Court today
 

I'm so incredibly depressed.

I must have gotten the strictest judge there is. Or maybe there's another word for it. I won't say.

After nearly 6 months of battling me in court over positive urine drug tests which he insisted were false, and failures to appear for testing (for which he always had some elaborate reason) my ex stipulated to hair follicle drug testing, and supervised visitation. It took something really awful, and a whole lot of evidence stacked against him, to finally make this agreement.

Today he took me to court because he believes the hair follicle drug tests are faulty, too. My attorney insisted that there was no substantial change of circumstances, so it's not legal for him to seek a modification.

This judge.

He's going to allow my ex to bring in an "expert witness" to testify as to how the drug tests can be false.

The circus continues.

I just wish he'd leave me alone. He's hardly even exercising his visitation, he's not paying child support. This is all out of revenge. This is abuse. How can I suddenly be right back where I was when this all started?

At least the visits will remain supervised until then. But this is awful. This is not okay.

I feel like this judge is abusing me even more than him. How can he keep letting this go on? My attorney insists that he's letting him dig his own grave. I don't think so. I think he's just giving him another chance. I just want out of all this.

The first thing that popped into my head is if he can cough up money for an expert witness, it should easy for him to cough up money for the child support. I'd love to find out the expert witness's rate. If he/she is doing it pro bono, what is the personal connection? And what are the qualifications of this expert witness to begin with?

Second thought, what is your judge's track record on cases like yours?

No advice or comments from me. Just: :grouphug:

HCD, I'm so sorry for ALL that is happening in your situation. You must feel so exhausted.

I hope with every fiber of my being that this is indeed a case of the judge giving your ex enough rope....

Hang in there. *hug*

I cannot even imagine. You are in my prayers friend!

reads more like the judge is giving him due process of law but also setting him up. hes not gonna be able to grab the closest crackhead and call him an "expert witness." the ''expert witness" is going to have proof that he/she is an "expert witness" as in probably someone that does hair follicle testing on a regular basis.
id think your atty would know the judges tendencies and this probably isnt the first time the judge has had this situation.

Keep your chin up, HCD! I know from my own frustrating court experiences this pressure of feeling you are having to fight so hard to keep your children safe. It. Is. Exhausting. Be kind to yourself, this is a long war and you have what it takes to endure the battles. My two cents, he will eventually fade completely out of your life.

ridiculous judge!

it's crazy that this is never ending for you. These decisions are supposed to be based on the best interests of the child. And for so many obvious reasons, the ex, drug abuse, and prolonged court is NOT!

PS, with apologies. I usually see this site on a real computer. Today, on my phone I tried to THANK someone for a post I agreed with and it turns out I was reporting the post. I think I backed out of it without completing. Sorry!!!!!

Update: My attorney called yesterday to let me know his attorney says they are unable to find an expert witness to testify that his results are false. She feels confident that we can get this dismissed, get attorney's fees, and get him to stipulate an agreement that he owes me X amount (for unpaid spousal, child support, positive drug tests he was supposed to reimburse me for... etc.)

So I guess that's good news.

But then, I don't know.

I feel blessed, really and truly best. My kids are safe, I have a nice home, I love my job (most of the time).

But I'm told so often to "smile". I'm asked, "What's wrong?" And I'm getting really frustrated. I kind of lashed out recently at this woman who has really been doing this to me constantly. I was just walking to my car and didn't happen to notice she was there, and she said, "SMILE!" I told her, "This is my face! I'm actually pretty happy! I'm fine!!!"

But maybe I'm not fine. You know what? Maybe this is all kinda getting to me. I've been emotionally abused for years, and divorcing my narcissistic ex only served to make the abuse worse. I live my life in fear that he will take my kids away, kill me, frame me. He never leaves me alone for long. He's always coming at me with something new. And the police, and victim services, and even my attorneys have been little help. My newest attorney is the best I've had yet, but she's basically taken the position that I need to do everything I can to refute his accusations of "parental alienation". Play nice. She says the more I try to show convince the court he's a danger to our kids, the more I run the risk of losing custody. But he IS a danger, To them and to me.

I'm being told to smile even when I think I'm already smiling. And I get angry at people for saying something, because I think to myself, "This is my normal. There is nothing wrong. Leave me alone." But maybe there's just no way to truly be happy when this is my normal?

I just feel like I had a revelation today that they're all right. I'm really, really unhappy. I feel like I've forgotten how to be.

Hechoseddrugs…..I have had people say that to me...."Smile!"...when I was going through some serious issues. It is extraordinarily irritating. Normally, people are used to me to being a sunny smiling person.
I discovered the perfect solution.....for when someone was so stupid and oblivious......I would look straight at them and say "Shut Up!" or I would say "F---- Yourself". That felt sooo good, and put an end to that.....
Try it.....

Hi HCD, your latest post really resonated with me because I absolutely hate it when people tell me to 'smile'. When I find a proper come-back, I will let you know. Now you've snapped at that woman she'll probably think she's vindicated and that you are a grump. You have had so much to put up with, maybe your face does reflect the strain, but that's no reason for others to be thoughtless.

BTW, have you heard the term Resting Bitch Face? It it kinda insulting, and aimed at females, but means someone who can be off with the clouds and still look grumpy. I'm pretty sure I have one, but when people get to know me better they realise that I'm not constantly cross. I have made a bit of an effort to say something light to people in case I'm scaring them and have been surprised at the positive response. I suppose I shouldn't be, but sometimes we can retreat inside ourselves and not realise we're doing so.

I wonder if you're getting to the point where you can take action against your EXAH as a vexatious litigant? You have many points stacked against him, and you need the peace.

Stay alert; at some point if you're correct, he will overstep the boundaries and you can get him.

Dandy, I'm shocked!:dee

FeelingGreat…...LOl….yes, those people were shocked, also. People are always shocked when I say something like that....because it is a very rare event for me to establish such firm boundaries.....
I say "boundaries" because it is controlling in the extreme when someone, out of the blue, just demands that you "Smile!". At minimum, it shows that they have poor recognition of social cues and poor communication skills....

LOL, Dandylion! I'm shocked as well! But I have to admit, I've been quite tempted to use some expletives as well.

Uggh.

I know people mean well, but. Just. Leave. Me. Alone.!

They don't have a clue what I'm going through, and they have no right to direct what I do with my face.

And this new girl at my work just won't stop trying to dig into what happened with my ex-husband. Clearly, she's heard rumors. I keep telling her it's all very personal and I'd rather not get into it. The fact is, the few people I have told never seem to believe me. He's so crazy, and has made everything so complicated, that my story is really quite unbelievable. And I think the hardest part for people to wrap their heads around is how the police in our county could be so incompetent that they've allowed all this to continue. But they are. Oh, boy, they certainly are.

Thanks everyone.

Just last night I was at a meeting with several people. To be fair, the meeting was at a corner table and we were having a couple glasses of wine. I was friends with a couple of people there, and just acquaintances with a couple of others.

The meeting was over and talk turned to things about our kids, etc. And to be fair, there was some amount of gossip. Just telling the truth. I did not have much to say, but I did listen. That being said, one woman who I don't know very well was gushing on and on about my X husband and how blessed we are to have him in our group and how talented he is. She had no idea he is my Xhusband. That being said, I started laughing. I had a couple glasses of wine, and I just could not. Here is this prim and proper doctors wife gushing about my piece of crap XAH...who she does not know at all. I laughed my head off, promptly got up, said that he is the biggest piece of sh*t that has ever existed, and that you can just ask my children all about how wonderful he is and they will gladly tell you. And I walked out.

Now, this is totally unlike me. Normally I play nice, and I don't air our dirty laundry to others. After some recent things that have happened w/XAH, this just pushed me over the edge.

My point here is that most of the time, I am fine. Just because I am fine does not equate I am happy. It's also not really anyone else's business. I often have RBF and my daughter does too. We know this. It's ok.

And, it's dang well to just tell people to butt the hell out.

From your friend who was pushed just a little too far last night! :scared:

Huge hugs!

I hear ya, Hopeful! I remember when someone I had just met put two and two together and realized who my ex-husband was. "Oh, he's your ex-husband? Oh, well he's a real stand-up guy!" And I mean, I guess he is, aside from the child molestation, exposing his kids to drugs, horribly neglecting them, surrounding them with criminals, theft. Stand-up guy. Yeah. I would have loved to have corrected her in that moment, but I've learned that people really want to believe his facade, and telling them the truth only makes me look like a liar. So I just smiled and said, "Yes, EX-husband." At least the "ex" part gave me a little peace.

Update:
Went to court. He wasn't there. Sat down with my attorney. His attorney showed up and sat behind us. Said, "I've got nothing. We're going to dismiss." My attorney started chatting with me about her cold. "I've got the worst cotton mouth," she said. "Must be the antihistamines I'm taking." His attorney starts cracking up. "Oh, don't take antihistamines," he said. "They might make you test positive for meth!" They both started laughing. Wow. His attorney just straight up made fun of him. Then he said, "Well, I might as well leave. You can handle this on your own." My attorney dismissed the case. She asked the court to "reserve jurisdiction for attorney's fees", which she says means if he files another frivolous motion the court can award the fees incurred during this one, as well as the next.
I'd like to think he's learned his lesson, but I know he hasn't.
He also hasn't been showing up to visits, and has been telling the kids it's because he "has to work". He collects VA disability, SSDI, and his girlfriend gets $800 a month for being his "caregiver" because he is so "unable" to work (not true, of course, he's just a con artist). He is seriously so sick. I hate that he gets away with emotionally abusing them like this.

I am glad this ended well. Having pulled this once, it is unlikely he will be taken seriously on anything else he pulls.

You rose above it with grace. Good for you.

When people ask me personal questions that I don't want to answer or discuss, I tell them once "That is something personal that I don't want to discuss" and then offer complete silence if they continue to push. It works. Walking away helps too.

Just keep believing in yourself and you will get through all of this. He has proven himself a fool, nobody has to justify that.

Hugs

Good grief. At least you know his own attorney sees through his BS. Maybe he will just stop all communication and you can all move on with your lives. We can only hope!!!!

Huge hugs!