kthopkt

My post on this forum in September 2012:

Running. My addiction is running, literally running on my two feet. I do this repeatedly until my tears have blended with my sweat & I am too exhausted to feel the pain anymore. This is my release. By brother is a runner also & he has been running for a really long time, longer than I have. However, he doesn't run in the convential form, instead, he runs from life with the aide of a syringe and a white crystal powder. We are both on a path but we are heading in vert different directions.

My brother tuned 36 today. Yesterday was the first time I had spoken with him in 7 months. I wasn't ignoring him...he was avoiding me. I didn't have a clue where he was or how to contact him until yesterday. I finally convinced one of his contacts to give me his phone number so I could call & wish him a happy birthday. I knew why he was avoiding me...I didnt' need to ask him that. I merely wanted to talk to him so I could tell I still loved him. BUT, a strange sequence of events happened...he came right out and told me about his addiction. He said, "I have been avoiding you because I am right back at it...I knew you wouldn't like it," & "this life style is working for me now...I have it under control." "I get to see my children & I have different places I can stay for a couple days at at time...plus, I am no longer hallucinating so people are not afraid to have me in there home." "Don't try to change me...don't get your hopes up or have any expectations...this is who I am & who I have been for so longggg." He also said, "I will probably be ending up in jail soon again." I asked him why and he said it was because of the way he is living his life; that he sees things and interacts with bad people. Obviously he is in denial. He was justifying his drug use but here is the thing, why would he be so honest with me? Is this a cry for help? Also, when I told him that I continue to pray for him & that I will never give up hope, he became silent. Why the silence, could it be possible that he was really thinking about what I had said?

Any feedback? Thanks.

Now: I read this and cry because I was as lost as my brother back then. Over the past 6 years there have been moments of hope; times I thought things would change. But now, 6 years later, nothing has changed with my brother. Only I have changed.

Watching an addict destroy themselves is one of the hardest things anyone can go through and I wish I had the perfect advice to give out. Every situation is slightly different, but the one theme I have realized throughout everyone I have met, read about, or consulted with is that trying to save an addict will only lead to your own life being destroyed.

When I finally sought out therapy, I cried uncontrollably for 3 sessions in a row. I was incredibly defeated and lost. I spent every waking minute trying to save my brother. I had completely lost sight of my own life and what I wanted.

There are many addicts who enter recovery and are successful. I can't argue against that. However, if they are going to recover, it will be on their own terms and in their own way. PLEASE don't spend decades of your life, like it did, trying to get them to change.

I am in a much better place now and wish I would have focused on myself many years ago. So much time has been lost.

Sorry for the long message - just feeling emotional today & appreciate for the progress I have made.

Ann

Your post today touches my heart. I am sorry your brother is still lost in his addiction but glad that you have found your own recovery and overcome the obsession to change what is not yours to change.

I too have found a better life and no longer feel the anguish of trying to control my son's addiction.

I will pray for your brother, as I pray for my son, and then leave them both in God's trusted care.

Hugs from my heart to yours.

gemini7

This touched me as well. You commented on my post about my ex and this really hits home with me. I have spent SO much time worrying about him and being in a relationship with him was so draining in every way. Everything was always about him. Was he okay? Did I say the wrong thing? Could I have triggered him in some way? Etc, etc. I couldn't have any issues/problems b/c they couldn't possibly match or compare what HE had been through. It's all very one sided dealing with addicts. It's 'give, give, give' til you have nothing left while all they do is take. I can totally relate, except of course mine was a romantic relationship. Thank god we have no children and I can just walk away. The only complicated part is I am very close to his family. And with you, he is your family. I admire your strength and how you made the decision to look after yourself, as hard it it was, and that you are in a better place. Thanks for sharing this. I believe it will help a lot of people. <3