Addict partner left me
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 16
Addict partner left me
Hello-I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years. I’ve just now recently noticed something was really off about him lately. For the past year and a half, he’s been on and off with me. Committing crimes, aggression, mood swings, lashing out over anything, never has any money, calls me out of my name, disappears for a few hours and comes back with “I was robbed,” each and every single time.
Hes had situations where he would complain of constant pain, bone pain or muscle pain to be exact. He will sit there and cry all day complaining how much his body hurts but refuses to go to the hospital. He will ask me for pain meds from time to time and if he gets his hands on any, he downed like 10 norcos one time and said they didn’t do anything for him. Immediately made me think he was abusing prescription pills.
Last weekend he asked me what I would think if he started hustling on the side. I said absolutely not. He said “you wouldn’t be with me if I did that?” I said no! So, he called me the next day and said that’s what he wants to do, and I told him okay, it’s over. He said okay and we hung up.
The day after I didn’t call him at all. He ended up blowing up my phone 30 times all day while I was at work. I didn’t answer until I got off and he went crazy on me. Yelling and asking why I didn’t answer his calls and texts. He needed me, he needed a ride from work and I was no where to be found and I’m the reason he has to start hustling because he has no help, blah blah blah. He proceeds to say “I’m done with you, you stupid b****, I’m dead to you! Don’t have anyone contact me, I’m done with you!” He hung up and calls me back and goes crazy again. I haven’t heard from him since and that was last Monday.
Im going nuts, I want him to come back. I know I can’t help him, he has to want help himself but I’m not done loving him. He’s my first love. Anyways, do you think he will come back? I mean he has done this before. Please don’t judge me. I ended up going home today from work because I started to cry and couldn’t control myself. I just want to hug him and love him and be there for him. I know he’s head over heals for me, he gets mad at the thought of me with someone else. He’s sooo crazy for me but these drugs are ruining everything! I can’t imagine that our love would end here. Please help me understand
Hes had situations where he would complain of constant pain, bone pain or muscle pain to be exact. He will sit there and cry all day complaining how much his body hurts but refuses to go to the hospital. He will ask me for pain meds from time to time and if he gets his hands on any, he downed like 10 norcos one time and said they didn’t do anything for him. Immediately made me think he was abusing prescription pills.
Last weekend he asked me what I would think if he started hustling on the side. I said absolutely not. He said “you wouldn’t be with me if I did that?” I said no! So, he called me the next day and said that’s what he wants to do, and I told him okay, it’s over. He said okay and we hung up.
The day after I didn’t call him at all. He ended up blowing up my phone 30 times all day while I was at work. I didn’t answer until I got off and he went crazy on me. Yelling and asking why I didn’t answer his calls and texts. He needed me, he needed a ride from work and I was no where to be found and I’m the reason he has to start hustling because he has no help, blah blah blah. He proceeds to say “I’m done with you, you stupid b****, I’m dead to you! Don’t have anyone contact me, I’m done with you!” He hung up and calls me back and goes crazy again. I haven’t heard from him since and that was last Monday.
Im going nuts, I want him to come back. I know I can’t help him, he has to want help himself but I’m not done loving him. He’s my first love. Anyways, do you think he will come back? I mean he has done this before. Please don’t judge me. I ended up going home today from work because I started to cry and couldn’t control myself. I just want to hug him and love him and be there for him. I know he’s head over heals for me, he gets mad at the thought of me with someone else. He’s sooo crazy for me but these drugs are ruining everything! I can’t imagine that our love would end here. Please help me understand
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Location: Minneapolis, MN
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Susulaila89
I am not sure I can help you understand, but I can share a few thoughts. I hope they help in some way.
First - will he come back? Who knows? When someone is in active addiction, they are not themselves, they become possessed by their addiction. If he has found an easier way to enable his addiction, he might not. If he gets desperate and believes he can continue his active addiction with you - maybe. The thing to realize is that if his addiction has driven him to crime, aggression and mood swings, you really aren't with him the man - you are with his addiction. He maybe "head over heels for you" but his addiction is in the driver's seat.
It is important to know, however, that there is no "understanding" addiction because it makes people crazy. Their behavior gets worse and worse as the disease progresses (unless they are in active recovery) and so things make less and less sense.
Addicts are powerless over the drugs they use and their lives become unmanageable. When we co-dependents get addicted to the addict, the same thing happens to us.
And then if the addict leaves - let's say because the codependent sets a boundary, it can be heart-wrenching because not only does the enabler lose someone they loved (at least at one time), but then they are also deprived of your own drug (the addict).
The best way to take care of yourself and maybe learn to be with him without enabling is to start working your own recovery program the way you wish he was working his own recovery. Get some books about codependency and search out all the reasons why it has been ok with you to be with someone who commits crimes and keeps your life in turmoil.
Sadly, the only way anyone can make a reasonable life with someone who suffers from chemical dependency is if they are in active recovery. So, maybe in addition to asking "will he come back", consider asking yourself "what will I do if he does come back"?
Quite possibly, loving him, hugging him and being there for him could be allowing him to stay in his addiction - which will inevitably lead to a very bad outcome.
Prayers you find strength and clarity.
I am not sure I can help you understand, but I can share a few thoughts. I hope they help in some way.
First - will he come back? Who knows? When someone is in active addiction, they are not themselves, they become possessed by their addiction. If he has found an easier way to enable his addiction, he might not. If he gets desperate and believes he can continue his active addiction with you - maybe. The thing to realize is that if his addiction has driven him to crime, aggression and mood swings, you really aren't with him the man - you are with his addiction. He maybe "head over heels for you" but his addiction is in the driver's seat.
It is important to know, however, that there is no "understanding" addiction because it makes people crazy. Their behavior gets worse and worse as the disease progresses (unless they are in active recovery) and so things make less and less sense.
Addicts are powerless over the drugs they use and their lives become unmanageable. When we co-dependents get addicted to the addict, the same thing happens to us.
And then if the addict leaves - let's say because the codependent sets a boundary, it can be heart-wrenching because not only does the enabler lose someone they loved (at least at one time), but then they are also deprived of your own drug (the addict).
The best way to take care of yourself and maybe learn to be with him without enabling is to start working your own recovery program the way you wish he was working his own recovery. Get some books about codependency and search out all the reasons why it has been ok with you to be with someone who commits crimes and keeps your life in turmoil.
Sadly, the only way anyone can make a reasonable life with someone who suffers from chemical dependency is if they are in active recovery. So, maybe in addition to asking "will he come back", consider asking yourself "what will I do if he does come back"?
Quite possibly, loving him, hugging him and being there for him could be allowing him to stay in his addiction - which will inevitably lead to a very bad outcome.
Prayers you find strength and clarity.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 16
Thank you so much for taking the time to explain it to me as best as you can. You did a great job at helping me understand.
I do have another question though. He is diagnosed bipolar/schizophrenic. Do you think this has a lot to do with his disappearing act too? Maybe I suspect drugs but it could just be the mental illness. I mean other than the fact he does look 55 but he’s only 38. Not sure if that’s from alcohol or what...
He had a terrible childhood. He’s always scared I’ll end up leaving him because of his abandonment issues. He can’t even sit in a hotel room or go on vacation with anyone if it’s not me, his best friend or his adoptive mother. He freaks out if I even get up to use the bathroom thinking I left.
So, it’s confusing to me that as attached as he is to me, he would be okay with leaving for good. I know if drugs are really something he’s gotten his hands on then it would make a little more sense but there’s so many other things that play apart, how do I even tell which is which?
From doing my own research, bipolar, schizophrenia, drug addiction and all others are technically all a mental illness with similar if not the same symptoms. I’m so lost on that.
The longest he has left me is 2 months and he eased his way back in by calling me on his birthday. Other times he’s left were from a week to a month and those times he would call me on my birthday or a holiday. Anything that he can use to ease his way back in.
He does do this to family too. He will get into it with a brother or a sister or a cousin and not talk to them. He hasn’t spoken to his play sister (which is his cousin), for a little while now because he got into it with her. He will act as if someone is no longer means anything to him then comes back later.
I do have another question though. He is diagnosed bipolar/schizophrenic. Do you think this has a lot to do with his disappearing act too? Maybe I suspect drugs but it could just be the mental illness. I mean other than the fact he does look 55 but he’s only 38. Not sure if that’s from alcohol or what...
He had a terrible childhood. He’s always scared I’ll end up leaving him because of his abandonment issues. He can’t even sit in a hotel room or go on vacation with anyone if it’s not me, his best friend or his adoptive mother. He freaks out if I even get up to use the bathroom thinking I left.
So, it’s confusing to me that as attached as he is to me, he would be okay with leaving for good. I know if drugs are really something he’s gotten his hands on then it would make a little more sense but there’s so many other things that play apart, how do I even tell which is which?
From doing my own research, bipolar, schizophrenia, drug addiction and all others are technically all a mental illness with similar if not the same symptoms. I’m so lost on that.
The longest he has left me is 2 months and he eased his way back in by calling me on his birthday. Other times he’s left were from a week to a month and those times he would call me on my birthday or a holiday. Anything that he can use to ease his way back in.
He does do this to family too. He will get into it with a brother or a sister or a cousin and not talk to them. He hasn’t spoken to his play sister (which is his cousin), for a little while now because he got into it with her. He will act as if someone is no longer means anything to him then comes back later.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 16
Thank you so much for taking the time to explain it to me as best as you can. You did a great job at helping me understand.
I do have another question though. He is diagnosed bipolar/schizophrenic. Do you think this has a lot to do with his disappearing act too? Maybe I suspect drugs but it could just be the mental illness. I mean other than the fact he does look 55 but he’s only 38. Not sure if that’s from alcohol or what...
He had a terrible childhood. He’s always scared I’ll end up leaving him because of his abandonment issues. He can’t even sit in a hotel room or go on vacation with anyone if it’s not me, his best friend or his adoptive mother. He freaks out if I even get up to use the bathroom thinking I left.
So, it’s confusing to me that as attached as he is to me, he would be okay with leaving for good. I know if drugs are really something he’s gotten his hands on then it would make a little more sense but there’s so many other things that play apart, how do I even tell which is which?
From doing my own research, bipolar, schizophrenia, drug addiction and all others are technically all a mental illness with similar if not the same symptoms. I’m so lost on that.
The longest he has left me is 2 months and he eased his way back in by calling me on his birthday. Other times he’s left were from a week to a month and those times he would call me on my birthday or a holiday. Anything that he can use to ease his way back in.
He does do this to family too. He will get into it with a brother or a sister or a cousin and not talk to them. He hasn’t spoken to his play sister (which is his cousin), for a little while now because he got into it with her. He will act as if someone is no longer means anything to him then comes back later.
I do have another question though. He is diagnosed bipolar/schizophrenic. Do you think this has a lot to do with his disappearing act too? Maybe I suspect drugs but it could just be the mental illness. I mean other than the fact he does look 55 but he’s only 38. Not sure if that’s from alcohol or what...
He had a terrible childhood. He’s always scared I’ll end up leaving him because of his abandonment issues. He can’t even sit in a hotel room or go on vacation with anyone if it’s not me, his best friend or his adoptive mother. He freaks out if I even get up to use the bathroom thinking I left.
So, it’s confusing to me that as attached as he is to me, he would be okay with leaving for good. I know if drugs are really something he’s gotten his hands on then it would make a little more sense but there’s so many other things that play apart, how do I even tell which is which?
From doing my own research, bipolar, schizophrenia, drug addiction and all others are technically all a mental illness with similar if not the same symptoms. I’m so lost on that.
The longest he has left me is 2 months and he eased his way back in by calling me on his birthday. Other times he’s left were from a week to a month and those times he would call me on my birthday or a holiday. Anything that he can use to ease his way back in.
He does do this to family too. He will get into it with a brother or a sister or a cousin and not talk to them. He hasn’t spoken to his play sister (which is his cousin), for a little while now because he got into it with her. He will act as if someone is no longer means anything to him then comes back later.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
Hi Susulaila89 and welcome.
I did post a brief reply to you in the other thread you posted in, hadn't seen this yet.
You mentioned in your other post that you tolerate him because you love him, I get that.
Thing is, what does he give to you in return? You must spend a lot of time picking up after him, emotionally and physically, where does that leave you? Are your emotional needs met? Do you feel loved and cared for and respected?
I ask these things because when you are in a relationship with an addict things can become very one sided as addiction can be very very selfish, as I am sure you are very aware. How long can you keep on being the rock? How long can you always be looking out for someone else?
When I ask what does he give you in return, I don't mean that everything has to be even, like it's a competition. What I do mean that is over time you will get tapped out emotionally.
Anyway, it's something to watch out for.
Addiction is not predictable and with alcoholism for sure it is progressive, it's not something that gets "better" ever, on it's own. He is obviously not interested in recovery at this point.
Bipolar/schizophrenic, addiction, you ask if all or any play a part in his disappearance, it could be any or all, I think even a psychiatrist would be hard pressed to answer that.
You told him it was over and he has taken you at your word. In my opinion, based on what he is going to do, you made the right decision, but of course, it's ultimately up to you.
Perhaps it's time to put your energy in to your life and what you want?
I did post a brief reply to you in the other thread you posted in, hadn't seen this yet.
You mentioned in your other post that you tolerate him because you love him, I get that.
Thing is, what does he give to you in return? You must spend a lot of time picking up after him, emotionally and physically, where does that leave you? Are your emotional needs met? Do you feel loved and cared for and respected?
I ask these things because when you are in a relationship with an addict things can become very one sided as addiction can be very very selfish, as I am sure you are very aware. How long can you keep on being the rock? How long can you always be looking out for someone else?
When I ask what does he give you in return, I don't mean that everything has to be even, like it's a competition. What I do mean that is over time you will get tapped out emotionally.
Anyway, it's something to watch out for.
Addiction is not predictable and with alcoholism for sure it is progressive, it's not something that gets "better" ever, on it's own. He is obviously not interested in recovery at this point.
Bipolar/schizophrenic, addiction, you ask if all or any play a part in his disappearance, it could be any or all, I think even a psychiatrist would be hard pressed to answer that.
You told him it was over and he has taken you at your word. In my opinion, based on what he is going to do, you made the right decision, but of course, it's ultimately up to you.
Perhaps it's time to put your energy in to your life and what you want?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
The addict in my life is both chemically dependent and mentally ill.
This makes things much harder to sort out. In the end, setting boundaries for behavior was the path to her getting the help she needed. She would often disappear for a very long time, especially when I set a boundary. Anything I required that limited her ability to continue either with unhealthy behavior triggered by the mental illness or drug use would set her off.
I don't know your partner's drug of choice, but in my case, my addicts use of meth caused a full blown psychosis. She was committed to a mental hospital when she tried to steal a car to go visit her dead father in another state (she was hallucinating) and eventually was committed so they could get her off all drugs and meds to do a proper analysis and treatment. She spent 6 months in treatment.
In many cases, people self medicate with drugs to deal with the mental illness and unless they can get off the drugs, diagnosis and treatment of the mental illness is impossible.
So, I think yes, the mental illness does add to the difficulty of this situation.
In all of this, I continue to love my niece despite her issues, so this does not mean you stop caring. However, whether it is mental illness or chemical dependency or both - they have to decide they want treatment to get better. I think that beneath the MI/CD, there is still a person we love, but so hard to get to them until these conditions are treated properly. And all the normal ways we show love often can cause more damage when what the person needs is limits and treatment.
As trailmix suggested, I found it important to focus on getting myself healthy and stable so that as things played out I could set and keep the boundaries that led to my addict's treatment.
Good luck!
Love and Prayers.
This makes things much harder to sort out. In the end, setting boundaries for behavior was the path to her getting the help she needed. She would often disappear for a very long time, especially when I set a boundary. Anything I required that limited her ability to continue either with unhealthy behavior triggered by the mental illness or drug use would set her off.
I don't know your partner's drug of choice, but in my case, my addicts use of meth caused a full blown psychosis. She was committed to a mental hospital when she tried to steal a car to go visit her dead father in another state (she was hallucinating) and eventually was committed so they could get her off all drugs and meds to do a proper analysis and treatment. She spent 6 months in treatment.
In many cases, people self medicate with drugs to deal with the mental illness and unless they can get off the drugs, diagnosis and treatment of the mental illness is impossible.
So, I think yes, the mental illness does add to the difficulty of this situation.
In all of this, I continue to love my niece despite her issues, so this does not mean you stop caring. However, whether it is mental illness or chemical dependency or both - they have to decide they want treatment to get better. I think that beneath the MI/CD, there is still a person we love, but so hard to get to them until these conditions are treated properly. And all the normal ways we show love often can cause more damage when what the person needs is limits and treatment.
As trailmix suggested, I found it important to focus on getting myself healthy and stable so that as things played out I could set and keep the boundaries that led to my addict's treatment.
Good luck!
Love and Prayers.
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Location: W Washington
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it sounds like pretty typical drug addict behavior....possibly coke/crack or meth. the disappearing acts are classic addict moves. they have NOTHING to do with you or anyone else, they have everything to do with the drugs.
and it sounds like the on again/off again, checking out, coming back schtick is nothing new. when you "let him back" you reinforce that behavior. we do teach people how to treat us.
he's getting himself in pretty deep with illegal activities, mood swings, always broke, not working (i presume he's too busy ripping and running to have a real job), wanting to deal or "hustle" as you put it. not exactly stellar qualities in a partner. and utter lack of respect for you, treating you like a motel 6 to crash at when he passes thru town.
you might want to take a big step back - pretend this is your sister, or niece - involved with a drug addict trying to beat court charges, who takes off without notice. what would you tell HER?
and it sounds like the on again/off again, checking out, coming back schtick is nothing new. when you "let him back" you reinforce that behavior. we do teach people how to treat us.
he's getting himself in pretty deep with illegal activities, mood swings, always broke, not working (i presume he's too busy ripping and running to have a real job), wanting to deal or "hustle" as you put it. not exactly stellar qualities in a partner. and utter lack of respect for you, treating you like a motel 6 to crash at when he passes thru town.
you might want to take a big step back - pretend this is your sister, or niece - involved with a drug addict trying to beat court charges, who takes off without notice. what would you tell HER?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
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Susulaila89 - to answer your question...
My addict could disappear for any length of time. Sometimes it was a few days, other times weeks. The longest I think was 2 months. (Not counting the times she was in jail or treatment). This happened repeatedly over the last 15 years with the most recent "disappearance" being 2 1/2 weeks before she was apprehended and committed.
I think those suffering from CD/MI completely lose track of time. While we are counting every second and worrying about a million outcomes, they are often preoccupied with getting and using their drug of choice or dealing with consequences of their decisions.
Their time sense is very different than ours I think.
Hope this helps.
My addict could disappear for any length of time. Sometimes it was a few days, other times weeks. The longest I think was 2 months. (Not counting the times she was in jail or treatment). This happened repeatedly over the last 15 years with the most recent "disappearance" being 2 1/2 weeks before she was apprehended and committed.
I think those suffering from CD/MI completely lose track of time. While we are counting every second and worrying about a million outcomes, they are often preoccupied with getting and using their drug of choice or dealing with consequences of their decisions.
Their time sense is very different than ours I think.
Hope this helps.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 16
Thank you again, Troubledone.
The longest mine has left was 2 months also. I haven't heard from him since last Monday. I wonder how long he will go, and I wonder if he will actually come back this time too. I'm trying to keep busy because for some reason when I'm too busy to think about him and I'm happier, that's when he ends up coming back. So weird...
I'm trying my best not to call him and stand my ground. I have only reached out to him once and that was on Wednesday. I sent him a very supportive text for him to read. It wasn't mean, it was filled with love and support. Sometimes he blocks me so I'm not even sure he got my text.
Yesterday was brutal. I cried at work and had a panic attack. Luckily, my co workers and my manager were very understanding, gave me a hug and told me to go home and relax. Today, I'm numb. I don't feel any pain but I know it's because I cried yesterday and let it out. Idk when the next panic attack will come, but I hope not anytime soon. I need a break!
By the way, thanks so much for responding and being patient with me. You have no idea how much you're helping me right now. I appreciate it!
The longest mine has left was 2 months also. I haven't heard from him since last Monday. I wonder how long he will go, and I wonder if he will actually come back this time too. I'm trying to keep busy because for some reason when I'm too busy to think about him and I'm happier, that's when he ends up coming back. So weird...
I'm trying my best not to call him and stand my ground. I have only reached out to him once and that was on Wednesday. I sent him a very supportive text for him to read. It wasn't mean, it was filled with love and support. Sometimes he blocks me so I'm not even sure he got my text.
Yesterday was brutal. I cried at work and had a panic attack. Luckily, my co workers and my manager were very understanding, gave me a hug and told me to go home and relax. Today, I'm numb. I don't feel any pain but I know it's because I cried yesterday and let it out. Idk when the next panic attack will come, but I hope not anytime soon. I need a break!
By the way, thanks so much for responding and being patient with me. You have no idea how much you're helping me right now. I appreciate it!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
So happy to help!
A few other things that helped me when I was at my most panicked...
practice deep breathing. I know its sounds too easy and simple to help, but forcing yourself to take long deep breaths has been shown in studies to fool your nervous system into thinking everything is OK. 10 in a row is not too many and try to breathe in and out as slowly as you can without strain. It is one way of interrupting the cascade of negative thoughts and resulting emotions that can get triggered.
also, if you are in a full fledged panic attack - have a poem or something handy to read out loud. Studies have shown that if you can activate the verbal centers in the brain by speaking out loud during a panic attack, it actually calms you and can interrupt the panic attack. Or ask someone to be prepared to ask you random questions if this occurs... anything that will force you to speak out loud. (Like what color is the floor and what did you have for breakfast.. that sort of thing).
Lastly - try to remember that you matter also. Try to treat yourself like someone you are responsible for caring for . You are going through a lot right now and need all the care and compassion you can provide for yourself.
Keep posting - we all want to help.
Love and Prayers,
A few other things that helped me when I was at my most panicked...
practice deep breathing. I know its sounds too easy and simple to help, but forcing yourself to take long deep breaths has been shown in studies to fool your nervous system into thinking everything is OK. 10 in a row is not too many and try to breathe in and out as slowly as you can without strain. It is one way of interrupting the cascade of negative thoughts and resulting emotions that can get triggered.
also, if you are in a full fledged panic attack - have a poem or something handy to read out loud. Studies have shown that if you can activate the verbal centers in the brain by speaking out loud during a panic attack, it actually calms you and can interrupt the panic attack. Or ask someone to be prepared to ask you random questions if this occurs... anything that will force you to speak out loud. (Like what color is the floor and what did you have for breakfast.. that sort of thing).
Lastly - try to remember that you matter also. Try to treat yourself like someone you are responsible for caring for . You are going through a lot right now and need all the care and compassion you can provide for yourself.
Keep posting - we all want to help.
Love and Prayers,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 16
That is great to know! I've always wondered what are some things that I can do to calm down because during that panic attack, I literally felt like I was dying. I just wanted it to stop so bad but couldn't. I'll definitely take all that into consideration.
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