, quiet budget measures so you can stash away some ICE money (In Case of Emergency), investigating child care options etc.

It's better to plan now, before you're forced to act.

Reneevc

Maudcat

Here when you need us.

trailmix

It's a tough move to make but very courageous Renee.

It's hard and it hurts. You will need support, remember not to isolate. Take good care of yourself, try to focus on you and your children.

More will be revealed, especially in how he reacts to this. Remember, actions, not words.

hopeful4

Sending you a big hug, we are here, supporting you!

Reneevc