Confused, hurt, newcomer

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Old 05-20-2019, 02:10 PM
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Confused, hurt, newcomer

Hi I’m new here. I’m at a loss of where to turn and go from here. My boyfriend of 3 years has relapsed. He had been sober before we met for a few years. Truthfully I have zero experience with addiction and didn’t really do any research on it until now. All leading up to this timepoint, he seemed to have a handle on his recovery, we’d had conversations about what would happen if things got bad or he was struggling. To me there were no warning signs, but maybe I was just naive. He tells me he started using again about 3 months ago. Last night was when it all came to a head - he fell asleep while driving, wrecked his car, and got arrested. I’m truly at a loss. I thought we were going to be together forever, get married, have a life together. We had some recent struggles, unrelated to this - he wanted to go back to school and was in the process of applying and we were sorting through these growing pains. He had even taken the action of setting up and appointment with a doctor who specialized in addiction because he was feeling some anxiety over this whole process (now thinking...“here’s your sign”). I care about him so much and he truly seems so wrecked by his actions and what he is now putting me through. This is all so fresh and I’m so confused and having a hard time comprehending and understanding the situation. How do I know where to go next? The thought of him or I ever being with someone else is painful, I want what’s best for myself and him. I know time is key in having clarity, but I’m just so torn up. How do i get through this? Where do I go from here?
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Old 05-20-2019, 02:25 PM
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Glad you are here at SR. You will find alot of support and wisdom here. You can start by educating yourself about addiction. Keep reading posts and keep posting.
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Old 05-20-2019, 10:51 PM
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Hi Ek09 and welcome.

What is happening right now. I assume your boyfriend was released? Do you live together, is he currently sober or still using?

The first thing to do is gain knowledge about addiction. That's really important so you know where you stand.

There is a forum her for Friends and Family of Alcoholics (I don't know what your boyfriend is using but addiction is addiction as I'm sure you know), it's a really good place to start, reading the threads there. Also at the top of the forum is the stickies section, lots of good information there, I would recommends starting here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

The Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum is here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

Also some very good articles here on addiction:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Anyway, hang in there, this is a lot of information to take in i'm sure but as you will see there are many here that have a lot of experience and wisdom to share.
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Old 05-26-2019, 06:55 PM
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ek09

The posts above give good advice - learn about addiction. And then, learn about codependency.

Not everyone who is in relationship with an addict is codependent or becomes so, but the hard part is that ( at least for me) little by little my "helping" become codependency and nearly wrecked me.

The question above about if you are living with your boyfriend is important because it is a lot harder to stay in the right relationship with someone struggling with addiction if you live together. There are a lot of behaviors that one might think of as loving and good , that for someone dealing with an active addict really are not helpful.

And - if you can attend some local 12 step meetings (NarAnon, Al Anon, CoDA, etc.), that might give you another place to find support.

Sadly, addiction is a disease that isn't cured, it's managed. And if your boyfriend re-enters active recovery, he may never relapse, or it could happen again. So, it is important that if you plan to be with him for the rest of your life, know what you are getting into and the strategies for dealing with whatever may come.

Wishing you all the best whatever you decide.
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