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Old 03-14-2019, 01:40 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Iris.....I understand how you feel. Realistically, I didn't expect you to say that you are floating on a happiness cloud...lol. I have had newborns, before, and at less that 3wks...I remembering feeling tired and sleepy and wanting more than 24hrs.in a day....
The idea is to make progress, a little, each day....and, getting through each day is calling a victory.
Of course, it is no secret, now, that this involves baby steps and getting the kind of help that you need from those who do understand and are in a position and attitude of helping you, toward that goal....
Having said that...it IS o.k. to say that you feel horrible, if you are feeling horrible....you do need to be honest, and I am glad that you are doing so....
And, I realize that you are more than just "tired" from recently giving birth.....I believe that you are suffering from anxiety/depression, exacerbated by your personal situation....and, made worse by relative isolation....
Believe me, when I say that these are all treatable and can be changed....
It doesn't have to always feel like this.....


I wish I knew how to stop feeling like this.. It makes me so disappointed in myself. I just wanna feel like I can get past the hard times without wanting to give up.
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Old 03-14-2019, 01:49 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Iris...what you are describing sounds like depression.
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Old 03-14-2019, 02:04 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Iris...what you are describing sounds like depression.

Im sure it probably is. I cry all the time... crying now actually. Just wish I had someone to always be here for me and understood me. Because right now I feel like everyone thatís around me doesnít understand how sad I feel. As corny as it sounds I just want someone to hug me and tell me itís gonna be okay. I really need that,so bad.
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Old 03-14-2019, 02:06 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Im sure it probably is. I cry all the time... crying now actually. Just wish I had someone to always be here for me and understood me. Because right now I feel like everyone thatís around me doesnít understand how sad I feel. As corny as it sounds I just want someone to hug me and tell me itís gonna be okay. I really need that,so bad.


I have missed my boyfriend so much... and to know that he disrespected me that way yet again has me feeling like thereís something wrong with me to make him not even love me. Like thatís my mind set now. When I first heard he done that to me I could rationalize that he is just a really bad person. But today I feel like maybe I wasnít good enough? That his son wasnít good enough for him. It just hurts.
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Old 03-14-2019, 02:20 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Iris....it is understandable for you to want these things. They sound like normal human needs, to me. With the depression...it sounds like your self esteem is on the bottom of the barrel Ö.this is a part of the depression..or, depression certainly makes it sooo much worse.
You were realistic to think that your bf was not a good person for you. He couldn't/wouldn't give you what you need. But, that, in no way devalues ypu or his son. That is on him--not you!
Feeling guilty and inadequate and crying continuously are cardinal features of depression.
The things that you wish for...having someone stay with you and having someone who understands and gives you a hug are quite doable, if you contact the right people and let them know how you are feeling.....not the ones around you right now, or your family.
Most people won't understand, if they have not been in your shoes....
People who are specially trained and educated and in positions to help are the ones who will have great understanding....
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Old 03-14-2019, 03:02 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Iris,

I fully understand the way you're feeling just now about everything. Sometimes it seems that it's just too big a mountain to climb and you don't really even know where to start but you have to get help for yourself. It's horrible you're going through this with no support but please seek the help you're needing. I think we all feel kind of helpless as we can only talk to you through this.

I struggle with the same thoughts as you about not being good enough but really it's so not you - it's him. Please do not start thinking those thoughts.

Iris, I can't say this enough - for both your sake and baby's please reach out to the people who are able to help you.
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Old 03-14-2019, 05:22 PM   #27 (permalink)
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I have missed my boyfriend so much... and to know that he disrespected me that way yet again has me feeling like thereís something wrong with me to make him not even love me. Like thatís my mind set now. When I first heard he done that to me I could rationalize that he is just a really bad person. But today I feel like maybe I wasnít good enough? That his son wasnít good enough for him. It just hurts.
I hear this a lot in the Friends and Family of alcoholics thread, when the addict wanders off the other person tends to label themselves as "rejected" or "not good enough".

That's not the truth. You are quite good enough just as you are. The fact that an addict behaved in an appalling way, has absolutely nothing to do with you.

That's all on him. He behaved badly, not because of you or anyone else, he's an addict, he's obviously not thinking clearly in any way or he wouldn't be serving 5 years in jail. That doesn't mean there isn't hope for him, but his lifestyle before going to jail was less than stellar, as you know.

As for your depression. Are you reluctant to get treatment for that? There are a lot of medications now that can help pretty quickly and could alleviate a lot of your anxiety and depression.

What's holding you back? Depression and anxiety are common conditions, no one will think you are "crazy" if that is a concern in reaching out for medical help.

You have reached a point where you don't even want to look after your Son (no blame here by the way, I am not judging you) but if you won't get help for yourself, consider doing it for him. Helping yourself will help both of you.

You're a nice person Iris, you deserve happiness and contentment. Get help and see how much better your life can be without that hanging over your head.
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Old 03-14-2019, 06:09 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Iris....it is understandable for you to want these things. They sound like normal human needs, to me. With the depression...it sounds like your self esteem is on the bottom of the barrel Ö.this is a part of the depression..or, depression certainly makes it sooo much worse.
You were realistic to think that your bf was not a good person for you. He couldn't/wouldn't give you what you need. But, that, in no way devalues ypu or his son. That is on him--not you!
Feeling guilty and inadequate and crying continuously are cardinal features of depression.
The things that you wish for...having someone stay with you and having someone who understands and gives you a hug are quite doable, if you contact the right people and let them know how you are feeling.....not the ones around you right now, or your family.
Most people won't understand, if they have not been in your shoes....
People who are specially trained and educated and in positions to help are the ones who will have great understanding....

I have an appointment to see the therapist again. So thatís a start I suppose. Iím very limited with transportation and a sitter,so I canít get too crazy with plans. I did however get to take a shower and fix my hair,put on make up. Made me feel somewhat better. The fact is Iím not gonna be comfortable until I have someone here to help with the baby. So I donít know. Iíve been trying to have a conversation with my
mother but she doesnít like staying here,so itís difficult. I donít have anyone else. They were so mad at me for considering adoption while I was pregnant but seem to think I should be a functional mother now that heís here. & I donít regret him but I knew it would be tough for me when my boyfriend was a heroin addict who didnít give a damn about me. So now Iím kind of stuck with the pressures of being a good mom and feeling guilty that I considered adoption. I want my son to be happy and I love him so mich,but sometimes I donít feel capable of raising him. Not while Iím so unhappy. Iíd love to change that and raise him but my anxiety is making it hard.
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Old 03-14-2019, 07:04 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Iris...getting an appointment with the therapist IS a start. And, even basic things like taking a shower and putting on makeup can be an accomplishment.
You seem to have little faith in the fact that others, outside of your family can help you.....you say "they, so I assume that it is more than just your mother.
I think that trailmix is trying to point out the obvious---that it is useless to ask people who can't/won't come and stay with you...but, there are others that the social workers CAN get do that.
The therapist can help get a social workerÖ.so can your Gyn, or pediatrician's office. The are familiar with post-partum depression and know how to deal with it. The fact is..you need to tell them the same things that you have told us. Remember that list that I gave you, in another post...? Write that on a piece of paper, so that you can remember all the things to tell them.
If you tell them that you don't feel capable of raising the baby, right now....they will go into action.
The social worker has transportation passes that they can give out, for people that need transportation. There are people who will pick you up for your appointments, etc., with a pass.

I am going to ask you a question...you don't have to answer me...but, I want you to know that it is an option through the social workers....would you like the baby to be in Temporary foster care, for a while...while you get the necessary treatment, and feel better? Just tell your Gyn, or therapist, or a social worker that they find for you....and, that can be a workable option....They can , also, get parenting classes during that time....which will increase your confidence in caring for him, enormously....
There are options, for you....
There is relief from the depression/anxiety....with or without medication!

There are options to help you, Iris.....
You might as well quit asking your family...
That is like going to the hardware store to get a loaf of bred....you would be very disappointed....
By the way...how long is it until the therapist appointment?
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Old 03-15-2019, 09:17 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Hey Iris, how is your day going? If your therapy appointment today?
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Old 03-15-2019, 04:18 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Hey Iris, how is your day going? If your therapy appointment today?

just a bit lonely but Iím doing okay I suppose. My therapy appointment will be next week. Trying not to let my mind go to a negative place but it has been difficult. Feel like I make things worse than what they are. My son is healthy and growing great according to his pediatrician,so I donít know why Iím so down on myself. Just something I have to work out with my therapist I guess. Thank you for asking about me.
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Old 03-15-2019, 08:31 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Iris....that is good news from the pediatrician, about the baby! I sure hope that you can open up to the therapist about your feelings....please don't hold back. think of her as a good friend in your corner....talk to her like you would a girlfriend...
You know, a lot of times, when new mothers feel this crappy with depression and anxiety, they say that they feel so guilty and ashamed that they are not brimming with happiness and joy....like they feel is expected of them...they tend to try to put on a "good face" to the outside world. That can make everything soo much harder, because that makes them feel so alone with their feelings....
I am glad if you can, at least, be open with us, here, on the forum, because there will be no judgment.....just the desire to help....
I think it is understandable for you to feel lonely...because I believe that you are grieving the way thing have gone with the relationship with the boyfriend. That was not what you ever expected to happen...especially after the pregnancy.....a hard thing to bear and accept, I know....
Now that the weekend is here...it might be nice to put your idea of attending the church across the street, into effect.....Just getting out of the house for a while can make a person feel a little better.....
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Old 03-15-2019, 08:33 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Oh you're welcome, we care about you!

So your son is healthy and thriving, that's a great thing and that's because of you, so maybe take a moment to let that sink in. You are pretty hard on yourself and this is something you can really be proud of. Don't think i'm being patronizing either. Again, despite what is portrayed on TV, being a first time Mother is a real challenge.

I remember with my child not getting any sleep lol - seriously, the child rarely slept at all. So my focus became him and me, keeping as rested as possible and fed. That's really the main deal there and you are obviously taking good care of him.

As for you, you will get help from your therapist next week and that will be a relief for you. In the meantime, as hard as it is, try to keep positive. You know that little guy is going to grow fast. Soon he won't be completely reliant on you. He will be able to entertain himself with toys and eat cheerios and he will amuse you by interacting with you. This happens fast, a few months from now.

In the meantime, if you need a break, that is something you can discuss with your therapist or a social worker or your doctor. You don't have to make any big decisions right now, just a discussion to see what your options are.

Do you feel trapped? You really aren't you know, you do have options, never forget that. As we mention, tons of people trained and happy to help you, take that help.
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Old 03-16-2019, 03:16 AM   #34 (permalink)
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Hi iris,

As both Dandylion and Trailmix have said, that's great news that your babyis thriving, which as you know, is all down to you.

It's also true about how hard and challenging it can be being a first time mum. Finding it difficult is no reason to feel shame. Trailmix is right when she says the baby will grow quickly and begin doing little things himself and you can start interacting with him.

Great that you're seeing your therapist soon. I'm sure you'll begin to feel much better once that starts. Is Dandylion's suggestion of getting over to the church this weekend something you think you could get round to? I'm sure it would do you a power of good if you did manage to go.

You're doing well. Please keep us updated.
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Old 03-17-2019, 03:08 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Happy St. Patrick's day Iris and son. Did you go over to the church today? If so, how did that go.

New week about to start and you have your therapy appointment which will be such a relief.

You mentioned before that your BF calls a couple of times a week but that you were thinking of breaking up with him? How are you dealing with that? I know breakups are very difficult, even if the relationship hasn't been the best. Always remember that things will get better, sometimes things seem so dark but one day you will look back and wonder why it seemed so dark (happens to all of us pretty much).

How are you coping today?
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