Does an addict deserve time with his kids?

Old 10-29-2018, 01:34 AM
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Does an addict deserve time with his kids?

Our current visitation agreement has my ex with our 3 boys (3 years old & 18 month twins) every other weekend Friday PM-Monday AM & every Wed evening. His mom is supervisor until he can pass 4 consecutive hair follicle tests. I took his last hair follicle test result to the testing site because it looked suspicious to me...they marked all over the page what was inaccurate about the result & basically said it was forged. I can tell by his behavior that he has been using. This past weekend my oldest said they stayed at their grandmas house Sunday night bc Dad was sick. When they came home Thurs AM from visit, he said they never saw Dad & they stayed at grandmas. Grandma never said anything to me about this. I texted her & said I was concerned they didn’t see him & she didn’t let me know what was going on. She said Sunday was the first time she thought he was acting strange & she called him out, he got upset & overreacted, she felt uncomfortable & left with the boys. She watched my twins for a couple hours yesterday so I could take my oldest son to a movie...as I left she asked if I had heard from her son. He hasn’t contacted his kids all week. She went to his house later in the day, texted me last night that he was “fine & would text me.” Like nothing happened!!! I asked her if she asked him if he gave an explanation as to why he hadn’t contacted his kids all week. She got defensive & said she didn’t know what was going on between us but it was none of her business. I said, what is going on is that he went off on YOU in front of my kids because he was high on crack & decided again on Wed that getting high was more important than seeing his kids. No response then.

My plan is to reach out to a different attorney this week & work on changing our visitation arrangement. Until it is legally changed, I don’t know if I could get in trouble for not following what’s in place...but I really do not want them seeing him right now. I don’t want grandma supervising anymore as I feel she is in denial & enabling (had these feelings before but thought I would try out the supervision with her). She takes good care of the kids & I feel like they are physically safe with her, my concern is the boys psychological/ emotional toll being around the situation could have on them.

My thought is to propose third party supervised visits every other Sat until he can provide 4 consecutive hair follicle tests (where I can get results directly from testing center), then he can have every other weekend Sat AM-Sun PM. Does this seem too harsh?
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Old 10-29-2018, 03:15 AM
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I would definitely see another attorney about getting visitation changed and protecting your children.

I speak as a grandmother who had to give up visitation of my grandson because my son could not be consistent and failed to show up when he was supposed to and caused emotional pain to the child. My son lived with me so that when he had to give up visitation, that included me.

That hurt...but in my heart I knew it was what was right for the child, and that was the most important thing of all. I cheer my son's ex for making such a harsh decision. In her case, the courts were not involved, they didn't have to be. She set the rule and we obeyed.

Please do what is right for your children, keep them safe. Everyone else is an adult and can deal with the repercussions.

Hugs, from my heart to yours.
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Old 10-29-2018, 05:48 AM
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You need to move quickly. Get an attorney who is DILIGENT (I hear they do exist, can't confirm). You need to file something ASAP to show that you are not withholding visitation for any reason other than that you are trying to protect your children. I hope your communications are via text? Always use written communication. If at all possible, choose email- courts prefer it. But I would not speak to his mother by phone if I were you. She may deny the conversation.

Sadly, many lawyers will tell you to abide by the court order until it is changed. And judges can be very lenient with addicts. I'm sure my judge would say, "Well, what was the problem? The mother did the right thing. She removed the children from the situation." Then my ex's attorney would go on his "She's a parental alienator out to get my client" shtick.

It's a mess. Family court is a MESS! But do what you feel is right, no matter what. Personally, I am so glad to have professional supervised visitation. Our monitor is an absolute idiot who sings ex's praises (ex missed FIVE straight months of visitation and this was barely mentioned in monitor's report), but I still can't imagine having one of his flying monkeys do the job.

Good luck, hang in there, stay strong!
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Old 10-29-2018, 06:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
I would definitely see another attorney about getting visitation changed and protecting your children.

I speak as a grandmother who had to give up visitation of my grandson because my son could not be consistent and failed to show up when he was supposed to and caused emotional pain to the child. My son lived with me so that when he had to give up visitation, that included me.

That hurt...but in my heart I knew it was what was right for the child, and that was the most important thing of all. I cheer my son's ex for making such a harsh decision. In her case, the courts were not involved, they didn't have to be. She set the rule and we obeyed.

Please do what is right for your children, keep them safe. Everyone else is an adult and can deal with the repercussions.

Hugs, from my heart to yours.

Ann,

Thank you so much for your reply. You were one of the amazing people on this forum that gave me the knowledge I needed to leave my ex. Good for you for supporting that decision, even though it meant losing out on your relationship with your grandchild.

I feel like my attitude has shifted from wanting to keep everyone happy/ giving the addict the benefit of the doubt....to, I don’t really care about anything but the safety/ health of my kids. I feel strong & determined to fight for them no matter what.
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Old 10-29-2018, 06:43 AM
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You might also want to look into legal aid via your superior court and find out about emergency hearings. Depending on your state drug use in the child’s presents may be a cause to modify the visitation agreement.

If I was faced with this situation I would cut off visitation now and until it can be worked out in court. You have proof of documents that he forged in an attempt to cover up his drug use.

I have no doubt that his mother is in denial and enabling and I’m sure doesn’t see the cost of her behavior on your children. Like you are fighting to protect your children in a healthy way she is also fighting to protect her child but not in a healthy way. If she wants to visit her grand kids make sure she does it at your home with your rules that her son is not welcomed until things can be ironed out in court.
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Old 10-29-2018, 06:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs View Post
You need to move quickly. Get an attorney who is DILIGENT (I hear they do exist, can't confirm). You need to file something ASAP to show that you are not withholding visitation for any reason other than that you are trying to protect your children. I hope your communications are via text? Always use written communication. If at all possible, choose email- courts prefer it. But I would not speak to his mother by phone if I were you. She may deny the conversation.

Sadly, many lawyers will tell you to abide by the court order until it is changed. And judges can be very lenient with addicts. I'm sure my judge would say, "Well, what was the problem? The mother did the right thing. She removed the children from the situation." Then my ex's attorney would go on his "She's a parental alienator out to get my client" shtick.

It's a mess. Family court is a MESS! But do what you feel is right, no matter what. Personally, I am so glad to have professional supervised visitation. Our monitor is an absolute idiot who sings ex's praises (ex missed FIVE straight months of visitation and this was barely mentioned in monitor's report), but I still can't imagine having one of his flying monkeys do the job.

Good luck, hang in there, stay strong!

OMG...5 straight months?! Wow. I feel discouraged about the legal system at times. First time around, I was SO scared about going in front of the judge & was told by my attorney that my ex agreeing to the drug testing part was more strict than most judges would insist on...so we came to an agreement without going in front of the judge. I feel like having evidence that he is forging his drug test results will speak a lot to his character (he is also an attorney). Not to mention all of the other evidence I have about his drug use history. I am SO done playing his game. I am willing to do whatever I need for my kids.

His next visit is supposed to be Wed. My thought is that if I let them go, he will turn that back on me...how concerned was I if I let them go to the visit. Also don’t want to be in “trouble” for not abiding by the decree...but he sure as heck isn’t so what does it matter?!

Where are you in your situation? Thank you so much for responding
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Old 10-29-2018, 09:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs View Post
You need to move quickly. Get an attorney who is DILIGENT (I hear they do exist, can't confirm). You need to file something ASAP to show that you are not withholding visitation for any reason other than that you are trying to protect your children. I hope your communications are via text? Always use written communication. If at all possible, choose email- courts prefer it. But I would not speak to his mother by phone if I were you. She may deny the conversation.

Sadly, many lawyers will tell you to abide by the court order until it is changed. And judges can be very lenient with addicts. I'm sure my judge would say, "Well, what was the problem? The mother did the right thing. She removed the children from the situation." Then my ex's attorney would go on his "She's a parental alienator out to get my client" shtick.

It's a mess. Family court is a MESS! But do what you feel is right, no matter what. Personally, I am so glad to have professional supervised visitation. Our monitor is an absolute idiot who sings ex's praises (ex missed FIVE straight months of visitation and this was barely mentioned in monitor's report), but I still can't imagine having one of his flying monkeys do the job.

Good luck, hang in there, stay strong!

Where does their visitation take place?
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Old 10-29-2018, 04:32 PM
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No...he doesn't deserve to see the kids. His actions show that he doesn't really want to see them anyway. If he did he wouldn't have acted the way he did over the weekend. If he was doing something about his addiction it might be different, but he isn't.

I am not an attorney. It seems like an issue that you really need to discuss with your legal counsel. I do know that in NY State it is considered a form of neglect to put your children in the care of someone who you know is using. Would that apply to a court ordered visitation? Do you have the same laws in your state? I have no idea, but an attorney would.
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Old 10-29-2018, 04:40 PM
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Their visitation is at a "professional" facility- but there are no real regulations for supervisors in CA. People simply take a class and get a certificate. Our monitor actually let him drive the kids around- I was so pissed. It's a little known fact that it is actually illegal to drive while addicted in CA- and one need not actually be under the influence! All it takes is to be able to show that a person is a confirmed addict and is not-here's the kicker- enrolled in a drug treatment program (and my ex is not). But my lawyer didn't know about this, and I don't even think most judges do.

Where am I now? Back from another court date. Just had one today! Ex keeps trying to retaliate. I mean, it's better than getting sober, right?

It's a really difficult road, and what makes it all the more difficult is most people don't understand. I hate having to explain why I'm always going to court. I feel like a criminal!

Good luck to you. Remember to always trust your gut. You are probably right that he will say you must not have been that concerned if you allowed the visit, but if you don't allow it, he'll get you for that as well. Sometimes you have to choose the option that sucks less.
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Old 10-30-2018, 07:08 AM
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It's the most frustrating thing about family court in my opinion. Why have laws if there is no one to enforce them and protect the children. Grr.....

Sending my support and many hugs!
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Old 10-30-2018, 02:35 PM
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I think the only question worth answering is this:

What is best for my children?

Once that's answered, then do what you have to do within the context of the law.
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