Please help me to understand
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 4
Please help me to understand
So I have been with my on off bf for 6 years. He managed to get clean for a year which was 2 years ago but relapsed over a year ago. I still keep the lines of communication open so he at least feel he has a place which is safe and welcome. He has left his family home by his own choice so he can live with his dealer and everyday is smoking meth. I call him to check in to see if he is ok and alive basically but every time we talk it ends up in a fight with him screaming at me saying I’m negative and basically he doesn’t want to see me becuse I don’t use meth. He told me he only wants to be around other meth users and I don’t fit into his lifestyle. It broke me because I do love him and I want him to get better. Although I completely understand I can not fight this sickness for him I still don’t understand why he doesn’t want to see or talk to me becuse I’m clean. I feel punished for not taking drugs. I care for this man so much and he has a daughter who he no longer is able to see due to his using. Iv tried to get him to see what he is doing to himself, his family and his child. Iv been around him for a long time and this is probably the worst iv seen him. It’s like there is no soul left. No care just nothing. He admitted to me he only sleeps with meth users and every minute the day is dedicated to finding selling and smoking meth. He only calls if he needs money for food and I do give it to him because I don’t want him to suffer. But then when I bring up the fact he only calls when he needs something he goes off at me and the fights start al over again. I just don’t know what to do? I feel like I have failed him
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
You didn't Cause it can't Control it and can't Cure it.
The truth is we do not control anyone except ourselves. He wants to use meth and be around meth users, he's pretty clear on that. You are not a meth user and therefore he doesn't want to be around you.
At least he is being honest with you. Some addicts are not that forthcoming.
Trying to change him is not really helping him but more importantly it is not helping you? You feel like you have failed him somehow? You didn't make him an addict and you can't cure his addiction so I'm not sure how you think you have failed?
The absolute best thing you can do for yourself now is focus back on yourself, not on the addict. Also, giving him money is just enabling his addiction. Try offering to give him actual food instead of money and see how that goes.
I'm sorry for what brings you to Sober Recovery but I hope you find he support you need here. I hope you will read around the forum, lots of information that is helpful.
The truth is we do not control anyone except ourselves. He wants to use meth and be around meth users, he's pretty clear on that. You are not a meth user and therefore he doesn't want to be around you.
At least he is being honest with you. Some addicts are not that forthcoming.
Trying to change him is not really helping him but more importantly it is not helping you? You feel like you have failed him somehow? You didn't make him an addict and you can't cure his addiction so I'm not sure how you think you have failed?
The absolute best thing you can do for yourself now is focus back on yourself, not on the addict. Also, giving him money is just enabling his addiction. Try offering to give him actual food instead of money and see how that goes.
I'm sorry for what brings you to Sober Recovery but I hope you find he support you need here. I hope you will read around the forum, lots of information that is helpful.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he's a confirmed meth head who has clearly stated that is his choice.
right or wrong, good or bad, that is where he is now.
last person you need in your life is an active meth user. they are dangerous and unstable. i'd be more concerned about his access to your home, your belongings, your car, your bank accounts, then i would whether he has enough to eat. note - meth addicts don't eat, much. certainly not when high. unless you buy him a sandwich and actually watch him chew and swallow, assume any $$ you give him is going to dope.
he's admitted to having sex with other addicts. that is a recipe for all kinds of health disasters. he's doing whatever he "has" to keep the supply going. stop being a resource. this is wayyyyy beyond you.
right or wrong, good or bad, that is where he is now.
last person you need in your life is an active meth user. they are dangerous and unstable. i'd be more concerned about his access to your home, your belongings, your car, your bank accounts, then i would whether he has enough to eat. note - meth addicts don't eat, much. certainly not when high. unless you buy him a sandwich and actually watch him chew and swallow, assume any $$ you give him is going to dope.
he's admitted to having sex with other addicts. that is a recipe for all kinds of health disasters. he's doing whatever he "has" to keep the supply going. stop being a resource. this is wayyyyy beyond you.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 178
Ditto what Anvilhead said!
you give him money so he won't suffer... I'm assuming you believe he's spending that on food. He's not. He does not care about eating, and if he did he could go to a soup kitchen. Every penny he gets his hands on is for drugs.
I'm sorry to be harsh, but it's the truth.
I know you're hurting, but you cannot heal him. He can only heal himself. I think the best you can do is call the police and tell them where he is and that they're dealing drugs from the house. The best thing to happen to him would be to get arrested.
you give him money so he won't suffer... I'm assuming you believe he's spending that on food. He's not. He does not care about eating, and if he did he could go to a soup kitchen. Every penny he gets his hands on is for drugs.
I'm sorry to be harsh, but it's the truth.
I know you're hurting, but you cannot heal him. He can only heal himself. I think the best you can do is call the police and tell them where he is and that they're dealing drugs from the house. The best thing to happen to him would be to get arrested.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Donis.
He is being honest with you, and it doesn’t appear to me that it is incumbent upon you to provide him with a safe place and money for food, which may or may not going to food.
To my eyes, he is using you.
I agree with Anvill and GreenChair.
Meth is a particularly dangerous drug. I would make sure he can’t get access to your accounts and cards.
Which, btw, he can if you are allowing him access to your place.
He is being honest with you, and it doesn’t appear to me that it is incumbent upon you to provide him with a safe place and money for food, which may or may not going to food.
To my eyes, he is using you.
I agree with Anvill and GreenChair.
Meth is a particularly dangerous drug. I would make sure he can’t get access to your accounts and cards.
Which, btw, he can if you are allowing him access to your place.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 4
I completely understand what everyone is saying and I Thankyou for the response. I know he spends all his money on dope and when he calls for money it’s legitimately for food that’s the truth, the reasons why he has no money is the lie. When I say a “safe place” I ment emotionally not a place to stay becuse he won’t come here. I just want to keep the lines of communication open so If he decides he wants help I can try help. He has told me so many times over the years I am his comfort and will always value me in that respect. But it’s very hard as you all know just to shut the door completely.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Have you seen the movie "A beautiful boy"?
If not, consider seeing it. It tells the truth.
One of the things I discovered about myself when I observed myself being overly concerned about my addict whether she was using or not - is that I was ducking my own life.
My therapist asked me to keep track of how much time, energy, thought and emotion I was spending on this. It was appalling. I could have worked a part time job and at least had money to show for it.
When I stopped, I realized I had time on my hands and noticed that there were things I had neglected in my own life - dreams, duties, people, my house etc.
What if you stopped? Would he be worse off? I guess it depends on what that means - if "worse off" means he doesn't have someone to rescue him from the consequences of his choices, then I suppose he'd be worse off. If "worse off" means he would have to face his choices and either change or accept them, then he is not worse off.
What about you? Are you worse off by padding the corners for him? What do you get from that? Is there a healthier way for you to direct your energies?
There are a lot of volunteer opportunities where your compassion and energy would actually do some good.
My therapist wrote on my treatment plan - "cognitive restructuring". I was initially insulted by that but then realized - yes, I need to restructure my thinking so that I'm not wasting my precious life force energy on a losing battle? What assumptions are you making about your life purpose and what you can and cannot do that keep you stuck? It's worth some thought - it has freed me.
Prayers you find clarity.
If not, consider seeing it. It tells the truth.
One of the things I discovered about myself when I observed myself being overly concerned about my addict whether she was using or not - is that I was ducking my own life.
My therapist asked me to keep track of how much time, energy, thought and emotion I was spending on this. It was appalling. I could have worked a part time job and at least had money to show for it.
When I stopped, I realized I had time on my hands and noticed that there were things I had neglected in my own life - dreams, duties, people, my house etc.
What if you stopped? Would he be worse off? I guess it depends on what that means - if "worse off" means he doesn't have someone to rescue him from the consequences of his choices, then I suppose he'd be worse off. If "worse off" means he would have to face his choices and either change or accept them, then he is not worse off.
What about you? Are you worse off by padding the corners for him? What do you get from that? Is there a healthier way for you to direct your energies?
There are a lot of volunteer opportunities where your compassion and energy would actually do some good.
My therapist wrote on my treatment plan - "cognitive restructuring". I was initially insulted by that but then realized - yes, I need to restructure my thinking so that I'm not wasting my precious life force energy on a losing battle? What assumptions are you making about your life purpose and what you can and cannot do that keep you stuck? It's worth some thought - it has freed me.
Prayers you find clarity.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I know he spends all his money on dope and when he calls for money it’s legitimately for food that’s the truth, the reasons why he has no money is the lie.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Donisi44 
I know he spends all his money on dope and when he calls for money it’s legitimately for food that’s the truth, the reasons why he has no money is the lie.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Donisi44
[left]. He has told me so many times over the years I am his comfort and will always value me in that respect.
blowin his money on drugs then call you for....ehem...food money- is that respectful?
you are his comfort- is that because you rationalize the addiction? dont set boundaries and let him use you? what would happen if you set boundaries and didnt give him money for food? what if you bought the food or didnt even do that and allowed him to find his own food?
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