Can Anyone Relate?
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Can Anyone Relate?
Has anyone here been left by their addict never to hear from them again?
I mean nothing. If you've heard from them in some way, shape or form, then that's not what I'm talking about.
For some reason this makes it SO hard. I will not go into it fully b/c I know I've told the story before (just read my prior posts) and people have given me advice and I'm not trying to ask anyone for advice they've already given.
My question is specifically about not hearing from them ever again. Of course I'm still living and so is he, so I can't predict that he will never contact me. But I have a feeling I will never hear from him again.
Oct. 28th was the last contact we had. No argument, nothing. Last time we talked was him calling me when I was on my way home and we talked a sec, he told me he loved me, I told him I loved him too and that was it. Haven't heard a word since. I know he's using again. I know b/c I was told by his family. He has not been in contact with them either. At least as of a few weeks ago. I have gone almost 100% no contact with them as well.
*I wanna make a note that in the past I would have tried tracking him down through his family. Or the time when I was on the phone with his sister and she told me he was there. I would have asked to speak to him and he prob would have talked to me. Or I would have driven there, but I didn't. He had no cell phone at the time. I don't know if he's gotten one since or not. I went no contact on my end as far as chasing after him or trying to get him to talk to me. Him leaving without a word is so hurtful.*
I mean nothing. If you've heard from them in some way, shape or form, then that's not what I'm talking about.
For some reason this makes it SO hard. I will not go into it fully b/c I know I've told the story before (just read my prior posts) and people have given me advice and I'm not trying to ask anyone for advice they've already given.
My question is specifically about not hearing from them ever again. Of course I'm still living and so is he, so I can't predict that he will never contact me. But I have a feeling I will never hear from him again.
Oct. 28th was the last contact we had. No argument, nothing. Last time we talked was him calling me when I was on my way home and we talked a sec, he told me he loved me, I told him I loved him too and that was it. Haven't heard a word since. I know he's using again. I know b/c I was told by his family. He has not been in contact with them either. At least as of a few weeks ago. I have gone almost 100% no contact with them as well.
*I wanna make a note that in the past I would have tried tracking him down through his family. Or the time when I was on the phone with his sister and she told me he was there. I would have asked to speak to him and he prob would have talked to me. Or I would have driven there, but I didn't. He had no cell phone at the time. I don't know if he's gotten one since or not. I went no contact on my end as far as chasing after him or trying to get him to talk to me. Him leaving without a word is so hurtful.*
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
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Have you decided to go no contact with him? That means you choose not to hear from him again and try to stop thinking about him. It's an option. I think any contact with my ex would really set me back. That's just me. You might want something different. It helps if you just... accept that making sure you know they are okay is not their priority. They are probably not okay. You can't do anything about it. If his family is very worried, they can get the police to declare him missing. No guarantee that once he's found he won't voluntarily go missing again... and again.
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz 
Have you decided to go no contact with him? That means you choose not to hear from him again and try to stop thinking about him. It's an option. I think any contact with my ex would really set me back. That's just me. You might want something different. It helps if you just... accept that making sure you know they are okay is not their priority. They are probably not okay. You can't do anything about it. If his family is very worried, they can get the police to declare him missing. No guarantee that once he's found he won't voluntarily go missing again... and again.
As far as him being gone-they know the area he's in, but not exactly where he's staying. So they have heard from him. I talked to his mom today (we have been no contact, but she called to check on me b/c my grandma just passed) and she has seen him recently at a fast food joint. She said he looked fine, but she knows he's not.
It's just painful to be abandoned. I don't know what else to say except that it just hurts to feel discarded like trash. I just didn't know if anyone had experienced it the same way I had. I'd heard you, or another member here, had that happen to them and just wanted to talk to someone who could relate.
So many ppl on here always hear from the addict. It may be a few days, or a week or whatever, but they hear from them again. I haven't heard a word. It's like I never existed to him after all we've been through.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I get it. I was in my relationship for a decade. It took a while for me to accept that I was merely a resource. Funny, cause for all that time I was so distracted by his needs, I forgot about my own and I wasn't looking at what was really going on: I was being used. I wasn't paying attention.
I don't know if that helps you or not. I have (sometimes) got feedback on the boards sometimes where I say something and people tell me that I'm projecting -- part of that is I don't feel like I can actually "tell" you what to do but what I can do is share my experience... and then you decide if it's useful to you or not.
I think a lot of people ignore their pain because they feel safer that way. I also think that it's healthy to explore your pain... to an extent, if it's necessary. Maybe it's necessary for you to feel this pain right now. If you think about it... maybe it's possible that he was never really "with" you so (in his mind) he never really abandoned anyone since his issues were/are so much more important than any relationship, even the relationship with is parents. You were never an "item"... it was always him + his DOC. Does that make sense?
If you say to him "you abandoned me"... his brain would probably think: "does not compute... need drug now."
I'm sorry for your pain. You are worth more than the way you were treated.
I don't know if that helps you or not. I have (sometimes) got feedback on the boards sometimes where I say something and people tell me that I'm projecting -- part of that is I don't feel like I can actually "tell" you what to do but what I can do is share my experience... and then you decide if it's useful to you or not.
I think a lot of people ignore their pain because they feel safer that way. I also think that it's healthy to explore your pain... to an extent, if it's necessary. Maybe it's necessary for you to feel this pain right now. If you think about it... maybe it's possible that he was never really "with" you so (in his mind) he never really abandoned anyone since his issues were/are so much more important than any relationship, even the relationship with is parents. You were never an "item"... it was always him + his DOC. Does that make sense?
If you say to him "you abandoned me"... his brain would probably think: "does not compute... need drug now."
I'm sorry for your pain. You are worth more than the way you were treated.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by gemini7
So many ppl on here always hear from the addict. It may be a few days, or a week or whatever, but they hear from them again. I haven't heard a word. It's like I never existed to him after all we've been through.
You need to go from the obsessive compulsive worrying about another person's adult choices to actually living freely... for yourself. There are people that do need and want your help. There are animals in animal shelters that need love. But you need to forgive yourself first... and then love yourself.
Forgive yourself for having worried about another person's adult choices -- this is not something you need to feel guilty about. Forgive yourself for choosing to stop worrying about if they are dead or alive. You don't need to worry about that either... they have the right to choose those things.
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Hi gemini, sorry, yeah I can't remember who it was where the ex left and that was that.
You said:
You said the above in a previous post, so you know his M.O. and you are pretty sure if you don't go track him down he's not coming back, because that has happened in the past and you may well be right.
I know you don't want advice, so I won't give any but I do have a question.
If 10 people came here now and said, my exAH boyfriend went off on a bender and I never heard from him again, how would that help you?
I guess I don't understand what you are looking for? You don't have to answer that, of course and maybe you aren't even sure.
Not like trash, like someone getting in the way of his addiction. You notice he bolted when the AA meeting drop off/pick up was all arranged, I assume this is something you talked to him about while he was in prison (staying sober).
You said:
Originally Posted by gemini7
And honestly, even if I wanted to, he is not going to come back for me. He's done this to me twice before. Everything is great until he starts using again then he disappears. He doesn't come back either. The last 2 times we would break up, then a couple months later he was arrested for whatever and went back to prison.
I know you don't want advice, so I won't give any but I do have a question.
If 10 people came here now and said, my exAH boyfriend went off on a bender and I never heard from him again, how would that help you?
I guess I don't understand what you are looking for? You don't have to answer that, of course and maybe you aren't even sure.
it just hurts to feel discarded like trash
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
I found these threads but they are older but maybe there is something in one of them that will help:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...d-missing.html (My husband is missing.)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-pregnant.html (My Husband is Missing... Pregnant)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...come-back.html (Will he come back)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ed-advice.html (Addict has disappeared NEED ADVICE)
and this from the same poster
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ddict-wtf.html (Finally heard from addict and WTF)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...d-missing.html (My husband is missing.)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-pregnant.html (My Husband is Missing... Pregnant)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...come-back.html (Will he come back)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ed-advice.html (Addict has disappeared NEED ADVICE)
and this from the same poster
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ddict-wtf.html (Finally heard from addict and WTF)
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
I get it. I was in my relationship for a decade. It took a while for me to accept that I was merely a resource. Funny, cause for all that time I was so distracted by his needs, I forgot about my own and I wasn't looking at what was really going on: I was being used. I wasn't paying attention.
I don't know if that helps you or not. I have (sometimes) got feedback on the boards sometimes where I say something and people tell me that I'm projecting -- part of that is I don't feel like I can actually "tell" you what to do but what I can do is share my experience... and then you decide if it's useful to you or not.
I think a lot of people ignore their pain because they feel safer that way. I also think that it's healthy to explore your pain... to an extent, if it's necessary. Maybe it's necessary for you to feel this pain right now. If you think about it... maybe it's possible that he was never really "with" you so (in his mind) he never really abandoned anyone since his issues were/are so much more important than any relationship, even the relationship with is parents. You were never an "item"... it was always him + his DOC. Does that make sense?
If you say to him "you abandoned me"... his brain would probably think: "does not compute... need drug now."
I'm sorry for your pain. You are worth more than the way you were treated.
I don't know if that helps you or not. I have (sometimes) got feedback on the boards sometimes where I say something and people tell me that I'm projecting -- part of that is I don't feel like I can actually "tell" you what to do but what I can do is share my experience... and then you decide if it's useful to you or not.
I think a lot of people ignore their pain because they feel safer that way. I also think that it's healthy to explore your pain... to an extent, if it's necessary. Maybe it's necessary for you to feel this pain right now. If you think about it... maybe it's possible that he was never really "with" you so (in his mind) he never really abandoned anyone since his issues were/are so much more important than any relationship, even the relationship with is parents. You were never an "item"... it was always him + his DOC. Does that make sense?
If you say to him "you abandoned me"... his brain would probably think: "does not compute... need drug now."
I'm sorry for your pain. You are worth more than the way you were treated.
I can't say he wasn't using me, but I honestly don't know for what. I don't work and have no income.(I have health issues) I live with family and they help me. And no, my family does not have money. I've often wracked my brain trying to think of what purpose I served for him. Maybe emotionally he wanted to feel he had someone? I never sent him money in prison. My mom actually sent him $20 one time. That's it. When he got out last month, when he got a little money, he gave me $10 one day, and then again the next day and gas in my tank. Sex was never a big thing with us. He didn't seem to have much of a drive and that was actually an issue with us in the past. So I can't think of what purpose I served for him. He never asked me to take him to places (in the past, we weren't together long enough this time to know any different). I don't know.
I am not against exploring my pain. I've always been the type of person to want to know the 'why' behind things (which is why things like this can drive me nuts if I let them), so knowing why I do certain things is something I welcome. Sometimes it takes me a minute though b/c the pain is so great. I have abandonment issues from my childhood, so when he has done this, it hits that wound, and hard.
In the past, there was always a build up to me knowing it was ending. This time it threw me for a loop.
Thank you so much for your words.
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
I think it's hard for those people. They stay enmeshed. I have a hard time as it is trying not to brood over the things that have happened and the way I was treated. It helps to be super busy... to fill your cup with other things, other memories. For me, any renewed contact would simply set me back in my recovery.
You need to go from the obsessive compulsive worrying about another person's adult choices to actually living freely... for yourself. There are people that do need and want your help. There are animals in animal shelters that need love. But you need to forgive yourself first... and then love yourself.
Forgive yourself for having worried about another person's adult choices -- this is not something you need to feel guilty about. Forgive yourself for choosing to stop worrying about if they are dead or alive. You don't need to worry about that either... they have the right to choose those things.
You need to go from the obsessive compulsive worrying about another person's adult choices to actually living freely... for yourself. There are people that do need and want your help. There are animals in animal shelters that need love. But you need to forgive yourself first... and then love yourself.
Forgive yourself for having worried about another person's adult choices -- this is not something you need to feel guilty about. Forgive yourself for choosing to stop worrying about if they are dead or alive. You don't need to worry about that either... they have the right to choose those things.
It just hasn't made the way it ended less painful. That's all I've been trying to say really in my posts. I don't want to be with him. It just hurts how he left.
I agree with living freely. It's been a lot lately, with what happened with him, and then my grandma passing this past week. I've had moments thinking I can't get through it all. If I didn't have this forum to go to and people like you showing understanding and kindness, I don't know where I'd be.
I'm gonna move on. And I agree I need to forgive myself. It's just gonna take time.
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[QUOTE=trailmix;7062467]Hi gemini, sorry, yeah I can't remember who it was where the ex left and that was that.
You said:
You said the above in a previous post, so you know his M.O. and you are pretty sure if you don't go track him down he's not coming back, because that has happened in the past and you may well be right.
I know you don't want advice, so I won't give any but I do have a question.
If 10 people came here now and said, my exAH boyfriend went off on a bender and I never heard from him again, how would that help you?
I guess I don't understand what you are looking for? You don't have to answer that, of course and maybe you aren't even sure.
Not like trash, like someone getting in the way of his addiction. You notice he bolted when the AA meeting drop off/pick up was all arranged, I assume this is something you talked to him about while he was in prison (staying sober).[/QUOTE
**I don't mean this in a funny way at all, but I feel it's obvious what I was looking for. I was just looking for someone who understood and could maybe give me advice on handling this particular kind of ending. But at this point, it just doesn't matter anymore. He left. The end.
And thank you for what you said about it not being like trash, but just that I was in the way of his addiction. In my opinion, loving an addict is a mind freak. It messes with your head. It takes a minute for the fog to lift and see things for what they are.
I've merely taken you all on the ride with me. Lol. I'm sure it's annoyed some, as it has def been repetitive at times. But that's part of my process. I don't know what else to say about that.
When his mom called me yesterday to check on me about my grandma, and then brought him up, I didn't feel the same level of pain in hearing about him. It's def not gone completely, but it's lessened some. She told me she is his mom, and of course loves her son, but that he didn't do me right and to not fall for his crap again. I told her first of all, I don't think I'll hear from him anyway, but it wouldn't matter if I did b/c I am done. She told me that she does feel he loved me the best way he knew how, but that the drugs are stronger.
It's all just a process. I mean I felt sideswiped by the whole thing. I didn't expect it to go down like that at all. I have to finish grieving this situation, and now the passing of my grandma. I'm more concerned about myself than him. I pray for him and that's all I can do.
Thank you for your words.**
Not sure what happened with my using the 'quote' button.
You said:
You said the above in a previous post, so you know his M.O. and you are pretty sure if you don't go track him down he's not coming back, because that has happened in the past and you may well be right.
I know you don't want advice, so I won't give any but I do have a question.
If 10 people came here now and said, my exAH boyfriend went off on a bender and I never heard from him again, how would that help you?
I guess I don't understand what you are looking for? You don't have to answer that, of course and maybe you aren't even sure.
Not like trash, like someone getting in the way of his addiction. You notice he bolted when the AA meeting drop off/pick up was all arranged, I assume this is something you talked to him about while he was in prison (staying sober).[/QUOTE
**I don't mean this in a funny way at all, but I feel it's obvious what I was looking for. I was just looking for someone who understood and could maybe give me advice on handling this particular kind of ending. But at this point, it just doesn't matter anymore. He left. The end.
And thank you for what you said about it not being like trash, but just that I was in the way of his addiction. In my opinion, loving an addict is a mind freak. It messes with your head. It takes a minute for the fog to lift and see things for what they are.
I've merely taken you all on the ride with me. Lol. I'm sure it's annoyed some, as it has def been repetitive at times. But that's part of my process. I don't know what else to say about that.
When his mom called me yesterday to check on me about my grandma, and then brought him up, I didn't feel the same level of pain in hearing about him. It's def not gone completely, but it's lessened some. She told me she is his mom, and of course loves her son, but that he didn't do me right and to not fall for his crap again. I told her first of all, I don't think I'll hear from him anyway, but it wouldn't matter if I did b/c I am done. She told me that she does feel he loved me the best way he knew how, but that the drugs are stronger.
It's all just a process. I mean I felt sideswiped by the whole thing. I didn't expect it to go down like that at all. I have to finish grieving this situation, and now the passing of my grandma. I'm more concerned about myself than him. I pray for him and that's all I can do.
Thank you for your words.
**Not sure what happened with my using the 'quote' button.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I found these threads but they are older but maybe there is something in one of them that will help:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...d-missing.html (My husband is missing.)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-pregnant.html (My Husband is Missing... Pregnant)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...come-back.html (Will he come back)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ed-advice.html (Addict has disappeared NEED ADVICE)
and this from the same poster
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ddict-wtf.html (Finally heard from addict and WTF)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...d-missing.html (My husband is missing.)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-pregnant.html (My Husband is Missing... Pregnant)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...come-back.html (Will he come back)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ed-advice.html (Addict has disappeared NEED ADVICE)
and this from the same poster
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ddict-wtf.html (Finally heard from addict and WTF)
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by trailmix
I found these threads but they are older but maybe there is something in one of them that will help:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...d-missing.html (My husband is missing.)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-pregnant.html (My Husband is Missing... Pregnant)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...come-back.html (Will he come back)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ed-advice.html (Addict has disappeared NEED ADVICE)
and this from the same poster
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ddict-wtf.html (Finally heard from addict and WTF)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...d-missing.html (My husband is missing.)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-pregnant.html (My Husband is Missing... Pregnant)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...come-back.html (Will he come back)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ed-advice.html (Addict has disappeared NEED ADVICE)
and this from the same poster
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ddict-wtf.html (Finally heard from addict and WTF)
"When someone tells us they love us and then they're inexplicably gone the next day, that is a royal mindf*ck of the worst kind".
There you have it in a nutshell. That's what I've been trying to say as far as why it's been so hard to process.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I agree it's going to take a long time to recover from this. I've been "no contact" for a long time... but it doesn't seem that long. Usually, every time I think I can back away from SR and that I'm fine and I never have to think of addiction again, something happens. Like yesterday, he went past me in a car (he was in the passenger seat, so clearly he had anther enabler), and he rolled down the window and shouted at me really sarcastically, "thanks for the memories!" But the thing is, when they keep contacting you for whatever reason, when they act like this -- crazy, abusive -- it's not like you're being harassed by someone you know, it's like you're being haunted by their evil doppelganger, it's like their evil doppelganger killed the person you once knew and are walking around looking like them... and you wish the evil doppelganger would just drop dead. So in a way he did leave me "suddenly"... because I don't recognize this person that he is today -- it was like one day a mask fell off his face, so it was literally quite sudden. It is not the person I thought I fell in love with. I don't know where that person is -- at the risk of sounding flaky, I think his soul is just... wandering around homeless without a body.
But it does hurt when someone just... literally "disappears". It's as if they have erased your history with them (or are trying to). It's a huge mind-twister [I'm not going to insert an asterisk there cause the last time I did that, my entire post got erased and I was given a warning... so just a heads-up... the system does the censoring for you]. When they tell you they love you, then they show that they don't... you feel betrayed and you don't understand what you could have done to deserve it... because you don't deserve it! It's not your fault.
It took a long time for me to figure out why I allowed myself to even get involved in a situation that was less than perfect. Because even though I told myself that it was perfect in the beginning (before I knew he was an addict), it really wasn't. I was just... settling. I have unresolved difficulties from my childhood. I mean, most people do, I would venture to say that 99.99% of us have baggage we don't know we are carrying until we are in our 40s (even if we are still in a happy marriage with a totally functional and respectful human being who isn't an addict)... but some people are just easier to "fool" than others because of their specific baggage. I know you say that your addict wasn't using you... but actually... might you consider that maybe... it could be that he wanted the relationship for his ego? Maybe he wanted to be "normal". Maybe he wanted to be with someone who was going to care about him? He wanted to fill the gaping wound in himself that he usually filled with drugs or drink... and then he discovered that you were not enough to fill it because no one is enough to fill it. In short: he was trying to snort/inject/smoke/or drink you. But... he wasn't "normal" and he knew he could not care about you in the same way that you cared about him. What do you think about that theory? Would it make you feel better if you knew his motivations... even though it's not possible to know since he probably has not thought deeply about them himself?
I think if my exAH had left me early, early on... it would have shown that he respected me enough not to then proceed to lie to me for years and years. It would have shown that he actually valued me: "I'll save this one for when I'm done with torturing myself and I'm able to be a contributing partner in a relationship." But then... that would have shown a capacity for self-reflection... and that's the last thing an active addict wants to do because they are busy trying to numb their scary feelings.
Please go easy on yourself. I know that, especially in your 40s, time goes in a blink of an eye. I think I waste so much time healing. I think people who are "normies" don't understand why I have to "waste" so much time healing. I've been told, "you'll know better what to do or not to do with the next 'one'"... but I am not ready for a "next one" right now no matter what I actually WANT. I want to get myself right before I'm 50. I don't want to have to re-learn this lesson again at 50 because I've rushed my recovery. I mean, for example, I don't exercise every day and I have been meaning to do it for years. Simple things like that. So hard to do. I have been meaning to lose weight... for months. I have been meaning to get a better job... . You're going through a difficult time because you have lost so much: your grandma, this guy... . I also find middle-age has been more difficult than adolescence. In your late 40s, you're coming into menopause (I'm already in it), and for many people it's a roller coaster. You need to increase self-care by 200%. Exercise. Food. Relaxation. Prayer (if you pray). Be around people who really value you, who share your values.
What do you need to do to look after you that you are not doing today?
If you put a cake in the oven, don't take it out before it's done or it will fall.
But it does hurt when someone just... literally "disappears". It's as if they have erased your history with them (or are trying to). It's a huge mind-twister [I'm not going to insert an asterisk there cause the last time I did that, my entire post got erased and I was given a warning... so just a heads-up... the system does the censoring for you]. When they tell you they love you, then they show that they don't... you feel betrayed and you don't understand what you could have done to deserve it... because you don't deserve it! It's not your fault.
It took a long time for me to figure out why I allowed myself to even get involved in a situation that was less than perfect. Because even though I told myself that it was perfect in the beginning (before I knew he was an addict), it really wasn't. I was just... settling. I have unresolved difficulties from my childhood. I mean, most people do, I would venture to say that 99.99% of us have baggage we don't know we are carrying until we are in our 40s (even if we are still in a happy marriage with a totally functional and respectful human being who isn't an addict)... but some people are just easier to "fool" than others because of their specific baggage. I know you say that your addict wasn't using you... but actually... might you consider that maybe... it could be that he wanted the relationship for his ego? Maybe he wanted to be "normal". Maybe he wanted to be with someone who was going to care about him? He wanted to fill the gaping wound in himself that he usually filled with drugs or drink... and then he discovered that you were not enough to fill it because no one is enough to fill it. In short: he was trying to snort/inject/smoke/or drink you. But... he wasn't "normal" and he knew he could not care about you in the same way that you cared about him. What do you think about that theory? Would it make you feel better if you knew his motivations... even though it's not possible to know since he probably has not thought deeply about them himself?
I think if my exAH had left me early, early on... it would have shown that he respected me enough not to then proceed to lie to me for years and years. It would have shown that he actually valued me: "I'll save this one for when I'm done with torturing myself and I'm able to be a contributing partner in a relationship." But then... that would have shown a capacity for self-reflection... and that's the last thing an active addict wants to do because they are busy trying to numb their scary feelings.
Please go easy on yourself. I know that, especially in your 40s, time goes in a blink of an eye. I think I waste so much time healing. I think people who are "normies" don't understand why I have to "waste" so much time healing. I've been told, "you'll know better what to do or not to do with the next 'one'"... but I am not ready for a "next one" right now no matter what I actually WANT. I want to get myself right before I'm 50. I don't want to have to re-learn this lesson again at 50 because I've rushed my recovery. I mean, for example, I don't exercise every day and I have been meaning to do it for years. Simple things like that. So hard to do. I have been meaning to lose weight... for months. I have been meaning to get a better job... . You're going through a difficult time because you have lost so much: your grandma, this guy... . I also find middle-age has been more difficult than adolescence. In your late 40s, you're coming into menopause (I'm already in it), and for many people it's a roller coaster. You need to increase self-care by 200%. Exercise. Food. Relaxation. Prayer (if you pray). Be around people who really value you, who share your values.
What do you need to do to look after you that you are not doing today?
If you put a cake in the oven, don't take it out before it's done or it will fall.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
I agree it's going to take a long time to recover from this. I've been "no contact" for a long time... but it doesn't seem that long. Usually, every time I think I can back away from SR and that I'm fine and I never have to think of addiction again, something happens. Like yesterday, he went past me in a car (he was in the passenger seat, so clearly he had anther enabler), and he rolled down the window and shouted at me really sarcastically, "thanks for the memories!" But the thing is, when they keep contacting you for whatever reason, when they act like this -- crazy, abusive -- it's not like you're being harassed by someone you know, it's like you're being haunted by their evil doppelganger, it's like their evil doppelganger killed the person you once knew and are walking around looking like them... and you wish the evil doppelganger would just drop dead. So in a way he did leave me "suddenly"... because I don't recognize this person that he is today -- it was like one day a mask fell off his face, so it was literally quite sudden. It is not the person I thought I fell in love with. I don't know where that person is -- at the risk of sounding flaky, I think his soul is just... wandering around homeless without a body.
But it does hurt when someone just... literally "disappears". It's as if they have erased your history with them (or are trying to). It's a huge mind-twister [I'm not going to insert an asterisk there cause the last time I did that, my entire post got erased and I was given a warning... so just a heads-up... the system does the censoring for you]. When they tell you they love you, then they show that they don't... you feel betrayed and you don't understand what you could have done to deserve it... because you don't deserve it! It's not your fault.
It took a long time for me to figure out why I allowed myself to even get involved in a situation that was less than perfect. Because even though I told myself that it was perfect in the beginning (before I knew he was an addict), it really wasn't. I was just... settling. I have unresolved difficulties from my childhood. I mean, most people do, I would venture to say that 99.99% of us have baggage we don't know we are carrying until we are in our 40s (even if we are still in a happy marriage with a totally functional and respectful human being who isn't an addict)... but some people are just easier to "fool" than others because of their specific baggage. I know you say that your addict wasn't using you... but actually... might you consider that maybe... it could be that he wanted the relationship for his ego? Maybe he wanted to be "normal". Maybe he wanted to be with someone who was going to care about him? He wanted to fill the gaping wound in himself that he usually filled with drugs or drink... and then he discovered that you were not enough to fill it because no one is enough to fill it. In short: he was trying to snort/inject/smoke/or drink you. But... he wasn't "normal" and he knew he could not care about you in the same way that you cared about him. What do you think about that theory? Would it make you feel better if you knew his motivations... even though it's not possible to know since he probably has not thought deeply about them himself?
I think if my exAH had left me early, early on... it would have shown that he respected me enough not to then proceed to lie to me for years and years. It would have shown that he actually valued me: "I'll save this one for when I'm done with torturing myself and I'm able to be a contributing partner in a relationship." But then... that would have shown a capacity for self-reflection... and that's the last thing an active addict wants to do because they are busy trying to numb their scary feelings.
Please go easy on yourself. I know that, especially in your 40s, time goes in a blink of an eye. I think I waste so much time healing. I think people who are "normies" don't understand why I have to "waste" so much time healing. I've been told, "you'll know better what to do or not to do with the next 'one'"... but I am not ready for a "next one" right now no matter what I actually WANT. I want to get myself right before I'm 50. I don't want to have to re-learn this lesson again at 50 because I've rushed my recovery. I mean, for example, I don't exercise every day and I have been meaning to do it for years. Simple things like that. So hard to do. I have been meaning to lose weight... for months. I have been meaning to get a better job... . You're going through a difficult time because you have lost so much: your grandma, this guy... . I also find middle-age has been more difficult than adolescence. In your late 40s, you're coming into menopause (I'm already in it), and for many people it's a roller coaster. You need to increase self-care by 200%. Exercise. Food. Relaxation. Prayer (if you pray). Be around people who really value you, who share your values.
What do you need to do to look after you that you are not doing today?
If you put a cake in the oven, don't take it out before it's done or it will fall.
But it does hurt when someone just... literally "disappears". It's as if they have erased your history with them (or are trying to). It's a huge mind-twister [I'm not going to insert an asterisk there cause the last time I did that, my entire post got erased and I was given a warning... so just a heads-up... the system does the censoring for you]. When they tell you they love you, then they show that they don't... you feel betrayed and you don't understand what you could have done to deserve it... because you don't deserve it! It's not your fault.
It took a long time for me to figure out why I allowed myself to even get involved in a situation that was less than perfect. Because even though I told myself that it was perfect in the beginning (before I knew he was an addict), it really wasn't. I was just... settling. I have unresolved difficulties from my childhood. I mean, most people do, I would venture to say that 99.99% of us have baggage we don't know we are carrying until we are in our 40s (even if we are still in a happy marriage with a totally functional and respectful human being who isn't an addict)... but some people are just easier to "fool" than others because of their specific baggage. I know you say that your addict wasn't using you... but actually... might you consider that maybe... it could be that he wanted the relationship for his ego? Maybe he wanted to be "normal". Maybe he wanted to be with someone who was going to care about him? He wanted to fill the gaping wound in himself that he usually filled with drugs or drink... and then he discovered that you were not enough to fill it because no one is enough to fill it. In short: he was trying to snort/inject/smoke/or drink you. But... he wasn't "normal" and he knew he could not care about you in the same way that you cared about him. What do you think about that theory? Would it make you feel better if you knew his motivations... even though it's not possible to know since he probably has not thought deeply about them himself?
I think if my exAH had left me early, early on... it would have shown that he respected me enough not to then proceed to lie to me for years and years. It would have shown that he actually valued me: "I'll save this one for when I'm done with torturing myself and I'm able to be a contributing partner in a relationship." But then... that would have shown a capacity for self-reflection... and that's the last thing an active addict wants to do because they are busy trying to numb their scary feelings.
Please go easy on yourself. I know that, especially in your 40s, time goes in a blink of an eye. I think I waste so much time healing. I think people who are "normies" don't understand why I have to "waste" so much time healing. I've been told, "you'll know better what to do or not to do with the next 'one'"... but I am not ready for a "next one" right now no matter what I actually WANT. I want to get myself right before I'm 50. I don't want to have to re-learn this lesson again at 50 because I've rushed my recovery. I mean, for example, I don't exercise every day and I have been meaning to do it for years. Simple things like that. So hard to do. I have been meaning to lose weight... for months. I have been meaning to get a better job... . You're going through a difficult time because you have lost so much: your grandma, this guy... . I also find middle-age has been more difficult than adolescence. In your late 40s, you're coming into menopause (I'm already in it), and for many people it's a roller coaster. You need to increase self-care by 200%. Exercise. Food. Relaxation. Prayer (if you pray). Be around people who really value you, who share your values.
What do you need to do to look after you that you are not doing today?
If you put a cake in the oven, don't take it out before it's done or it will fall.
And to be clear, I never said he wasn't using me. I actually said I can't say he wasn't using me, I just couldn't figure out what for. But I def feel what you said could be a strong possibility. I'm trying to stop figuring it out b/c it was driving me nuts. I'm trying to stay in the realm of 'bottom lining it' and knowing that regardless, the outcome is still the same. He's still an addict. He left me. I don't want to live life with an addict. Period.
I'm so sorry for all you've gone through. I def can relate to seeing their evil doppelganger b/c in the past I saw my ex that way. I would see him being that person leading up to us breaking up. He was just such an a$$hole. Just so mean. I hate you have to see your ex around town like that. My ex lives a few towns away. It's like 20-25 min away. So I don't have to worry about seeing him around town. I mean it's not impossible that he may come here sometimes, but he usually stays in his area.
It's actually something I keep praying doesn't happen. I do NOT want to see him. I hate you've been through so much pain, and that you feel you're not ready for what you really want b/c you want to continue the healing process. Sometimes I wonder "Am I ever going to be ready?" I mean damn. Lol. I feel I'm in a perpetual state of trying to be 'ready'. It's exhausting. But I'm like you in that, I just don't want to get involved in a serious relationship anytime soon and want to make sure I've resolved some things first.
Ugh. I just know it has to get better from here. I pray so for you as well, and everyone on here actually. We all deserve healthy relationships. We deserve to love ourselves and feel loved.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Originally Posted by gemini7
**I don't mean this in a funny way at all, but I feel it's obvious what I was looking for. I was just looking for someone who understood and could maybe give me advice on handling this particular kind of ending. But at this point, it just doesn't matter anymore. He left. The end.
And thank you for what you said about it not being like trash, but just that I was in the way of his addiction. In my opinion, loving an addict is a mind freak. It messes with your head. It takes a minute for the fog to lift and see things for what they are.
And thank you for what you said about it not being like trash, but just that I was in the way of his addiction. In my opinion, loving an addict is a mind freak. It messes with your head. It takes a minute for the fog to lift and see things for what they are.
I get what you mean. I also think that reading many threads can help you with that coping. Having someone take off like that totally sucks, is awful and traumatic and hurtful (you already know this I know). But also, having to leave your Husband and take your children away from their Father or having the alcoholic as you to leave him alone to drink or having them sent to prison or court ordered rehab or having them bail on you and go live with Mom and Dad and choose not to return home is also hugely traumatic.
The coping mechanisms you need to get in place are identical. In all cases your self worth is shaken.
The message is the same. It's not you. It might help if you say that to yourself, it's not you - understand it, mean it. There is nothing "wrong" with you, you are not "unworthy" of anything. He had to choose between drugs or you (and his family I might add).
To really understand this you need to understand the drive of the addiction and to do that you need to really let it sink in. To understand that drinking or any DOC is like breathing, it is their friend, their relaxation, their coping mechanism.
For instance, he took off. Did you pick up a bottle of whiskey? Drink yourself in to oblivion? No, you reached out here and elsewhere. You tried to make sense of it, you have probably researched, you are looking to others to see how they coped.
What if you didn't have any of those skills and someone decided to take away your alcohol.
It's hard to imagine, I know, hard to wrap your head around because it's not logical if you are not an alcoholic. It's like telling them to cut their arm off, who is going to choose that? Well some do and they make it through but it's long and it's painful.
It is foggy and it does take time to clear and believe me people here GET that, so don't worry.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Hello Gemini, sorry you are going through this. I know it hurts but maybe it is a blessing to have a clean break. You can focus on getting well and building a good life for yourself.
Thank you so much for this line. I am just being able to see this, has taken me a long time but YES I am merely a resource to AH.
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
It took a while for me to accept that I was merely a resource.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Hey Gemini, it was Raindrops that never heard from her stb exAH again:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ther-side.html (My story- need advise from the other side)
She actually left him.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ther-side.html (My story- need advise from the other side)
She actually left him.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,152
Sometimes in breakups, you are not given closure from the other person. It's an uncomfortable feeling. This is one of those things you have to do on your own. Your closure comes when you accept that you don't have closure, and are going to be OK and move on. So much of the time, what the ex gives you isn't the truth anyway, so it only seems like closure.
But closure isn't the real issue. Getting over the loss is, and that's hard with or without closure. Your dealing with one of those things you don't get to control. And there's only one thing to do. Accept it with grace and dignity. You have that in you, and you will be a better person when you find it.
I might be missing the point here. If so, carry on.
But closure isn't the real issue. Getting over the loss is, and that's hard with or without closure. Your dealing with one of those things you don't get to control. And there's only one thing to do. Accept it with grace and dignity. You have that in you, and you will be a better person when you find it.
I might be missing the point here. If so, carry on.
Last edited by DriGuy; 11-26-2018 at 11:15 AM. Reason: addendum
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Originally Posted by trailmix
No, I get it and just want to clarify that when I said "i'm not sure what you are looking for" I didn't mean to sound short - not my intent (but did realize afterward it might sound that way), just truly looking for clarification.
I get what you mean. I also think that reading many threads can help you with that coping. Having someone take off like that totally sucks, is awful and traumatic and hurtful (you already know this I know). But also, having to leave your Husband and take your children away from their Father or having the alcoholic as you to leave him alone to drink or having them sent to prison or court ordered rehab or having them bail on you and go live with Mom and Dad and choose not to return home is also hugely traumatic.
The coping mechanisms you need to get in place are identical. In all cases your self worth is shaken.
The message is the same. It's not you. It might help if you say that to yourself, it's not you - understand it, mean it. There is nothing "wrong" with you, you are not "unworthy" of anything. He had to choose between drugs or you (and his family I might add).
To really understand this you need to understand the drive of the addiction and to do that you need to really let it sink in. To understand that drinking or any DOC is like breathing, it is their friend, their relaxation, their coping mechanism.
For instance, he took off. Did you pick up a bottle of whiskey? Drink yourself in to oblivion? No, you reached out here and elsewhere. You tried to make sense of it, you have probably researched, you are looking to others to see how they coped.
What if you didn't have any of those skills and someone decided to take away your alcohol.
It's hard to imagine, I know, hard to wrap your head around because it's not logical if you are not an alcoholic. It's like telling them to cut their arm off, who is going to choose that? Well some do and they make it through but it's long and it's painful.
It is foggy and it does take time to clear and believe me people here GET that, so don't worry.
I get what you mean. I also think that reading many threads can help you with that coping. Having someone take off like that totally sucks, is awful and traumatic and hurtful (you already know this I know). But also, having to leave your Husband and take your children away from their Father or having the alcoholic as you to leave him alone to drink or having them sent to prison or court ordered rehab or having them bail on you and go live with Mom and Dad and choose not to return home is also hugely traumatic.
The coping mechanisms you need to get in place are identical. In all cases your self worth is shaken.
The message is the same. It's not you. It might help if you say that to yourself, it's not you - understand it, mean it. There is nothing "wrong" with you, you are not "unworthy" of anything. He had to choose between drugs or you (and his family I might add).
To really understand this you need to understand the drive of the addiction and to do that you need to really let it sink in. To understand that drinking or any DOC is like breathing, it is their friend, their relaxation, their coping mechanism.
For instance, he took off. Did you pick up a bottle of whiskey? Drink yourself in to oblivion? No, you reached out here and elsewhere. You tried to make sense of it, you have probably researched, you are looking to others to see how they coped.
What if you didn't have any of those skills and someone decided to take away your alcohol.
It's hard to imagine, I know, hard to wrap your head around because it's not logical if you are not an alcoholic. It's like telling them to cut their arm off, who is going to choose that? Well some do and they make it through but it's long and it's painful.
It is foggy and it does take time to clear and believe me people here GET that, so don't worry.
And I feel that it is all starting to sink in now that this was def not about me. It's hard in the moments when I heard he "looked good" or looked "clean cut" b/c then you're thinking to yourself that they must be living it up out there and maybe it wasn't about drugs after all and that he just left me for another woman, or whatever. But I know it's about drugs. I mean he got high prob his second night after getting home. Anyway, I just feel regardless, it doesn't matter. He left.
So b/c he left, I have to pick up the pieces and move on. I have accepted it more now. I can't say I'm 100% there, but I feel like I'm 85% there. Again, I knew right away when I found out he got high again that I wasn't going to be with him. So the issue has never been about wanting to be with him again as an active addict. I don't want to be with him again period. I just don't want the stress of being with an addict. So even if he got clean, still don't want to be with him.
I agree, we're all dealing with trauma, no matter what the exact situation is. I honestly feel like this whole relationship has given me PTSD. I've already been diagnosed with it for other reasons, but this has just been hell on earth. I am so grateful for this site and these forums. I'm sure many of us take comfort here in that we're not alone.
And to your point about addiction-Alcoholism runs in my family. I've seen it up close. I never saw drug addiction up close (until now, of course), but I know it's basically the same. I've watched 'Intervention' on A&E for years and seeing both sides is heartbreaking. I truly feel for addicts. I feel for my ex. It's actually very sad to me. He has had a life filled with trauma. All I can do is pray for him.
I appreciate you trailmix.
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Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
Hello Gemini, sorry you are going through this. I know it hurts but maybe it is a blessing to have a clean break. You can focus on getting well and building a good life for yourself.
Thank you so much for this line. I am just being able to see this, has taken me a long time but YES I am merely a resource to AH.
Thank you so much for this line. I am just being able to see this, has taken me a long time but YES I am merely a resource to AH.
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