Trying to get over an addict?
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 14
Trying to get over an addict?
I’ve been trying to build my self esteem back up after my drug addict narcissist of a boyfriend has basically destroyed it over the past few months. I have been struggling honestly. Like I try to imagine my life differently with someone else and how I’m going to raise a child on my own and I have to be honest it’s pretty scary. I’m 5 months pregnant with my son and his father doesn’t have a bit of interest in him.
I know I’ve posted on here quite a few times regarding my ex but honestly he has hurt me so bad. Everyone I talk to tells me how much better off I am without him and I’ll be fine,but when you love someone it’s harder to let go. I found out he was talking to girls behind my back,and how he got arrested but he only spent about 9 days in jail. I have no idea who paid his bail or what happened.
I was just so disappointed that he was out. He started calling me and does everyday. I have blocked most of the numbers he calls me from,but he calls privately. Once up to 8 times in like 30 minutes. I finally answered and he never apologized one time for everything he put me through.
He denied that he was talking to other girls even when I saw it with my own eyes. He has asked repeatedly if he can come back home. I tell him no. He keeps asking. It’s hard when I love him but he is so toxic to me. I don’t know how to get over him because even sitting here right now I’m thinking about him and it breaks my heart.
Advice?
I know I’ve posted on here quite a few times regarding my ex but honestly he has hurt me so bad. Everyone I talk to tells me how much better off I am without him and I’ll be fine,but when you love someone it’s harder to let go. I found out he was talking to girls behind my back,and how he got arrested but he only spent about 9 days in jail. I have no idea who paid his bail or what happened.
I was just so disappointed that he was out. He started calling me and does everyday. I have blocked most of the numbers he calls me from,but he calls privately. Once up to 8 times in like 30 minutes. I finally answered and he never apologized one time for everything he put me through.
He denied that he was talking to other girls even when I saw it with my own eyes. He has asked repeatedly if he can come back home. I tell him no. He keeps asking. It’s hard when I love him but he is so toxic to me. I don’t know how to get over him because even sitting here right now I’m thinking about him and it breaks my heart.
Advice?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Stop responding to him. Stop engaging with him. Change your phone number if you have to. The last thing you want around your baby is an addict, especially one who doesn't care about you or the baby.
That is my advice.
That is my advice.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
First, when a breakup is painful like this and after it's been a few days or weeks, the "horribleness" of it starts to fade. That's a self-preservation thing and normal. None of us wants to dwell on the pain of a broken leg or the negatives in a relationship.
So, it can be helpful, to remind yourself, to make an actual list that you carry with you. Whenever you start to romanticize the relationship, refer to the list (even if that's 20 times a day).
He's lied, he's in active addiction and he traffics drugs. You can start your list with that if you like, then try more specific items:
- Disappears for days without contact
- Insults me and my family
- Total disregard for what I need
- Rarely follows through if we make plans
- Careless with money
- Hurt my feelings by saying XYZ
- Doesn't really listen when I speak
I don't know if any of those things apply, just an example.
Write it ALL out and be specific.
Try to focus on yourself, what do you want in your life?
So, it can be helpful, to remind yourself, to make an actual list that you carry with you. Whenever you start to romanticize the relationship, refer to the list (even if that's 20 times a day).
He's lied, he's in active addiction and he traffics drugs. You can start your list with that if you like, then try more specific items:
- Disappears for days without contact
- Insults me and my family
- Total disregard for what I need
- Rarely follows through if we make plans
- Careless with money
- Hurt my feelings by saying XYZ
- Doesn't really listen when I speak
I don't know if any of those things apply, just an example.
Write it ALL out and be specific.
Try to focus on yourself, what do you want in your life?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 9
Michelle4110, Hi again! Haha i just posted on your other thread. So as you know, addicts have weak moments. Even when they are sober, they have urges. It all depends on how they handle it and what they do. We have weak moments as well. That is perfectly normal and that is what makes us human. But again, it depends on how you handle it. The only way things change is if you change it. So when you feel weak, I think it wouldn’t be a bad idea if you made a list either. You can also come to SR or what i like to do is call people who understand and it helps to remind me what i want to achieve in life and where i came from. Maybe try opening up to people in your community. I have met a lot of friends going or have gone through the same stuggles. Build a great support system. Listen and guide them just like they do for you. Its really great knowing you have someone to help you get up when you’re feeling weak. God Bless!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by suki44883 
Stop responding to him. Stop engaging with him. Change your phone number if you have to. The last thing you want around your baby is an addict, especially one who doesn't care about you or the baby.
That is my advice.
That is my advice.
Protect yourself and your baby, count him out of your plans, he will offer nothing but grief and your baby deserves better, and so do you.
Start making a plan for yourself. If you have family support, lean on it. If not, then talk to social services and see what you may be entitled to. Maybe, while you are awaiting the birth of this dear baby, you could take a course or do something to help you make a living after the child is born. It may seem overwhelming, but as you put a plan in place, it will all get easier.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My advise would be to try to get him to sign over rights of the child. You have to put the child first no matter what.
I would then go no contact with him and let yourself grieve. You are grieving a relationship, and it's a process. You are in a hard part of it now, but you will progress if you don't have contact with him, or as very little as possible.
I am so sorry you are going through this, take care of you and your baby.
I would then go no contact with him and let yourself grieve. You are grieving a relationship, and it's a process. You are in a hard part of it now, but you will progress if you don't have contact with him, or as very little as possible.
I am so sorry you are going through this, take care of you and your baby.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It is hard when you still love someone who is not good for you or your life. It is also very easy to push aside how things ended and how bad they got when you are strongly looking at all the good.
The best and most healthiest thing for you to do now for yourself and your unborn child is to not answer any phone calls from any number that you do not know. If it Is an important issue the caller will leave you a message.
Make yourself a list of all the hurtful things he said or did and when you begin to feel like you want him back, read that list. And if you have to do that process a million time then you do it a million times.
The best and most healthiest thing for you to do now for yourself and your unborn child is to not answer any phone calls from any number that you do not know. If it Is an important issue the caller will leave you a message.
Make yourself a list of all the hurtful things he said or did and when you begin to feel like you want him back, read that list. And if you have to do that process a million time then you do it a million times.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Michelle...
Here's the thing: removing someone from our lives is supposed to be difficult. Even if, in your case, he wasn't an addict, breakups suck. There's no magic bullet when it comes to dealing with a situation like this. There's no panacea when it comes to alleviating the pain.
What you can do, however, is live your life the way you want to live it. And that starts with deciding enough is enough, putting him behind you, putting you first, and deciding that you will get through this.
That doesn't mean it's going to be easy. It's not. It's going to suck. But in time, you're going to be fine. Trust me on this...
Here's the thing: removing someone from our lives is supposed to be difficult. Even if, in your case, he wasn't an addict, breakups suck. There's no magic bullet when it comes to dealing with a situation like this. There's no panacea when it comes to alleviating the pain.
What you can do, however, is live your life the way you want to live it. And that starts with deciding enough is enough, putting him behind you, putting you first, and deciding that you will get through this.
That doesn't mean it's going to be easy. It's not. It's going to suck. But in time, you're going to be fine. Trust me on this...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 14
It hurts so bad
Originally Posted by zoso77
Michelle...
Here's the thing: removing someone from our lives is supposed to be difficult. Even if, in your case, he wasn't an addict, breakups suck. There's no magic bullet when it comes to dealing with a situation like this. There's no panacea when it comes to alleviating the pain.
What you can do, however, is live your life the way you want to live it. And that starts with deciding enough is enough, putting him behind you, putting you first, and deciding that you will get through this.
That doesn't mean it's going to be easy. It's not. It's going to suck. But in time, you're going to be fine. Trust me on this...
Here's the thing: removing someone from our lives is supposed to be difficult. Even if, in your case, he wasn't an addict, breakups suck. There's no magic bullet when it comes to dealing with a situation like this. There's no panacea when it comes to alleviating the pain.
What you can do, however, is live your life the way you want to live it. And that starts with deciding enough is enough, putting him behind you, putting you first, and deciding that you will get through this.
That doesn't mean it's going to be easy. It's not. It's going to suck. But in time, you're going to be fine. Trust me on this...
Trting my best to let go but I am honestly heart broken. I think about it all the time,even dreamed about him last night. I know he doesn’t care about me but the way he taunts me by calling randomly makes it worse. I don’t know. It just really sucks so bad. Thanks everyone for the support.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Many, many people have been where you are and they have survived. You will, too. You have a baby on the way and that should be your main concern; not some addict who enjoys torturing you and playing with your heart.
Change your phone number if you truly want him to stop calling.
Change your phone number if you truly want him to stop calling.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Michelle4110
Trting my best to let go but I am honestly heart broken. I think about it all the time,even dreamed about him last night. I know he doesn’t care about me but the way he taunts me by calling randomly makes it worse. I don’t know. It just really sucks so bad. Thanks everyone for the support.
How did I get through it? Well, I found this place. I went to therapy. I made sure I stayed connected with everyone that meant something to me. I rededicated myself to my professional and academic career. And before I knew it, I was out in the Utah desert three months later for work, looked around at the scenery, and was completely comfortable being in the middle of nowhere far from home with people I didn't know.
A year later, I finished graduate school.
Two and a half years after that, I started dating the woman who would become my wife in September 2017. We got married on the beach in St. Lucia.
Life can be extremely difficult and unfair.
It can also be a lot of fun and very rewarding, even if you don't believe that at this particular moment. Just do what you need to do to get through your day.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 14
.
Originally Posted by zoso77
Yeah, it does suck so bad. I'm in agreement. And when I went through what you're going through, it wasn't easy by any stretch of the imagination. It'll be 7 years ago this upcoming January.
How did I get through it? Well, I found this place. I went to therapy. I made sure I stayed connected with everyone that meant something to me. I rededicated myself to my professional and academic career. And before I knew it, I was out in the Utah desert three months later for work, looked around at the scenery, and was completely comfortable being in the middle of nowhere far from home with people I didn't know.
A year later, I finished graduate school.
Two and a half years after that, I started dating the woman who would become my wife in September 2017. We got married on the beach in St. Lucia.
Life can be extremely difficult and unfair.
It can also be a lot of fun and very rewarding, even if you don't believe that at this particular moment. Just do what you need to do to get through your day.
How did I get through it? Well, I found this place. I went to therapy. I made sure I stayed connected with everyone that meant something to me. I rededicated myself to my professional and academic career. And before I knew it, I was out in the Utah desert three months later for work, looked around at the scenery, and was completely comfortable being in the middle of nowhere far from home with people I didn't know.
A year later, I finished graduate school.
Two and a half years after that, I started dating the woman who would become my wife in September 2017. We got married on the beach in St. Lucia.
Life can be extremely difficult and unfair.
It can also be a lot of fun and very rewarding, even if you don't believe that at this particular moment. Just do what you need to do to get through your day.
I think what gets me down the most is because I have so much time to think about it. I was doing good before I answered his call. I kept ignoring him but he called me multiple times at work until I finally just answered. I wish I hadn’t now because the conversation we had really bothered me. He has zero remorse for anything g he has done to me. Doesn’t ask about the baby or how I’m doing. Just simply asks can I come home? And of course I said no. There are times I wish I could forgive him just to have him with me but I know how toxic that is and it can’t happen. Just breaks my heart. Not sure how long it’s gonna take to get over it. I have codependency issues and I think it plays a lot into me staying with someone bad for me. He absolutely drove me to the point where I forced myself to let go of him because it got that bad. So I know I have to stay away. Thank you.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I think what gets me down the most is because I have so much time to think about it. I was doing good before I answered his call. I kept ignoring him but he called me multiple times at work until I finally just answered. I wish I hadn’t now because the conversation we had really bothered me. He has zero remorse for anything g he has done to me. Doesn’t ask about the baby or how I’m doing.
Be safe.
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