How to not feel guilty when moving in from your ex?
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Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 84
How to not feel guilty when moving in from your ex?
I broke up with my ex boyfriend a few weeks ago. I found out he was cheating on me and had proof to back it up,so I cut off all contact. I have been so hit tby him that when I heard what was going on I was almost numb from it. I just blocked the numbers he calls from in jail and also blocked his mom’s number. Since she has helped him stay so toxic and enables his addiction. I have been talking to other people and sometimes I still feel so guilty. I have to remind myself everything he has put me through,to now raising his baby in my own with debilitating anxiety and depression. He has just done so much wrong to me it’s gonna take a while for me to recover. Still I feel like I owe him something when I know I don’t. It’s just a nagging feeling I have.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Iris, glad to hear from you; I was wondering how you were going. Sorry about the ABF cheating, but he hasn't been the best of partners. You're being super strong, blocking his and his mother's numbers. You may feel guilty, but that will go eventually.
How are you and how is your little boy? You sound much better than previously. Has finishing it off been a relief in any way?
How are you and how is your little boy? You sound much better than previously. Has finishing it off been a relief in any way?
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Still I feel like I owe him something when I know I don’t. It’s just a nagging feeling I have.
Feelings are not reality. You owe him NOTHING. Part of the sickness of living with an alcoholic or addict is the distortion of reality that happens after a while of living in the craziness. You're on your way out of it right now. Keep doing what you are doing and leave him in the rear view mirror. It's going to be ok.
Hugs to you.
Feelings are not reality. You owe him NOTHING. Part of the sickness of living with an alcoholic or addict is the distortion of reality that happens after a while of living in the craziness. You're on your way out of it right now. Keep doing what you are doing and leave him in the rear view mirror. It's going to be ok.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 182
Hang in there and be the best you can be for yourself and your child. Your ex boyfriend will be however whoever he is with or without you. He can be the greatest dad or deadbeat dad it has nothing to do with you because it's all up to him. Your first concern is you and the child no need for guilt here.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
After a long time of over-focusing on an addict, it is hard to know what a normal life is like.
Normal life is where adults attend to their adult responsibilities and support each other through life's difficulties. Obviously addicts never hold up their end.
After a long time of putting one's self aside to overcompensate for an addict, I know I've felt "guilty" for doing the very normal amount of focusing on my own life and goals. It seemed "selfish".
What selfish is - is an addict who shirks his/her responsibilities to the relationship (like being honest and not cheating) and expects someone else to compensate for their unwillingness to manage their adult life.
And, sometimes grief can feel like guilt, I think. That hollow feeling of being betrayed after caring so much.
I wish you could read your own post with the eyes of those of us who see that you are taking responsibility for a young life while carrying a heavy burden. I wish you could see what a wonderful, loving, adult, responsible thing that is! I wish you could feel the confidence of the courage it must take for you to end the relationship. You are doing some very hard things and hanging in there! So good for you!!!
My hope for you is that you can settle into normal and feel the peace that comes with that - not the overblown drama of the life with an addict.
What people "owe" each other is to be respectful and responsible. The best way to respect an addict is to let them live with the consequences of their decisions so they can learn.
All the best,
Normal life is where adults attend to their adult responsibilities and support each other through life's difficulties. Obviously addicts never hold up their end.
After a long time of putting one's self aside to overcompensate for an addict, I know I've felt "guilty" for doing the very normal amount of focusing on my own life and goals. It seemed "selfish".
What selfish is - is an addict who shirks his/her responsibilities to the relationship (like being honest and not cheating) and expects someone else to compensate for their unwillingness to manage their adult life.
And, sometimes grief can feel like guilt, I think. That hollow feeling of being betrayed after caring so much.
I wish you could read your own post with the eyes of those of us who see that you are taking responsibility for a young life while carrying a heavy burden. I wish you could see what a wonderful, loving, adult, responsible thing that is! I wish you could feel the confidence of the courage it must take for you to end the relationship. You are doing some very hard things and hanging in there! So good for you!!!
My hope for you is that you can settle into normal and feel the peace that comes with that - not the overblown drama of the life with an addict.
What people "owe" each other is to be respectful and responsible. The best way to respect an addict is to let them live with the consequences of their decisions so they can learn.
All the best,
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Remember that I bet he was not feeling so guilty when he was cheating on you.
Putting your child first will 100% ALWAYS be the right thing to do. The best thing you can do for a child is to set an example and take care of yourself so you can be the best parent you can be!
Big hugs.
Putting your child first will 100% ALWAYS be the right thing to do. The best thing you can do for a child is to set an example and take care of yourself so you can be the best parent you can be!
Big hugs.
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