Give me the strength to let go
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
Give me the strength to let go
Some of you know my story, if you don't you can read my other threads/posts but basically my "fiancee" is an addict and I am addicted to him.
I am in a state of constant anxiety because he disappears on me every week or two weeks after saying that he loves me and is on his way home.
Most recenty he didn't come home Thursday...texted me late at night and said he was coming home but didnt. Came home Friday for a shower and went to work and then said he was on his way home and didn't come home. Was supposed to be meeting with and paying for a contractor this morning (who speaks a language I don't speak) and then didn't come home and is still gone. When he disappears he doesn't answer the phone or texts, or emails
I was just on the computer trying to track his phone and looking at usage info when I am sick and should be asleep.
I know this isn't normal. It hurts so much. Give me the strength to let him go. But it is more than letting go...it would be cutting him off...not letting him in my house, not paying for his phone, etc. It is so hard.
Why doesn't he tell me he isnt coming home instead of saying he is coming home and then not showing up?
I wish he never came back into my life. It would have been a whole lot easier.
I am in a state of constant anxiety because he disappears on me every week or two weeks after saying that he loves me and is on his way home.
Most recenty he didn't come home Thursday...texted me late at night and said he was coming home but didnt. Came home Friday for a shower and went to work and then said he was on his way home and didn't come home. Was supposed to be meeting with and paying for a contractor this morning (who speaks a language I don't speak) and then didn't come home and is still gone. When he disappears he doesn't answer the phone or texts, or emails
I was just on the computer trying to track his phone and looking at usage info when I am sick and should be asleep.
I know this isn't normal. It hurts so much. Give me the strength to let him go. But it is more than letting go...it would be cutting him off...not letting him in my house, not paying for his phone, etc. It is so hard.
Why doesn't he tell me he isnt coming home instead of saying he is coming home and then not showing up?
I wish he never came back into my life. It would have been a whole lot easier.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
I called his phone again and it rang which means he turned it on. I got out of my warm bed where I should be sleeping and got on the computer to try to track where he is. I can only see the general area, but he is in the area of a drug house.
of course he doesnt answer the phone. I could drive there, i could go to the court house and try to file a report again that he is a danger to himself, i could cut off the service to his phone. He has my car and has hundreds of dollars in tickets that are in my name because the car is registered to me. Since I let him use it I can't report it as stolen even though he only had my permission to take it to and from work and not to keep it overnight.
i am tired and sick and have a migraine.
i am so upset that I can't sleep
what to do?
of course he doesnt answer the phone. I could drive there, i could go to the court house and try to file a report again that he is a danger to himself, i could cut off the service to his phone. He has my car and has hundreds of dollars in tickets that are in my name because the car is registered to me. Since I let him use it I can't report it as stolen even though he only had my permission to take it to and from work and not to keep it overnight.
i am tired and sick and have a migraine.
i am so upset that I can't sleep
what to do?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
He is supposed to be giving me all of the money from the paycheck he got yesterday. My guess is that he is spending it on drugs at this moment.
When he has lost jobs before, i thought at least he didn't have money to buy drugs. Then when the dealers stole my car to hold as collateral for his drug debt i learned that his dealers would give him drugs and he would owe them for the drugs plus "interest"
then i learned that he would steal my credit cards and use then to get drugs and alcohol.
as i write this i remember more and more of the things I try to forget about the things that have happened to me over the past 4 1/2 years of being with him.
and i realize how crazy it all is. I wish i could go back and undo it all. I don't know how i will ever recover from this. And i know i will never get back the money from him
And i don't know if i should put him in jail for the money he stole from me.
my head is spinning
When he has lost jobs before, i thought at least he didn't have money to buy drugs. Then when the dealers stole my car to hold as collateral for his drug debt i learned that his dealers would give him drugs and he would owe them for the drugs plus "interest"
then i learned that he would steal my credit cards and use then to get drugs and alcohol.
as i write this i remember more and more of the things I try to forget about the things that have happened to me over the past 4 1/2 years of being with him.
and i realize how crazy it all is. I wish i could go back and undo it all. I don't know how i will ever recover from this. And i know i will never get back the money from him
And i don't know if i should put him in jail for the money he stole from me.
my head is spinning
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
OT4kids...
I'm going to make this simple: change your locks, cancel any services that you are paying for him, cancel and change your credit cards, if he wants to get to work, he can take a taxi... and pay for it himself, you can report him missing. If he has stolen money from you, you can report it to the police as long as you have proof. If he has NOT stolen money from you and you have loaned it to him, you can't report it.
You have previously been focused on how to get the money back. You are not going to get the money back, instead the "debt" will only increase as his sickness deepens while you enable him. I am not putting any blame on you here, I know you are in pain, and he treats you horribly. BUT... giving him money, a car to borrow, giving him anything is actually making his self-destructive actions easier for him. It also makes it possible for him to continue hurting you.
Have you gone to Alanon or Naranon? Please find a meeting. Please read some of the stickies. You can't control his behavior, change his behavior, and should prioritize your own mental health. Please reach out to any friends/family you may have. Are you in therapy? Are you looking after you? Have you contacted a domestic violence service?
Losing money to an addict is no joke. If you keep on giving it, you are just going to lose more. Women are already the poorest people on the planet. Please stop giving him anything.
I'm sorry you are so distressed. You can make this stop. You can be brave and say "no" to him. Say "no" before the $100,000 becomes $100,500.
This was your first post in Nov 2016: "Hello- I am new to this site and forum. How do you all cope with a spouse/significant other who is in recovery and doing great and then disappears? My fiancee and I have been together for a few years now since reuniting after decades. It has been a bumpy road but we are closer than ever and things have been wonderful for about 7 months. Then suddenly he didn't come home last night after working. I couldn't reach him at all. I was up most of the night and feel panicked. I can't even function now. I missed work and don't know how I will get through this.
Please help."
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Over time this man has shown that he is abusive to you. You need to find the courage to NEVER take him back. He's bad news. Please seek real life face-to-face support because he's been financially and physically abusive.
I'm going to make this simple: change your locks, cancel any services that you are paying for him, cancel and change your credit cards, if he wants to get to work, he can take a taxi... and pay for it himself, you can report him missing. If he has stolen money from you, you can report it to the police as long as you have proof. If he has NOT stolen money from you and you have loaned it to him, you can't report it.
You have previously been focused on how to get the money back. You are not going to get the money back, instead the "debt" will only increase as his sickness deepens while you enable him. I am not putting any blame on you here, I know you are in pain, and he treats you horribly. BUT... giving him money, a car to borrow, giving him anything is actually making his self-destructive actions easier for him. It also makes it possible for him to continue hurting you.
Have you gone to Alanon or Naranon? Please find a meeting. Please read some of the stickies. You can't control his behavior, change his behavior, and should prioritize your own mental health. Please reach out to any friends/family you may have. Are you in therapy? Are you looking after you? Have you contacted a domestic violence service?
Losing money to an addict is no joke. If you keep on giving it, you are just going to lose more. Women are already the poorest people on the planet. Please stop giving him anything.
I'm sorry you are so distressed. You can make this stop. You can be brave and say "no" to him. Say "no" before the $100,000 becomes $100,500.
This was your first post in Nov 2016: "Hello- I am new to this site and forum. How do you all cope with a spouse/significant other who is in recovery and doing great and then disappears? My fiancee and I have been together for a few years now since reuniting after decades. It has been a bumpy road but we are closer than ever and things have been wonderful for about 7 months. Then suddenly he didn't come home last night after working. I couldn't reach him at all. I was up most of the night and feel panicked. I can't even function now. I missed work and don't know how I will get through this.
Please help."
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Over time this man has shown that he is abusive to you. You need to find the courage to NEVER take him back. He's bad news. Please seek real life face-to-face support because he's been financially and physically abusive.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 114
OT4Kids-
I really don't think I could say anything better than Ophelia did.
I just wanted you to know that I'm so sorry you're feeling this pain and torment. And it really is torment. I know b/c I've been there. It took me coming here and reading through the threads and posting and reading the responses to really get it through my head that my ex's addiction has nothing to do with me and no reflection on me, but that I needed to look at myself and why I was willing to put up with him.
You asked why can't he just tell you he's not coming home instead of telling you he will be home and then not show up. Because he's an addict. Nothing they say is dependable. They're not trustworthy. Look at what you've already been through b/c of him. The real issue is asking yourself why do you keep letting it happen? I had to ask myself really hard questions.
I ordered a book from Amazon called "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. It's all about why we choose the men we do and a 10 step recovery process to change it. Maybe look into getting that book to help you understand yourself more. I know a lot of people recommend "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie also. I don't have that, but I've seen it recommended often on here.
Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this and I pray you find the strength and support you need to leave him once and for all. He is not good for you. Hugs.
I really don't think I could say anything better than Ophelia did.
I just wanted you to know that I'm so sorry you're feeling this pain and torment. And it really is torment. I know b/c I've been there. It took me coming here and reading through the threads and posting and reading the responses to really get it through my head that my ex's addiction has nothing to do with me and no reflection on me, but that I needed to look at myself and why I was willing to put up with him.
You asked why can't he just tell you he's not coming home instead of telling you he will be home and then not show up. Because he's an addict. Nothing they say is dependable. They're not trustworthy. Look at what you've already been through b/c of him. The real issue is asking yourself why do you keep letting it happen? I had to ask myself really hard questions.
I ordered a book from Amazon called "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. It's all about why we choose the men we do and a 10 step recovery process to change it. Maybe look into getting that book to help you understand yourself more. I know a lot of people recommend "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie also. I don't have that, but I've seen it recommended often on here.
Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this and I pray you find the strength and support you need to leave him once and for all. He is not good for you. Hugs.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
The fact that he disappears or steals money from you is the least of your problems. The fact that he beats you, and you have children in the home, should be of paramount importance.
What is it going to take before you get yourself and your children out of this brutal situation?
What is it going to take before you get yourself and your children out of this brutal situation?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
OT, if I could give you the strength to let go, I would have done it two years ago, when you first posted.
If you are going to do what you desperately need to do, you are going to need to find the strength within yourself to do all the things Ophelia laid out for you above. I can only promise you that the strength IS there—but YOU must believe it yourself. You must accept that he is not the person you wish he was, and he never will be. You must also accept that no one, especially not Him, can save you except you.
I hope for you and your children’s sake that you can find a way to let go.
If you are going to do what you desperately need to do, you are going to need to find the strength within yourself to do all the things Ophelia laid out for you above. I can only promise you that the strength IS there—but YOU must believe it yourself. You must accept that he is not the person you wish he was, and he never will be. You must also accept that no one, especially not Him, can save you except you.
I hope for you and your children’s sake that you can find a way to let go.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You are obsessed with this person. You put this as #1 in your life. What to do?? You know what to do. You simply have to move forward and do it. No matter how hard it is. No matter anything else. You are being used and abused....literally. I am sorry if this seems blunt because I know it's painful. However, no new contact = No new hurts. However, if you choose to have this person in your life, you accept that this is what he does, always, and always will. It' won't change, only you can change.
Originally Posted by OT4Kids 
what to do?
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 178
You've received excellent advice from Ophelia. I would add, please arrange to do all banking online. Arrange with a banker that they not mail anything to your house. If you have a check reorder, pick it up at the bank. Opt out of monthly mailed statements entirely, or have them mailed c/o your banker at local branch. Also when you get new credit cards, try to have them mailed to a trusted friend's house, not your own. Opt out of paper monthly statements. You don't want anything financial being put into your mailbox. That's how our former houseguest stole from us... he helped himself to my mail. Best of luck to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
He left with my car on Thursday and went to work...didnt come home that night. Came home just to shower and change Friday and went to work and then hasn't come home since then. I drove to DC during rush hour, drove all around where I thought the car was, could not find the car and came home 3 1/2 hours of driving for nothing
he won't answer calls, texts, messages, emails
DC police won't look for my car or for him
he won't answer calls, texts, messages, emails
DC police won't look for my car or for him
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
OT what do you want from this forum? Only you can solve this, and I'm sorry to say that you're not showing any signs of progression.
If you want to know what loneliness feels like, project yourself into the future when your children have run as far as they can from you because they can't help you and can't live with the life you've created for yourself and them. I know you say they aren't affected, that it all happens when they're away. Who are you kidding.
Every now and then I drop into this forum to see you complaining that he's bashed you, stolen your car, money, put you in debt. If you're not willing to make the decisions necessary to stop this happening, why complain? What do you need - sympathy? No good to you. Advice? You've had good advice in bucketloads.
It seems the only thing that will help is if you move completely away from DC.
If you want to know what loneliness feels like, project yourself into the future when your children have run as far as they can from you because they can't help you and can't live with the life you've created for yourself and them. I know you say they aren't affected, that it all happens when they're away. Who are you kidding.
Every now and then I drop into this forum to see you complaining that he's bashed you, stolen your car, money, put you in debt. If you're not willing to make the decisions necessary to stop this happening, why complain? What do you need - sympathy? No good to you. Advice? You've had good advice in bucketloads.
It seems the only thing that will help is if you move completely away from DC.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
Originally Posted by OT4Kids
He left with my car on Thursday and went to work...didnt come home that night. Came home just to shower and change Friday and went to work and then hasn't come home since then. I drove to DC during rush hour, drove all around where I thought the car was, could not find the car and came home 3 1/2 hours of driving for nothing
he won't answer calls, texts, messages, emails
DC police won't look for my car or for him
he won't answer calls, texts, messages, emails
DC police won't look for my car or for him
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
At some point, I had to realize that my relationship with my XAH was not LOVE He was no longer treating me in a loving way. He only cared about feeding his addiction and I was helping him. I hated accepting that he was only using me. Ending my marriage was very difficult but a lot less painful then staying in it.
OT, this relationship is not love. It's toxic. You will never get what you want while having a relationship with an addict. He will be back, his addiction needs you to survive. Is that really what you want?
OT, this relationship is not love. It's toxic. You will never get what you want while having a relationship with an addict. He will be back, his addiction needs you to survive. Is that really what you want?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by OT4Kids
He left with my car on Thursday and went to work...didnt come home that night. Came home just to shower and change Friday and went to work and then hasn't come home since then. I drove to DC during rush hour, drove all around where I thought the car was, could not find the car and came home 3 1/2 hours of driving for nothing
he won't answer calls, texts, messages, emails
DC police won't look for my car or for him
he won't answer calls, texts, messages, emails
DC police won't look for my car or for him
If you want changes, you are going to have to be the one to make them. You are being viciously abused—physically, emotionally, and financially. Please find real life help before the consequences are too much to come back from.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Why can't you report your car stolen ? It doesn't matter you lent it to him, he was supposed to bring it back, he didn't, that means he stole it. Report it, press charges, be done with this insanity.
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