I didn't sign up for this!
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Join Date: Oct 2018
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I didn't sign up for this!
My partner tried to kill herself, which consequently led to truths I can hardly bare being revealed. I found out that she's a heroin addict. She told me that she's been using for two years. She was also in a methodone clinic and addicted to that as well. She's now almost done with rehab.
This place she's at has everything. It's a truly top notch pricey place. I'm angry that I'm alone doing all the hard work while she plays with horses and goes to amusement parks and stuff like that. Sounds like camp, and the place is beautiful. I'm in the midst of packing for us to move, and crying everyday over all that has transpired. I want to hire help. She said we can't afford it. Ok, so we can afford 20k for rehab, but I can't help someone to help me pack and clean because I'm having a hard time with understandable depression. Wow!
She has told me that she doesn't know if we are going to be together because I don't know who she is. She tells me that I just depress her and bring her down. She says that the people she lives with makes her happy. She has been mean! At times she calls me names. I just cry and leave her alone until she gets in touch again. When she reaches back out... Ohhh! She loves me and misses me so much. Push and pull.
I have been so supportive through all the pain and shock, and I promise I'm just giving the tip of the iceberg. Everything is about her, and I have jumped anytime she asks me to jump. I've been to meetings. Everyone seems so fake and "programmed" if that makes sense. They use slogans and just talk about how their grateful...bla bla bla. They seem very detached from their loved one who suffers from addiction. I don't want that! I mean absolutely no offense if this works for you, but I feel like I need to be honest to get help.
She says that she wants to try living with me again, but says that she's so different that she doesn't know if we are going to be together. We've been together for six years. I'm so angry! How can she threaten our committed relationship like this! I feel so insecure
I didn't sign up for addiction and rehab and NA meetings and all this stuff! I do it because I love her and support her. She's not equally invested it seems. I don't know. Maybe this is more normal than I think. Maybe this is the beginning of the end. Maybe all that she said while using was fake. Maybe I've just invested so many years of my life into someone for nothing. I'm very angry!
This place she's at has everything. It's a truly top notch pricey place. I'm angry that I'm alone doing all the hard work while she plays with horses and goes to amusement parks and stuff like that. Sounds like camp, and the place is beautiful. I'm in the midst of packing for us to move, and crying everyday over all that has transpired. I want to hire help. She said we can't afford it. Ok, so we can afford 20k for rehab, but I can't help someone to help me pack and clean because I'm having a hard time with understandable depression. Wow!
She has told me that she doesn't know if we are going to be together because I don't know who she is. She tells me that I just depress her and bring her down. She says that the people she lives with makes her happy. She has been mean! At times she calls me names. I just cry and leave her alone until she gets in touch again. When she reaches back out... Ohhh! She loves me and misses me so much. Push and pull.
I have been so supportive through all the pain and shock, and I promise I'm just giving the tip of the iceberg. Everything is about her, and I have jumped anytime she asks me to jump. I've been to meetings. Everyone seems so fake and "programmed" if that makes sense. They use slogans and just talk about how their grateful...bla bla bla. They seem very detached from their loved one who suffers from addiction. I don't want that! I mean absolutely no offense if this works for you, but I feel like I need to be honest to get help.
She says that she wants to try living with me again, but says that she's so different that she doesn't know if we are going to be together. We've been together for six years. I'm so angry! How can she threaten our committed relationship like this! I feel so insecure
I didn't sign up for addiction and rehab and NA meetings and all this stuff! I do it because I love her and support her. She's not equally invested it seems. I don't know. Maybe this is more normal than I think. Maybe this is the beginning of the end. Maybe all that she said while using was fake. Maybe I've just invested so many years of my life into someone for nothing. I'm very angry!
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
They seem very detached from their loved one who suffers from addiction.
Maybe this isn't what you want. But this is how people survive the reality of living with an addict or alcoholic. You can either detach and let go, or you can be dragged along behind the insanity and chaos of life with an addict. Are you happy the way things are? Because the hard truth is you are in for more of the same until you learn what those "programmed" people in NA already know. I don't mean to sound harsh, cuz I know going thru what you are right now is utter hell. Hugs to you.
Maybe this isn't what you want. But this is how people survive the reality of living with an addict or alcoholic. You can either detach and let go, or you can be dragged along behind the insanity and chaos of life with an addict. Are you happy the way things are? Because the hard truth is you are in for more of the same until you learn what those "programmed" people in NA already know. I don't mean to sound harsh, cuz I know going thru what you are right now is utter hell. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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Very sorry you had to find this all out notmycup, and welcome to SR.
Unfortunately many of the things you suggest in your last sentence are true - addicts will say anything and lie - including to those whom they love - to deflect attention from their problem. And while it's not "normal" it is common for addicts to behave this way. It IS normal to feel hurt and disrespected, because you were.
As BlownOne suggest though, it's a reality you may need to accept. There's certainly a chance that she can turn things around, but you need to be wary and protect yourself as well. Because there's also the possibility that she'll go right back to using once she gets out of rehab - and take you right back down the rabbit hole again.
Unfortunately many of the things you suggest in your last sentence are true - addicts will say anything and lie - including to those whom they love - to deflect attention from their problem. And while it's not "normal" it is common for addicts to behave this way. It IS normal to feel hurt and disrespected, because you were.
As BlownOne suggest though, it's a reality you may need to accept. There's certainly a chance that she can turn things around, but you need to be wary and protect yourself as well. Because there's also the possibility that she'll go right back to using once she gets out of rehab - and take you right back down the rabbit hole again.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by Notmycupoftea 
She says that she wants to try living with me again, but says that she's so different that she doesn't know if we are going to be together. We've been together for six years. I'm so angry! How can she threaten our committed relationship like this! I feel so insecure
To an addict their focus is their drug, that is the number one priority. Not you, not their family or their children or anything else.
There are some great articles in the Friends and Family "stickies" section which you might find useful. Knowledge is power, these ones might be a good place to start:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
One other thing, you might want to start out on the right foot by hiring someone to help you move.
You aren't a victim, you are an adult person with your own life and if what you need is help packing and moving and you have the financial means to do that, go for it.
You don't need to ask permission?
You aren't a victim, you are an adult person with your own life and if what you need is help packing and moving and you have the financial means to do that, go for it.
You don't need to ask permission?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 8
So, there’s no middle ground? I’m a helper by nature. To completely detatch would not be the right partnership for me. I want to do things with my partner.
I dream about life after rehab and I think sometimes we’ll go to NA together. Other times we’ll go to the same building but I will go to Naranon. Sometimes I’m just going to stay home to clean or work on a craft. We have been talking about new activities that we want to try together. I have a fear that she will be too consumed with meetings, coffee after, and hanging out with recovery people that we are going to live separate lives. More than we did when she was using. Am I the only one who is terrified of all this program stuff and afraid that I’m going to lose her?
I dream about life after rehab and I think sometimes we’ll go to NA together. Other times we’ll go to the same building but I will go to Naranon. Sometimes I’m just going to stay home to clean or work on a craft. We have been talking about new activities that we want to try together. I have a fear that she will be too consumed with meetings, coffee after, and hanging out with recovery people that we are going to live separate lives. More than we did when she was using. Am I the only one who is terrified of all this program stuff and afraid that I’m going to lose her?
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by trailmix
One other thing, you might want to start out on the right foot by hiring someone to help you move.
You aren't a victim, you are an adult person with your own life and if what you need is help packing and moving and you have the financial means to do that, go for it.
You don't need to ask permission?
You aren't a victim, you are an adult person with your own life and if what you need is help packing and moving and you have the financial means to do that, go for it.
You don't need to ask permission?
I would prefer that we agree on all financial maters. I agreed to her expensive treatment. She just doesn’t seem to see that my needs are important too right now. You’re right! I’m not a victim. I can pay someone to help me pack and just not talk about it. I just really prefer not to omit. That doesn’t feel good, but I know I need help.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
So, there’s no middle ground? I’m a helper by nature. To completely detatch would not be the right partnership for me. I want to do things with my partner.
Detaching doesn't mean that you don't help her or don't do things with her. To detach means to allow her the freedom to make her own choices and her own mistakes without it rattling you emotionally to the point where your happiness and your peace are in her hands instead of your own. Does that make sense? it's not about giving up on someone or losing them to any new NA friends or anything else. It's about you allowing her to be who and what she is regardless of the quality of her recovery (or lack thereof) so you focus on your own well being, because what she needs to do for herself, in the final analysis, she can only do herself.
Detaching doesn't mean that you don't help her or don't do things with her. To detach means to allow her the freedom to make her own choices and her own mistakes without it rattling you emotionally to the point where your happiness and your peace are in her hands instead of your own. Does that make sense? it's not about giving up on someone or losing them to any new NA friends or anything else. It's about you allowing her to be who and what she is regardless of the quality of her recovery (or lack thereof) so you focus on your own well being, because what she needs to do for herself, in the final analysis, she can only do herself.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 41
What works for different people is, well, different.
Why NarAnon works for me....it forces me to take full ownership of my own situation. Yes, there's feedback. But it comes in the form of other people sharing their experiences. Not once at NarAnon during a meeting have I been told "oh you should do this" or "oh you should do that." Sure, I get some specific feedback post-meeting....and I understand not all meetings are alike. But when I speak my truth, nobody stops me. People nod in understanding.
The notion of "full separation" is not possible for most people. I get it. The idea of never speaking to my addict again devastates me to the point where I don't consider it an option.
I made my separation and drew my line because I needed to be me again. It is not to say that I can't enjoy time with her. But I'm taking it back to my terms. I will not get slowly suckered into her addiction nor encouraging her addiction through compromise. I will no longer try to justify "oh, I can take her to this friend's house, she left something there." With my addict the past 6 months there is ALWAYS an excuse.
When I stepped back, I realized that this relationship wasn't about me anymore. It wasn't even about the concept of "us" anymore. It became solely about meeting her needs. And not in a way that was remotely healthy.
With NarAnon, you have to go beyond the "slogans" because many people use them. What you need to keep in mind is that these mantras, when used properly, are reminders of how to stay healthy, and not how you stay healthy in and of themselves. NarAnon is ultimately what you make of it. Some groups are better than others at fostering that, but ultimately, if your group operates by means of the greater organization, then the best thing to do is speak your truth, then listen to others as they speak theirs. Sometimes it's a good idea to try other meetings in your area. Sometimes it's a good idea to talk to a couple of members before or after a meeting and express what you're having a hard time with within the context of the meeting itself. You may find that helps. Bear in mind...these people are not judging you (even if it comes off that way.) They are judging what works vs. what doesn't in their experience. Keeping this in mind may help you contextualize the meetings and find more value in them.
I'm very much a helper. And I'm scared as hell right now about what's going on with my addict. I've imposed a no-contact, mostly for my own sanity, but also because I needed to finally put my foot down and stick to my boundary.
Here's how I've thought of it.....it's not just about "detachment from the addict." Sometimes it's about "detachment from our role as the enabler." It's not that we can't help. It's HOW we help that we have to change. And bear in mind...if we are injured, we can't help others recover. The focus has to be on ourselves at some point.
Bless you on your journey.
-Eric
Why NarAnon works for me....it forces me to take full ownership of my own situation. Yes, there's feedback. But it comes in the form of other people sharing their experiences. Not once at NarAnon during a meeting have I been told "oh you should do this" or "oh you should do that." Sure, I get some specific feedback post-meeting....and I understand not all meetings are alike. But when I speak my truth, nobody stops me. People nod in understanding.
The notion of "full separation" is not possible for most people. I get it. The idea of never speaking to my addict again devastates me to the point where I don't consider it an option.
I made my separation and drew my line because I needed to be me again. It is not to say that I can't enjoy time with her. But I'm taking it back to my terms. I will not get slowly suckered into her addiction nor encouraging her addiction through compromise. I will no longer try to justify "oh, I can take her to this friend's house, she left something there." With my addict the past 6 months there is ALWAYS an excuse.
When I stepped back, I realized that this relationship wasn't about me anymore. It wasn't even about the concept of "us" anymore. It became solely about meeting her needs. And not in a way that was remotely healthy.
With NarAnon, you have to go beyond the "slogans" because many people use them. What you need to keep in mind is that these mantras, when used properly, are reminders of how to stay healthy, and not how you stay healthy in and of themselves. NarAnon is ultimately what you make of it. Some groups are better than others at fostering that, but ultimately, if your group operates by means of the greater organization, then the best thing to do is speak your truth, then listen to others as they speak theirs. Sometimes it's a good idea to try other meetings in your area. Sometimes it's a good idea to talk to a couple of members before or after a meeting and express what you're having a hard time with within the context of the meeting itself. You may find that helps. Bear in mind...these people are not judging you (even if it comes off that way.) They are judging what works vs. what doesn't in their experience. Keeping this in mind may help you contextualize the meetings and find more value in them.
I'm very much a helper. And I'm scared as hell right now about what's going on with my addict. I've imposed a no-contact, mostly for my own sanity, but also because I needed to finally put my foot down and stick to my boundary.
Here's how I've thought of it.....it's not just about "detachment from the addict." Sometimes it's about "detachment from our role as the enabler." It's not that we can't help. It's HOW we help that we have to change. And bear in mind...if we are injured, we can't help others recover. The focus has to be on ourselves at some point.
Bless you on your journey.
-Eric
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by Notmycupoftea
So, there’s no middle ground? I’m a helper by nature. To completely detatch would not be the right partnership for me. I want to do things with my partner.
I dream about life after rehab and I think sometimes we’ll go to NA together. Other times we’ll go to the same building but I will go to Naranon. Sometimes I’m just going to stay home to clean or work on a craft. We have been talking about new activities that we want to try together. I have a fear that she will be too consumed with meetings, coffee after, and hanging out with recovery people that we are going to live separate lives. More than we did when she was using. Am I the only one who is terrified of all this program stuff and afraid that I’m going to lose her?
I dream about life after rehab and I think sometimes we’ll go to NA together. Other times we’ll go to the same building but I will go to Naranon. Sometimes I’m just going to stay home to clean or work on a craft. We have been talking about new activities that we want to try together. I have a fear that she will be too consumed with meetings, coffee after, and hanging out with recovery people that we are going to live separate lives. More than we did when she was using. Am I the only one who is terrified of all this program stuff and afraid that I’m going to lose her?
Who is helping you? Who supports you emotionally? Who is there helping with the packing and moving?
Addicts are selfish by and large and I'm assuming your addict is no different. It is imperative that you take care of yourself, regardless, but that becomes even more imperative when you are living with someone who does much more taking than giving don't you think?
There is a book - Codependent no more by Melody Beattie, you might find it helpful in guiding you.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I didn't sign up for addiction and rehab and NA meetings and all this stuff!
She's not equally invested it seems.
Trust your gut instinct when it is telling you, this may be the beginning of the end.
Where her priority is trying to stay clean your priority is in trying to save the relationship. It's apples and oranges, two people with two very different agendas.
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by trailmix
The ground you are on now seems to be all about "helping" her and not yourself?
That’s because she’s the one who needs help and support right now. Am I wrong?
Who is helping you? Who supports you emotionally? Who is there helping with the packing and moving?
I found this place. I go to therapy weekly. I’m trying meetings. I have my friends and family members who give me emotional support. No one is helping me pack and move. While she’s getting better I’m getting us set up for a new life that will support us best. I expect that if roles were reversed she would do the same?
Addicts are selfish by and large and I'm assuming your addict is no different. It is imperative that you take care of yourself, regardless, but that becomes even more imperative when you are living with someone who does much more taking than giving don't you think?
I think you’re right about this, but I don’t really know a different way. I will read CoDependent No More. Thanks
There is a book - Codependent no more by Melody Beattie, you might find it helpful in guiding you.
That’s because she’s the one who needs help and support right now. Am I wrong?
Who is helping you? Who supports you emotionally? Who is there helping with the packing and moving?
I found this place. I go to therapy weekly. I’m trying meetings. I have my friends and family members who give me emotional support. No one is helping me pack and move. While she’s getting better I’m getting us set up for a new life that will support us best. I expect that if roles were reversed she would do the same?
Addicts are selfish by and large and I'm assuming your addict is no different. It is imperative that you take care of yourself, regardless, but that becomes even more imperative when you are living with someone who does much more taking than giving don't you think?
I think you’re right about this, but I don’t really know a different way. I will read CoDependent No More. Thanks
There is a book - Codependent no more by Melody Beattie, you might find it helpful in guiding you.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
I'm glad you have that support, that's great! I too would hope that if the roles were reversed you could expect the same. Could you?
You are asking, reaching out for help from her. In this instance it's "just" packing/moving and the depression you speak of.
In the bigger picture, with your SO, does she normally support you emotionally? You mentioned:
Perhaps I have misunderstood and this is not the norm?
Horrible predicament to be in and of course you feel insecure. She doesn't know though does she? She is no longer (hopefully) the heroin addict she was. She has to fight for her sobriety and learn a new way of coping - that's huge. In order to do this she has to focus on it and since it is so huge, that might not leave a lot of time for a relationship.
This may be hard but please try not to take it personally. It's not you, it's not about you. You are not "unworthy" or a "bad person". The fact that she thinks you bring her down is probably more about the fact that she doesn't have the capacity right now to deal with anyone's feelings other than her own, that has nothing to do with you.
You are asking, reaching out for help from her. In this instance it's "just" packing/moving and the depression you speak of.
In the bigger picture, with your SO, does she normally support you emotionally? You mentioned:
Everything is about her, and I have jumped anytime she asks me to jump.
She has told me that she doesn't know if we are going to be together because I don't know who she is. She tells me that I just depress her and bring her down. She says that the people she lives with makes her happy. She has been mean! At times she calls me names. I just cry and leave her alone until she gets in touch again. When she reaches back out... Ohhh! She loves me and misses me so much. Push and pull.
This may be hard but please try not to take it personally. It's not you, it's not about you. You are not "unworthy" or a "bad person". The fact that she thinks you bring her down is probably more about the fact that she doesn't have the capacity right now to deal with anyone's feelings other than her own, that has nothing to do with you.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry that you've had to come here, but I'm thankful that you're here and reaching out.
I'm close to 7 years being clear from the woman who brought me here to SR. The 15 months she and I were together were, in retrospect, a nightmare. Once I got free of her, my life improved tremendously. I'm not trying to do a one-to-one comparison being my former circumstances and yours. What I would like to do, however, is impress upon you that just because things are horrible for you right now doesn't mean they'll always be horrible.
You're in a situation where you're going to have to be honest with yourself, and embrace your moral compass. There is no room for self deception. There is no room for wishful thinking. You have to make the best decisions for you based on what you know to be true and what you can emotionally handle.
Just because you love someone and they love you doesn't mean you should be together.
I'm close to 7 years being clear from the woman who brought me here to SR. The 15 months she and I were together were, in retrospect, a nightmare. Once I got free of her, my life improved tremendously. I'm not trying to do a one-to-one comparison being my former circumstances and yours. What I would like to do, however, is impress upon you that just because things are horrible for you right now doesn't mean they'll always be horrible.
You're in a situation where you're going to have to be honest with yourself, and embrace your moral compass. There is no room for self deception. There is no room for wishful thinking. You have to make the best decisions for you based on what you know to be true and what you can emotionally handle.
Just because you love someone and they love you doesn't mean you should be together.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
There's a saying around here: let go or be dragged.
So people have an option: 2) detach and self-care while you let the addict figure themselves out. 3) go "no contact"... heal yourself. Both are difficult. In either case, Naranon or Alanon will help. Reading the stickies will help. You also don't have to "sign up" for anything you didn't intentionally sign up for.
Recovery for an addict is an arduous ongoing project. In the early stages (in the first year or two), they (usually) don't have the mental energy for relationships. Of course, this doesn't mean you should wait for them to become sober and ready for you -- they may never be ready for anyone. Sobriety is also an ongoing project. By ongoing... I mean, they will have to work at it forever.
So people have an option: 2) detach and self-care while you let the addict figure themselves out. 3) go "no contact"... heal yourself. Both are difficult. In either case, Naranon or Alanon will help. Reading the stickies will help. You also don't have to "sign up" for anything you didn't intentionally sign up for.
Recovery for an addict is an arduous ongoing project. In the early stages (in the first year or two), they (usually) don't have the mental energy for relationships. Of course, this doesn't mean you should wait for them to become sober and ready for you -- they may never be ready for anyone. Sobriety is also an ongoing project. By ongoing... I mean, they will have to work at it forever.
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