When getting better feels worse...

Old 03-18-2019, 05:31 PM
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When getting better feels worse...

Hello all.

Most know my story - addicted niece in and out of my house, rehab, jail, all multiple times over the past 15 (yes, 15) years. Last summer she was committed after a psychotic episode triggered by her drug use resulted in her becoming Bipolar.

She went through 6 months of intensive rehab, and then moved in with a dysfunctional boyfriend and they fought to much they got evicted. (she could have moved elsewhere after treatment but didn't do the work needed to arrange it).

Anyway, I let her come back TEMPORARILY when they got evicted since shelters were full and it was winter. At the time I insisted that if she came here, she would take the very first option that came open for housing. She hoped to find an apartment (she has a housing voucher, food stamps, etc.) but spent too much time in drama with the boyfriend to actually make progress there. And, she is going to have to do a LOT of work to find a place since she has a lot of debt, bad credit and criminal history working against her.

So - today she moved into a new facility. Supported living for people with cognitive disabilities/mental illness.

I felt good about it because in the last 40 days she's been here she started up again with staying up all night, sleeping all day and pulling her hair out again (after growing back in treatment, she now has a 3" diameter bald spot and the rest of her hair doesn't' look good either - she wears hats all the time). All symptoms of the last slip into crisis.

Of course she's not happy. She says the People are disheveled, staff is unhelpful, food is bad, they didn't have sheets for her and the place is dirty.

Odd - you could say all that about the old boyfriend's apartment, but that didn't seem to bother her.

Anyway, just as she's being picked up to go, she says she needs $50 for the internet at the place. I say I gotta think on it - then she says how about $20...hmmm. then she texts to say the internet requires a credit card. I just don't respond.

so what is my problem?

I feel bad for her.

If she could live in my house without doing drugs, have a normal sleep schedule and not have drama with the stupid boyfriend every 5 minutes, I could handle her being here. But if I suggest some minor values like that, she goes ballistic and says we are controlling her.
Evidently being in the "horrible" living situation she's in now, is preferable to being controlled by us requiring her to live like a normal human.

So, she has no job, no money, no internet, an idiot for a boyfriend who is in rehab himself, bad credit, a criminal record and I can't handle her being in my home because it is making me physically sick.

So, as much as I love her, I can see she needs to be in this facility- if for no other reason than I can have some sanity in my life.

I allow myself to hope that if she's miserable enough she might start actually working with her therapist and psychiatrist and caseworker. But its still hard for me to see someone I love suffer.

Of course, probably at least 50% of the world population would think the facility a huge improvement on their situation and having someone provide all their meals would seem opulent. I suppose everything is relative.

So - thanks for reading. Sorry for the long post. I believe I'm doing the right thing.. its just hard to watch her struggle when the way out is so obvious to me.

Thanks SR community for being there...
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Old 03-18-2019, 05:39 PM
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Anyway, just as she's being picked up to go, she says she needs $50 for the internet at the place. I say I gotta think on it - then she says how about $20...hmmm. then she texts to say the internet requires a credit card. I just don't respond.
Thank goodness you didn't jump right in on this one, it's got red flags all over it.

You have learned well. This new place may be no nirvana but it's a good place where she can get help and has much more to offer her than you (or I or any one of us who feel "we" must be the answer) ever could.

She will do well or she will continue to make bad choices. Either way you have given up your front row seat to the insanity.

Keeping her in my prayers, she just might find real help here...we can only hope, yes?
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Old 03-18-2019, 08:52 PM
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Troubledone…..she seems to have developed quite a sense of entitlement.
that, would, likely go on forever, unless she learns different....through life learning experiences....(like this one)….
I know that you feel so responsible for her....and care about her success navigating life....so I really do know how this feels....
Just tell yourself over and over...and, over....that you are doing what is the BEST thing for her development...…
Resist allowing yourself to feeling guilt....because, in this case, it is "false guilt"....
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Old 03-19-2019, 05:36 AM
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Bottom line is that it is up to her. You have done as much as you can........and it is up to her. There are lots of folks that recover from similar/worse situations and clear all the wreckage, but it takes some internal motivation to move forward. Likely, bi-polar was a diagnosis before the drugs. It is typically not "drug induced". Lots of folks that are bi-polar, including myself do just fine. In the end, any diagnosis just a way to describe/treat behavior. We are all imperfect humans and in the end it is only the individual that will or will not find their way. I think you can be comfortable that you have done your part to help. You can be a cheerleader, but you can't play the game for someone. It only "seems" to work and then just for a very short time.
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Old 03-19-2019, 06:42 AM
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thanks to all for your support
It means a LOT.

Special thanks to totfit - it really helps me to hear from someone with a similar diagnosis tell me where I fit and where I don't in my niece's life. thanks!
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Old 03-19-2019, 06:23 PM
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But its still hard for me to see someone I love suffer.

you see suffering, she sees just doing her thing. some folks don't WANT to live the dream, live that "normal" life, play by the rules, abide by the law, act with any responsibility, pay a single bill and firmly believe they are entitled to be taken care of, as long as it meets their highly discriminating standards.

she has no job, no money, no internet, an idiot for a boyfriend who is in rehab himself, bad credit, a criminal record


and yet she managed to go to living with you, again, for free, and now she's in a facility that will continue to take care of her. all of her needs will be met - food, clothing, shelter.

the more you see this as HER choice, not yours, the easier it will get.
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Old 03-19-2019, 07:12 PM
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Thanks AnvilheadII - I need to keep reminding myself of that.

she said she had a "horrible" day because her vape pen broke and her roommate was mean to her. I dropped off her yoga mat tonight and while she described that place as horrible it looked pretty nice to me from the outside (well kept, good neighborhood, near the bus route). She had to admit it was a nice neighborhood and said she was going to take the bus downtown tomorrow. I guess it can't be so bad.

And you are right - she does have all her needs met and if she wants more than what is provided, she'll need to start doing some work. I guess I need to keep remembering that just because she isn't happy doesn't mean she isn't in the best possible place for her at this time.

And another thing I am realizing I need to remember is that I don't deserve her criticism and anger. I think I've been the brunt of it for so long that I don't even fight it anymore, but it still hurts. So it is good not to put myself in the place where I have to deal with it.

She truly can't seem to stop herself from saying hurtful things to the very people who love her most. I guess that's part of the "stinking thinking" of the disease.

Anyway, thanks for all the support. I am going to continue practicing letting go with love until I get it right. I do sleep better when she's not in the house...
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Old 03-19-2019, 07:27 PM
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troubledone….I would take that one step further....speaking to you with criticism and anger...deliberately hurtful...is more than just "stinkin thinkin", in my opinion.....People, also, are disrespectful to those that they know will tolerate it, and, they know they can get away with it.....
that is why they hurt those that have been the very best to them. She knows that you have a "soft" heart and are vulnerable.
Also, there is the other dynamic---that those who are dependent on others, actually resent their own dependence...and, will, often strike out in anger at the one that they depend on...(one sees this, a lot , in teens who are struggling between the independence/dependence phase of development). She sounds immature, to me...
I am so glad to hear that you are realizing that this is boundary time, around this behavior. I hope you make the boundary that you will never endure her speaking to you like that, ever again. That will be a lot easier if she is never allowed to live in your house, ever again.....
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Old 03-20-2019, 10:05 AM
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dandylion - thank you!

I think the place I fall down is when she claims "my mental illness made me do it".

I have never had bipolar disorder and chemical dependency, so I don't know what it is really like and if they truly can't help themselves.

All I do know is that if she truly can't help herself, then she's doomed to keep getting worse until she dies and I don't think my Higher Power expects me to go down with her. (hence the boundaries)

Even the mental health professionals say that "she has to choose" - and I have often wondered... is it the addiction, is it the mental illness or is it immaturity - or a nasty mix of all three. I think it is all three and until she starts diligently working on that, she will continue to struggle.

In the end I have concluded that she really has not yet had the spiritual awakening necessary to even take step one. She has not truly accepted that she is the author of all this chaos. I am sad because if I were her and woke up one day and realized I had created all the destruction in my life that she's created in hers for 15 years and all the time I'd lost, I'd be horrified. (Of course, I'd get to work cleaning it up, but that's me).

I agree with you also - she simply cannot live in my house. Our patterns are too ingrained and interlinked. It was very hard for the 40 days she was here (for me) because I was simply working on letting go and waiting for God to arrange for the group home to open up. That 40 days taught me that I cannot do anything to influence her for the better.

Thanks again for the added insight. I really helps a LOT.
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