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How did I let myself get this low?

Old 02-06-2019, 11:49 AM
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How did I let myself get this low?

I know that I am at a point of needing help. My depression, anxiety and general lack of desire to do anything is scary. I know what I need to do but the strength to get out and get help seems out of reach. His crack addiction is not going to change. I canít love him enough, understand him enough or forgive him enough. My head spins with all the lies and betrayals. I just need to take a step in the direction of healing ME. I think putting my thoughts in writing is at least a small step in the right direction.
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Old 02-06-2019, 02:02 PM
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Keep posting your thoughts. It really helps to get your thoughts out in writing and be able to express your feelings.
Being here is a great start. You will find lots of support and help when you reach out.
Stay close!♡
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Old 02-06-2019, 03:31 PM
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Yes, keep posting! You will find the strength, you need to trust in that. Baby steps.

Having a plan will help ground you. What do you want to do? Perhaps if you tell us what you think you would like to do there will be suggestions of a plan to help get you there.
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Old 02-06-2019, 05:59 PM
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Thank you for your replies. I need to work towards healing from the last decade of living with someone in active addition and before that a decade of living with a narcissistic abuser. Both have taken a toll on my self esteem and my mental health is in need of repair. I need to find a job and start trying to discover what Iím good at besides people pleasing and enabling. If you look up co-dependent, Iím pretty sure my picture is there! I have let myself become consumed in so much negativity. I believe the first step would be just finding positive things to put in my head as a way to force out the negative nonsense that Iíve been filling it up with. I have a rather large hole to dig myself out of. I think sometimes Iím overwhelmed and find it easier to wallow in self pity. Iím just being as honest as I can be.
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Old 02-09-2019, 08:27 AM
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Keep posting. And reading. I never joined Naranon or other group, but I found a lot of good advice here. I bought the book a lot of people talk about here (Copendent themed) and it was good, but unfortunately I lost the book and didn't finish it. What I read was helpful.

I found that I'm fine with sharing anger, but I'm not so great at sharing feelings of pain, being scared, etc. with anyone.

A couple of years ago, I really thought I was losing my mind with worry about and being focused on "fixing" my son. I finally had to realize that I could not fix him, which I always knew in my head but not in my heart. That was a very low time for me. I'd spend days in bed, not knowing where my son was, worrying if he was dead, alive. I used to pray to God that if my son was going to die from his addiction, then please just take him. Now. End his pain. Let him go to heaven with his grandfather, or let him be reborn and have a new chance at a happy life.

What helped me so much with coping was meditation. I forced my self to go every Saturday for a guided meditation, and I became friendly with the woman who owned the business w/ her husband, and she was wonderful. Sadly, they closed the shop and moved back to Napal, but they were very special people.
Sometimes I'd go there during my lunch hour and just talk to her. One day I was so upset and started crying, so she actually locked the door and we went into the meditation room and she talked to me and got me calm. What an angel!

Then I was cleaning out some old "trinkets" and found a rosary. I started to pray the rosary every day, for strength - for me and for my son.

One day when I was so low, I just cold called a therapist's office near my house, and asked if anyone had an available appointment. No research, no referral. And I got so lucky to have been seen by someone who I clicked with right away, and I still see her every so often.

Maybe one or more of these ideas will appeal to you.
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Old 02-09-2019, 05:35 PM
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I believe the first step would be just finding positive things to put in my head as a way to force out the negative nonsense that Iíve been filling it up with.
That's a darn good way to start. The book GreenChair was referring to is "Codependent No More", perhaps the one book that helped many of us most. It is well written in language clearly understood and the first time I read it, I wanted royalties, because it was as if she was writing ab out me and my dysfunctional life. Libraries carry it as well as book stores, maybe get a copy for yourself and see if it doesn't help you like it helped many of us.

Meetings helped me a lot too, CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) was my home group and I occasionally went to Al-anon as well. These fellowships are about US and our recovery and not about our addicted loved ones at all. It helped me understand why I was the way I was and gave me a good path to take to heal and move on to a healthier, happier life.

If your depression continues it may be good to see a counselor or your doctor as well. It could be more than the scars of bad relationships and there is no shame in asking for help.

Good luck, keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
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