Venting whats on my mind!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 9
Venting whats on my mind!
So i posted on here a while back, but read pretty much every comment written by everyone. I have a pretty good support system (family and friends) that i talk to about this but i am a single mother raising a two year old so i dont have the time available to start al-anon/nar-anon. But sometimes i hold back from family a little because, well frankly, i dont want to look like the idiot that decided to stay with my Addict for so long. But i know i can do that without judgement here. So here it goes..
He’s back on drugs, idk what specific drug this time or how bad its gotten or who he’s hanging out with and to be honest, i dont want to know. No new contact=no new hurt, am i right? I am just trying to cope with things as well as taking it day by day. Sometimes it just sucks when i know i cant be weak because i know whats best for my child is a strong mom who can hold her s*** together at the hardest times. But what makes it a little less unbearable is when my kid looks at me with a smile from ear to ear and studders the words “love you mommy”. Thats what i live for.
Last time i heard from him, i had a weak moment (which is okay because we are human) and told him that i miss him sometimes and i hate him for making me love him. So he respended with “i dont care about you, do whatever you want. How is my child doing/when can i see my child”. And then it got me thinking, he’s an addict. His addiction is the problem so he cant see the views that we see. He hasnt seen his child in almost a month. Why? Cause hes on drugs. I cant trust him with telling me what or where hes going but he expects me to trust him with my baby? Absolutely not! And then he called and said he was at his grandmas house (no good, full of addicts and alcoholics) and he only went there cause he was thinking about coming to my house, kicking down my door just to hug our child until the cops arrive! But get this, he claims hes sober and only had a slip up a month ago cause he smoked a joint. Umm last time i checked, marijuana doesn’t make you lose your FREAKING MIND!! Not to mention, i blocked his number and so hes been sending me emails every day that sounds scripted “hi, hows ‘said child’, does ‘said child’ need anything, when can i see ‘said child’”. Its almost like hes trying to get a paper trail to take to court and be like “here, I’ve been trying to see my child and she wont let me”. So here is my dilemma, i keep going back and forth about putting a restraining order against him for saying he was going to pretty much, invade my home but i dont have proof because he said it on the phone. My family member told me to download an app that lets you record phone calls but i dont plan on talking to him again. But it has my anxiety through the roof. Everytime my dogs start barking, im looking out the windows seeing if anyone is pulling up the driveway. But heres the thing, i honestly find it comforting knowing we are still on his mind and that hes alive without talking to his family, because they’re all just as bad as he is. What do you guys think about the restraining order? And if so, how would i go about getting one for me and my child?
He’s back on drugs, idk what specific drug this time or how bad its gotten or who he’s hanging out with and to be honest, i dont want to know. No new contact=no new hurt, am i right? I am just trying to cope with things as well as taking it day by day. Sometimes it just sucks when i know i cant be weak because i know whats best for my child is a strong mom who can hold her s*** together at the hardest times. But what makes it a little less unbearable is when my kid looks at me with a smile from ear to ear and studders the words “love you mommy”. Thats what i live for.
Last time i heard from him, i had a weak moment (which is okay because we are human) and told him that i miss him sometimes and i hate him for making me love him. So he respended with “i dont care about you, do whatever you want. How is my child doing/when can i see my child”. And then it got me thinking, he’s an addict. His addiction is the problem so he cant see the views that we see. He hasnt seen his child in almost a month. Why? Cause hes on drugs. I cant trust him with telling me what or where hes going but he expects me to trust him with my baby? Absolutely not! And then he called and said he was at his grandmas house (no good, full of addicts and alcoholics) and he only went there cause he was thinking about coming to my house, kicking down my door just to hug our child until the cops arrive! But get this, he claims hes sober and only had a slip up a month ago cause he smoked a joint. Umm last time i checked, marijuana doesn’t make you lose your FREAKING MIND!! Not to mention, i blocked his number and so hes been sending me emails every day that sounds scripted “hi, hows ‘said child’, does ‘said child’ need anything, when can i see ‘said child’”. Its almost like hes trying to get a paper trail to take to court and be like “here, I’ve been trying to see my child and she wont let me”. So here is my dilemma, i keep going back and forth about putting a restraining order against him for saying he was going to pretty much, invade my home but i dont have proof because he said it on the phone. My family member told me to download an app that lets you record phone calls but i dont plan on talking to him again. But it has my anxiety through the roof. Everytime my dogs start barking, im looking out the windows seeing if anyone is pulling up the driveway. But heres the thing, i honestly find it comforting knowing we are still on his mind and that hes alive without talking to his family, because they’re all just as bad as he is. What do you guys think about the restraining order? And if so, how would i go about getting one for me and my child?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
If I were in your shoes I would call the local police department (not the emergency line) and ask to talk to one of the officers or the sergeant. I would tell them your dilemma and get some advice.
I would also call the local courts or county social workers, welfare office, child protective services and anyone else I could think of that might be even remotely interested in giving me information.
Often if you talk to enough of them you can find someone who can give you advice you need and sometimes it is something you might not have even thought to ask. Where I live, they offer paperwork to start the restraining order process at the county court. Also, if you qualify and your county provides them, often there are court appointed lawyers that will consult with you. It does not hurt to ask.
Find out what you need to do to get a restraining order and start documenting the proof. I would also say, if he shows up at your door, call the police immediately (before you answer it) - hopefully from an upstairs locked bedroom. Make sure one of your rooms has a lock or a way for you to stay safe until they come. And, if he threatens to show up, call the police and register the threat - maybe ask them to come if they have the time because you fear for your safety. Every visit goes in their log and can also be evidence over time. Try not to do it too often so you don't look like the boy who cried wolf, but if you think it might be real, call them - especially if you can record the threat and play it back for them. If you have that, they will probably come each time he threatens.
If you can record conversations, do it. And if he threatens you, keep making police reports.
I have found that when my addict was in full blown active addiction, developing a professional relationship with the local police paid dividends in the long run. They ended up calling me when my addict got arrested, and that led to getting her help.
Police will also do a health and welfare check and you could call them to come and do a check on you because of the threat.
If you are cordial, professional and connect with police, social workers, children's services and other social service people to get information, when you need them they will know you and your situation. Always thank them for their help - I found that because I was professional and grateful, they remembered my situation and many went out of their way when I needed them.
Lastly, if you can afford a lawyer, get one and learn your rights. If you can't afford one, look into women's shelters to find out if they have lawyers who do pro-bono work. Many women's shelters and women's rehab facilities know people who help in that way. If you call one and they say no, ask them if they know of another facility or keep calling places until you find your answers.
I found that if I wasn't shy about asking, after a few phone calls I started piecing together information I needed.
The one thing you want to be sure to do is to appear to be the rational one (with the police and other professionals) while you build the case to get the restraining order. If you do get one, expect him to violate it and be prepared to call the police when he does. Then if he ever tries to sue for custody or something, you have history and a case.
You seem to be doing a wonderful job staying strong. Prayers for your success in protecting your child. Hope some of this is helpful.
I would also call the local courts or county social workers, welfare office, child protective services and anyone else I could think of that might be even remotely interested in giving me information.
Often if you talk to enough of them you can find someone who can give you advice you need and sometimes it is something you might not have even thought to ask. Where I live, they offer paperwork to start the restraining order process at the county court. Also, if you qualify and your county provides them, often there are court appointed lawyers that will consult with you. It does not hurt to ask.
Find out what you need to do to get a restraining order and start documenting the proof. I would also say, if he shows up at your door, call the police immediately (before you answer it) - hopefully from an upstairs locked bedroom. Make sure one of your rooms has a lock or a way for you to stay safe until they come. And, if he threatens to show up, call the police and register the threat - maybe ask them to come if they have the time because you fear for your safety. Every visit goes in their log and can also be evidence over time. Try not to do it too often so you don't look like the boy who cried wolf, but if you think it might be real, call them - especially if you can record the threat and play it back for them. If you have that, they will probably come each time he threatens.
If you can record conversations, do it. And if he threatens you, keep making police reports.
I have found that when my addict was in full blown active addiction, developing a professional relationship with the local police paid dividends in the long run. They ended up calling me when my addict got arrested, and that led to getting her help.
Police will also do a health and welfare check and you could call them to come and do a check on you because of the threat.
If you are cordial, professional and connect with police, social workers, children's services and other social service people to get information, when you need them they will know you and your situation. Always thank them for their help - I found that because I was professional and grateful, they remembered my situation and many went out of their way when I needed them.
Lastly, if you can afford a lawyer, get one and learn your rights. If you can't afford one, look into women's shelters to find out if they have lawyers who do pro-bono work. Many women's shelters and women's rehab facilities know people who help in that way. If you call one and they say no, ask them if they know of another facility or keep calling places until you find your answers.
I found that if I wasn't shy about asking, after a few phone calls I started piecing together information I needed.
The one thing you want to be sure to do is to appear to be the rational one (with the police and other professionals) while you build the case to get the restraining order. If you do get one, expect him to violate it and be prepared to call the police when he does. Then if he ever tries to sue for custody or something, you have history and a case.
You seem to be doing a wonderful job staying strong. Prayers for your success in protecting your child. Hope some of this is helpful.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
And then he called and said he was at his grandmas house (no good, full of addicts and alcoholics) and he only went there cause he was thinking about coming to my house, kicking down my door just to hug our child until the cops arrive!
Good suggestions were given by Troubledone, DO let the police know about his threat, DO get a protective order for you AND your precious child. Contact a lawyer and find out your rights and then enforce them. And..then get that restraining order and use it. Don't talk to him, do not open your door to him. Call the police if he persists or threatens you.
I'm not sure that you realize how volatile you situation is, please believe what he said and take action.
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