Not sure what this means.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 6
Not sure what this means.
Hey, I’m in love with an addict, for 5 yrs now. We got in a huge argument a year ago, and I hadn’t heard from him since. I know in dec 2018 he was arrested for meth, and is on probation for the next several years.
2 days ago, he showed up at my work. He told me the following.
“ I just came from an AA meeting. I’m an addict, and I can’t guarantee you my soberity. I want to make amends”
We talked about life, and how I was very mad at him but wasn’t any more.
He said
“ I got a compliment on a shirt you gave me a bit back. And I looked at it, thought about you and realized I really do care. I want to thank you for always treating me like family. I’d like to be active in your son’s life, and do an activity with him sometime. I want to comtribute something.”
He didn’t want to exchange numbers, told me he’d send a message on social media. That he had drove to my house a few times and I wasn’t home. And he had came by my work, and just sat in the lobby watching tv many times. He told me he was having trouble finding the right words. We hugged and I said, I have to get back to work.
I know he’s working a step, but I’m having trouble understanding if he’s trying to get back in my life, or just trying to relieve his guilt.
2 days ago, he showed up at my work. He told me the following.
“ I just came from an AA meeting. I’m an addict, and I can’t guarantee you my soberity. I want to make amends”
We talked about life, and how I was very mad at him but wasn’t any more.
He said
“ I got a compliment on a shirt you gave me a bit back. And I looked at it, thought about you and realized I really do care. I want to thank you for always treating me like family. I’d like to be active in your son’s life, and do an activity with him sometime. I want to comtribute something.”
He didn’t want to exchange numbers, told me he’d send a message on social media. That he had drove to my house a few times and I wasn’t home. And he had came by my work, and just sat in the lobby watching tv many times. He told me he was having trouble finding the right words. We hugged and I said, I have to get back to work.
I know he’s working a step, but I’m having trouble understanding if he’s trying to get back in my life, or just trying to relieve his guilt.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Well unless you are a mind reader, that's hard to say really!
I think I wouldn't bother spending one minute on trying to figure out what his motivations are. He may be purely trying to make amends or not.
Whether you want him in your Son's life or not is 100 percent up to you. Seems that perhaps that's maybe not such a good idea though? I don't know how old your Son is but two things, first of all you were in a relationship with this Man for quite some time and it didn't end well, so that is a threat to your emotional happiness perhaps? Secondly, 10 months of sobriety is a drop in the ocean.
He was arrested for Meth, not even a year ago.
It's nice he wanted to make amends and perhaps in a year or two if he still wanted to be helpful in some way AND you were 100 percent comfortable with it, well you could look at it then?
I think I wouldn't bother spending one minute on trying to figure out what his motivations are. He may be purely trying to make amends or not.
Whether you want him in your Son's life or not is 100 percent up to you. Seems that perhaps that's maybe not such a good idea though? I don't know how old your Son is but two things, first of all you were in a relationship with this Man for quite some time and it didn't end well, so that is a threat to your emotional happiness perhaps? Secondly, 10 months of sobriety is a drop in the ocean.
He was arrested for Meth, not even a year ago.
It's nice he wanted to make amends and perhaps in a year or two if he still wanted to be helpful in some way AND you were 100 percent comfortable with it, well you could look at it then?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Lovecharlie.
Welcome.
Probably too soon to tell what is going on. Could be he is just trying to make amends, could be something else.
When you spoke, did you talk at all about where he was in AA? Does he have a sponsor? Is he working the steps?
That, to me, would reveal something about his intent going forward.
As trailmix said, I wouldn’t spend a lot of time thinking about it. Take care of yourself and your son, and just keep moving forward.
Peace.
Welcome.
Probably too soon to tell what is going on. Could be he is just trying to make amends, could be something else.
When you spoke, did you talk at all about where he was in AA? Does he have a sponsor? Is he working the steps?
That, to me, would reveal something about his intent going forward.
As trailmix said, I wouldn’t spend a lot of time thinking about it. Take care of yourself and your son, and just keep moving forward.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
that sounds like someone trying hard to make amends....he didn't ask to get back together, he didn't pressure you, he didn't even want to exchange phone numbers.
as for his offer to spend more time with your son.....that is completely and totally up to you. now might not be the time. the time might be NEVER.
try to take it for exactly what it was...no ulterior motives. just an attempt to own up to one's own shortcomings
as for his offer to spend more time with your son.....that is completely and totally up to you. now might not be the time. the time might be NEVER.
try to take it for exactly what it was...no ulterior motives. just an attempt to own up to one's own shortcomings
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
The 8th and 9th steps are:
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Merriam Webster defines Amends as: compensation for a loss or injury : recompense
Assuming he knows that you loved him at the time you last saw him, how does saying he would like to spend time with your son make amends for dropping off the planet for a year? If he was my sponsee, I would suggest that he write a letter to you acknowledging his actions and the harm that it caused. In my opinion, stepping into your life from out of the blue is not consistent with "except when to do so would harm them or others." His noting how well you treated him is a compliment, it is not an amends. Addicts and alcoholics can be incredibly talented manipulators, the fact that you still have feelings for this man does not make it a good idea to allow him back into your life, regardless of his sobriety.
Apologies if this seems overly negative, but one year after an arrest is early sobriety, and what transpired does not seem consistent with someone who has thoroughly worked steps 1-9.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Merriam Webster defines Amends as: compensation for a loss or injury : recompense
Assuming he knows that you loved him at the time you last saw him, how does saying he would like to spend time with your son make amends for dropping off the planet for a year? If he was my sponsee, I would suggest that he write a letter to you acknowledging his actions and the harm that it caused. In my opinion, stepping into your life from out of the blue is not consistent with "except when to do so would harm them or others." His noting how well you treated him is a compliment, it is not an amends. Addicts and alcoholics can be incredibly talented manipulators, the fact that you still have feelings for this man does not make it a good idea to allow him back into your life, regardless of his sobriety.
Apologies if this seems overly negative, but one year after an arrest is early sobriety, and what transpired does not seem consistent with someone who has thoroughly worked steps 1-9.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 6
I appreciate everyone’s input.
30 minutes after I wrote my first post, he came to my house. (So 2nd meeting in 3 days).
He asked to take my son out for pizza with his son.
I let him go, but he and my son didn’t really have a big bond. I just find it all odd.
I do care a lot about him. I told him in a letter a bit back that I loved him unconditionally, but romantic relationships are conditional. I also told him, I understood he was not able to give me what I need. �� maybe this is a way of being in my life without a connection to me. Oh well, that’s me, over analyzing everything.
30 minutes after I wrote my first post, he came to my house. (So 2nd meeting in 3 days).
He asked to take my son out for pizza with his son.
I let him go, but he and my son didn’t really have a big bond. I just find it all odd.
I do care a lot about him. I told him in a letter a bit back that I loved him unconditionally, but romantic relationships are conditional. I also told him, I understood he was not able to give me what I need. �� maybe this is a way of being in my life without a connection to me. Oh well, that’s me, over analyzing everything.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Not sure I understand this, was this his second meeting in 3 days...and he is already on Step 8 and 9?
Please please give this time and space, perhaps for your son too. The cycle of addiction is often includes recovery followed by relapse and as charming as he may be right now, he has very little time under his belt to call it "recovery".
I can feel you being drawn in, and now your son is too. Please slow down and give this time to see where it leads in 6 months or a year. That may seem a long time but it may save you a lifetime of regret.
Please please give this time and space, perhaps for your son too. The cycle of addiction is often includes recovery followed by relapse and as charming as he may be right now, he has very little time under his belt to call it "recovery".
I can feel you being drawn in, and now your son is too. Please slow down and give this time to see where it leads in 6 months or a year. That may seem a long time but it may save you a lifetime of regret.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
He just showed up, no call or forewarning? That is odd right there (and rude), unless you are comfortable with this and he knows that?
What do YOU want? Do you want him back in your life?
I’m having trouble understanding if he’s trying to get back in my life, or just trying to relieve his guilt
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 41
It sounds like me that he is trying to make amends. Which is good.
It also sounds to me like he is trying to see if he can get back into your life. Which....is really up to you.
Don't stop drawing boundaries just because he's sober.
-Eric
It also sounds to me like he is trying to see if he can get back into your life. Which....is really up to you.
Don't stop drawing boundaries just because he's sober.
-Eric
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