Had enough
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Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 127
Had enough
Hello
I have used this forum before. I will say it how it is. I've had a 2 and half year on and off connection (I no longer want to use the word relationship) with a man who had got himself sober from drink 2 months before we met. I had no idea what any of it meant..sheltered girl here! I had parents that drank at the weekend and spent some of my childhood in pubs on Friday nights. But never ever experienced an alcoholic.
when we met and he told me I thought he was charming. Strong. Amazing. I thought he had given up drink and therefore he was rebuilding his life and deserved a relationship with me.
over time I saw the highs and lows. Mood swings. Terrible at life. Financial issues. Health issues. Overall never running "smoothly" in any areas.
he also had a bad habit of flirting and messaging women. He had an ex he was still emotionally clinging too. He denied it ofcourse and I got put in the insecure controlling jealous box. I was expected to accept her jealous remarks at me because she "cared" and I was expected to accept they text regular messages with 3 or 4 Xxxx on the end. I wasn't entitled to be hurt by her photos in the house or his constant story telling of their relationship.
anyway it came to an end. I was on my knees at that stage. Depressed. For some bizarre reason I was terrified of not seeing him again. Therapy and talking to anyone that would listen didn't seem to take away that pain I felt. I just missed him. Even though our relationship never started. We never went out. Because he never had any money. We spent our time sitting in his house and watching movies or walking the dog. He'd cook. I think i enjoyed it because it was escape from being a mum and the kids were with their dad. But it wasn't enough looking back. It was no relationship.
Anyway whilst we were split up he didn't pay me back the hundreds and hundreds he owed me. It was actually over a thousand! I asked for 500 pound. It never happened. He left his stuff at my house. He destroyed me to his cousin. Made put I had done some crazy stuff like chase him about. nick his money. Etc. I was devastated. He had got so toxic. Throwing me out in the night. Calling me vile names. Making me cry. I couldnt believe the lies. I ended up sending his stuff to his cousin who was fuming at me..I was glad to get them all out my life.
Then i cut an acquaintance of I no longer wanted bothering me. She decided to go after my ex for attention to play games..it worked. He was all up for the attention and for 2 months she sent him naked photos. Tried to get him round. He was lending her money and giving her fags etc.
Then at christmas i stuck up for myself. I told her what I thought. She started sending me messages that she was prettier than me etc etc. I told her I was seeing someone else and she could have him (I was getting to know someone very early days) I then received an email from my ex saying his dad had died and he missed Me.
I'll be honest I never got my closure. I wanted to talk to him about all of it. He sucked me back in. He was now working. Earning money. He was going to take me out. I felt lonely and sad so it started up again.
Only things were not as they seemed. He deleted Facebook a few days after he re added me. It felt to me like avoidance. He didn't want me marking my territory I suspected. He wanted to have control.
he always smoked weed. Only now he went to buy it at strange times at different houses and never had any on him. I never smelt it. He began loosing money. Always saying he had misplaced £30 etc. He was living in a b&b above a pub and it wasn't the best. But it was cheap and somewhere we could spend time whilst he found a flat. About 6 weeks in he decided he hated it. He made himself homeless. He ended up living in my shed for a night. Then I paid for hotels. Then a charity helped. Now he's back working and paying himself. But he has lost £60 this last week and has made a couple more random trips and has nothing to show for his so called asda trip! Someone said last week he's a great bloke but needs to give up that other side. I've put a few things together and come up with cocaine. I honestly think he's got a problem that he's hiding from me. But I have no proof. All I know is something is off. He's acting dodgy and really not sleeping properly if I'm not with him.
I've had enough. I am not hurting like before. But im trapped as hes left his dog with me in January. Its now almost April and there's no sign of him getting the dog back. He's storing stuff at mine and owes me £1400.
I'm stupid I know. But I've noticed I feel very different now and have seen him for what he is. I just need to exit this madness at the right moment.
I have used this forum before. I will say it how it is. I've had a 2 and half year on and off connection (I no longer want to use the word relationship) with a man who had got himself sober from drink 2 months before we met. I had no idea what any of it meant..sheltered girl here! I had parents that drank at the weekend and spent some of my childhood in pubs on Friday nights. But never ever experienced an alcoholic.
when we met and he told me I thought he was charming. Strong. Amazing. I thought he had given up drink and therefore he was rebuilding his life and deserved a relationship with me.
over time I saw the highs and lows. Mood swings. Terrible at life. Financial issues. Health issues. Overall never running "smoothly" in any areas.
he also had a bad habit of flirting and messaging women. He had an ex he was still emotionally clinging too. He denied it ofcourse and I got put in the insecure controlling jealous box. I was expected to accept her jealous remarks at me because she "cared" and I was expected to accept they text regular messages with 3 or 4 Xxxx on the end. I wasn't entitled to be hurt by her photos in the house or his constant story telling of their relationship.
anyway it came to an end. I was on my knees at that stage. Depressed. For some bizarre reason I was terrified of not seeing him again. Therapy and talking to anyone that would listen didn't seem to take away that pain I felt. I just missed him. Even though our relationship never started. We never went out. Because he never had any money. We spent our time sitting in his house and watching movies or walking the dog. He'd cook. I think i enjoyed it because it was escape from being a mum and the kids were with their dad. But it wasn't enough looking back. It was no relationship.
Anyway whilst we were split up he didn't pay me back the hundreds and hundreds he owed me. It was actually over a thousand! I asked for 500 pound. It never happened. He left his stuff at my house. He destroyed me to his cousin. Made put I had done some crazy stuff like chase him about. nick his money. Etc. I was devastated. He had got so toxic. Throwing me out in the night. Calling me vile names. Making me cry. I couldnt believe the lies. I ended up sending his stuff to his cousin who was fuming at me..I was glad to get them all out my life.
Then i cut an acquaintance of I no longer wanted bothering me. She decided to go after my ex for attention to play games..it worked. He was all up for the attention and for 2 months she sent him naked photos. Tried to get him round. He was lending her money and giving her fags etc.
Then at christmas i stuck up for myself. I told her what I thought. She started sending me messages that she was prettier than me etc etc. I told her I was seeing someone else and she could have him (I was getting to know someone very early days) I then received an email from my ex saying his dad had died and he missed Me.
I'll be honest I never got my closure. I wanted to talk to him about all of it. He sucked me back in. He was now working. Earning money. He was going to take me out. I felt lonely and sad so it started up again.
Only things were not as they seemed. He deleted Facebook a few days after he re added me. It felt to me like avoidance. He didn't want me marking my territory I suspected. He wanted to have control.
he always smoked weed. Only now he went to buy it at strange times at different houses and never had any on him. I never smelt it. He began loosing money. Always saying he had misplaced £30 etc. He was living in a b&b above a pub and it wasn't the best. But it was cheap and somewhere we could spend time whilst he found a flat. About 6 weeks in he decided he hated it. He made himself homeless. He ended up living in my shed for a night. Then I paid for hotels. Then a charity helped. Now he's back working and paying himself. But he has lost £60 this last week and has made a couple more random trips and has nothing to show for his so called asda trip! Someone said last week he's a great bloke but needs to give up that other side. I've put a few things together and come up with cocaine. I honestly think he's got a problem that he's hiding from me. But I have no proof. All I know is something is off. He's acting dodgy and really not sleeping properly if I'm not with him.
I've had enough. I am not hurting like before. But im trapped as hes left his dog with me in January. Its now almost April and there's no sign of him getting the dog back. He's storing stuff at mine and owes me £1400.
I'm stupid I know. But I've noticed I feel very different now and have seen him for what he is. I just need to exit this madness at the right moment.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2023
Posts: 41
There are some similarities in our stories for sure. I didn't know anything about addiction with mine and I too was so impressed that he was recently sober! Then comes the nothing but sitting around watching movies...and when it suits him, complaining about how much fun he used to have when he was using. Mine also has pictures of ex girls (there are NO pictures of us or me) and weirdly when we met and he started just moving all his stuff in, he brought a whole scrapbook he had made for the last girl and sat me down to look at it to show me what a relationship was "supposed to be like" ...yet he never wants to do anything. I thought that was in some ways good because I thought it would keep him sober but he just used other stuff, tried to get me to as well...also started bringing in stray pets that he refused to neuter or take to vet, and I will definitely say I didn't break up with him at some point because he would have no home and nowhere to take the pets. Owes me over $4000...I didn't know about addicts before meeting him but I see they are all the same in many ways now.
As for this other girl harassing you, she sounds very immature if she's telling you she's prettier, or bothering you at all, what an annoyance! I am sorry to hear about that. I think addicts look for immature partners, or people who don't know about addiction. I understand too that at some point sitting around the house with this person becomes acceptable....until years have gone by. If you cut ties with him before you can do it again! I feel like u have to find the right moment to break it off with mine too. Don't let it pass you by. You deserve better. Best wishes to you!
As for this other girl harassing you, she sounds very immature if she's telling you she's prettier, or bothering you at all, what an annoyance! I am sorry to hear about that. I think addicts look for immature partners, or people who don't know about addiction. I understand too that at some point sitting around the house with this person becomes acceptable....until years have gone by. If you cut ties with him before you can do it again! I feel like u have to find the right moment to break it off with mine too. Don't let it pass you by. You deserve better. Best wishes to you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 127
Thanks for the reply. It's very similar reading what you've written. There's never been any true display of our relationship. His ex was also lied to and cheated on..but she still was someone he posted photos of onto his fb. He was more proud of their relationship. Yet I seem abit of a secret. I'm 14 years younger than him. I'm not a bad looking girl. Certainly not gorgeous. But there's people who would want to date me that have tried. But I've never been interested due to this mess with him.
I feel very confused by him. He says he's never loved or felt this way before. But I honestly think he's always in victim mentality. His last ex now has moved on and I think that's a big part of him wanting me again. He had a chance with the other woman who hated me. But I think he knew deep down that she was drama and I'm actually a peaceful person who has the tenancy to try fix and help. She was borrowing from him and that's something I've never done. I've got my life in a fairly good order. I dont touch drugs. Never have. I rarely drink . I work. My mental health is in good order.
he promises me the future. The stuff. Etc. But I now kinda let it go over my head. Because the big speeches are just words. I know that now. Picket fences and holidays and family weekends just won't be a thing. His head is never in a place other than work or how awful he feels. He's always in survival mode. Needing to buy fags or painkillers. Needing food. But never enjoying life. Never shopping or out buying something nice. He's just on the ground now. I feel we are close to being over and done. It's just waiting for that next argument and me being able to stand back. Unfortunately he always has property with me so I can't ever get a clean cut and he always owes me money
I feel very confused by him. He says he's never loved or felt this way before. But I honestly think he's always in victim mentality. His last ex now has moved on and I think that's a big part of him wanting me again. He had a chance with the other woman who hated me. But I think he knew deep down that she was drama and I'm actually a peaceful person who has the tenancy to try fix and help. She was borrowing from him and that's something I've never done. I've got my life in a fairly good order. I dont touch drugs. Never have. I rarely drink . I work. My mental health is in good order.
he promises me the future. The stuff. Etc. But I now kinda let it go over my head. Because the big speeches are just words. I know that now. Picket fences and holidays and family weekends just won't be a thing. His head is never in a place other than work or how awful he feels. He's always in survival mode. Needing to buy fags or painkillers. Needing food. But never enjoying life. Never shopping or out buying something nice. He's just on the ground now. I feel we are close to being over and done. It's just waiting for that next argument and me being able to stand back. Unfortunately he always has property with me so I can't ever get a clean cut and he always owes me money
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Join Date: Mar 2023
Posts: 41
Mine is 10 years older than me. Also does nothing but work and talk about how much pain he is in....all of that is the exact same! Guess I thought an older fellow, who cared so much about work, was a good bet. All he does is work but he has no money. The things he needs from me, calm, stability, he derides. I thought he was unique, unfortunately, not. In my case, I'd let the owed money go. The baby makes things hard, but it wasn't until I had the baby that my head cleared. I understand what makes it hard to just get rid of the guy, even before the baby, and some of it was on my part, willing to put up with it and hoping all those promises will come true. Mine isn't using but the rest of it is still part of him. I didn't realize it before, but it always will be. I wish I'd stumbled on this forum or knew someone with this kind of experience years ago. I truly didn't know about all this.
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Join Date: Mar 2023
Posts: 41
I so clearly remember when we met and he was very open about his past, and I specifically thought, "This is a good person and he deserves to he happy". Over time he has stated again and again that he can't be happy, I can't make him happy. Just yesterday he said I wasn't supposed to be happy. Not in a mean way, in a matter of fact way, like he was surprised I would want such a thing.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Stawbz, good to hear from you again, sorry you got hurt again. Sometimes we have to keep touching the stove, I understand.
I'm really glad your eyes have been opened to how bad he is for you and how you don't need him and his drama, manipulations and lying in your life.
As for his things, any way to ship them off to the cousin again, or to wherever the ex is staying now, like you did before?
For the money, that seems like a lost cause. You can ask him for it of course, but he didn't try to pay you back before and he probably won't now.
I'm really glad your eyes have been opened to how bad he is for you and how you don't need him and his drama, manipulations and lying in your life.
As for his things, any way to ship them off to the cousin again, or to wherever the ex is staying now, like you did before?
For the money, that seems like a lost cause. You can ask him for it of course, but he didn't try to pay you back before and he probably won't now.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Originally Posted by Swedechef2 
and hoping all those promises will come true.
That's typically called being in love with their "potential" or what you hope they can become (because they tell you they will!) and hoping maybe you can help "fix" all of this.
Well, as you have seen, you can't. This is his way of being in the world, that's not changing anytime soon. There is sober and there is recovery, being sober means just that, putting down the drink and other drugs, recovery includes many things, becoming humble, realizing you are powerless against your addiction(s), taking responsibility and living life on life's terms. Without the recovery part, it will never be good going.
As they say, what do you have when a horse thief sobers up? A sober horse thief.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,505
=trailmix;7917648]Words are fine - actions are what counts.
That's typically called being in love with their "potential" or what you hope they can become (because they tell you they will!) and hoping maybe you can help "fix" all of this.
Well, as you have seen, you can't. This is his way of being in the world, that's not changing anytime soon. There is sober and there is recovery, being sober means just that, putting down the drink and other drugs, recovery includes many things, becoming humble, realizing you are powerless against your addiction(s), taking responsibility and living life on life's terms. Without the recovery part, it will never be good going.
[Quote As they say, what do you have when a horse thief sobers up? A sober horse thief.[/QUOTE]
That's typically called being in love with their "potential" or what you hope they can become (because they tell you they will!) and hoping maybe you can help "fix" all of this.
Well, as you have seen, you can't. This is his way of being in the world, that's not changing anytime soon. There is sober and there is recovery, being sober means just that, putting down the drink and other drugs, recovery includes many things, becoming humble, realizing you are powerless against your addiction(s), taking responsibility and living life on life's terms. Without the recovery part, it will never be good going.
[Quote As they say, what do you have when a horse thief sobers up? A sober horse thief.[/QUOTE]
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,505
Well I screwed that up. Wanted to isolate the horse thief quote trailmix. Got the entire quote instead. Thought it was really good.
Less than a week week ago I was trying to remember the exact quote, so thanks.
Less than a week week ago I was trying to remember the exact quote, so thanks.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 36
Had enough sums it up alright!
Whe I came across this post it gripped my attention because that is exacltly how I feel and have done for a good while now. I am sorry that you are in such a situation. I know what it feels like to feel like the time isnt right to end it. Looking at your story, it seems like it should be so simple for you just to finish it. But I understand why you donr as I cant, i wish someone would do it for me. When you realise how utterly selfish the addict is and then worse, when the addict admits thst he has been selfish, and still being selfish, but addiction is a selfish disease and sure selfishness is therefore almost excusable!!
He hasnt drank in 2 years but smokes weed and snorts coke. Hes giving it up now again. I just need to bear with him and his plan.!!!
Just recently lost his job, this week , due to poor attendence. He blames his bad back for his absences but in fact it was about 20% bad back and the rest.. Lying in bed with depression or lazines.. I dont know. Hes now devestated and in shock and is asking me what will 'we' do!! I have a fulltime job already. I cant really do much more.
Every job he has.. Ends! I am terrified of being poor again.
The doctor advised he stay off work awhile. Due to his back issues. Therefore I must watch him lying in bed or on the couch, with the whiff of weed off him.
Its hard not to be codependent when the person directly affects you and the rest of the family. And theyre in front of you all the time. Lying down somewhere! Theres no escape from the constant misery!
I love the quote about the horse theif. It reminds me of some comedian i saw years ago... He was talking about his days of using, before recovery... How 'drunk John' would contact "Cocaine John'and how he would behave whist under the influece.... He ended his piece by saying..." remember who called drunk john and cocaine john........ It was Sober John!!!! "
He hasnt drank in 2 years but smokes weed and snorts coke. Hes giving it up now again. I just need to bear with him and his plan.!!!
Just recently lost his job, this week , due to poor attendence. He blames his bad back for his absences but in fact it was about 20% bad back and the rest.. Lying in bed with depression or lazines.. I dont know. Hes now devestated and in shock and is asking me what will 'we' do!! I have a fulltime job already. I cant really do much more.
Every job he has.. Ends! I am terrified of being poor again.
The doctor advised he stay off work awhile. Due to his back issues. Therefore I must watch him lying in bed or on the couch, with the whiff of weed off him.
Its hard not to be codependent when the person directly affects you and the rest of the family. And theyre in front of you all the time. Lying down somewhere! Theres no escape from the constant misery!
I love the quote about the horse theif. It reminds me of some comedian i saw years ago... He was talking about his days of using, before recovery... How 'drunk John' would contact "Cocaine John'and how he would behave whist under the influece.... He ended his piece by saying..." remember who called drunk john and cocaine john........ It was Sober John!!!! "
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