It never ends.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 78
It never ends.
Our middle son AJ began smoking weed when he was 14. By 17 he was permanently kicked out of school for smoking weed and selling drugs. His drug of choice is whatever he can get his hands on.
He stole from us and his sister, wrecked out car and has been fired from every job he has had. At age 18 we had him removed from the house by the police for threatening to kill us.
Over the years we've helped him get an apartment by signing a lease after he found employment only to see him get fired again and again for which we ended up having to pay his lease for nearly a year. We've paid for groceries as we were afraid of him not eating only to see him still finding the cash for drugs and booze.
We've tried and tried from the beginning to get him help only to have him flat out refuse or not show up at appointments. We've thrown our money, time and our emotional well being away because we cared when he didnt. We tried to make him change direction when he had no desire to do so.
Recently we saw a glimmer of hope when he started dating a girl who was sober and worked who seemed to have a positive influence on him. He got into a job skills program that would pay him triple what he was getting on welfare, and provide him upgraded skills. Heck the program even paid a graduating bonus at the end and would assist him in finding a full time job. The catch.....He had to show up every day for a few months and put in an effort.
Things appeared on the right track. He approached us sober asking to borrow first and last month's rent so he and his girlfriend could get a place of their own. He even showed us his plan on paying us back which was achievable since he was now making a full time wage....or so we were led to believe, so we gave him the money.
Not long after we learned that he in fact had broken up with his girlfrien and had either quit or been kicked out of the program and was on a bender.
We had been lied to, deceived and taken advantage of once again. We are angered and hurt to the core. Absolutely nothing has changed except that he has become even more skilled with his lies and manipulation.
We are mentally and physically exhausted. We are finished with him. We love him dearly but after all of this we are done. We have spent the first five years of our retirement agonizing over him not to mention throwing away thousands of our retirement savings.
We have decided to move on and start enjoying our retirement and our other 3 children who are all doing very well for themselves. He is now going on 22 and he is the only one that can change himself. It's all up to him now as we are not going to put any faith or face value trust into anything that he says or does from this point forward. The bank of mom and dad is also officially closed for all excuses and requests.
Hopefully he changes but after all of this time we aren't going to hold out breath.
He stole from us and his sister, wrecked out car and has been fired from every job he has had. At age 18 we had him removed from the house by the police for threatening to kill us.
Over the years we've helped him get an apartment by signing a lease after he found employment only to see him get fired again and again for which we ended up having to pay his lease for nearly a year. We've paid for groceries as we were afraid of him not eating only to see him still finding the cash for drugs and booze.
We've tried and tried from the beginning to get him help only to have him flat out refuse or not show up at appointments. We've thrown our money, time and our emotional well being away because we cared when he didnt. We tried to make him change direction when he had no desire to do so.
Recently we saw a glimmer of hope when he started dating a girl who was sober and worked who seemed to have a positive influence on him. He got into a job skills program that would pay him triple what he was getting on welfare, and provide him upgraded skills. Heck the program even paid a graduating bonus at the end and would assist him in finding a full time job. The catch.....He had to show up every day for a few months and put in an effort.
Things appeared on the right track. He approached us sober asking to borrow first and last month's rent so he and his girlfriend could get a place of their own. He even showed us his plan on paying us back which was achievable since he was now making a full time wage....or so we were led to believe, so we gave him the money.
Not long after we learned that he in fact had broken up with his girlfrien and had either quit or been kicked out of the program and was on a bender.
We had been lied to, deceived and taken advantage of once again. We are angered and hurt to the core. Absolutely nothing has changed except that he has become even more skilled with his lies and manipulation.
We are mentally and physically exhausted. We are finished with him. We love him dearly but after all of this we are done. We have spent the first five years of our retirement agonizing over him not to mention throwing away thousands of our retirement savings.
We have decided to move on and start enjoying our retirement and our other 3 children who are all doing very well for themselves. He is now going on 22 and he is the only one that can change himself. It's all up to him now as we are not going to put any faith or face value trust into anything that he says or does from this point forward. The bank of mom and dad is also officially closed for all excuses and requests.
Hopefully he changes but after all of this time we aren't going to hold out breath.
Last edited by Jiggs; 04-18-2019 at 08:46 AM. Reason: Adding more information
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, Jiggs. I am the mother of an adult son who has been in and out the the addiction/recovery/relapse mode for most of his adult life. He isn't a kid anymore.
I did all the things you did and more. I bought him tools for his new job with a renovator...no job, he sold the tools. I bought him groceries, surely they have to eat, yes? He sold them for drugs. The list is endless but I am pretty sure you get my drift.
This went on for years and years, he disappeared for about 14 years, then I heard through the grapevine that he had recently been released from prison and was living with his support worker from a group that works with recently released prisoners...surely a breach of her code of ethics...he has no ethics to breach. I opted not to contact him and am thinking on this for several months before/if I make any moves.
It never ends.
The thing is this...it ends when WE say it ends. It ended for me when I pulled off the highway in tears after trying to rescue him from a crack house that he didn't want rescuing from, many years ago. It ended for
me when I said a prayer at the side of the road and told God that I could not do one more day of this, and asked him to do for my son what I could not.
Today I live my life well, embracing the beauty in each day. I say a prayer each morning and turn the care of my son over to God and then live my life with gratitude and joy.
What helped me on my journey was going to my own meetings, CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) was my home group and I also went to Al-anon. I can't tell you how much it helped to be supported by people who understood. And I have been coming to SR for 17 years now, it's something I do for myself to pay back those who went before me and help those, like you, just coming in the door.
Take a read around, especially the sticky posts at the top of the forum. There is a lot if information there that may help you.
And a book many of us swear by is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, written in language we understand and so close to how it is that I thought she much have been peeking through my window.
Stick around, others will welcome you. Don't give up on your life, it can and will be better if you are willing to make some good changes that will help both you, through your recovery, and your son, by no longer enabling his life.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
I did all the things you did and more. I bought him tools for his new job with a renovator...no job, he sold the tools. I bought him groceries, surely they have to eat, yes? He sold them for drugs. The list is endless but I am pretty sure you get my drift.
This went on for years and years, he disappeared for about 14 years, then I heard through the grapevine that he had recently been released from prison and was living with his support worker from a group that works with recently released prisoners...surely a breach of her code of ethics...he has no ethics to breach. I opted not to contact him and am thinking on this for several months before/if I make any moves.
It never ends.
The thing is this...it ends when WE say it ends. It ended for me when I pulled off the highway in tears after trying to rescue him from a crack house that he didn't want rescuing from, many years ago. It ended for
me when I said a prayer at the side of the road and told God that I could not do one more day of this, and asked him to do for my son what I could not.
Today I live my life well, embracing the beauty in each day. I say a prayer each morning and turn the care of my son over to God and then live my life with gratitude and joy.
What helped me on my journey was going to my own meetings, CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) was my home group and I also went to Al-anon. I can't tell you how much it helped to be supported by people who understood. And I have been coming to SR for 17 years now, it's something I do for myself to pay back those who went before me and help those, like you, just coming in the door.
Take a read around, especially the sticky posts at the top of the forum. There is a lot if information there that may help you.
And a book many of us swear by is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, written in language we understand and so close to how it is that I thought she much have been peeking through my window.
Stick around, others will welcome you. Don't give up on your life, it can and will be better if you are willing to make some good changes that will help both you, through your recovery, and your son, by no longer enabling his life.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 78
Thank You Ann
Thanks for the welcome and the information. I have ordered the book from our Village Library.
Yes your post rang so true with what we have experienced and what we have finally decided on doing as we can no longer keep believing him and following him down the rabbit hole any longer.
We have beat ourselves up over and over trying to find a reason for his direction in life but are at a complete loss. He has blamed us and has thrown the guilt trip our way so many times now that we now just ignore it, something that we are going to do on an even larger scale now.
We pray for him and leave it at God's feet as it's no longer something that we have or ever had any control over. His destiny is his and his alone.
Thank you.
Yes your post rang so true with what we have experienced and what we have finally decided on doing as we can no longer keep believing him and following him down the rabbit hole any longer.
We have beat ourselves up over and over trying to find a reason for his direction in life but are at a complete loss. He has blamed us and has thrown the guilt trip our way so many times now that we now just ignore it, something that we are going to do on an even larger scale now.
We pray for him and leave it at God's feet as it's no longer something that we have or ever had any control over. His destiny is his and his alone.
Thank you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 78
Thank You Ann
Thanks for the welcome and the information. I have ordered the book from our Village Library.
Yes your post rang so true with what we have experienced and what we have finally decided on doing as we can no longer keep believing him and following him down the rabbit hole any longer.
We have beat ourselves up over and over trying to find a reason for his direction in life but are at a complete loss. He has blamed us and has thrown the guilt trip our way so many times now that we now just ignore it, something that we are going to do on an even larger scale now.
We pray for him and leave it at God's feet as it's no longer something that we have or ever had any control over. His destiny is his and his alone.
Thank you.
Yes your post rang so true with what we have experienced and what we have finally decided on doing as we can no longer keep believing him and following him down the rabbit hole any longer.
We have beat ourselves up over and over trying to find a reason for his direction in life but are at a complete loss. He has blamed us and has thrown the guilt trip our way so many times now that we now just ignore it, something that we are going to do on an even larger scale now.
We pray for him and leave it at God's feet as it's no longer something that we have or ever had any control over. His destiny is his and his alone.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
The three C's:
You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, you cannot Cure it. You have done all you could. You don't love him any less by loving him from afar. It just means a relationship with him is so toxic he is dragging you down the rabbit hole with him.
Turn him over to God.
Big hugs.
You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, you cannot Cure it. You have done all you could. You don't love him any less by loving him from afar. It just means a relationship with him is so toxic he is dragging you down the rabbit hole with him.
Turn him over to God.
Big hugs.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
There are quite a few parents here, Jiggs, many like you and I are retired.
I have often said here, if love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.
You are wise to let go and take your own life (and finances) back. We can't buy them clean. His anger, although directed at you, is mostly about him and his anger with himself. Step back, take a deep breath and know that we all are standing with you.
I am glad you ordered that book, I can promise you that it will being you a lot of good information.
I have often said here, if love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.
You are wise to let go and take your own life (and finances) back. We can't buy them clean. His anger, although directed at you, is mostly about him and his anger with himself. Step back, take a deep breath and know that we all are standing with you.
I am glad you ordered that book, I can promise you that it will being you a lot of good information.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello and welcome! Another Mom who tried to save my son for a long ,long time. He started doing drugs at 18 and graduated to grand theft and burglary of our home at the tender age of 21. Yep, I tried everything to "help" him through over 10 rehabs in the course of 6 long years. One fine day, after another round of insanity, I just said in my heart "ENOUGH!". I finally let him go. I allowed no contact, but if he did contact me, the only thing I was willing to do is drive him to rehab. It took time, and I lost a lot of my life to running behind JJ trying to clean up the messes. Its so true, that once you let go, the peace will come REGARDLESS if they clean up their act or not. Thankfully, JJ sought real recovery and he is self sufficient for going on two years, but I know that I had NOTHING to do with his recovery and nothing to do with his addiction. All I had to do with was being used as a pawn for his needs to be met. Now, we have a real, adult relationship and I really don't ask or need to know what he is doing and what who he is seeing. Its' so liberating! Please keep reading and posting as much as you need to. We are here for you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 78
This is a great site with so much information from so many who have walked the walk.
AJ has burned so many bridges with us, his siblings, relatives, friends, social workers, employers. His last girlfriend , who is a very nice & sober person, told us that she is going to "help him" get better as he told her just recently that he "needs her".
AJ isn't stupid. One thing he is though is a master at manipulating. We warned her about about him and our experiences with him in the past and that this latest episode is the same as countless others.
She doesn't have much but she works full time and works hard. AJ no doubt recognizes her as a meal ticket and someone else that he can use and manipulate. It makes us sick knowing this but we've warned her.
We wished her luck but we also told her that we did not want any updates from her. We told her that if she believed he was in danger from having an OD or was threatening suicide (he's used this phrase a countless number of times) to call 911, not us. She's a smart girl who will no doubt figure it out on her own.
We are doing what we should've done a long time ago in baby steps. It hurts and seems so unnatural but we know it will allow us to start enjoying our lives, our family and each other again.
AJ has burned so many bridges with us, his siblings, relatives, friends, social workers, employers. His last girlfriend , who is a very nice & sober person, told us that she is going to "help him" get better as he told her just recently that he "needs her".
AJ isn't stupid. One thing he is though is a master at manipulating. We warned her about about him and our experiences with him in the past and that this latest episode is the same as countless others.
She doesn't have much but she works full time and works hard. AJ no doubt recognizes her as a meal ticket and someone else that he can use and manipulate. It makes us sick knowing this but we've warned her.
We wished her luck but we also told her that we did not want any updates from her. We told her that if she believed he was in danger from having an OD or was threatening suicide (he's used this phrase a countless number of times) to call 911, not us. She's a smart girl who will no doubt figure it out on her own.
We are doing what we should've done a long time ago in baby steps. It hurts and seems so unnatural but we know it will allow us to start enjoying our lives, our family and each other again.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
His last girlfriend , who is a very nice & sober person, told us that she is going to "help him" get better as he told her just recently that he "needs her".
There are many here who were these ladies, some married, some long term relationships and most were very hurt and exhausted before they, like us, reached out.
You sound very wise and miles ahead of where I was when I first came here. It's been a long road for all of us, and for me, it's a one way road that I must keep going forward on, I never ever want to go back to how I was before recovery.
I know it hurts but the more you know it is the right thing, for you and for him, the better you will feel. The founder of this site, a recovering addict named Jon, once told me that I might "love my son right into his grave". Ouch, that stung, but he was absolutely right, my enabling was killing both of us.
I truly am glad you joined us, sorry for the reason but glad you reached out to the very place that helped me find my balance so many years ago.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 178
Jiggs, I am so sorry. I know what it's like when you get your hopes up that your son is on a good path, and then it all falls apart, again. My son was arrested, and that was his bottom, his wake up call. It was only 2 months, but it was more than enough for him to come out clean and resolved to stay that way. It's been over a year, yet of course it's "one day at a time". I hope you find peace.
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