Emotionally Battered by Being Trapped in this Relationship - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 02-04-2019, 01:55 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Emotionally Battered by Being Trapped in this Relationship


I have posted earlier last year about my partner's drug addiction. Fast forward to today, and my spouse continues on her roller coaster addiction. She has lost her job to drug use. Has used physical threats at me, hit me, spit on me, has hit our toddler, has bit out toddler, totaled the family car twice, but was never charger with DWI. She has gone to NA starting in the beginning of the month. During this time she has been unintelligibly high twice in January. That is a huge step considering the previous months. However, she increasingly hostile to me and blames me for everything that goes wrong. She does this in front of our toddler. She hits the toddler for no reason and when i tell her to stop she says you dont get to tell me what to do **** you. In front of our toddler. She is completely unapproachable. I want to separate, get some space for my own sake and our toddlers. I met with an attorney today, and laid the facts out that, Unless I have proof she is a danger to our child, I will need to separate and give her custody. I have audio recordings of her attacking, videos of her intoxicated around the kids, videos of the pills, pictures of texts of her purchasing from her dealer, photos of bruises from hitting on our child. He says all not proof that she is a danger. He basically said she is the mother and is presumed to be the qualified caretaker. I have taken care of our child and done everything, from taking care of her when she is sick, baths, waking up at night putting to bed, waking up in the morning. Everything. Our child is glued to me, like as if I were the traditional mother. I am heartbroken to know that if I leave, I will leave my precious angel behind in a toxic environment. That my wife will inflict so much pain in our childs life. I fear. I feel powerless. I feel trapped. I feel I have failed our child. I feel that I am abandoning her. And the courts will do nothing but punish me. I just need to vent to someone and have no one else to talk to. Every horrible thing my wife's addiction has brought to our household makes me feel like this is my darkest hour and my life can't devolve into chaos any further. And again, I find myself ina darker lonelier more painful place. Thanks for reading.
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Old 02-04-2019, 01:59 PM   #2 (permalink)
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you need a different lawyer! hitting and biting a child? did you call the cops? every time? please do not abandon the child to that dangerous abusive person. fight. don't give up or give in.
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Old 02-04-2019, 03:36 PM   #3 (permalink)
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It would be wise to call the police on your wife if she EVER abuses your child again. That is sick behavior
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Old 02-04-2019, 04:31 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Maybe I have this wrong but is this child not actually yours? Are you not a biological or adoptive parent?

If not, the lawyer probably has a point.

Aside from that, it is imperative that you get help for the child. If he/she is yours (legally) as well, you should leave with the child right away and seek help at a domestic abuse center. They will guide you, they will help you with making the reports, they will be able to refer you to organizations that can help you. If you have no domestic abuse centers in your area, you can call them:

https://www.thehotline.org/contact/

If you can't get immediate help from them, you should certainly be calling the police and reporting it.

Is there extended family that can step in? The Father (if you are not), the Grandparents?
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Old 02-04-2019, 07:51 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Maybe I have this wrong but is this child not actually yours? Are you not a biological or adoptive parent?

If not, the lawyer probably has a point.

Aside from that, it is imperative that you get help for the child. If he/she is yours (legally) as well, you should leave with the child right away and seek help at a domestic abuse center. They will guide you, they will help you with making the reports, they will be able to refer you to organizations that can help you. If you have no domestic abuse centers in your area, you can call

If you can't get immediate help from them, you should certainly be calling the police and reporting it.

Is there extended family that can step in? The Father (if you are not), the Grandparents?

I am the biological father. We are living together and I have all parentless rights for the child as we are still married and the child is mine. The wife's family is in deep denial of her problems and accuses me of being at fault for not supporting my wife. They will not help. My family is not local and is of little assistance although they are supportive of me.

the lawyer is very matter of fact about my lack of options. The domestic abuse hotline is a great start, and I will contact them for advise. I will contact the police,although most of the time my wife doesnt leave bruises or Mark's on either myself or our child. I fear she will turn the tables on me and accuse me of abuse. She has threatened me several times that she would.
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Old 02-04-2019, 08:16 PM   #6 (permalink)
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If you have all the evidence you say you do, I would contact another attorney. The days of the mother always getting custody are over. If you have proof she is abusing the child, then make sure it is in a safe place, contact the domestic violence hotline and let them help you and your child get away safely. You are NOT trapped! Your child needs your help!
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Old 02-04-2019, 08:46 PM   #7 (permalink)
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If you have all the evidence you say you do, I would contact another attorney. The days of the mother always getting custody are over. If you have proof she is abusing the child, then make sure it is in a safe place, contact the domestic violence hotline and let them help you and your child get away safely. You are NOT trapped! Your child needs your help!

I thought the same thing. I am not in the states, I'm in Canada so I'm not sure how the laws work here. The thought from the attorney is since she is now been seemingly sober the past 4 weeks that she is no longer a danger and since I didn't call the cops when the abused happened it will not hold up in court that she is a danger. That's one of the reasons I feel so cornered. I was afraid if I called the cops she would somehow make more outrageous accusations about me....and I was also trying to work with her to get help. Clearly it was a poor choice as I exposed my child to this awful behavior and now it's at the expense of their own safety and future well being. I am sickened by this all. As the other poster suggested, I will call the abuse hotline and go over things with them tomorrow. Hopefully they can meet with me and give me guidance.
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Old 02-05-2019, 07:12 AM   #8 (permalink)
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klekota, I am also a Canadian. I raised my family in Canada, (although I now live in the US). I know of SEVERAL cases where Canadian fathers got custody of their children when the mother was unfit. One was a case of a woman I worked with losing custody of her daughter to the father. In that case, the mother was "just" drinking too much but never physically abusing the child.. however the father still got custody because an intoxicated or passed out mother is indeed a negligent and unfit parent! Your case involves physical , verbal and emotional abuse, I can not see a sane authority not seeing reason.

I hope you get good advice from the abuse hotline. I hope they give you some solid resources to pursue. Please let us know what they say. Your answers could help someone else in your situation.

Of course I don't know where in Canada you are or if you have Indigenous ancestry, but often times their are resources available through various First Nation groups.
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Old 02-05-2019, 08:58 AM   #9 (permalink)
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klekota, I am also a Canadian. I raised my family in Canada, (although I now live in the US). I know of SEVERAL cases where Canadian fathers got custody of their children when the mother was unfit. One was a case of a woman I worked with losing custody of her daughter to the father. In that case, the mother was "just" drinking too much but never physically abusing the child.. however the father still got custody because an intoxicated or passed out mother is indeed a negligent and unfit parent! Your case involves physical , verbal and emotional abuse, I can not see a sane authority not seeing reason.

I hope you get good advice from the abuse hotline. I hope they give you some solid resources to pursue. Please let us know what they say. Your answers could help someone else in your situation.

Of course I don't know where in Canada you are or if you have Indigenous ancestry, but often times their are resources available through various First Nation groups.
I am originally from the states and moved up north quite a while ago for my family. The high powered attorney I consulted with stated that the evidence I have can't be submitted and it will inevitably be my word against hers. I am going to call the hotline and post back.
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Old 02-05-2019, 11:08 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I know a lot of high powered $1500.00 an hour lawyers who are great at corporate law, real estate law, estate planning but not so great when it comes to “family law” even though they charge the same. You want someone who specializes in family law, custody issues, supervised visit issues. someone with a lot of experience in these matters.
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Old 02-05-2019, 06:12 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I know a lot of high powered $1500.00 an hour lawyers who are great at corporate law, real estate law, estate planning but not so great when it comes to “family law” even though they charge the same. You want someone who specializes in family law, custody issues, supervised visit issues. someone with a lot of experience in these matters.
agreed. This person solely practices in family law. I spoke with local legal aid at the courthouse today and they gave me a vastly more positive outlook. Same facts but different thoughts on my ability to protect our child. They recommended getting counsel locally and I will do so in the coming weeks.
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Old 02-05-2019, 06:23 PM   #12 (permalink)
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agreed. This person solely practices in family law. I spoke with local legal aid at the courthouse today and they gave me a vastly more positive outlook. Same facts but different thoughts on my ability to protect our child. They recommended getting counsel locally and I will do so in the coming weeks.
That's great! I'm glad you called them.
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