ebecker1982

True.

But, and this is where I am coming from in responding to these folks, I often find, from experience on another forum, that when the kaleidoscope includes "advice," no matter how well-intended, that comes across as a put-down, it tends to drive people away.

They might or might not realize they're coming across to others as "holier than thou art," and while I can handle it because I've been through support groups before including one that's, frankly, harsher than this one, there's a lot of people who can't. And while recognizing I'm not any sort of authority here (I don't have greeter/mod/admin status,) I have held those roles on other sites and currently serve in that role elsewhere, and what I see is the kind of behavior that tends to drive newbies off. I'm doubting I'll change the culture here. But I'd suggest, if someone wants to give me feedback, there's a more effective way to do so not just for myself but in terms of maybe what those folks are going through AND in terms of what others visiting the forum may be seeing and basing their decisions to join on. So....while seeking support...I'm also sharing experience. Not just for my own sake. But for the sake of others who may be lurking, may be considering posting, and might be reluctant to do so because of the approaches some here are giving to advice-giving.

Just as I can take or leave what is said...so can the people I'm responding to.

Hope that makes sense.

Now, back to your first comment...you're right, I'm ultimately going to do what I want to do, which was my point behind the first response I made. My objective is to do it the right way and to consider the experiences of others in that process. Which is why I haven't done it yet. And my other motivation which supercedes rushing across town at the moment is taking care of myself and fulfilling other obligations that need my focus immediately.

So chances are the conversation will happen some time next week or the week following. No rush. But I also don't want to put it off much longer, either.

As I've responded...some of the advice I've gotten here is useful and is part of why I didn't have that conversation last week. I'm also getting some feedback from the folks in my NarAnon groups which has also been pretty useful. And others essentially come across as if they're accusing me of having some ill-intended evil motive to "control" or "get back" at my addict based on how I read them, or completely devalue whatever positive worth my addict might have in my life (it's easy to forget that our addicts are often two sides of a coin, especially when it's a significant other and we made the choice to be in their lives to begin with...we didn't make that decision on the basis of them being an addict. At least I would hope that isn't the motivation....) And my suggestion is....if they're coming across like that to me, they're probably also coming across like that to other people.

Bear in mind too that I'm here to give support and receive support. Not make friends. If I make friends, that's great. But I've got plenty of friends. I don't have a need to make more. I will welcome people into my life who I feel have value to me (not just me having value to them...I am done making that mistake.) But I didn't come here seeking anything beyond that.

Thanks for the thought.

-Eric

trailmix

I don't disagree with you on this. This forum can be harsh on occasion and in fact I think I come across as harsh sometimes too. I have to say that is never my intent. Text conversations have their limitations as I'm sure you are well aware.

I think also that many on this forum have a history that is not evident when they give "advice". While the reply might be 2-3 lines long, their story has been told a few times and I think there can be an assumption that hey - I've given my story as an example 50 times (you get my drift).

This may not be evident to a new person on the forum or someone just lurking (and afraid to post). I have to say I read this forum for months before making my first post and I'm not shy about posting in general. That's a caution I take though and I think many do.

I do understand what you are saying.

On the flipside, never hurts to look at what others are saying and ask, why are they saying that to me (regardless of how the message "feels") what is in your story and your posts that triggers that response? Is it some denial? Is it that you come across as defensive of all things that relate to your situation? Is it that you haven't shared enough of your story for anyone to make a good suggestion or relate to your story? I've read your threads and I might have missed something but are you actually in "no contact" for a period of time to clear your head or wanting to make a break or holding a boundary?

Now, of course, you can say, well I don't trust you people enough to share that yet or hey, it's none of your business (and that's fine, of course you should only share what and if you want, when you feel like it).

I'm just saying it's not a vacuum.

You are angry true? You posted a thread about being angry and I take it that is still where you are at?

atalose

What comes to mind here is “terminal uniqueness”.

dandylion

ebecker…….I get your point. No need to use a hammer when a feather will do.

Seren

Hello Mr. Becker,

May I call you Mr. Becker? Anyway...Mr. Becker, everyone who posts in F&F is speaking from their own experience. However, you do know your situation best. That said, the members here also know their own situations best. We try to always speak from our own experiences. What happened to us, what worked best for us, how we managed to get to a better place.

When you read the replies you have received, you are perfectly welcome to pass over information or suggestions that you don't think apply to you and your situation and only take on board those that you believe will be helpful to you. But just as it's not possible to control the woman you love, it is not possible to control our fellow F&F members.

If you find any member to be particularly difficult, you may use our "Ignore" function and you won't see any of their posts again. If anyone feels that a member's post violates the SoberRecovery Forum Rules, simply click on the red triangle with the exclamation point next to the post under the member's avatar, and the forum moderators will review it.

Mr. Becker, I do wish you every peace and happiness. In whatever form that will take for you and the woman you love. Because I do not want this thread to devolve into further arguments, it is now closed.