Responsibility
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: California
Posts: 499
Responsibility
My daughter has turned 26. She living on the streets of San Jose.
I know she is an adult, but I really feel the circumstances she lived in facilitated this situation.
As a parent, I am ashamed to put her into this position. I know as an adult she has to rise above this. My struggle is I really believe she would not be in this position but because of me.
I know she is an adult, but I really feel the circumstances she lived in facilitated this situation.
As a parent, I am ashamed to put her into this position. I know as an adult she has to rise above this. My struggle is I really believe she would not be in this position but because of me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 69
I understand how awful you feel. How did you cause this adult to make the choices that she made.
I have a 30yr old daughter that has been on various drugs since she was 15. I enabled her so much for all those years because I knew if I just got her through one crisis she would turn around.
This last year I have tried so hard not enable her. Slowly she is turning around, at least I hope.
But I didn't make take drugs,I didn't make her do the things she did ,and I can't make her stop.
Neither can you. We love these children but they have to take the first step before we can help them.
I have a 30yr old daughter that has been on various drugs since she was 15. I enabled her so much for all those years because I knew if I just got her through one crisis she would turn around.
This last year I have tried so hard not enable her. Slowly she is turning around, at least I hope.
But I didn't make take drugs,I didn't make her do the things she did ,and I can't make her stop.
Neither can you. We love these children but they have to take the first step before we can help them.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
It's very difficult and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter, Muunray. 
At times, I feel helpless, wanting to fix things for my adult kids when they suffer, for my mom, who suffers bad effects of dementia, for others I know, who struggle and suffer; I do realize I can be supportive but I also know I have to keep boundaries in place for their sake and mine.
At times, I feel helpless, wanting to fix things for my adult kids when they suffer, for my mom, who suffers bad effects of dementia, for others I know, who struggle and suffer; I do realize I can be supportive but I also know I have to keep boundaries in place for their sake and mine.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Muunray, I'm so sorry to know that your dear daughter continues on this path of self-destruction. I have no children of my own, so I can't say that I "get it". I don't think I could unless I had lived this.
I can tell you that most solutions are found by understanding the past, living in the present, and moving toward the future. My stepson is definitely the result of his upbringing. His mother, my late husband's late wife, was an alcoholic. Mr. Seren stayed in the marriage because he loved her and felt that at least he could keep a roof over everyone's head and be a stable presence in the children's lives. I'm sure that he constantly thought about the woulda, coulda, shoulda's. But that wasn't going to help his son.
So...he decided to always keep the line of communication open with this son, even when that sometimes brought verbal abuse. He decided that when his son asked for something (money), he would take the time to consider it and provide help in a way that would not put cash in the young man's hands (send checks straight to a landlord or whatever the case was).
My husband did, ultimately, have joy in his life in spite of the chaos that his son created around himself. I know you can, too! Breathe, take the time to cry when that is needed, take good care of yourself!!
I can tell you that most solutions are found by understanding the past, living in the present, and moving toward the future. My stepson is definitely the result of his upbringing. His mother, my late husband's late wife, was an alcoholic. Mr. Seren stayed in the marriage because he loved her and felt that at least he could keep a roof over everyone's head and be a stable presence in the children's lives. I'm sure that he constantly thought about the woulda, coulda, shoulda's. But that wasn't going to help his son.
So...he decided to always keep the line of communication open with this son, even when that sometimes brought verbal abuse. He decided that when his son asked for something (money), he would take the time to consider it and provide help in a way that would not put cash in the young man's hands (send checks straight to a landlord or whatever the case was).
My husband did, ultimately, have joy in his life in spite of the chaos that his son created around himself. I know you can, too! Breathe, take the time to cry when that is needed, take good care of yourself!!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
One thing that might help is to remember that you can put 10 people into the very same situation, and each will respond differently to it.
There are many people with "ideal" situations that become addicted, and some in horrible situations that become saints.
It IS very scary to do the level of letting go you are attempting just now - I know from experience in setting boundaries that put my addict in similar situations (more than once). For me, it put everything I thought about being a good "parent" for my niece on its head. What I thought was good became bad and what I thought was bad became good.
My addict is my 37 year old niece - really more like a daughter in that she has lived with me off and on for 14 years. During that time, she has had many ups and downs - graduated *** laude from college, then became a drug dealer with 2 felonies. went through treatment, and got her paralegal certificate with a 4.0 average, got a job in a law firm making good money - then relapsed (big time) lost her job and her apartment, and this time became psychotic and I had to commit her after a month of erratic behavior and homeless couch surfing (very long, sad, dangerous tale). She is in treatment again and rebuilding her life again and doing a nice job of it. I have done interventions, called the police on her (resulting in 7 month incarceration) and had her committed - none of the things I ever wanted to do to help her, but they did.
Her mom is bipolar, father alcoholic and abusive.
What stands out to me is - while my niece had a horrible childhood against her, when she is sober, her life is remarkable - when she uses, it all falls apart. And, she's made decisions in both directions. Does that mean it is her mother's fault, her father's fault, my fault - or is this her journey to learn how to manager her illness?
I guess I don't really know, all I know is that when I enable, she gets really ill. And, when she's really ill, it was only letting go that got her into jail, rehab, mental hospital (in that order) and back on track.
I will say, though, that I stayed open to relationship with her, tried not to enable, loved her, learned to set boundaries and educated myself about addiction and all the resources available so I could act when the right circumstances presented themselves -- (availability of low cost or county funded rehab, social services, mobile psych units, police services, NAMI, NarAnon, etc.).
So, maybe try not to be so hard on blaming yourself - and - use that energy instead to strengthen yourself for the journey.
The most difficult thing we can do is allow our loved ones to feel the full impact of their choices - but if I blame myself for anything, it is "padding the corners" at times that prolonged my niece's addiction. But I forgive myself for that because I, too, was ill - with codependency. As I work my program, my life gets better.
I hope there might be something in this that could be helpful. Either way, Prayers you find some peace in this very difficult journey.
There are many people with "ideal" situations that become addicted, and some in horrible situations that become saints.
It IS very scary to do the level of letting go you are attempting just now - I know from experience in setting boundaries that put my addict in similar situations (more than once). For me, it put everything I thought about being a good "parent" for my niece on its head. What I thought was good became bad and what I thought was bad became good.
My addict is my 37 year old niece - really more like a daughter in that she has lived with me off and on for 14 years. During that time, she has had many ups and downs - graduated *** laude from college, then became a drug dealer with 2 felonies. went through treatment, and got her paralegal certificate with a 4.0 average, got a job in a law firm making good money - then relapsed (big time) lost her job and her apartment, and this time became psychotic and I had to commit her after a month of erratic behavior and homeless couch surfing (very long, sad, dangerous tale). She is in treatment again and rebuilding her life again and doing a nice job of it. I have done interventions, called the police on her (resulting in 7 month incarceration) and had her committed - none of the things I ever wanted to do to help her, but they did.
Her mom is bipolar, father alcoholic and abusive.
What stands out to me is - while my niece had a horrible childhood against her, when she is sober, her life is remarkable - when she uses, it all falls apart. And, she's made decisions in both directions. Does that mean it is her mother's fault, her father's fault, my fault - or is this her journey to learn how to manager her illness?
I guess I don't really know, all I know is that when I enable, she gets really ill. And, when she's really ill, it was only letting go that got her into jail, rehab, mental hospital (in that order) and back on track.
I will say, though, that I stayed open to relationship with her, tried not to enable, loved her, learned to set boundaries and educated myself about addiction and all the resources available so I could act when the right circumstances presented themselves -- (availability of low cost or county funded rehab, social services, mobile psych units, police services, NAMI, NarAnon, etc.).
So, maybe try not to be so hard on blaming yourself - and - use that energy instead to strengthen yourself for the journey.
The most difficult thing we can do is allow our loved ones to feel the full impact of their choices - but if I blame myself for anything, it is "padding the corners" at times that prolonged my niece's addiction. But I forgive myself for that because I, too, was ill - with codependency. As I work my program, my life gets better.
I hope there might be something in this that could be helpful. Either way, Prayers you find some peace in this very difficult journey.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Originally Posted by Troubledone 
The most difficult thing we can do is allow our loved ones to feel the full impact of their choices - but if I blame myself for anything, it is "padding the corners" at times that prolonged my niece's addiction. But I forgive myself for that because I, too, was ill - with codependency. As I work my program, my life gets better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 178
My son was homeless by his choice of lifestyle, but that didn't stop me from going out of my mind with worry every day. I understand. I relived every "pivotal" moment of his life, in my head, while he was living in the streets. I thought "if only I had/had not....... whatever" but I raised two sons, only two years apart in age. They grew up in the same neighborhood, same playmates as kids, attended school together elem/middle/high, yet one chose a bad path and the other didn't. It took a long time to realize that his choices are not my fault. In truth, it's something I still need to continue to convince myself about sometimes. But I like what Troubledone wrote about 10 people responding 10 ways.
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