Addict is mean
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 69
Addict is mean
30 year daughter has been out of rehab two months and she is miserable .She's mean depressed and says she hates me because I'm making her live in a place she hates.
I understand all of this but how much longer is she going to be so mean.
I keep telling her that she has come so far.Her reply is "I'd rather die on drugs, then live like this."
I know there is no real answer.
I understand all of this but how much longer is she going to be so mean.
I keep telling her that she has come so far.Her reply is "I'd rather die on drugs, then live like this."
I know there is no real answer.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I'm sorry you have to go through this. Sadly, there's no easy answer for "how long". When addicts come off drugs, it's not only their bodies that have to adjust to their absence. It's their minds, too. Hence, the "I'd rather die on drugs..." twaddle.
Don't take any of this personally. It's not about you, it's about her. And remember that you're not under any obligation to put up with anyone's abuse, even if it's coming from family.
Don't take any of this personally. It's not about you, it's about her. And remember that you're not under any obligation to put up with anyone's abuse, even if it's coming from family.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but perhaps she should see a doctor about depression. It is not uncommon especially when addicts first get clean.
Is she working any kind of program or receiving counseling?
It's hard to say why she is like this or how long it will continue, but regardless of the reason, you don't have to listen to her mean words. A good boundary might be "I love you and will speak to you about anything, anytime, but if you become disrespectful, the conversation is over right then". I know this boundary well, it's one I had to hold firmly in place with my own son.
Keeping you both in my prayers.
Is she working any kind of program or receiving counseling?
It's hard to say why she is like this or how long it will continue, but regardless of the reason, you don't have to listen to her mean words. A good boundary might be "I love you and will speak to you about anything, anytime, but if you become disrespectful, the conversation is over right then". I know this boundary well, it's one I had to hold firmly in place with my own son.
Keeping you both in my prayers.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Walkedon, I'm sorry you are still being abused by your adult daughter. I know you want to help her, but there comes a time, even if she does have a history of mental illness, that you have to step back and let her live her own life as she sees fit...even if that means using and living on the streets.
There are many parents on this board who have had to turn their adult children over to God, say a prayer for them each morning, and let it be. I'm sure that sounds awful, but if you continue down this road with her, she will drag you down with her.
There are many parents on this board who have had to turn their adult children over to God, say a prayer for them each morning, and let it be. I'm sure that sounds awful, but if you continue down this road with her, she will drag you down with her.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Walkedon
Sadly, she is likely to be unable to be different until she figures out what has a grip on her and decides she wants to be free of it.
If there is untreated mental illness, nothing will get better until that is addressed. And - An addict will always blame others until they are ready to take responsibility for their choices.
At 30, she's an adult, so if there is a way to get her to cooperate with getting a mental health evaluation, its a good place to start.
Addicts who are not ready for recovery and many types of mental illness show up as anger, blaming and irritability. The disease would like you to take it personally, try not to fall for it.
In all my journeys, whether related to mental illness or chemical dependency, setting boundaries is important in keeping yourself "in the game" so to speak. You must protect your energy and your sanity so that you maintain the balance and perspective to sort things out for yourself. If you maintain the right distance, you'll be able to discern if or when to turn her over to God and in what way.
If you set the boundary that you will not be spoken to in a certain way or that there are certain topics that you can only agree to disagree, then at least it limits conversations to things you can do something about. This is one way to let go that limits the negative exposure, but it is very difficult.
In this regard, Dialectic Behavior Therapy techniques (there are many good books on the topic) or the Book "I'm not sick, I don't need help" might give some ways of communicating that could help set some boundaries while you are working through this. If she simply fails to respect the boundaries you set that allow you to stay whole and grounded while she works through her issues, then you'll know that at the very least, you might have to make a decision between helping her and your own survival (hope it doesn't come to that).
I do understand how heartbreaking it is to have someone you love, who you are trying to help, treat you so very badly. The disease can really get between people.
I read a recent article about addiction and treatment that summed it up like this - Even the worst programs help people who want to change, and even the best programs don't work when a person is not embracing change.
Prayers that you find the approach that gives you the best possible outcome (whatever that is).
Sadly, she is likely to be unable to be different until she figures out what has a grip on her and decides she wants to be free of it.
If there is untreated mental illness, nothing will get better until that is addressed. And - An addict will always blame others until they are ready to take responsibility for their choices.
At 30, she's an adult, so if there is a way to get her to cooperate with getting a mental health evaluation, its a good place to start.
Addicts who are not ready for recovery and many types of mental illness show up as anger, blaming and irritability. The disease would like you to take it personally, try not to fall for it.
In all my journeys, whether related to mental illness or chemical dependency, setting boundaries is important in keeping yourself "in the game" so to speak. You must protect your energy and your sanity so that you maintain the balance and perspective to sort things out for yourself. If you maintain the right distance, you'll be able to discern if or when to turn her over to God and in what way.
If you set the boundary that you will not be spoken to in a certain way or that there are certain topics that you can only agree to disagree, then at least it limits conversations to things you can do something about. This is one way to let go that limits the negative exposure, but it is very difficult.
In this regard, Dialectic Behavior Therapy techniques (there are many good books on the topic) or the Book "I'm not sick, I don't need help" might give some ways of communicating that could help set some boundaries while you are working through this. If she simply fails to respect the boundaries you set that allow you to stay whole and grounded while she works through her issues, then you'll know that at the very least, you might have to make a decision between helping her and your own survival (hope it doesn't come to that).
I do understand how heartbreaking it is to have someone you love, who you are trying to help, treat you so very badly. The disease can really get between people.
I read a recent article about addiction and treatment that summed it up like this - Even the worst programs help people who want to change, and even the best programs don't work when a person is not embracing change.
Prayers that you find the approach that gives you the best possible outcome (whatever that is).
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It’s pretty crappy when an adult doesn’t know how to deal with their own emotions in healthy ways. They have become so use to numbing any feelings that once that numbing solvent is no longer there they don’t really know how to handle their emotions in any healthy kind of way. She could spend the rest of her life being angry, blaming others and always being the victim. She could also find her way to learning new kinds of coping skills that work to her benefit. Only time will tell. But in the meantime maybe it’s time for you to learn some new coping skills to sue with the addict in your life.
I have found that listening is about all you can do and attempting to offer solutions for them to take is not what they really want to hear and often becomes the match that lights their anger fuse. Try not to offer any kind of advice or suggestions if not specifically asked by her. Try not to allow the conversation to become a negotiation where she attempts to get her unhealthy way.
Maybe try and reply to her outlandish remarks with…………..
I’m sorry you feel that way but I have to run talk to you soon. And hang up.
I have found that listening is about all you can do and attempting to offer solutions for them to take is not what they really want to hear and often becomes the match that lights their anger fuse. Try not to offer any kind of advice or suggestions if not specifically asked by her. Try not to allow the conversation to become a negotiation where she attempts to get her unhealthy way.
Maybe try and reply to her outlandish remarks with…………..
I’m sorry you feel that way but I have to run talk to you soon. And hang up.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 91
Agree with Ann. I would imagine that depression is a prevalent ingredient in the majority of addicts and alcoholics brains. I used pot and booze for 10 years after high school but nothing got better til I started taking antidepressants. That and therapy kept me passing the open windows.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 69
Troubledone,I bought the book I'm not sick..i don't need help.
I'm trying to learn to talk to my daughter using some of these principles. I don't know if they help but it keeps me calmer.
I found out she used again two weeks ago.,which would explain the recent pysch. Symptoms.
I'm trying to learn to talk to my daughter using some of these principles. I don't know if they help but it keeps me calmer.
I found out she used again two weeks ago.,which would explain the recent pysch. Symptoms.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
I look at things like resentment or mean as the true person deep down. The drugs and mental state lower impulse control. They could be resentful for the littlest of things but are now acting on a deep buried grudge because lack of impulse control brings it the surface.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 178
My son, too, was angry. If we would just leave him alone to do what he wanted to do everything would be fine. Why did we have to interfere in his life? Etc. So in the Fall 2017 he paid the price for that. He didn't want any help, he knew everything, and he landed himself in jail for 60 days. As much as I hated it, it was a turning point for him. Maybe it was his personal 'bottom", IDK but he came out motivated and strong to stay clean. It's exactly one year later and he has a full time job, attends NA meetings regularly, and is paying off his bills.
Letting go when he was out of control was the hardest thing I ever did, and living through his time in jail was hell. I cried every day, ended up on two rx medications... but in the end, it was a new beginning for him.
Sending hugs and hope that things will begin to turn around for your daughter.
Letting go when he was out of control was the hardest thing I ever did, and living through his time in jail was hell. I cried every day, ended up on two rx medications... but in the end, it was a new beginning for him.
Sending hugs and hope that things will begin to turn around for your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Walkedon 
Troubledone,I bought the book I'm not sick..i don't need help.
I'm trying to learn to talk to my daughter using some of these principles. I don't know if they help but it keeps me calmer.
I found out she used again two weeks ago.,which would explain the recent pysch. Symptoms.
I'm trying to learn to talk to my daughter using some of these principles. I don't know if they help but it keeps me calmer.
I found out she used again two weeks ago.,which would explain the recent pysch. Symptoms.
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