Family Doesn’t Approve of my Boyfriend Whom is a Recovering Addict
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Join Date: May 2019
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Family Doesn’t Approve of my Boyfriend Whom is a Recovering Addict
Hello all! I am new to SR, I found it while doing research on addiction because I am currently dating a recovering addict. I met my boyfriend through friends about 4 months ago. I am 22 and still live at home with my mom and younger brother. He is 29 and lives with his sister and her husband and son. We were friends at first and he has always been open and truthful about his addiction. He got clean around the time we started hanging out, so is about 4 months clean. He is the happiest he’s been in years, going back to school, and is looking for work. I can see the effort he is making for himself and his family in his recovery. My family knew I was spending time with him and knew of his addiction. They were cautious but allowed me to make my own decisions about spending time with him. Then things changed when we began dating almost 3 months ago. There is a mutual understanding that we both want to be together long-term. But, our relationship has caused a lot of tension and hostility in my home with my family. My brother doesn’t understand why I would allow someone who has so many struggles to be part of my life. My mom feels the same way. She is struggling with the new relationship it has created between her and I. We used to be very close, but because she doesn’t approve of my relationship, we have grown apart. She and my brother are struggling between being my overprotective family and being a source of support for my decisions. They are trying to let me go yet still stay connected as a family but are struggling with the choices I am making by being with this man and wanting to be there for me. My mom feels forced to have this person (my boyfriend) in her life. She doesn’t want a recovering addict in her life, but because I am dating one, I am forcing her to do so thus making her extremely unhappy and uncomfortable. I understand their concern and their fears. But they haven’t met him yet (we have talked about it and plan to next weekend) so they don’t know him at all. They are judging him based on things that are admittedly still part of him but untimely part of his past. I know that time will help our circumstances, but I’m hoping some of you have gone through something similar and are able to help me navigate through this time. The last thing I want to do is make my family uncomfortable with whom I choose to spend my life with. But I also feel that I shouldn’t have to choose between my family and my relationship with this man whom I love and care for very much. He wants to respect them as well, but wants so badly to show them the man he is working towards. He is willing to do whatever it takes to stay in my life, but my family doesn’t see or understand the man I know. I just want to find a happy medium, I want all of us to be happy. Any help or advice or words of encouragement would be appreciated.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Family always worries. They see a potential for you to be hurt and, of course, are concerned. This might be true if, instead of addiction, the person you were dating had a chronic disease, children from a previous relationship, or any other circumstance that family worries about.
And, you are 22 and he is 29. In your family's place, I'd be concerned that he is just now getting sober at mid life while you are quite young. There is a bit of a red flag there.
One of the hardest things is that any time a person chooses to be with someone, family has a right to set boundaries that feel right to them. If your boyfriend is sincere and continues to work on his recovery, in time your family may come to trust him.
The reality is that you'll have to deal with your family's concerns over time and he will have to prove worthy of their trust. Addiction breaks trust and rebuilding trust takes a lot more effort than earning it from the start. And, one relapse will send him back to square one.
Maybe instead of wanting everyone to accept him now and be happy, ask people what it would take for them to trust him. Often people will give you a straight answer to a straight question.
Good Luck - I hope he stays in recovery.
And, you are 22 and he is 29. In your family's place, I'd be concerned that he is just now getting sober at mid life while you are quite young. There is a bit of a red flag there.
One of the hardest things is that any time a person chooses to be with someone, family has a right to set boundaries that feel right to them. If your boyfriend is sincere and continues to work on his recovery, in time your family may come to trust him.
The reality is that you'll have to deal with your family's concerns over time and he will have to prove worthy of their trust. Addiction breaks trust and rebuilding trust takes a lot more effort than earning it from the start. And, one relapse will send him back to square one.
Maybe instead of wanting everyone to accept him now and be happy, ask people what it would take for them to trust him. Often people will give you a straight answer to a straight question.
Good Luck - I hope he stays in recovery.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Hi aachambs and welcome to SR.
Ultimately you do not actually need to choose between them (at least not right now). For instance if your Mother and Brother state, we don't want you to live here anymore if you are going to continue to date him (just an example) then that is THEIR choice, nothing to do with you. Short of that they aren't actually forcing you to do anything.
They may not like the idea of him, they may not like your choice, but they have not asked for you to get out of their lives.
You have obviously discussed him with them so you have included them and they are giving you their opinions. You are an adult and can take what you like and leave the rest. Have you ever sat down with them and asked them what their actual concerns are, specifically? General stuff like - You can't trust an addict! is not specific, you get the idea. Perhaps you can talk to them.
It's a good idea for them to meet him first and the sooner the better. What is the hold up, does it need to be a formal occasion? What's wrong with tomorrow!
I hope you will stick around and learn all you can about addiction. Knowledge is power as they say around here. He may have been clean for a few weeks but that is a drop in the bucket when it comes to recovery.
There are some great threads you might want to look at here (from the friends and family of alcoholics forum but addiction is addiction):
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Also you might find the forum interesting as well:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Ultimately you do not actually need to choose between them (at least not right now). For instance if your Mother and Brother state, we don't want you to live here anymore if you are going to continue to date him (just an example) then that is THEIR choice, nothing to do with you. Short of that they aren't actually forcing you to do anything.
They may not like the idea of him, they may not like your choice, but they have not asked for you to get out of their lives.
You have obviously discussed him with them so you have included them and they are giving you their opinions. You are an adult and can take what you like and leave the rest. Have you ever sat down with them and asked them what their actual concerns are, specifically? General stuff like - You can't trust an addict! is not specific, you get the idea. Perhaps you can talk to them.
It's a good idea for them to meet him first and the sooner the better. What is the hold up, does it need to be a formal occasion? What's wrong with tomorrow!
I hope you will stick around and learn all you can about addiction. Knowledge is power as they say around here. He may have been clean for a few weeks but that is a drop in the bucket when it comes to recovery.
There are some great threads you might want to look at here (from the friends and family of alcoholics forum but addiction is addiction):
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Also you might find the forum interesting as well:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Welcome to SR.
Lie PP said, families always worry. And truthfully in your case they are not wrong to worry. Ultimately you are an adult and can make your own decisions but addiction and recovery makes thing a lot more compllcated and you need to make sure you really educate yourself very well on the ins and outs of addiction. I was married to a now recovering alcoholic for 12 years and together 16, I am a medical provider and have a few years on you. I knew very little about addiction despite being married to one for many years. You are here at least, I did not find this site until after my ex got sober.
First of all, regardless of any addiction history, you are only 3 months in. You are all in love and want this to last for the rest of your life , most of us were like that with young new love. But it is only 3 months.
What is your boyfriend doing for his recovery? Did he do rehab? Is he doing therapy? Is he going to lots of meetings? If yes, then that is great, it sounds like he is really working his recovery. If he just quit without any sort of help, chances are good he will relapse at some point. People use to self medicate, it is their coping skill to deal with depression, anxiety or much more complicated mental illness. If they quit without anything treatment, they don’t learn new healthy ways of coping with things and sooner or later (but usually sooner) they fall off the wagon.
If he is really working a recovery program there is still the risk of relapse. He can be clean 1,3,5,10 or 30 years and then relapse. That risk is always there. When people get clean they are always advised to not start any new relationships during the first year of recovery. Main reason for that is that they really need to focus on their recovery (which is so much more than just quitting the substance, quitting the substance is only a very small part of it really) that first year. They basically need to be selfish and focus on themselves, go to lots of meetings, work on changing their behaviors and coping skills. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication and starting a new relationship takes away from that time they need to focus on themselves. You are still very young and for the moment still really new to this addiction thing. It is so easy to push that past to the side and only see the positives. But you need to be realistic and take it slow. Wanting to be together longterm after only 3 months is moving very fast. Addicts tend to be manipulative. It took my ex almost 2 months of intense inpatient rehab with lots of individual counseling and meeting before he finally started to see his manipulative ways because it is so ingrained. When you say he is working his recovery what do you mean by that? Do you mean is is wanting to go back to school, looking for a job? Because that has little to do with recovery to be honest. It is great that he is wanting to do those things and I am not dishing that, but working on recovery is going to meetings and doing therapy. He is 29 and living with his sister and her family. He isn’t even independent yet really.
I am not saying that he should not be given a chance or that there is no hope for you guys. But I think you need to slow it down, a lot. 4 month sober is a great start but only a drop in the bucket as far as recovery goes. It sounds like upheld is doing great for now and maybe he will do great long term. But proceed with caution, it is still really early in his recovery and it will be very easy to get sucked into a serious relationship quickly (I have been there). Look at it from you family’s point of view as well. You have blinders on right now. Again, not dishing you, just speaking from experience. They look at it more objectively. Would you want your daughter to get serious with someone who is just barely sober?
People in recovery usually change a lot that first year if they are really working a program. It usually takes them several months just to really start thinking clearly and find their sober brain. It is really hard work. Also cross addiction is a real thing, meaning that it is not uncommon for recovering addicts to find another vice. Could be alcohol, gambling, shopping, sex, eating. It isn’t their drug of choice but it can still become a real problem. Doesn’t mean this will happen to him but it is common. Addiction is complicated. Educate yourself and take it slow. He needs to find his new self, see who he is without the substance, get himself together and independent, living on his own, paying his own bills etc and new relationships can interfere with that progress.
Keep reading peoples experiences here and don’t think “my guy is different” because you just don’t know what he is really like yet (heck he probably doesn’t know) and most of us here have already experienced what it is like being with an addict and/or a recovering addict.
Get educated on addiction and maybe you can share some of the info with your family. Unless you have lived addiction as an addict or as a loved one of an addict it is unlikely that you (as in anyone) know much about it. They just hear addict and it worries them, so don’t be mad at them. Give them time to get used to it and your BF will need time to gain their trust by staying clean and getting himself together and proving that he is serious about this recovery business, whether that is before other after he meets them. Right now he is in early recovery living with his sister and looking for a job. They want the best for you. He is working on improving himself but it takes time to do that and it takes time to gain people’s trust. You guys need to cool your heels a little. If this is meant to be you have the rest of your life ahead of you. No reason to get into a huge family conflict and ruin your relationship with your mom for a guy that truthfully needs to prove that he can stay clean and take care of himself. And if he can stay clean, stay in school and keep a job, over time your family will likely come around.
People that are drawn to addicts are often codependent/caretakers/rescuers. You have no role in his recovery. Nothing you will do or not do will make him either stay clean or relapse. That is completely on him. You have no control over that whatsoever and it is important that you understand that. Most of us thought we could fix the addict or that they would quit for us or when kids came along. We learned the lesson the hard way. You have the advantage that you are here and that you want to learn about addiction/recovery so that is really good. I would also read up about codependency. Not saying that is you for sure but I think a lot of us got serious very quickly with our addict as that tends to be the nature of the beast in a lot of cases. I didn’t know what codependency was until right before I confronted my ex the last time but I certainly have been codependent my whole life without knowing what it was.
But give your family some slack. Take is easy with your boyfriend, if it is meant t be it is meant to be, don’t rush into anything like moving in together. He really should live on his own for a while first to be honest. You are only 22, there is no rush.
Sorry for the novel (I am not good at keeping it short and to the point) but I want you to realize that you need to know what you are potentially getting yourself into by being with a very recent recovering addict. It is all puppies and rainbows now but you have to look past that and be realistic. Recovery is hard and not everyone succeeds the first time. Hopefully your guy is on his way to successful recovery but it is hard to know that after only 4 months.
Lie PP said, families always worry. And truthfully in your case they are not wrong to worry. Ultimately you are an adult and can make your own decisions but addiction and recovery makes thing a lot more compllcated and you need to make sure you really educate yourself very well on the ins and outs of addiction. I was married to a now recovering alcoholic for 12 years and together 16, I am a medical provider and have a few years on you. I knew very little about addiction despite being married to one for many years. You are here at least, I did not find this site until after my ex got sober.
First of all, regardless of any addiction history, you are only 3 months in. You are all in love and want this to last for the rest of your life , most of us were like that with young new love. But it is only 3 months.
What is your boyfriend doing for his recovery? Did he do rehab? Is he doing therapy? Is he going to lots of meetings? If yes, then that is great, it sounds like he is really working his recovery. If he just quit without any sort of help, chances are good he will relapse at some point. People use to self medicate, it is their coping skill to deal with depression, anxiety or much more complicated mental illness. If they quit without anything treatment, they don’t learn new healthy ways of coping with things and sooner or later (but usually sooner) they fall off the wagon.
If he is really working a recovery program there is still the risk of relapse. He can be clean 1,3,5,10 or 30 years and then relapse. That risk is always there. When people get clean they are always advised to not start any new relationships during the first year of recovery. Main reason for that is that they really need to focus on their recovery (which is so much more than just quitting the substance, quitting the substance is only a very small part of it really) that first year. They basically need to be selfish and focus on themselves, go to lots of meetings, work on changing their behaviors and coping skills. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication and starting a new relationship takes away from that time they need to focus on themselves. You are still very young and for the moment still really new to this addiction thing. It is so easy to push that past to the side and only see the positives. But you need to be realistic and take it slow. Wanting to be together longterm after only 3 months is moving very fast. Addicts tend to be manipulative. It took my ex almost 2 months of intense inpatient rehab with lots of individual counseling and meeting before he finally started to see his manipulative ways because it is so ingrained. When you say he is working his recovery what do you mean by that? Do you mean is is wanting to go back to school, looking for a job? Because that has little to do with recovery to be honest. It is great that he is wanting to do those things and I am not dishing that, but working on recovery is going to meetings and doing therapy. He is 29 and living with his sister and her family. He isn’t even independent yet really.
I am not saying that he should not be given a chance or that there is no hope for you guys. But I think you need to slow it down, a lot. 4 month sober is a great start but only a drop in the bucket as far as recovery goes. It sounds like upheld is doing great for now and maybe he will do great long term. But proceed with caution, it is still really early in his recovery and it will be very easy to get sucked into a serious relationship quickly (I have been there). Look at it from you family’s point of view as well. You have blinders on right now. Again, not dishing you, just speaking from experience. They look at it more objectively. Would you want your daughter to get serious with someone who is just barely sober?
People in recovery usually change a lot that first year if they are really working a program. It usually takes them several months just to really start thinking clearly and find their sober brain. It is really hard work. Also cross addiction is a real thing, meaning that it is not uncommon for recovering addicts to find another vice. Could be alcohol, gambling, shopping, sex, eating. It isn’t their drug of choice but it can still become a real problem. Doesn’t mean this will happen to him but it is common. Addiction is complicated. Educate yourself and take it slow. He needs to find his new self, see who he is without the substance, get himself together and independent, living on his own, paying his own bills etc and new relationships can interfere with that progress.
Keep reading peoples experiences here and don’t think “my guy is different” because you just don’t know what he is really like yet (heck he probably doesn’t know) and most of us here have already experienced what it is like being with an addict and/or a recovering addict.
Get educated on addiction and maybe you can share some of the info with your family. Unless you have lived addiction as an addict or as a loved one of an addict it is unlikely that you (as in anyone) know much about it. They just hear addict and it worries them, so don’t be mad at them. Give them time to get used to it and your BF will need time to gain their trust by staying clean and getting himself together and proving that he is serious about this recovery business, whether that is before other after he meets them. Right now he is in early recovery living with his sister and looking for a job. They want the best for you. He is working on improving himself but it takes time to do that and it takes time to gain people’s trust. You guys need to cool your heels a little. If this is meant to be you have the rest of your life ahead of you. No reason to get into a huge family conflict and ruin your relationship with your mom for a guy that truthfully needs to prove that he can stay clean and take care of himself. And if he can stay clean, stay in school and keep a job, over time your family will likely come around.
People that are drawn to addicts are often codependent/caretakers/rescuers. You have no role in his recovery. Nothing you will do or not do will make him either stay clean or relapse. That is completely on him. You have no control over that whatsoever and it is important that you understand that. Most of us thought we could fix the addict or that they would quit for us or when kids came along. We learned the lesson the hard way. You have the advantage that you are here and that you want to learn about addiction/recovery so that is really good. I would also read up about codependency. Not saying that is you for sure but I think a lot of us got serious very quickly with our addict as that tends to be the nature of the beast in a lot of cases. I didn’t know what codependency was until right before I confronted my ex the last time but I certainly have been codependent my whole life without knowing what it was.
But give your family some slack. Take is easy with your boyfriend, if it is meant t be it is meant to be, don’t rush into anything like moving in together. He really should live on his own for a while first to be honest. You are only 22, there is no rush.
Sorry for the novel (I am not good at keeping it short and to the point) but I want you to realize that you need to know what you are potentially getting yourself into by being with a very recent recovering addict. It is all puppies and rainbows now but you have to look past that and be realistic. Recovery is hard and not everyone succeeds the first time. Hopefully your guy is on his way to successful recovery but it is hard to know that after only 4 months.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome to SR.
I feel as though he must have some very rough things in his past for your family to be so disapproving. So maybe rightfully so. They are looking at the big picture. Not to negate his hard work, but he did not become an addict in four months, and he is not recovered in four months. They are looking at you, just becoming an adult, and hurting for you that you are choosing someone who is very likely to bring you a lot of heartache into your young adult life. They are worried, rightfully so.
I have a college age daughter. If she would be talking to me about being with anyone long term, who I have not even met, I would be alarmed. Especially a man of almost 30 years old still living with his mother. My point being, they are looking at a big picture, maybe not just that he is an addict. You are in a young relationship feeling all sorts of endorphins and cannot see past what you see in a new relationship. That's ok. However, your family knows that wears off and you eventually have to look at what life would become like day to day with this man. His stability. His ability to be your provider and protector. Things of that nature that come with long term commitment.
Maybe the answer is to just date him, and give it LOTS of time for him to continue to work on his recovery, and for him to prove himself not only to you and your family, but to himself as well. Recovery is HARD work. While it's new and he is committed now, it wears on you and becomes hard in the day to day. Give him time to see how he handles that a year or two from now.
Keep posting, keep reading. There is lots of great info here on SR, and lots of support too. This may not be what you want to hear, but it's an honest assessment of your situation as I see it.
Hugs to you.
I feel as though he must have some very rough things in his past for your family to be so disapproving. So maybe rightfully so. They are looking at the big picture. Not to negate his hard work, but he did not become an addict in four months, and he is not recovered in four months. They are looking at you, just becoming an adult, and hurting for you that you are choosing someone who is very likely to bring you a lot of heartache into your young adult life. They are worried, rightfully so.
I have a college age daughter. If she would be talking to me about being with anyone long term, who I have not even met, I would be alarmed. Especially a man of almost 30 years old still living with his mother. My point being, they are looking at a big picture, maybe not just that he is an addict. You are in a young relationship feeling all sorts of endorphins and cannot see past what you see in a new relationship. That's ok. However, your family knows that wears off and you eventually have to look at what life would become like day to day with this man. His stability. His ability to be your provider and protector. Things of that nature that come with long term commitment.
Maybe the answer is to just date him, and give it LOTS of time for him to continue to work on his recovery, and for him to prove himself not only to you and your family, but to himself as well. Recovery is HARD work. While it's new and he is committed now, it wears on you and becomes hard in the day to day. Give him time to see how he handles that a year or two from now.
Keep posting, keep reading. There is lots of great info here on SR, and lots of support too. This may not be what you want to hear, but it's an honest assessment of your situation as I see it.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
He wants to respect them as well, but wants so badly to show them the man he is working towards
I think your parents and brother have the best intentions for you and certainly do not want to see you get hurt.
Like many of us here, we see the red flags just like your parents and brother do.
Red Flags………
You have fallen FAST and hard in love with someone you’ve only known for 4 months.
The someone you are so in love with is in very early recovery from drug addiction.
They are judging him based on things that are admittedly still part of him but untimely part of his past.
And I’m sure your parents and brother along with many of us here want the answers to some questions such as……..
What kind of recovery program is he working? How long in his 29 years was he in active addiction? How many attempts at getting clean has he had?
You have to remember that your parents are not going to fall madly in love with him like you did, they are going to use extreme caution and proceed slowly, something I’m sure they wish you would do as well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I have a son and a daughter in their early and mid 20s. As their mother I am never not going to have concerns. My mum in her 70s still worries and frets about my decisions and I'm in my late 40s... I don't think that's something most parents can just shut off. If you add in the complications of addiction and early recovery, then yes indeed alarm bells are going to ring if my kid tells me she is choosing to get mixed into that chaos. Especially knowing what I know about being in a relationship that was full of alcoholism and codependence. If your mother has had to deal with addiction , in any form, in her lifetime, her concern is coming from a very real, very poignant place.
That being said, you are an adult and are allowed to make your own choices. I echo what the others have said about you educating yourself about addiction., recovery and relapse.
I'm sorry, I don't have advice about how to help you make sure all these people around you are happy. Honestly that isn't your job. The only person you have any real control over is yourself.
When my daughter was your age I suggested she read a book called "Codependent No More". That book had changed my life, and after she read it, it changed her's too. You don't have to be a "codependent" to learn a lot about boundaries and about not trying to control other people's feelings or behaviors. It's an easy read if you'd like to have a look at it. I wish I had read it when I was your age instead of when I was 40. My life would have been a whole lot healthier and happier if I had.
Take good care.
That being said, you are an adult and are allowed to make your own choices. I echo what the others have said about you educating yourself about addiction., recovery and relapse.
I'm sorry, I don't have advice about how to help you make sure all these people around you are happy. Honestly that isn't your job. The only person you have any real control over is yourself.
When my daughter was your age I suggested she read a book called "Codependent No More". That book had changed my life, and after she read it, it changed her's too. You don't have to be a "codependent" to learn a lot about boundaries and about not trying to control other people's feelings or behaviors. It's an easy read if you'd like to have a look at it. I wish I had read it when I was your age instead of when I was 40. My life would have been a whole lot healthier and happier if I had.
Take good care.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 182
I'm going to look at this as a father of four daughters, as a parent looking at this your not looking at him with the rose colored glasses of a new relationship. Possibly the concerns stand out for what thay are. If he is going into recovery it's not in his best interest to get into a relationship for the first year and not yours to get involved with him until he has been kleen for a year. If he is just not using that's not recovery that's just not using for now. The addicted have many thing to repair and heal within themselves before they have something to give, it can't be swept under the carpet or it will be back. It will be back with a vengeance making life hell.
Your family has concerns and write fully so, I don't know you and I have concerns.
Please take care
Action
Your family has concerns and write fully so, I don't know you and I have concerns.
Please take care
Action
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 20
My son is a 28 year old addict, sounds like your guy but he is currently living with his next victim. He has brief periods of recovery. He is charming and the girls love him. In the past six years I have witnessed him educate several (I tried to warn them but I didn't understand )on the perils of loving and addict. They all share their new love on Face book and they have found the love of their life and he is terrific and they are so in love, he moves in with them and they are going to help him move forward. Then he relapses!!! Breaks their heart, giving them an education no one should receive.
You are young, this is not his first rodeo. Be careful, Mom and Brother are looking out for you and may not be seeing him through the rose colored glasses you may be looking through. Back off a bit. Let him get that job he is looking for. Let him get his own place. Let him build a credit score over 600. Let him be sober at least a year living like a grown man then think about serious dating.
Addiction Disclaimer - Past performance may well be a very good indicator of future performance.
You are young, this is not his first rodeo. Be careful, Mom and Brother are looking out for you and may not be seeing him through the rose colored glasses you may be looking through. Back off a bit. Let him get that job he is looking for. Let him get his own place. Let him build a credit score over 600. Let him be sober at least a year living like a grown man then think about serious dating.
Addiction Disclaimer - Past performance may well be a very good indicator of future performance.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
There's a phrase around often makes the round here which I love:
Time takes time.
Your BF is not going to prove his trustworthiness in four months. I would argue that it's going to take much longer than that. This is something that can't be rushed or forced - it's going to have to happen on its own accord.
My sister went out with a drug addict in his forties - he was still living with his parents. And he was constantly trying to prove himself all the time. It was really quite heartbreaking to watch. However, the help he wanted to give was help that my parents didn't want, and it just left so much resentment we're still reeling from it years later. He wanted my dad to give him a job so he could prove himself, when in reality what he really needed to do was look for his own job. He and my sister went into my dad's office and reorganized everything - my dad felt so violated because they entered in without his permission. This was all going on while my mom was very ill - and all it did was emotionally tap people dry.
It would have been so much better if he had just acknowledged to himself that he was going to have to do a lot of catch up, and he wasn't going to get into my family's good graces right away. Lack of trust is a NATURAL consequence of addiction - to ask for something different is like asking water to run uphill. It would have been a sign that he was actually sobering up if he didn't try to ram his attempts at redemption down our throats. If he had said, "I understand that you don't trust me, and I understand that my own actions led you to this place. I'm not going to ask anything of you, including your patience. I realize that long-term recovery will be the only way to earn your acceptance, and even then that acceptance is a gift, not an obligation."
Your family is not obligated to like your boyfriend, but you're also not obligated to follow your family's wishes. However, if you choose to not follow them, you will also have to accept the consequences of your decision.
I once broke up with a man that my mom absolutely adored, and she was so angry at me I would blush to tell you the things she said to me. But the better life I ended up with was worth her disapproval. However, for that year, I had to bear the brunt.
The happy medium that you want right now is going to have to wait. Maybe the relationship will end up being worth it. Maybe it won't. Only time will tell.
Time takes time.
Your BF is not going to prove his trustworthiness in four months. I would argue that it's going to take much longer than that. This is something that can't be rushed or forced - it's going to have to happen on its own accord.
My sister went out with a drug addict in his forties - he was still living with his parents. And he was constantly trying to prove himself all the time. It was really quite heartbreaking to watch. However, the help he wanted to give was help that my parents didn't want, and it just left so much resentment we're still reeling from it years later. He wanted my dad to give him a job so he could prove himself, when in reality what he really needed to do was look for his own job. He and my sister went into my dad's office and reorganized everything - my dad felt so violated because they entered in without his permission. This was all going on while my mom was very ill - and all it did was emotionally tap people dry.
It would have been so much better if he had just acknowledged to himself that he was going to have to do a lot of catch up, and he wasn't going to get into my family's good graces right away. Lack of trust is a NATURAL consequence of addiction - to ask for something different is like asking water to run uphill. It would have been a sign that he was actually sobering up if he didn't try to ram his attempts at redemption down our throats. If he had said, "I understand that you don't trust me, and I understand that my own actions led you to this place. I'm not going to ask anything of you, including your patience. I realize that long-term recovery will be the only way to earn your acceptance, and even then that acceptance is a gift, not an obligation."
Your family is not obligated to like your boyfriend, but you're also not obligated to follow your family's wishes. However, if you choose to not follow them, you will also have to accept the consequences of your decision.
I once broke up with a man that my mom absolutely adored, and she was so angry at me I would blush to tell you the things she said to me. But the better life I ended up with was worth her disapproval. However, for that year, I had to bear the brunt.
The happy medium that you want right now is going to have to wait. Maybe the relationship will end up being worth it. Maybe it won't. Only time will tell.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
At one time I was very naïve concerning addiction. I couldn't spot giant red flags waiving directly in front of me. I overlooked them all.
After a while, I did finally wake up. I did educate myself concerning addiction. But it was too late. I was already lost far down that rabbit hole. I had to literally crawl my way out. It wasn't pretty. To a lesser extent today, it still isn't pretty.
I read a lot of red flags in your story. I hope you educate yourself concerning addiction. I hope your situation turns out much better than mine.
After a while, I did finally wake up. I did educate myself concerning addiction. But it was too late. I was already lost far down that rabbit hole. I had to literally crawl my way out. It wasn't pretty. To a lesser extent today, it still isn't pretty.
I read a lot of red flags in your story. I hope you educate yourself concerning addiction. I hope your situation turns out much better than mine.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 78
Speaking as a parent I didn't like my daughter's boyfriend (now husband) and he doesn't drink, doesn't smoke. University educated, good job and had his own house!! I just didn't like him, although I'm starting to warm up to him a bit.
Morale of the story, parents will always be concerned and a bit judgemental when it comes to their children's partners but that being said they also have to realize that you are an adult and while they are entitled to set boundaries for themselves they do not have the right to set them for you (very distinct differences )
What they need to realize is "not my monkey, not my circus".
Morale of the story, parents will always be concerned and a bit judgemental when it comes to their children's partners but that being said they also have to realize that you are an adult and while they are entitled to set boundaries for themselves they do not have the right to set them for you (very distinct differences )
What they need to realize is "not my monkey, not my circus".
Last edited by Jiggs; 05-10-2019 at 05:20 PM. Reason: Spelling error
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
As the others have said, parents are often worried about their children's choices of partners. Nothing they say is going to dissuade you from seeing him because you're in love and you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him.
Four months is still very early in recovery, and the chance of relapse can be high. I suggest you tell your parents you're not rushing into anything, you're just seeing him at this stage and are not naive. Then really follow your own advice and take it slow, give him time to work on himself without an intense relationship to distract him.
You don't say much about his history. Some people have a relatively short period of addiction before their inner self-esteem asserts itself and they are able to become sober. This was my story with alcohol; thankfully I was able to decide that I didn't want to go down that path any further and it's been 7 years now.
Others may spend their lives going in and out of addiction creating hell for the family. They may spend long periods sober, then something clicks and they're back to the addiction. You don't know what your BF is capable of yet.
Maybe when he meets your family things will ease off a bit for you. You don't have to defend him to them, but if you want peace tell them you're being slow and careful.
Four months is still very early in recovery, and the chance of relapse can be high. I suggest you tell your parents you're not rushing into anything, you're just seeing him at this stage and are not naive. Then really follow your own advice and take it slow, give him time to work on himself without an intense relationship to distract him.
You don't say much about his history. Some people have a relatively short period of addiction before their inner self-esteem asserts itself and they are able to become sober. This was my story with alcohol; thankfully I was able to decide that I didn't want to go down that path any further and it's been 7 years now.
Others may spend their lives going in and out of addiction creating hell for the family. They may spend long periods sober, then something clicks and they're back to the addiction. You don't know what your BF is capable of yet.
Maybe when he meets your family things will ease off a bit for you. You don't have to defend him to them, but if you want peace tell them you're being slow and careful.
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