The quiet is the hardest part.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 41
The quiet is the hardest part.
I haven't spoken to my addict in nearly two weeks, aside from one text to let her know that I didn't have the keys she lost but that I did have the succulent plants she left randomly stashed in a storage space in my car a few days before our last argument.
In some ways it has been freeing and liberating. I go to my NarAnon meetings without worrying about whether or not I'm stepping on toes. It's a choice I have made for me and I'm thrilled with it, honestly, which is shocking. I am doing two meetings a week right now because I feel like that's what I need for me. One of the groups has a very calming presence, which works great on Mondays, and the other almost has a church revival feel, which is great for Wednesday night because it gives me some real momentum to get through the last of the week.
Last night I went to a baseball playoff game (I live in Los Angeles so I don't think I need to explain more than that.) It was a great time with some friends and my team won. I didn't worry about the addict. I just enjoyed myself.
Frankly, a lot of time the last two weeks has been spent doing things I enjoy with people I enjoy. I feel like I'm regaining parts of myself I either didn't realize were gone, or didn't realize that I had missed.
That's not the hard part.
The hard part is the quiet. It's those 45 minutes or so at the end of the day when the noise stops, the friends go home, I get out of the car and turn off my music, I take the medications...the medications I never needed before she came home from prison and slowly turned my life into a stressball in ways I thought it wouldn't be with her out.....and I wait for the blood pressure one to knock me out.
Those are the hard moments. 10 minutes or so to decompress. Then about 20 minutes of my mind wandering wherever it will go. Often on her.
I dreamed last night about a reunion. I know it hasn't been long in actual time, but to say I don't miss her would be a lie. She was sober. Happy. We were with friends and family and listening to music and driving around town.
Addicts go through withdrawals from their drug of choice. I'm fully convinced that, when we opt to "let go," even if it's not a forever solution and simply an opportunity for peace and transformation for ourselves, we go through our own withdrawal symptoms.
The other night I told a friend of mine I was chatting with in some down time "it's really weird and it makes no sense. I am having such a good time when I'm occupied. But then it gets quiet. And I miss the chaos." I brought this up at my last NarAnon meeting. Of course we don't cross-talk, but there's a revival feel and we push a little on the rules....so sometimes there is a bit of a brief peanut gallary so when I said that I looked around and heard "yep" "I hear you" "been there" "it makes no sense and yet we do it."
It helps to know I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one who feels that way. It doesn't make me miss her less. It doesn't make me stop missing the chaos all together. But it does ease my pain.
I wonder if I'll ever stop missing the chaos. Even if my addict becomes healthy and works on her recovery, even if we at some point recover some semblance of what we once had, for better or worse......does this go away? Or am I doomed to miss a role that I took in her life that benefited neither of us but at least kept things entertaining?
In some ways it has been freeing and liberating. I go to my NarAnon meetings without worrying about whether or not I'm stepping on toes. It's a choice I have made for me and I'm thrilled with it, honestly, which is shocking. I am doing two meetings a week right now because I feel like that's what I need for me. One of the groups has a very calming presence, which works great on Mondays, and the other almost has a church revival feel, which is great for Wednesday night because it gives me some real momentum to get through the last of the week.
Last night I went to a baseball playoff game (I live in Los Angeles so I don't think I need to explain more than that.) It was a great time with some friends and my team won. I didn't worry about the addict. I just enjoyed myself.
Frankly, a lot of time the last two weeks has been spent doing things I enjoy with people I enjoy. I feel like I'm regaining parts of myself I either didn't realize were gone, or didn't realize that I had missed.
That's not the hard part.
The hard part is the quiet. It's those 45 minutes or so at the end of the day when the noise stops, the friends go home, I get out of the car and turn off my music, I take the medications...the medications I never needed before she came home from prison and slowly turned my life into a stressball in ways I thought it wouldn't be with her out.....and I wait for the blood pressure one to knock me out.
Those are the hard moments. 10 minutes or so to decompress. Then about 20 minutes of my mind wandering wherever it will go. Often on her.
I dreamed last night about a reunion. I know it hasn't been long in actual time, but to say I don't miss her would be a lie. She was sober. Happy. We were with friends and family and listening to music and driving around town.
Addicts go through withdrawals from their drug of choice. I'm fully convinced that, when we opt to "let go," even if it's not a forever solution and simply an opportunity for peace and transformation for ourselves, we go through our own withdrawal symptoms.
The other night I told a friend of mine I was chatting with in some down time "it's really weird and it makes no sense. I am having such a good time when I'm occupied. But then it gets quiet. And I miss the chaos." I brought this up at my last NarAnon meeting. Of course we don't cross-talk, but there's a revival feel and we push a little on the rules....so sometimes there is a bit of a brief peanut gallary so when I said that I looked around and heard "yep" "I hear you" "been there" "it makes no sense and yet we do it."
It helps to know I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one who feels that way. It doesn't make me miss her less. It doesn't make me stop missing the chaos all together. But it does ease my pain.
I wonder if I'll ever stop missing the chaos. Even if my addict becomes healthy and works on her recovery, even if we at some point recover some semblance of what we once had, for better or worse......does this go away? Or am I doomed to miss a role that I took in her life that benefited neither of us but at least kept things entertaining?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I wonder if I'll ever stop missing the chaos.
yes you will. right now it's your normal, your uncomfortable comfort zone.....it's what you know, what you are used to.
it's like the difference of working in a busy office during the week and coming in on a saturday.....
addicts are like Die Hard movies.....and we're Bruce Willis.....beat up and barefoot but yelling Yippee Ki-Yay MFr...bring it on!
you will come to appreciate the silence, the peace, the sedate......it will just take time.
yes you will. right now it's your normal, your uncomfortable comfort zone.....it's what you know, what you are used to.
it's like the difference of working in a busy office during the week and coming in on a saturday.....
addicts are like Die Hard movies.....and we're Bruce Willis.....beat up and barefoot but yelling Yippee Ki-Yay MFr...bring it on!
you will come to appreciate the silence, the peace, the sedate......it will just take time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
It is good for you to be observing yourself as you go through this, because it is self-observation that allows you to experience yourself with and without choas or distraction. It's one way to get to know yourself. And the more you observe, the more you'll answer your own question about all this.
I do think we all become more and more appreciative of normal activity, peace and the simple pleasures in life as we heal, but it takes time.
And, my experience has been that after my addict was in rehab or gone for whatever reason, it took me a while to sort out what happened, my role in it and to become ok with being ok. It's a strange sort of empty nest syndrome.
It also seems that just like our addicts, we have triggers - so when I get to a place where my life is working normally and I am at peace, I can be susceptible to another round of chaos if I'm not careful when it comes to my addict.
So I think we can get to the point where we don't miss the chaos - and - there are things that might cause us to relapse.
Hoping you benefit from this time of healing and that it takes you to a sustainable place of peace.
I do think we all become more and more appreciative of normal activity, peace and the simple pleasures in life as we heal, but it takes time.
And, my experience has been that after my addict was in rehab or gone for whatever reason, it took me a while to sort out what happened, my role in it and to become ok with being ok. It's a strange sort of empty nest syndrome.
It also seems that just like our addicts, we have triggers - so when I get to a place where my life is working normally and I am at peace, I can be susceptible to another round of chaos if I'm not careful when it comes to my addict.
So I think we can get to the point where we don't miss the chaos - and - there are things that might cause us to relapse.
Hoping you benefit from this time of healing and that it takes you to a sustainable place of peace.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
ebecker, I wonder if this is an inappropriate suggestion... but have you considered getting a dog or cat? Something furry and warm to fill the silence, but not so filling that you don't have room to process your emotions? Pets are a big commitment, so maybe you can foster some puppies or kittens or help train some seeing-eye dogs?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 178
Wow, I think you're doing great ;-) You're really taking good care of yourself, as you should.
I can relate to the quiet time. It's not that I missed the chaos, because the chaos was still raging. But when I'd get in bed at night with nothing to listen to but crickets or the hum of the a/c, my mind would race out of control. I started listening to medications, soothing music, or audio books, just to keep my mind occupied and lull me to sleep - kind of like a bedtime story for kids. Keep taking care of yourself.
I can relate to the quiet time. It's not that I missed the chaos, because the chaos was still raging. But when I'd get in bed at night with nothing to listen to but crickets or the hum of the a/c, my mind would race out of control. I started listening to medications, soothing music, or audio books, just to keep my mind occupied and lull me to sleep - kind of like a bedtime story for kids. Keep taking care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It took me a very long time of getting usto my life without chaos. It was not an addiction, but certainly had become my way of life. I have heard many others say the same.
I can only say you are definitely not alone!
I can only say you are definitely not alone!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 8
Yes, night time is the hardest time for me as well. Here are things I do:
I cry, and I put a set amount of time on it. I don’t need to cry all night.
I journal in three ways: handwritten, dictation, and typing. We use different parts of our brain for each of these activities.
I take medication: For me this is self-care and I’m so proud of myself for participating in psychiatry appointments and taking my meds as prescribed. I would be so much more imbalanced without them.
I read recovery literature, recently started reading and posting here, and I listen to Naranon and NA speakers on YouTube.
I make phone calls to night owl loved ones. I do this about 2x week.
I do yoga and meditation about 2 evenings a week. This really helps me relax after a post cry it out or journal it out session.
I practice being kind to myself. I have been working on this for so many years! Trust me, I actively tell myself to be loving and kind to myself everyday.
I am addicted to drama and crisis. I’ve spent a lot of time working on uncovering where this comes from. I’ve had years of therapy and school. My goal is to eventually get this rush exclusively from work. That hasn’t happened yet! I work in crisis, but I’m living it in my personal life too. We have to have people In this world who thrive in crisis. Think about all of our crisis workers: EMTs, everyone who works in an emergency room, mental health crisis workers. This is just a short list!
I hope something in here helps. It does feel good to share. Thanks!
I cry, and I put a set amount of time on it. I don’t need to cry all night.
I journal in three ways: handwritten, dictation, and typing. We use different parts of our brain for each of these activities.
I take medication: For me this is self-care and I’m so proud of myself for participating in psychiatry appointments and taking my meds as prescribed. I would be so much more imbalanced without them.
I read recovery literature, recently started reading and posting here, and I listen to Naranon and NA speakers on YouTube.
I make phone calls to night owl loved ones. I do this about 2x week.
I do yoga and meditation about 2 evenings a week. This really helps me relax after a post cry it out or journal it out session.
I practice being kind to myself. I have been working on this for so many years! Trust me, I actively tell myself to be loving and kind to myself everyday.
I am addicted to drama and crisis. I’ve spent a lot of time working on uncovering where this comes from. I’ve had years of therapy and school. My goal is to eventually get this rush exclusively from work. That hasn’t happened yet! I work in crisis, but I’m living it in my personal life too. We have to have people In this world who thrive in crisis. Think about all of our crisis workers: EMTs, everyone who works in an emergency room, mental health crisis workers. This is just a short list!
I hope something in here helps. It does feel good to share. Thanks!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Sitting with Silence was something I had to learn in recovery. I shared about it here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ahhhhhhhh.html (The Sound of Silence... ahhhhhhhh)
I hadn't realized that I was literally filling every minute of my life with noise/distraction, in small & constant ways. It never allowed the space I needed for my deepest thoughts to bubble up & out. Never enough time in silence to differentiate the "voices". To learn to face the ugly thoughts & let them roll off without getting tangled back up in them all over again.
It's important but SO hard to get used to! I was shocked at how easily my discomfort manifested physically - total & complete anxiety. Practicing meditation helped tremendously.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ahhhhhhhh.html (The Sound of Silence... ahhhhhhhh)
I hadn't realized that I was literally filling every minute of my life with noise/distraction, in small & constant ways. It never allowed the space I needed for my deepest thoughts to bubble up & out. Never enough time in silence to differentiate the "voices". To learn to face the ugly thoughts & let them roll off without getting tangled back up in them all over again.
It's important but SO hard to get used to! I was shocked at how easily my discomfort manifested physically - total & complete anxiety. Practicing meditation helped tremendously.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by FireSprite 
Sitting with Silence was something I had to learn in recovery. I shared about it here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ahhhhhhhh.html (The Sound of Silence... ahhhhhhhh)
I hadn't realized that I was literally filling every minute of my life with noise/distraction, in small & constant ways. It never allowed the space I needed for my deepest thoughts to bubble up & out. Never enough time in silence to differentiate the "voices". To learn to face the ugly thoughts & let them roll off without getting tangled back up in them all over again.
It's important but SO hard to get used to! I was shocked at how easily my discomfort manifested physically - total & complete anxiety. Practicing meditation helped tremendously.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ahhhhhhhh.html (The Sound of Silence... ahhhhhhhh)
I hadn't realized that I was literally filling every minute of my life with noise/distraction, in small & constant ways. It never allowed the space I needed for my deepest thoughts to bubble up & out. Never enough time in silence to differentiate the "voices". To learn to face the ugly thoughts & let them roll off without getting tangled back up in them all over again.
It's important but SO hard to get used to! I was shocked at how easily my discomfort manifested physically - total & complete anxiety. Practicing meditation helped tremendously.
As time goes on I realize that I need my silent time now and then. It makes sense now why sometimes when I'd drive home from a particularly stressful night I'd shut off my radio and GPS and just go on autopilot. Nothing but the noise of the road and the cool of the night......
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