The Selfishness and the Drama Associated with an Addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 78
The Selfishness and the Drama Associated with an Addict
Well today was a special day for our youngest as she turned 18. Her siblings, their significant others and her boyfriend were all out for a bbq. It was a nice together but I know the sting of her one brother not being here was quite evident with her.
Growing up they were both pretty close and they were the last two in the house before we kicked him out. We talked about and she was glad that he never came out because of the Drama he brings wherever he goes, but was a bit down that he didn't attempt to even call her or send her a text wishing her a Happy Birthday.
He's on another one of his benders where he has been, for the lack of a better description, a drama queen. He "through" his girlfriend was posting expletive filled posts to social media sites as late as yesterday, slaying myself, my wife and his other sister and brother, for all of the "pain" and "misery "we" have caused him in his life and how "we" are responsible for where he is in his life today.
I could really care less as his mother and I have been on the receiving end of his tirades more times than I can remember, but now that he has brought his siblings into his lunacy, he has brought it up a level. He also had the means to drop his sister a birthday wish but doesn't have the decency to do that either. But he's also probably too stoned to remember.
I must admit that it got the better of me today and after everyone had left I kind of lost it with my anger a bit. During my little tirade I told my wife that I was done with him and that I did not want him or his little girlfriend darkening our door ever again.
He is a toxic, selfish piece of trash who has used everyone for his addiction at one point or another over the past 7 years, and I no longer want him or the Drama that follows him in our lives anymore.
I told my wife that I would be telling him that the next time he's in contact with us, that in my estimation, based on his past benders, in about another week or two when he's looking for a handout. Welfare only goes so far when you're buying drugs and alcohol.
He has brought zero to the table in years. When he has come here in the past to visit he's been sober as he knows he won't get past the door of he isnt, but we can't let him out of our sight because we've caught him stealing items from us. We just can't trust him. His "visits" are hardly uplifting. His meth mouth is also a visual reminder of how far he's gone. Anyway, I told my wife that she was free to have him in if he was sober but that I would not be here if she chose to see him.
I dealt with addicts for 35 years during my career and I'll be damned if I'm going to put up with an addict and their associated drama at this point in my life.
Call me selfish but I've just had enough of this never ending rinse and repeat BS that has ruined our retirement so far and is now spider webbing to his siblings. I simply want him out of our lives.
Just my rant and vent. Thanks.
Growing up they were both pretty close and they were the last two in the house before we kicked him out. We talked about and she was glad that he never came out because of the Drama he brings wherever he goes, but was a bit down that he didn't attempt to even call her or send her a text wishing her a Happy Birthday.
He's on another one of his benders where he has been, for the lack of a better description, a drama queen. He "through" his girlfriend was posting expletive filled posts to social media sites as late as yesterday, slaying myself, my wife and his other sister and brother, for all of the "pain" and "misery "we" have caused him in his life and how "we" are responsible for where he is in his life today.
I could really care less as his mother and I have been on the receiving end of his tirades more times than I can remember, but now that he has brought his siblings into his lunacy, he has brought it up a level. He also had the means to drop his sister a birthday wish but doesn't have the decency to do that either. But he's also probably too stoned to remember.
I must admit that it got the better of me today and after everyone had left I kind of lost it with my anger a bit. During my little tirade I told my wife that I was done with him and that I did not want him or his little girlfriend darkening our door ever again.
He is a toxic, selfish piece of trash who has used everyone for his addiction at one point or another over the past 7 years, and I no longer want him or the Drama that follows him in our lives anymore.
I told my wife that I would be telling him that the next time he's in contact with us, that in my estimation, based on his past benders, in about another week or two when he's looking for a handout. Welfare only goes so far when you're buying drugs and alcohol.
He has brought zero to the table in years. When he has come here in the past to visit he's been sober as he knows he won't get past the door of he isnt, but we can't let him out of our sight because we've caught him stealing items from us. We just can't trust him. His "visits" are hardly uplifting. His meth mouth is also a visual reminder of how far he's gone. Anyway, I told my wife that she was free to have him in if he was sober but that I would not be here if she chose to see him.
I dealt with addicts for 35 years during my career and I'll be damned if I'm going to put up with an addict and their associated drama at this point in my life.
Call me selfish but I've just had enough of this never ending rinse and repeat BS that has ruined our retirement so far and is now spider webbing to his siblings. I simply want him out of our lives.
Just my rant and vent. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 20
Jiggs, your rant and vent could have been written by me. I had virtually the same discussion with my wife this weekend about our son. I told him that I don't need nor want any more of his drama in my life. Like you said we can't trust him in our home. When we know he is coming checkbooks, wallets and purses are hidden. He has married a woman who has just as many issues as him.
At this point in my life I should be taking grandkids fishing not dealing with addicts who won't help themselves.
At this point in my life I should be taking grandkids fishing not dealing with addicts who won't help themselves.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Cheshire. U.K
Posts: 8,003
Jiggs, you've just described my adult son to an absolute T. I can relate to every single thing you've said in your post. The saddest thing for me though is that my son is a single father with full custody and he has quite literally dumped his little boy on me .
Stick to your guns, you need to for the sake of your own health and sanity. X
Stick to your guns, you need to for the sake of your own health and sanity. X
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Selfish, self centered, narcissistic take you pick. Adult children addicts are the worst simply because they frequently run to family for help which they wouldn't need if it weren't for their lifestyle and choices.
The 'slaying' on social media is talking behind your back which I get alot. They have a very contrived image which they work hard to maintain and that includes scapegoating and/or playing the victim.
And yes the tirades become tiresome.
The 'slaying' on social media is talking behind your back which I get alot. They have a very contrived image which they work hard to maintain and that includes scapegoating and/or playing the victim.
And yes the tirades become tiresome.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
I am so sorry you and your wife are dealing with this. I might suggest that you not read his social media, or listen to anyone who does. Let your friends and family know that you do not wish to know anything being said on his social media.
Big hugs to you and your wife.
Big hugs to you and your wife.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Jiggs, you are completely fine in feeling the way you do. Detaching and separating yourself and your loved ones is the way to remove the madness from your life. I lived this for a long time and finally said ENOUGH!. It takes time to rebuild the life together as well if and when they choose sobriety. Your detachment will allow you to focus on moving past the anger and letting God handle the rest. Well done Jiggs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 78
Thanks everyone.
Coming here you learn that you are (unfortunately) not alone in your journey with an addict In your immediate family and the chaos, pain and destruction they cause along the way. Knowing that I'm not being selfish in attempting to regain some sanity in this circus is comforting to say the least.
For 35 years I dealt with addicts as a police officer. I saw the pain that it caused parents when they called us to remove someone from their home or when we informed them that their loved one had died from an OD. I've driven addicts that I've found half frozen to a Mens Mission or Shelter where they could thaw out and get a meal.
Nothing however prepared me for experiencing this first hand on the other side of the fence as a parent. Where I could lock it away before and the end of my shift, I couldn't do that anymore. It's constantly gnawing away at your sanity and you are constantly second guessing your actions/reactions.
It's going on 4 years now since I picked up the phone and called the police (my former department) to have him removed. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life.
Seeing him hastily pack his bags with 4 of my former colleagues standing around him with his glancing glares of hate & hurt still tears me up. I guess looking back we were hopeful that this decision would have been the catalyst he needed to jar him back to sobriety. Obviously it wasn't and neither has anything else that has occurred over the past four years. It's obvious that his rock bottom will be something that we can't even fathom. It scares the hell out of us.
Thank you again for your support and suggestions.
Coming here you learn that you are (unfortunately) not alone in your journey with an addict In your immediate family and the chaos, pain and destruction they cause along the way. Knowing that I'm not being selfish in attempting to regain some sanity in this circus is comforting to say the least.
For 35 years I dealt with addicts as a police officer. I saw the pain that it caused parents when they called us to remove someone from their home or when we informed them that their loved one had died from an OD. I've driven addicts that I've found half frozen to a Mens Mission or Shelter where they could thaw out and get a meal.
Nothing however prepared me for experiencing this first hand on the other side of the fence as a parent. Where I could lock it away before and the end of my shift, I couldn't do that anymore. It's constantly gnawing away at your sanity and you are constantly second guessing your actions/reactions.
It's going on 4 years now since I picked up the phone and called the police (my former department) to have him removed. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life.
Seeing him hastily pack his bags with 4 of my former colleagues standing around him with his glancing glares of hate & hurt still tears me up. I guess looking back we were hopeful that this decision would have been the catalyst he needed to jar him back to sobriety. Obviously it wasn't and neither has anything else that has occurred over the past four years. It's obvious that his rock bottom will be something that we can't even fathom. It scares the hell out of us.
Thank you again for your support and suggestions.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Jiggs I am sorry for your situation
Try to fins peace in the fact that its god's will for your son.
Sometimes when I get upset thinking about my addict & find great difficulty trying to calm myself - I think about the fact that's it God's will for her life. It brings me comfort almost a warm feeling.
Mine was also very selfish & and a complete drama queen
Try to fins peace in the fact that its god's will for your son.
Sometimes when I get upset thinking about my addict & find great difficulty trying to calm myself - I think about the fact that's it God's will for her life. It brings me comfort almost a warm feeling.
Mine was also very selfish & and a complete drama queen
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Jiggs, sadly, addiction of one affects the entire family. Each parent and sibling feels their own pain, and each may express it differently, or worse, stuff the pain wayyyyy down to fester until one day they explode in anger or rage.
Addiction is unhealthy for the addict, that part is obvious, but it's also unhealthy for the family and I know how my home became a war zone at times and my husband and I each handled our son's addiction differently. Neither was right or wrong, but we both experienced great pain.
Something that helps us and people like us is Al-anon or CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) or Nar-anon, three similar fellowships that are about US finding our balance and learning to live healthy and happy lives....regardless of how our addicted loved one is doing. I highly recommend finding some meetings and encouraging your family to join you. If you are not comfortable all sharing at the same meeting, you can go do different meetings, but please go, I promise you that you will be glad you did. There are also groups for families and Christian groups, all worth a visit to see how they work for you.
There is a member here, JimC60, who goes regularly and you can "feel" his strength found at meetings, in his posts.
We don't have to do this alone. There is support for us out there, and here at SR, and I promise that the help is much needed for each and every family member.
Good luck. Prayers for your son and your family.
Addiction is unhealthy for the addict, that part is obvious, but it's also unhealthy for the family and I know how my home became a war zone at times and my husband and I each handled our son's addiction differently. Neither was right or wrong, but we both experienced great pain.
Something that helps us and people like us is Al-anon or CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) or Nar-anon, three similar fellowships that are about US finding our balance and learning to live healthy and happy lives....regardless of how our addicted loved one is doing. I highly recommend finding some meetings and encouraging your family to join you. If you are not comfortable all sharing at the same meeting, you can go do different meetings, but please go, I promise you that you will be glad you did. There are also groups for families and Christian groups, all worth a visit to see how they work for you.
There is a member here, JimC60, who goes regularly and you can "feel" his strength found at meetings, in his posts.
We don't have to do this alone. There is support for us out there, and here at SR, and I promise that the help is much needed for each and every family member.
Good luck. Prayers for your son and your family.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
You are not selfish. The most loving thing you can do right now -- for both you and your wife and even for your son -- is to detach, let go and let God. Some people have to lose everything before they realize they have to stop their self-destructive behavior. But you have no control over what he does or does not do. He may never stop. It is so very difficult to watch the people we love face the consequences of their terrible actions. I hope you and your wife are able to find some peace -- I agree with Ann that a fellowship might be helpful. I'm so sorry for what is happening to your family now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Just sending prayers.
Don't have much to add except that by setting your boundaries you are helping yourself and your son, even if he doesn't see it.
I read an article from this site's emails recently that mentioned the only way an addict can stay an addict is to have at least one enabler in their lives. So, protecting yourself and your family is the right thing for everyone. And it is always hard. I hope you can find some peace and joy in the retirement you deserve.
Prayers!
ps -by the way, the hardest day of my life used to be when I called my addicts p.o. to have her arrested that resulted in 7 months in jail (long story) - topped recently when I had to appear in court to have her committed to get her the mental health/chemical dependency help she needed. BUT - she is doing so much better now. Try to find peace and joy in the in between times so that you are grounded if/when you are called upon to do hard things.
Don't have much to add except that by setting your boundaries you are helping yourself and your son, even if he doesn't see it.
I read an article from this site's emails recently that mentioned the only way an addict can stay an addict is to have at least one enabler in their lives. So, protecting yourself and your family is the right thing for everyone. And it is always hard. I hope you can find some peace and joy in the retirement you deserve.
Prayers!
ps -by the way, the hardest day of my life used to be when I called my addicts p.o. to have her arrested that resulted in 7 months in jail (long story) - topped recently when I had to appear in court to have her committed to get her the mental health/chemical dependency help she needed. BUT - she is doing so much better now. Try to find peace and joy in the in between times so that you are grounded if/when you are called upon to do hard things.
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