Looking For Insight and Advice w/Boyfriend

Old 05-29-2019, 03:11 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
SuburbanGal's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2019
Location: SE WI
Posts: 28
Looking For Insight and Advice w/Boyfriend

The boyfriend and I had a falling out Monday night.

Ever since he left the one place for where he is now, he stopped calling to check in, see how I was holding up and talk to me. He then kept telling me he'd call me after a meeting or whatever and the call would never come.

I finally got to a breaking point. I was down at the docks Monday night, saw a couple kissing and just kind of lost it. I texted him telling him where I was and that I had been crying for awhile. His response was, "WOW! We talked about this (having to go slow)." I then said a few things I probably shouldn't have and he ended up blocking me, not only on the phone but FB as well. (Apparently, he was nervous about a job interview the next day and in a meeting (like I was supposed to know that!))

Tuesday evening I went over to the recovery house. We talked a bit and he let me kiss him. Told me he was going to unblock me as far as the phone went. However, after a few texts since then to wish him luck on today's interview and whatnot, nothing from him. I talked to him at the dealership briefly this morning and kissed him. He said he'd unblock me from FB but I'm still blocked. One of my friends on FB checked his page not long after and said he posted the following message:

She'll know what I mean!!! Slow and low!!!!
I know that was in reference to me because he posted it minutes after I left the dealership and when I asked him not long ago on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being not serious, 5 being somewhat serious ad 10 being serious where our relationship fell on that scale, he said 10. (I was more or less expecting an 8, maybe 8.5.)

My friend Jennifer, who's used to be an alcoholic addict, understands where he's coming from and the need for going slow and for me having patience.

As for not calling me, she's as stumped with it as I am. We think he may be afraid and doesn't want to say something that would hurt me. We're really not sure what's behind it. He could also just feel really overwhelmed too (in terms of finding the time and privacy, as he does have a roommate). It could even be a little bit of both.

He texted me late last night last Thursday and told me he wasn't quite ready for all out sex but wanted a bj so I went and picked him up so I could take care of his need. He then told me we'd hook up Sunday night and he'd take care of my need. He even told me if I had a need to start telling him because he didn't want to deprive me of a sex life yet Sunday came and went and we didn't meet. He says he doesn't use women in that way, as that's not who he is. But I do wonder at times it we jumped into intimacy a little too quickly.

This is all so new to me. I just thought I was getting a married but separated man when I agreed to get involved in this relationship. The fact he's in sober recovery is something I just wasn't expecting. By far, this is one of the hardest and most challenging relationships I've ever been in,

If anyone has insight or advice they'd like to share, please do.
SuburbanGal is offline  
Old 05-29-2019, 03:34 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Maudcat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, SuburbanGal.
Welcome. Lots of support here.
Sometimes staying in recovery takes every last resource we can muster.
His pulling back may be because of the relationship, it may be because he is trying to stay sober and in recovery, it may be something else altogether.
This likely is not what you want to hear, but I recommend giving him the space he is asking for.
Live your life, be open to new things, and let this relationship go.
And no more sex to take care of a need. That just keeps you hooked and complicates things.
Good luck.
Maudcat is offline  
Old 05-29-2019, 03:42 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
to be honest, i don't see his recovery as the real issue here. you sound VERY clingy and needy with someone you met THREE WEEKS AGO. this period should be called DATING not already committed bf/gf. somehow in three weeks you swooped in and "got" him a job - which is way not your job or role. that's trying to FIX someone.

i sense you are young and perhaps don't have much experience with relationships. you should NEVER be "on call" to meet anyone's need. that puts things in a whole 'nother category.........

i think you need to back way off - quit smothering the poor guy, get some air and daylight between you. take it SLOW. he's already done the blocking thing, which is not the actions of someone nearly as interested as you might be.
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 05-29-2019, 04:08 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
SuburbanGal's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2019
Location: SE WI
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
to be honest, i don't see his recovery as the real issue here. you sound VERY clingy and needy with someone you met THREE WEEKS AGO. this period should be called DATING not already committed bf/gf.
He was just as needy and clingy back with me starting out.

Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
somehow in three weeks you swooped in and "got" him a job - which is way not your job or role. that's trying to FIX someone.
I was trying to HELP. I've done this for a childhood girlfriend twice before and didn't see anything wrong with it, especially since his house manager gave him flack after going out to fill out a job application and look for work.

Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
i sense you are young and perhaps don't have much experience with relationships.
I'm 42 and have already had several albeit horrible one where the guys just use me.
SuburbanGal is offline  
Old 05-29-2019, 05:58 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Maudcat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
It’s great that you want to help, SuburbanGal.
It speaks to your generosity of spirit.
But...recovery is an inside job, and it’s hard.
I will say it again.
He is asking for space, though, to be fair, I think he is also throwing some mixed messages at you, just to keep things confusing.
I would give him the room he asks for.
I’m sure he knows that you care.
Do you have a lot of experience with addiction and recovery? I know you mentioned a friend who is in recovery.
If not, there are tons of good articles on this site.
They are called stickies and are at the beginning of each forum.
There are also many wise people here who have experienced the same things you are going through now.
They should be coming along to post soon.
Peace.
Maudcat is offline  
Old 05-29-2019, 07:53 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
SuburbanGal's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2019
Location: SE WI
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by Maudcat View Post
He is asking for space, though, to be fair, I think he is also throwing some mixed messages at you, just to keep things confusing.
I would give him the room he asks for.
Sometimes I wonder if he doesn't even know what he wants.

Originally Posted by Maudcat View Post
I’m sure he knows that you care.
I really, really hope so.

I've only been seriously in love with 1 other person in my life and given my horrible experiences in the past, it's been difficult for me in the past few years to date and let guys get close to me. I'm worried about getting hurt again.

Originally Posted by Maudcat View Post
Do you have a lot of experience with addiction and recovery? I know you mentioned a friend who is in recovery.
Unfortunately, no. I don't.

Jennifer was a recovering alcoholic a few years ago and was doing and going through what he's currently doing and going through right now so I like the insight she brings to the table.

She just told me once he's in better place there truly will be plenty of time for everything else, including me.

Somehow, I think he feels guilty that he can't attend to my needs between this and work.
SuburbanGal is offline  
Old 05-29-2019, 07:58 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
SuburbanGal's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2019
Location: SE WI
Posts: 28
I've been told I should probably show more interest in his sobriety.

After talking with Jennifer about it, she said it would be acceptable for me to get him a gift and card to help celebrate the fact he's been nearly 1 month sober. I told her I could get him a tie and maybe even a gift card to his favorite place (Subway) and she really liked my choices of gifts. So, I got a Chaps tie at Gordmans for $7.99 and a $10 gift card to Subway.
SuburbanGal is offline  
Old 05-29-2019, 08:20 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
SuburbanGal's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2019
Location: SE WI
Posts: 28
It's interesting how forward he was with me that Monday morning at court 3½ weeks ago by telling me his name, giving me his # and asking me to contact him later. I've never had a guy be that forward with me. Ever.

He wanted this relationship. I was hesitant. He was the first one to divulge how he felt for me, NOT the other way around. (I was too scared because it's never worked out in the past like I wanted it to.) I went into this knowing this would be difficult. I did this because it was a relief to finally know a guy felt the same way I did and I was ecstatic to finally have found someone who seemed kind, genuine and caring. Someone who'd finally treat me decent for a change.

He's asked an awful lot of me and I've given a lot because I care about him and love him like I do.

Between Jennifer and this forum, I'm trying as best I can so it's not a daily struggle for me. The last thing I want to feel now is punished because of it.
SuburbanGal is offline  
Old 05-29-2019, 09:58 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,565
Hi SG. Maybe ask yourself, is this relationship adding happiness to your life? Do you feel relaxed around him? Do you feel you can speak your mind openly? or

- Are you now walking on eggshells
- Hesitant to contact him
- Feel like you are always on the back foot, even though he says you are at the top of the "scale"

It is incredibly rude (and arrogant) that he posted a message to you on facebook. There is no excuse for that.

He says he will call you and he doesn't. Actions not words. His intentions might be just great, he may well want a relationship and he may well like you but honestly he sounds like someone that just wants someone to jump to his call.

Frankly he sounds kind of creepy. Who calls someone for sex? I mean who calls and says what he said? You are, at least in theory, his girlfriend, not a call girl. That's creepy to me. Now if you are just friends with benefits, no problem there, but if you are supposed to be in a relationship - where is the caring, commitment, respect, trust, communication?

I don't know, I just don't see any of that from what you have posted, am I missing something? Is he even nice to you anymore?

I really hope you have looked at getting the book I mentioned, Codependent no more. Lots of good information about boundaries in there that might really help.
trailmix is online now  
Old 05-29-2019, 10:08 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,565
Originally Posted by SuburbanGal View Post
It's interesting how forward he was with me that Monday morning at court 3½ weeks ago by telling me his name, giving me his # and asking me to contact him later. I've never had a guy be that forward with me. Ever.
Maybe he was high. Not saying that is the only reason he spoke to you (ie: no reflection on you at all).
trailmix is online now  
Old 05-29-2019, 10:40 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
SuburbanGal's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2019
Location: SE WI
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I don't know, I just don't see any of that from what you have posted, am I missing something? Is he even nice to you anymore?
Well, when I saw him at the dealership Thursday morning, he seemed happy to see me. He hugged me, we kissed and he asked if everything was okay. (He's been doing this the last 2 times I've gone to see him.)

When I saw him Thursday morning, I asked him abut unblocking me from FB and he said he'd unblock me from FB but I'm STILL blocked.

I'm debating if I should just walk my gifts and card into the dealership and put my foot down rather than just leaving them in the car hoping he'll call or text me to thank me. I'd like to think that would finally get what I want out of him, but I just don't know right now. I also thought about just waiting in my car in the dealership parking lot for him to come out so that it's all in private versus the dealership. I'm not quite sure what to do here. Any thoughts?

According to my one friend, it does appear he took my advice and swapped out his profile pic and cover photo from his wife to a car.
SuburbanGal is offline  
Old 05-29-2019, 10:41 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
SuburbanGal's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2019
Location: SE WI
Posts: 28
By the way, when I was talking to my friend Jennifer a few hours ago she told me she thought I looked like his wife.
SuburbanGal is offline  
Old 05-29-2019, 11:19 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,565
Originally Posted by SuburbanGal View Post
I also thought about just waiting in my car in the dealership parking lot for him to come out so that it's all in private versus the dealership. I'm not quite sure what to do here. Any thoughts?
Personally, I wouldn't be giving him any gifts or calling him or anything. He really doesn't sound like a nice guy SG?

He blocked you on FB. He blocked you on his phone. Those aren't the actions of a loving, kind, (mature) person, those are the actions of someone who has a volatile personality. He's being so rude to you.

If he was say a young teen, but he's not, he's a grown man.

Sorry if that's harsh and not what you want to hear but I figure there is no use sugar coating it.

You deserve so much better than this.
trailmix is online now  
Old 05-30-2019, 12:34 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
SuburbanGal's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2019
Location: SE WI
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Personally, I wouldn't be giving him any gifts or calling him or anything. He really doesn't sound like a nice guy SG?

He blocked you on FB. He blocked you on his phone. Those aren't the actions of a loving, kind, (mature) person, those are the actions of someone who has a volatile personality. He's being so rude to you.

If he was say a young teen, but he's not, he's a grown man.
We started out great. Up until Monday night, we were texting throughout the day and using a lot of love and heart emoticons. We had a wonderful thing going on and I was happy. He seemed really happy. He treated me so well. Everything was good. So good. I had the care, commitment, respect, trust, and communication. I'm not sure why things are like this now.

Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
You deserve so much better than this.
This is his chance to reach out and redeem himself. I was going to leave a note asking me to call or text after he opened things, but I shouldn't have to so I'm just leaving everything hoping he'll just do it.

Jennifer said he should contact me the same day to thank me. Technically, it shouldn't take more than 2 or 3 days even. I really shouldn't have to wait for a thank you and if he can't call or text me promptly to say thank you, then I'm prepared to walk. Jennifer told me to leave a note in his car at the dealership saying it's over and another friend said to just walk and say nothing. Either way, I'll be ending it if he can't reach out to thank me. I used to be worried about hurting him and that he'd fall off the wagon again, but Jennifer said I shouldn't be worried about that if I choose to end things. I need to resign myself if he can't start communicating with me again to thank me, then he's never going to ever again.

He kept saying he'd pay me back for the cigarettes, energy drinks, and food when he got paid tomorrow and Jennifer thinks he at least owes me that should I end things with him and another friend says to forget it. Personally, I think I'd be more inclined to just forget it.
SuburbanGal is offline  
Old 05-30-2019, 12:52 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
SuburbanGal's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2019
Location: SE WI
Posts: 28
If I do break it off, I'm half incline to have to go into the dealership to do it and smack him. Or at least catch him going to or from his car or in his car so that I still smack him but in private. My one friend thinks I should haul off and smack him if I do end up dumping him.
SuburbanGal is offline  
Old 05-30-2019, 04:26 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by SuburbanGal View Post
If I do break it off, I'm half incline to have to go into the dealership to do it and smack him. Or at least catch him going to or from his car or in his car so that I still smack him but in private. My one friend thinks I should haul off and smack him if I do end up dumping him.
SG, there's never any excuse for using physical violence on anyone. What does it prove except that you can't express yourself without resorting to violence?
There are all sorts of people in this world - some text all the time, some like their space. Its nobody's fault if you're not compatible.
Walk away - think of what a real relationship means to you.
FeelingGreat is offline  
Old 05-30-2019, 04:45 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
tomsteve's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by SuburbanGal View Post
If I do break it off, I'm half incline to have to go into the dealership to do it and smack him. Or at least catch him going to or from his car or in his car so that I still smack him but in private. My one friend thinks I should haul off and smack him if I do end up dumping him.
phew! take it how ya want,but what i read is a lot emotionally immaturity. this thread reads like high school drama crap.
emotionally mature people dont go overboard after knowing someone for 3 weeks nor do they go and smack people in retaliation.

what you should do is look at WHY your obsessed like this after 3 weeks. im reading a LOT of insecurities.
tomsteve is offline  
Old 05-30-2019, 05:17 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Troubledone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
My heart goes out to you - and - what I am going to say may sound harsh, but if you want to break the pattern you describe above, it will take some introspection.

I have seen this same pattern with so many people - it goes something like...

1, A person "needs" a relationship.
2. They meet someone and before they can observe enough of their behavior to know what they are dealing with, they jump into the "relationship" 100% . I put that in quotes because you can't really have a relationship with someone you don't really know yet, but hurting or needy people will manufacture in their mind who they think the other person is (fantasy) and then act accordingly.
3. Both people start being who they really are - and if they are the type to jump into a relationship, engage in so much drama in the first 3 weeks, etc., it usually gets weird - drama, manipulation, clinging (both) and then backing off/blocking. It is all very exciting and gives people a sense of drama, but it is not sustainable.
4. This goes on until either one of the people meets someone else (cheating is often part of this drama) or gets tired of the game.
5. People are hurt, they "need" a relationship and it repeats.

There is only one way to avoid this. Get to know the person before you jump in bed with them, over invest your time or money or start living your life around them. And - this pattern is almost always "learned" by dysfunction in family of origin - so maybe consider therapy.

There is a saying - The one constant in all your failed relationships is you. Not to be harsh, but if this is a pattern, then only you can break it.

When you posted that you met him to "meet his need" I felt very sad for you - how sad that in three weeks you think you owe him that!

My prayer for you is that you get help for yourself. Until you develop some self-esteem and strength, you will always attract "little boy takers" and manipulative men.

When you get into a relationship that is manipulative, it is helpful to ask yourself - what am I manipulating to get? Maybe that "meeting his need" is really to meet your need for relationship, affection, approval, etc... but it's not a very satisfying way when the real need is something inside you that cannot be satisfied in that way.

Real men want to date real women who respect themselves. Everything else is a game.

If I sound a little harsh, it is because I have seen my nieces fall into this same pattern - and they add to the trouble by getting pregnant and then the trouble doubles, their children live in dysfunction and the pattern continues.

You are over 40 - time to think about if you want this to continue for your whole life.

Prayers you find the clarity to create a better life for yourself.
Troubledone is offline  
Old 05-30-2019, 06:14 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
If I do break it off, I'm half incline to have to go into the dealership to do it and smack him. Or at least catch him going to or from his car or in his car so that I still smack him but in private. My one friend thinks I should haul off and smack him if I do end up dumping him.

whoa. physical violence is NEVER ok. and making a scene at someone's place of employment is just plain unacceptable. not sure who these friends are, but they are not helpful or healthy advisors. ya'll do sound like a bunch of teenagers. again, i don't see the male in this scenario as being The Problem.
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 05-31-2019, 11:46 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
SuburbanGal's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2019
Location: SE WI
Posts: 28
Well, he recently broke up with me. I asked hi if he had been contemplating a break up and he said yes for the sake of his sobriety. He says he couldn't do this relationship with me and still stay sober. He thought I didn't care about his sobriety and the face he had to focus on himself, which I thought was selfish thing to say after I gave him a card and gifts yesterday and made it all about his sobriety.

He thinks given everything on my end, I'm going to cause him to relapse.

He claims he couldn't take much more of me leaving him notes in his car and stopping by the house and dealership to see him like I did. (Says he felt threatened, overwhelmed. Claims it amounts to stalking and it's not normal. Told me to get some help.) But I only resorted to doing what I did because he kept saying he'd call me and never did. I got tired of it. If he had only made more of an effort and followed through on his promises, I never would've had to do what I did. I thought we were clear from the start of the relationship to always be open, honest and communicative in terms of needs and wants. I'm not quite sure what happened here. He was the one that really wanted the relationship and pushed for it. Not me. I was the hesitant one.

I don't know why he wanted this relationship to begin with if he knew he was going into recovery and needed to be focusing on himself. He asked a lot of me. I also gave a lot and got nothing in return. I went from being happy to being treated rudely and disrespectfully here.

It was obvious in the beginning the relationship helped him see he needed to get sober. It seemed good for him. I guess he just couldn't handle it.

He told me prior to the break up he's not the kind of guy to use a woman, but looking back all signs point to that and so many others even see it as such.

He wanted to drop money off at the realty office I work at. I told him no. I don't want a penny from him. I did tell him though if he wants t return my gifts I'll take them so I can eventually give them to another man that deserves them. If he drops them off, great and if he leaves me money in the process I'll take it.

Jennifer and I have been talking. She thinks being intimate like that and giving him a ******* was way too soon. She also thinks that because I look a lot like his wife, he's probably trying to substitute me for her especially because he posted on FB the day after I gave him that ******* that he missed his wife.

Anyhow, it's probably for the best. My friends are telling me I deserve better and that I had been contemplating breaking it off myself in the days if not week leading up to this.
SuburbanGal is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:06 PM.