What's expected of me now

Old 11-12-2018, 07:30 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 69
What's expected of me now

My daughter has been out of the hospital and sober for two months.,4 months sober counting the hospital and rehab.
What is expected of me now? I know it's not about me but ....
I get her to doctors appt,and therapy but I dont want to be with to much. I would like a normal relationship but I dont know how to get there.
Walkedon is offline  
Old 11-13-2018, 07:01 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I personally would sit down with her and have a conversation with her that you are proud of her and look forward to having a normal mother/daughter relationship and that you look forward to walking beside her in her journey.

That is just my two cents. While my DD is not an addict, she is having some other issues and her therapist helped me see that this is the best thing I can do for her, walk beside her and LISTEN.

I would definitely set healthy boundaries for yourself, as you should with any relationship.

I hope this helps!
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 11-13-2018, 11:13 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Troubledone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
I find your question thought provoking "What is expected of me now".

Apologies if this seems too philosophical, my first thought was - who is doing the expecting?

I find I like to check out the questions I ask myself because sometimes my answer is in asking a different question.

Maybe another one might be: What is the best thing I can do, day by day, to help myself and my daughter heal, recover, build a better life?

that is s much harder question and requires that each and every day I look at what's happening, do what I feel called to do and check out the results. (mostly because I don't always make the best call).

That's where I found posting here about specifics and attending meetings can help. There are many people with a lot of experience that can provide perspective and challenging questions that help all of us figure out this labyrinth or relationship.

I do resonate very much with what hopeful said. Staying in loving relationship while setting boundaries that help you live your life in a healthy way is a very good start. It models self-care and keeps the relationship going.

And, I would also say that in my 14 year, three-treatment battle with addiction with my niece (who really is more like a daughter to me), I think I finally figured out that just listening and affirming her ability to figure things out was more helpful than any advice or fixing ever was.

Hoping you find the most healthy balance in this emerging and hopeful time.
Troubledone is offline  
Old 11-13-2018, 01:48 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 69
Troubledone, I have followed your story.We seem to be in similar situations.
I talked to my daughter today.She is angry and depressed. I don't know how to help her and when she is like this I don't want to help her.
Walkedon is offline  
Old 11-13-2018, 07:07 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Troubledone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Walkedon -

I feel your pain. Your daughter is very new out of rehab and newly sober. It is always so hard in the beginning.

All I can offer is that when my niece is acting angry or depressed, I just listen, empathize and affirm the idea that she won't feel like this forever and that she will be able to figure it out one day at a time. I encourage any of the positive things she chooses for herself and try not to give advice that she is likely to see as judging her. Sometimes that helps her, sometimes it doesn't, but it helps me realize in the moment that I can emotionally support her and love her, but it will be up to her to figure out her life.

Is your daughter living at home? How old is she? Was she in the hospital for dual conditions?

If so, so much rides on getting the right meds if there is a dual condition. And it takes a while for that to get sorted out. I was given the advice that my niece after getting the meds right would be very different than before they were balanced out - and it has been true.

I also really understand how confusing this can all be - and exhausting and maddening. This is some of the hardest stuff anyone can go through.

Prayers that you find ways to take exquisite care of yourself as you work through all this. You will need every bit of self care, self compassion and boundaries you can manage to support yourself in order to stay in a healthy place as you navigate this chapter.

If you can do that, you will have the strength to stay present, aware and make decisions based your inner wisdom.

Prayers for your journey - I know how hard it is!
Troubledone is offline  
Old 11-14-2018, 03:45 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
What helped me heal, protect myself and be loving but not enabling to my addict son, was to go to meetings (CoDA was my home group, Al-anon another that I attended) and learn how to set boundaries, how to take care of myself even when my son wasn't taking care of himself, and how to let go of trying to control him and his addiction/recovery.

It took a while, I came to SR around the same time, and I found I learned little things, one at a time, and eventually I could see and feel the change in "me". It felt good to reclaim my life and to learn to live it well.

I hope you will continue to find help for yourself. A healthy you will help make a healthy relationship with your daughter.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 11-14-2018, 08:03 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 69
Today I found out that my daughter lost her health insurance because a paper concerning income was not submitted on time. She will be out of meds soon.By the time I get this fixed she will be at least a month with out therapy or Psychiatric appt.I can pay for the meds in the short term.
It's so frustrating trying to keep this process going. She is 31 and acts like 16. Every time it seems she is about to get some kind of help ,she screws it up because its not what she wants to do.
Walkedon is offline  
Old 11-14-2018, 05:25 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Troubledone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
My heart goes out to you. My niece did the same thing. Sadly, the ultimate outcome was that her behavior got so bad I had to have her committed. to do that, I had to keep a long record of symptoms and behavior, call the mobile pysch unit enough times to create a history and wait until she was in the hospital.

With that (and some other behavior), I was able to talk with our county department that moves forward commitments.

I hope your situation does not get that far, but when someone is an adult, there isn't a lot you can do unless you are in touch with their doctors and have some access to their information. If you do, sometimes in the short term, participating in the mental health piece makes a difference. If they are not stable mentally, not much else works.

If your daughter is mentally ill, consider taking some of the NAMI courses about dealing with that. If she is open to you talking with her doctors, etc., sometimes you can partner with them. If not (like my niece), sometimes the best you can do is set boundaries and wait for an opening (hospitalization or some other event) that allows something to shift.

My niece is 37 and acts 16 (on a good day), but I do see her getting better in a facility where she knows if she doesn't tow the line, she'll be worse off.

wishing you a path to a better place.
Troubledone is offline  
Old 11-15-2018, 06:30 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 69
Something is up with my daughters behaviour. Either she did some Meth recently or she isnt taking her meds right. I immediately think of drugs. The other day she was laughing and acting silly, overly silly. Now she is angry. This is how she acts when using. This can also be states of rapid cycle Bipolar.
I guess I just wait for the crash.
Walkedon is offline  
Old 11-15-2018, 09:05 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ugh. It's possible she is cycling and self medicating.

I know it's awful to just sit back and walk on egg shells all the time. I hope you are doing some things to be kind to yourself and take care YOU!
hopeful4 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:35 AM.