New Here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 1
New Here
So I am new here. I am not new to addiction. I grew up with a mother who was an alcoholic. My husband has struggled with addiction for the past 15 years. Prescription meds and suboxone for 13 years and heroin for the last 2. He was an extremely high functioning addict, never seen him nod off, never missed a day of work. However I was neglected for the last 15 years, never left because I love him and we have kids. He went into a detox recovery center for the first time on 3/5 . He finished the program on 4/6 and seems to be doing well. Here is where I am struggling.... before it was all about the drugs, now it is all about recovery. I just feel like I am still on the back burner, still neglected. is this selfish of me? He hasnt even thanked me for holding down the house and kids alone while he was gone. I just thought when he got clean this empty void would be filled but its not. is this normal? (i would never bring this up to him because I do above all else want him to remain clean). Thanks for listening and any advice!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 182
There is no magic switch that as soon as the addiction is not active that everything is fixed, it's just the beginning of recovery. You might want to go to a few Alanon meetings for yourself to see if it's a fit.
Action
Action
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 310
Hi unwritten. I can completely understand why you feel neglected. You deserve love, affection and respect from your partner and it is not selfish to want gratitude for all that you are doing.
As a recovering addict, sobriety has to be your husband's number one priority. It is still very early days for him, and hopefully as he builds more sober time he will be better able to balance bringing what you need to the relationship with his recovery.
As a recovering addict, sobriety has to be your husband's number one priority. It is still very early days for him, and hopefully as he builds more sober time he will be better able to balance bringing what you need to the relationship with his recovery.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
Hi unwritten and welcome to SR, glad you found us.
As mentioned, he didn't get in to this overnight and it could take quite some time for him to heal from it. Right now the most important thing is for him to stay sober, whatever that takes. Perhaps you can find some comfort in the fact that instead of being on such a negative path he is now on a more positive one.
I think sometimes we think that if someone just stops using - whatever drug - that they will just starting being themselves again - become "normal". That's never really the case.
While the focus has probably been on how the drugs have affected the family, in particular it has affected him. I don't know how long you knew him sober, or if you ever have, but it's been 15 years of drug use and conflict (I imagine) that changes a person and a relationship.
Knowledge about addiction is key for you. I also had an alcoholic parent, that shows us what alcoholism does, it doesn't help us to understand why someone is an addict or what drives them to drink or use other drugs.
You might find these articles/threads in our stickies section (top of the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum) to be helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Also these articles are very informative:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
I hope you will stick around and get the support you need.
As mentioned, he didn't get in to this overnight and it could take quite some time for him to heal from it. Right now the most important thing is for him to stay sober, whatever that takes. Perhaps you can find some comfort in the fact that instead of being on such a negative path he is now on a more positive one.
I think sometimes we think that if someone just stops using - whatever drug - that they will just starting being themselves again - become "normal". That's never really the case.
While the focus has probably been on how the drugs have affected the family, in particular it has affected him. I don't know how long you knew him sober, or if you ever have, but it's been 15 years of drug use and conflict (I imagine) that changes a person and a relationship.
Knowledge about addiction is key for you. I also had an alcoholic parent, that shows us what alcoholism does, it doesn't help us to understand why someone is an addict or what drives them to drink or use other drugs.
You might find these articles/threads in our stickies section (top of the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum) to be helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Also these articles are very informative:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
I hope you will stick around and get the support you need.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
unwritten.....I encourage you to read the recommended readings that trailmix suggested.....All of them---especially the ones in "Classic Readings"....there are more than 100 of them...about the effects of alcoholism on the family....
Also, the book "Co-Dependent No More" is one of the most recommended books on the alcoholism forum. It is easy to read and I think a lot of it will resonate with you...you can get it , used, on amazon.com and the local library..
I, also suggest that you learn about the devastating effects that an alcoholic home has on the children.....and, they carry the effects into their adult lives...
While you may be intimately familiar with the pain of alcoholism...having been raised by an alcoholic mother and 15yrs. with an alcoholic spouse....I doubt that you know much about the nature and course of the disease.
There is sooo much to learn.
Knowledge is power.
To answer your question...yes, your current experience is common. Most spouses, unless educated about it, have unreaslistic expectations about how their spouse will be in early recovery.
Early recovery alcoholics can barely get through the day, for themselves. And, yes, this feels very selfish to the spouse.
This is just the way it is...and, the "cost" of living with an alcoholic.
He may change, if he works diligently on his program....if he doesn't stick with his program and live by the principles, for the rest of his life....he will, likely, relapse...
You need to be aware of this. It will probably be several weeks to several months before you begin to see glimmerings of the kinds of changes that you want.
It takes about 6months for the alcoholic's brain to begin to clear...and, much longer to change their alcoholic thinking, attitudes and actions....
My suggestion, for you, during this difficult time, is to direct you energies toward yourself.....
Attend alanon meetings for yourself
Educate yourself, thoroughly, about this disease
Read "Co-Dependent No More"...
Get the kids into counseling or alateen...they need support too!
Keep posting here...lol...
Also, the book "Co-Dependent No More" is one of the most recommended books on the alcoholism forum. It is easy to read and I think a lot of it will resonate with you...you can get it , used, on amazon.com and the local library..
I, also suggest that you learn about the devastating effects that an alcoholic home has on the children.....and, they carry the effects into their adult lives...
While you may be intimately familiar with the pain of alcoholism...having been raised by an alcoholic mother and 15yrs. with an alcoholic spouse....I doubt that you know much about the nature and course of the disease.
There is sooo much to learn.
Knowledge is power.
To answer your question...yes, your current experience is common. Most spouses, unless educated about it, have unreaslistic expectations about how their spouse will be in early recovery.
Early recovery alcoholics can barely get through the day, for themselves. And, yes, this feels very selfish to the spouse.
This is just the way it is...and, the "cost" of living with an alcoholic.
He may change, if he works diligently on his program....if he doesn't stick with his program and live by the principles, for the rest of his life....he will, likely, relapse...
You need to be aware of this. It will probably be several weeks to several months before you begin to see glimmerings of the kinds of changes that you want.
It takes about 6months for the alcoholic's brain to begin to clear...and, much longer to change their alcoholic thinking, attitudes and actions....
My suggestion, for you, during this difficult time, is to direct you energies toward yourself.....
Attend alanon meetings for yourself
Educate yourself, thoroughly, about this disease
Read "Co-Dependent No More"...
Get the kids into counseling or alateen...they need support too!
Keep posting here...lol...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
