My first post......I’m looking for any help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 22
My first post......I’m looking for any help
I really don’t know where to start. I am mid 40s and my AW and I have been married almost 25 wonderful years. Well 19 wonderful years. The last 6 years my wife has progressively drank more and more. To the point of now it’s a 30 pack of beer per day and she hasn’t gotten out of house in over 2 months. She wanted to go to rehab once and we packed her a bag and made it Into the admin office into to be told that her case wasn’t serious enough. Well it’s serious now and she won’t back. I have looked up high dollar female only rehab clinics but she won’t go. Now she won’t even talk about it. I know I enable her. Hell I even buy her beer for her because listening to her screaming got so bad and I am terrified she will just drive to the store if it don’t. I really don’t know what to do. I have never talked to anyone about this. Would giving her an ultimatum of her stopping drinking or me leaving help? Any advice would be appreciated
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
If you leave, like you said, she'll drive to the store.
My 45-year-old alcoholic son went to the hospital telling them he was having an anxiety attack. He had been drinking massive amounts of beer also and taking prescription medications on top of the drinking. He finally got honest with the staff in the ER and they kept him in for three days where he began to detox. He called me after three days in the hospital and asked could he come to my house. I had phone numbers ready for three treatment facilities. I told him, no, he could not come here, that I couldn't help him. Then he said he needed help and wanted to go directly from the hospital to the treatment center. I gave him the phone numbers and he called them on his own. If I had have made the call for him and he didn't like it there, he would have blamed me. He's the one who had to reach out for the help - on his own.
He's been out of treatment for two weeks now and is following up with outpatient therapy. He has been to several AA meetings and seems to be doing great.
I'm a recovered alcoholic of 21 years and also have attended lots of Al-Anon meetings.
My 45-year-old alcoholic son went to the hospital telling them he was having an anxiety attack. He had been drinking massive amounts of beer also and taking prescription medications on top of the drinking. He finally got honest with the staff in the ER and they kept him in for three days where he began to detox. He called me after three days in the hospital and asked could he come to my house. I had phone numbers ready for three treatment facilities. I told him, no, he could not come here, that I couldn't help him. Then he said he needed help and wanted to go directly from the hospital to the treatment center. I gave him the phone numbers and he called them on his own. If I had have made the call for him and he didn't like it there, he would have blamed me. He's the one who had to reach out for the help - on his own.
He's been out of treatment for two weeks now and is following up with outpatient therapy. He has been to several AA meetings and seems to be doing great.
I'm a recovered alcoholic of 21 years and also have attended lots of Al-Anon meetings.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Screaming, begging, negotiating, pleading and all the loving in the world won't stop them, if it would not one of us would be here.
What helped me (deal with my addicted son) was to find meetings for me, Al-anon and CoDA were my main groups and they helped me find my balance and start taking car of me.
The Salvation Army rehabs are free and very good, you don't need to throw a lot of money at what may or may not take hold for her. The success of any rehab is usually directly related to the willingness of the person seeking help.
My heart hurts for you, there is no easy way past this. I hope you find help for yourself, which may just lead to her doing the same.
What helped me (deal with my addicted son) was to find meetings for me, Al-anon and CoDA were my main groups and they helped me find my balance and start taking car of me.
The Salvation Army rehabs are free and very good, you don't need to throw a lot of money at what may or may not take hold for her. The success of any rehab is usually directly related to the willingness of the person seeking help.
My heart hurts for you, there is no easy way past this. I hope you find help for yourself, which may just lead to her doing the same.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
immw…..at 30 beers per day....for this amount of time...I would predict that she would have some serious withdraw symptoms....which can be very dangerous--perhaps, even DTs. This is extraordinarily painful, also--so much so that a person will do just about anything to get a drink.
She certainly needs medically supervised detox....which can be done safely and relatively comfortably....
If you were to make an "ultimatum"....you must be totally confident that you are prepared to carry through with it....otherwise, she will, correctly, learn that your words are hollow....and, she will be able to play you like a fiddle....
Even if it DID force her into a rehab....it would be to placate you, most likely...and, could result in her being secretly, very resentful of you...and/or relapse after returning home.....
Having said that....it is true that some people will seek genuine recovery if they are faced with loss of something that is significant to them....like, loss of job or children or family....and, for some, this won't even stop them....
If I were in your shoes (which I am not)...I would file for divorce and drop the papers in her lap (so to speak)….and begin packing my bags in full view. If she wanted to get sober, at that point, I suggest that she go to hospital detox--which lasts a few days for most people....or, to a private doctor's office to get help with detox admission.....
This would, at least, get her sober enough to think more clearly than when she is drunk.
It takes a long time to get a divorce finalized...and, some people can put the finalizing off forever...lol...
Here, in my opinion, is the biggest pitfall in this plan....most people welcome the alcoholic back into the home/relationship too quickly...as soon as the alcoholic appears to be "put back together" for a few weeks or a few months. If the alcoholic is not trying to stay sober for themselves (not to just get you back)….they eventually, will relapse again....
I think that you would need to be prepared to live separately from her for at least a year or two....at least! It takes time and diligent work for the alcoholic to get their teeth into a strong program of sobriety....
Either, she will be serious, or, she won't....as the bottom line....
My first suggestion, for you, is to learn as much as you can about alcoholism and the true nature and course of the disease....
There are ways to do this...we have tons of reading, in our library of great articles on alcoholism and the effects on the family--in our sticky section, above the threads....look for the section called "Classic Readings" within the stickies...(more than 100 great articles)….
I think that you should seek the guidance of an experienced alxoholism counselor ...preferably, one that has several years of recovery under his/her belt....you need to k now that they know....otherwise, your wife can play you pretty easily....
I suggest that you read the book "Co-Dependent No More"...you can get it on Amazon or the local library....it is an easy read and, I think, will resonate, a lot with you!
You will need to work on your side of things as much as y our wife will need to work a diligent program of recovery....
It is a long and tough road for both of you....each, in your respective lanes...
There are not, of course, any gurantees of how things will work out....because, the future has not been written, yet....
One thing, for sure, is, that, this is too difficult for you to walk alone....
Get all the help that you can get....
She certainly needs medically supervised detox....which can be done safely and relatively comfortably....
If you were to make an "ultimatum"....you must be totally confident that you are prepared to carry through with it....otherwise, she will, correctly, learn that your words are hollow....and, she will be able to play you like a fiddle....
Even if it DID force her into a rehab....it would be to placate you, most likely...and, could result in her being secretly, very resentful of you...and/or relapse after returning home.....
Having said that....it is true that some people will seek genuine recovery if they are faced with loss of something that is significant to them....like, loss of job or children or family....and, for some, this won't even stop them....
If I were in your shoes (which I am not)...I would file for divorce and drop the papers in her lap (so to speak)….and begin packing my bags in full view. If she wanted to get sober, at that point, I suggest that she go to hospital detox--which lasts a few days for most people....or, to a private doctor's office to get help with detox admission.....
This would, at least, get her sober enough to think more clearly than when she is drunk.
It takes a long time to get a divorce finalized...and, some people can put the finalizing off forever...lol...
Here, in my opinion, is the biggest pitfall in this plan....most people welcome the alcoholic back into the home/relationship too quickly...as soon as the alcoholic appears to be "put back together" for a few weeks or a few months. If the alcoholic is not trying to stay sober for themselves (not to just get you back)….they eventually, will relapse again....
I think that you would need to be prepared to live separately from her for at least a year or two....at least! It takes time and diligent work for the alcoholic to get their teeth into a strong program of sobriety....
Either, she will be serious, or, she won't....as the bottom line....
My first suggestion, for you, is to learn as much as you can about alcoholism and the true nature and course of the disease....
There are ways to do this...we have tons of reading, in our library of great articles on alcoholism and the effects on the family--in our sticky section, above the threads....look for the section called "Classic Readings" within the stickies...(more than 100 great articles)….
I think that you should seek the guidance of an experienced alxoholism counselor ...preferably, one that has several years of recovery under his/her belt....you need to k now that they know....otherwise, your wife can play you pretty easily....
I suggest that you read the book "Co-Dependent No More"...you can get it on Amazon or the local library....it is an easy read and, I think, will resonate, a lot with you!
You will need to work on your side of things as much as y our wife will need to work a diligent program of recovery....
It is a long and tough road for both of you....each, in your respective lanes...
There are not, of course, any gurantees of how things will work out....because, the future has not been written, yet....
One thing, for sure, is, that, this is too difficult for you to walk alone....
Get all the help that you can get....
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