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Need advice,badly. Can someone tell me the best way to cut ties with a very toxic individual addicted to heroin? First I apologize for being a broken record over the past few months. I have relied heavily on this site to get me through some of my worst moments,and it’s really been a blessing to have people understand where I’m coming from. I know some of you are aware of my situation,but for anyone who isn’t,my on and off again boyfriend is a heroin addict. I think he’s really just addicted to anything that gets him high. But heroin is his favorite. He has put me through pure hell over the past few months especially and I am mentally exhausted. I am so exhausted,I can’t stress it enough. I’m 34 weeks pregnant today and I have been so stressed and sad that I know my baby must feel it. It’s not something I can help. It’s just how things are right now and I’m so sick of dealing with it. Like I really love him and I have tried so hard to support him through his problems but he has not once reciprocated any of the love and care that I have given him. It’s like he drains me until I have nothing left. & that’s kinda where I’m at now. I got in contact with him after he went missing. He called,told me he would be at my house soon in his typical best mood voice. He gets here and then after two days of staying seemingly clean from any drug,he leaves to another rehab place... where he stayed for a week. He then calls to tell me that he will be by my house in 20 minutes. Again,he’s always in the best mood when he arrives. He stayed 30 minutes then left with shady people to go get high,I’m sure. But we argued before that because I honestly am exhausted with his repetitive bull crap and the way he just never takes it serious. The way that I am always the one dealing with the baby finances and how I’m stressed with how I’m going to be working and taking care of a baby and he just does not care. I’m so done. I can’t. He left and I told him I was done but I know he will show back up as always. I’m always the one he comes running to because I’ve always been his care giver. Basically looking out for him to make sure he’s fed and safe. He runs to me. But I’m tired of crying and I’m tired of stressing and I need to just get away from him. I don’t know anymore what to do or how strong I am when it comes to this & even now I worry because who knows if he will be okay or not. I’m so scared for his safety. Will someone please tell me I’m doing the right thing? Tell me that I’m better off and that I’ll be alright? Something. I’m so aggravated I feel like this is never ending. |
You’re doing the right thing. You’re better off and you will be all right. How do you break ties? You start by accepting that he is not the person, boyfriend, father of your child you want him to be. He has shown you who he is repeatedly. You must accept that. Soon you will have a baby who is completely dependent upon you for everything. You will not have room in your life for some one who is unable to prioritize anything over his high right now. he will get better or he won’t, but your baby doesn’t have time to wait for it. |
Block his calls. If he comes to your home, do not let him in. Continuing to talk to him and letting him come over tells him you are not serious about being done. If you are done, then BE done. No more contact what so ever! |
I've got advice on how to leave an addict, whether you should put their name on the birth certificate, whether you should stick around or get the heck out of dodge and travel as far across the country as you can manage, oh man do I have advice. And I love giving it just as much as I love giving my opinions. Man, do I love giving my opinions! But that's not what we're here for. We're here to support you. Gosh, I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. My ex struggled with an addiction to painkillers before and during my pregnancy, but it wasn't until after I gave birth that he started his downward spiral with meth and cocaine. That's when things really got awful. So I can't relate to having to go through that during pregnancy, all I can say is I am so incredibly sorry that you are. I have had a heck of time battling him in family court. It literally took my 7-year-old son testing positive for meth for the judge to finally take action. I even had statements from witnesses that the children were terrified of him, and that one of my boys said ex had told him he was going to kill me. Didn't matter. Everything's all about joint custody, parental rights, drug abuse does not necessarily equal child abuse, yada yada yada. We have a court date this Tuesday. He's asking to have his 50/50 visitation rights reinstated because... I don't really know... I mean, he's still testing positive for drugs, and he's missed the majority of his supervised visits. And you know what? I wouldn't be surprised if it's granted. And maybe the judge will throw him a parade, too. Yay non-child support paying, sporadic visiting, drug addicted dad. Woohoo. Oh man, do I have opinions. I'm glad you've been posting here, and hope you'll take a read around. I wish I had done this from the beginning, when I first saw the signs of drug abuse. When we learn from each other's stories, we start to see the patterns of the addict, and that our special snowflakes aren't as unique as we thought they were. The manipulation, the deception, the betrayal- it's all common. A quote that has been helpful to me: "Marriage is not a mutual suicide pact" |
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
(Post 7109573)
You’re doing the right thing. You’re better off and you will be all right. How do you break ties? You start by accepting that he is not the person, boyfriend, father of your child you want him to be. He has shown you who he is repeatedly. You must accept that. Soon you will have a baby who is completely dependent upon you for everything. You will not have room in your life for some one who is unable to prioritize anything over his high right now. he will get better or he won’t, but your baby doesn’t have time to wait for it. Thank you. I’ve been trying to focus on other things in my life besides him but it’s hard when I truly do love him. I just know that he’s not gonna change anytime soon and I know I have to accept that. He doesn’t care about anything but drugs,so. Why do I waste my time crying over him? I don’t know. I just wanna feel okay again. :( |
Originally Posted by suki44883
(Post 7109578)
Block his calls. If he comes to your home, do not let him in. Continuing to talk to him and letting him come over tells him you are not serious about being done. If you are done, then BE done. No more contact what so ever! He always calls me under private so I never know where he’s calling from,but I am definitely about to put my foot down and keep him away from here. He keeps making me so depressed...just keep getting my hopes up. :( |
Just don't answer any private calls Iris. I agree, you need to cut ties with him as a matter of survival. With 6 weeks to go, the last thing you need is this continuing anxiety about his whereabouts. Now's the time to circle the wagons and get ready for a new life. |
Originally Posted by Iris1
(Post 7109681)
He always calls me under private so I never know where he’s calling from, I know how exhausting and heart breaking it is to go through a pregnancy with addiction in the mix. It sucks, it isn't fair to you or the baby. It robs you of the preciousness you should be experiencing...And I know it isn't as easy as to just not think about it, addiction is all consuming even when it isn't our own, when we let it be. That's our disease of codependence and it's brutal. But we can change that. It isn't easy but it is doable. I think you are taking the right first steps, you are asking for advice and support from people who truly do understand... you are going to try to not let your addict keep pulling the same crap on you over and over. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior and you know very well what his pattern is. It is NOT going to miraculously change. But YOU can. -You can keep reaching for support. -You can stop trying to understand him, impossible and exhausting. -You can immerse yourself in baby books, websites, preparing your home. Focus on Precious-Baby, NOT man-baby -You can try redirecting your thoughts when they get dark. I literally stood in front of a mirror and told myself to "Stop it, just "effing" STOP IT" when I was thinking in bad circles. Iris, I know you are so, so very sad right now, but try to focus on what is good and bright about that beautiful child you are about to have. Mamas are the strongest creatures on the planet. You got this. |
I never know where he’s calling from, but I am definitely about to put my foot down and keep him away from here. |
You can't be in a relationship with an addict. He already has a lover-heroin. And you can't complete with that. You will survive and find someone new. Trust me on this. |
in his addict/user mind you are really just a Motel 6....a place to go after the "fun" is over, to crash, shower, eat and rest up for the next run. he isn't running to you like a lost little boy finding his way home.....he hits you up cuz you let him in. trust me, you are NOT the only option.... somehow you went from loving a man, or the man you thought you knew, into making yourself responsible for his well being. you are not. it is not your job, it never was your job. you HAVE to put the baby first. his dad may be a flake, uncaring, unconcerned, but his MOM loves him and wants only the best for him, and will move heaven and earth to provide him with a safe happy life. |
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
(Post 7110016)
This is secretive and manipulative. It is the kind of deceptive , self-serving crap active addicts pull to keep on keeping on. You don't have to play along... I hope you choose not to. Please don't answer his calls, or "private" calls, if it's something important like a doctor or the bank etc, they will leave a message for you to call them back. I know how exhausting and heart breaking it is to go through a pregnancy with addiction in the mix. It sucks, it isn't fair to you or the baby. It robs you of the preciousness you should be experiencing...And I know it isn't as easy as to just not think about it, addiction is all consuming even when it isn't our own, when we let it be. That's our disease of codependence and it's brutal. But we can change that. It isn't easy but it is doable. I think you are taking the right first steps, you are asking for advice and support from people who truly do understand... you are going to try to not let your addict keep pulling the same crap on you over and over. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior and you know very well what his pattern is. It is NOT going to miraculously change. But YOU can. -You can keep reaching for support. -You can stop trying to understand him, impossible and exhausting. -You can immerse yourself in baby books, websites, preparing your home. Focus on Precious-Baby, NOT man-baby -You can try redirecting your thoughts when they get dark. I literally stood in front of a mirror and told myself to "Stop it, just "effing" STOP IT" when I was thinking in bad circles. Iris, I know you are so, so very sad right now, but try to focus on what is good and bright about that beautiful child you are about to have. Mamas are the strongest creatures on the planet. You got this. Thank you. I cry almost everyday honestly. It has taken a huge toll on me,few people realize all the pain he has put me through. I use to be happy an he has zapped it all from me. I tried hard thinking if I supported him and loved him he would try harder to get off drugs. It didn’t work,and now I’m too tired. The lies,the stealing,the possible infidelity & just the plain disrespect he has showed me tells me he doesn’t care. I have cried today too. I have this site but that’s it. I don’t leave my house very often and I’m off work until I have the baby. I talked to his mom and I think she is going to try to get him put back in jail. Maybe this is petty or maybe its not. Maybe some people feel like that’s trying to force him into sobriety but he has already almost died last month from a fentynl overdose. I was the unlucky one who got to find him turning purple and had to call the ambulance. I can’t deal with it anymore. He has a warrant and will be looking at 3 to 5 years for trafficking. The worry I feel every time he leaves is overwhelming. This is too much for me.. I miss being happy. I miss not knowing him or having to worry about him. Ive been trying to focus on getting things ready for the baby but the baby reminds me of him & then I think about how lonely it’d going to be to raise it on my own and otskese even more depressed. It’s like a vicious cycle. It’s horrible and I dont know how to stop it. :( |
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
(Post 7110139)
in his addict/user mind you are really just a Motel 6....a place to go after the "fun" is over, to crash, shower, eat and rest up for the next run. he isn't running to you like a lost little boy finding his way home.....he hits you up cuz you let him in. trust me, you are NOT the only option.... somehow you went from loving a man, or the man you thought you knew, into making yourself responsible for his well being. you are not. it is not your job, it never was your job. you HAVE to put the baby first. his dad may be a flake, uncaring, unconcerned, but his MOM loves him and wants only the best for him, and will move heaven and earth to provide him with a safe happy life. I agree. I feel like that’s exactly what I am. a place for him to sleep and eat,then leave again. & I’m sick of it. Thank you for helping bring that home to me. Some days I feel like I lose touch with the rational side of things because I care for him. |
Originally Posted by Iris1
(Post 7110390)
Thank you. I cry almost everyday honestly. It has taken a huge toll on me,few people realize all the pain he has put me through. I use to be happy an he has zapped it all from me. I tried hard thinking if I supported him and loved him he would try harder to get off drugs. It didn’t work,and now I’m too tired. The lies,the stealing,the possible infidelity & just the plain disrespect he has showed me tells me he doesn’t care. I have cried today too. I have this site but that’s it. I don’t leave my house very often and I’m off work until I have the baby. I talked to his mom and I think she is going to try to get him put back in jail. Maybe this is petty or maybe its not. Maybe some people feel like that’s trying to force him into sobriety but he has already almost died last month from a fentynl overdose. I was the unlucky one who got to find him turning purple and had to call the ambulance. I can’t deal with it anymore. He has a warrant and will be looking at 3 to 5 years for trafficking. The worry I feel every time he leaves is overwhelming. This is too much for me.. I miss being happy. I miss not knowing him or having to worry about him. Ive been trying to focus on getting things ready for the baby but the baby reminds me of him & then I think about how lonely it’d going to be to raise it on my own and otskese even more depressed. It’s like a vicious cycle. It’s horrible and I dont know how to stop it. :( Makes me* Sorry for the typos. |
Do you love HIM or do you love the IDEA of him? Vastly different. Do you love a drug addict who uses you, has this negative effect on you, is unreliable and offers you no emotional support? Or do you love the IDEA of who he could be? Your baby is coming in a few weeks and you need to focus on him or her. A baby is supposed to be utterly dependent, and self-absorbed. An adult is not. Take care of yourself and your child. Forget him, because you don't really have him. |
Originally Posted by Iris1
(Post 7110431)
Some days I feel like I lose touch with the rational side of things because I care for him. I'm sure you have been conditioned to some degree in to thinking this, by the addict and by other people. - Well just leave him! - He isn't that bad is he? - Why do you put up with that? - Well he IS the Father of your child so you will have to put up with him forever anyway Ever heard any of those? Those are guaranteed to have your resolve and your courage and self-esteem plummeting. You are not a victim here, that is the kind of thinking you need to overcome. That's not your fault, you haven't done anything "wrong", it's just where you are at right now, but that can change. When you are sitting there crying, what are you thinking? Oh if only exbf were this or only he quit and who will help me raise this baby and why can't he become a decent Father and why did I get involved with an addict and why did I get pregnant and my life is basically ruined and how do I get out of this? None of those things are actually the truth, they are just where you are at right now. YOU have the power to change them. Now you probably think, well that's fine and dandy and if I had the emotional energy to make any change I would. You do. Thing is when you are overwhelmed by the what ifs and how will I, think baby steps (kind of appropriate!). For instance, your number one thing to overcome right now seems to be your isolation. Fight that. - Ask friends or family members to pick you up and you visit them for coffee or an outing or just hanging out. - Join a group for single parents or pregnant women etc - Go to Al-Anon. If you don't have transport contact them, there may be someone you can carpool with - Find out about other groups in your area, what are your interests? Book club? Other crafts? Now, you probably do not want to do ANY of these things, I get that. That's beside the point right now. You owe it to yourself to become the survivor, not the victim, do not let him make you a victim. You aren't, you are strong and I think you know that deep down? You can care for him and still take care of yourself. He is going to jail, keep that uppermost in your mind. Nothing to be done about that. |
Everything Trailmix said. You don't have to want to do those things. Just try them for three weeks. See if things change. |
I have asked this question myself. And then one day I realized that if I plunged my hand into scalding water, I would not need to ask anyone how to relieve my pain. The hard thing is that the water gets "hot" (metaphorically speaking) in life so slowly we don't realize when the situation we are in has become scalding water. Maybe take a very hard look at the "hot water" you are in and ask yourself how much longer you can stand it and how long it will take before you are at the point of no return. Ask yourself what you want for yourself and how you might get it (maybe write it out in detail). And then ask yourself what your life will be like in 2 - 3 years if you stay on the path you've been on. How are you contributing to the challenges before you and what if you keep doing those things? I think you might find your own answers that way. And - I have so very much compassion for your plight. Hoping you have or can find some support resources. By the time many of us are fed up, we are also exhausted and without mental, physical or emotional resources for a fight. So now is the time to consolidate your resources, find a way to regain your strength and get very practical about taking responsibility for yourself and your baby rather than hoping an addict will come to your rescue (not a good plan). And lastly, I hope this is not too harsh, but they call those of us addicted to addicts "co-dependent" because that's what we are - dependent. Dependent on an unreliable source of love and/or support (the addict), which is a recipe for disaster. The antidote is to cultivate independence and personal responsibility. You deserve a good life and are the only one that can find it for yourself. Some great suggestions from others above... Good Luck |
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