Probably not coming back is he.....
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Probably not coming back is he.....
It's strange, reading back over my old Post in here, I sound like I'm doing well, doing self care and detaching from the guy I was involved with. It ebs and flows.
Today I'm sad and missing him. It will be 8 weeks this Saturday since he told me he needs space to focus on his recovery. Said he would be in touch in future when doing amends part of AA steps.
I wonder, from anyone who has been through rehab, he was in 6 months residential, drugs and alcohol,is it likely he would ever come back or will he change too much?
(I know my focus needs to be on me and my codependent recovery, but I'm feeling weak and would like to hear some experiences).
Today I'm sad and missing him. It will be 8 weeks this Saturday since he told me he needs space to focus on his recovery. Said he would be in touch in future when doing amends part of AA steps.
I wonder, from anyone who has been through rehab, he was in 6 months residential, drugs and alcohol,is it likely he would ever come back or will he change too much?
(I know my focus needs to be on me and my codependent recovery, but I'm feeling weak and would like to hear some experiences).
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Location: USA
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I would say if he is doing what he should be, and focusing on himself and his recovery, he won't come back. For so many that is too hard of a reminder and they need a new start. Of course no one knows, likely not even him.
I know you are feeling weak and sad, but the reality is, it's time to focus on you and being the person you should be. This will set you up for healthy relationships in the future.
big hugs.
I know you are feeling weak and sad, but the reality is, it's time to focus on you and being the person you should be. This will set you up for healthy relationships in the future.
big hugs.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 
I would say if he is doing what he should be, and focusing on himself and his recovery, he won't come back. For so many that is too hard of a reminder and they need a new start. Of course no one knows, likely not even him.
I know you are feeling weak and sad, but the reality is, it's time to focus on you and being the person you should be. This will set you up for healthy relationships in the future.
big hugs.
I know you are feeling weak and sad, but the reality is, it's time to focus on you and being the person you should be. This will set you up for healthy relationships in the future.
big hugs.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
That’s kind of impossible to answer, so many variables with so many different answers.
But no matter what the answer is, don’t you want to be more prepared for yourself either way. Say he comes back after working a really good program and you are still in the same emotional place you were in when he left, that’s not going to work for him is it? And let’s say he does come back, maybe still using/drinking don’t you want to be prepared for that as well?
But no matter what the answer is, don’t you want to be more prepared for yourself either way. Say he comes back after working a really good program and you are still in the same emotional place you were in when he left, that’s not going to work for him is it? And let’s say he does come back, maybe still using/drinking don’t you want to be prepared for that as well?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
The hard part of relationships in addiction is that they are not really relationship in the healthy sense of the word.
Most of us codependents need a lot of recovery before we can tolerate a healthy relationship without the drama, angst, "needing to be needed", etc. And most addicts have a hard time with relationships because their primary relationship is with the substance - and people are just a means to support that.
I am guessing that there are as many that come back as don't because watching my addict's set of friends it seems to be a mixed bag.
That said, maybe another question to consider might be - of those that return, how does that work out? And what makes the difference between those that endure and those that don't. Because its not just the "coming back" - what's important is what happens after if they do.
Someone once told me that in life, lessons tend to repeat themselves until we learn the lesson of it. In my own experience, until I was firmly in my own recovery, I was with the "same person" over and over - but they all had different names.
Prayers you can be gentle with yourself during this delicate time of sadness, and that your own recovery brings you the kind of relationship that endures in peace,
Most of us codependents need a lot of recovery before we can tolerate a healthy relationship without the drama, angst, "needing to be needed", etc. And most addicts have a hard time with relationships because their primary relationship is with the substance - and people are just a means to support that.
I am guessing that there are as many that come back as don't because watching my addict's set of friends it seems to be a mixed bag.
That said, maybe another question to consider might be - of those that return, how does that work out? And what makes the difference between those that endure and those that don't. Because its not just the "coming back" - what's important is what happens after if they do.
Someone once told me that in life, lessons tend to repeat themselves until we learn the lesson of it. In my own experience, until I was firmly in my own recovery, I was with the "same person" over and over - but they all had different names.
Prayers you can be gentle with yourself during this delicate time of sadness, and that your own recovery brings you the kind of relationship that endures in peace,
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It sounds like he is taking good care of himself, recovery is all about that.
Now it's time for you to take good care of yourself, it's okay to be sad but just don't hang out there too long, it's a dead end street.
Maybe make some extra effort and time to decide some new interests for you, a hobby or special interest group, planning a weekend away with a friend, attending some special events....fall fairs are big this time of year, or free outdoor concerts.
Distract yourself with other projects or fun things, it may feel difficult at first but it will take you out of yourself and your darkness and bring you joy you may have missed the past while.
Now it's time for you to take good care of yourself, it's okay to be sad but just don't hang out there too long, it's a dead end street.
Maybe make some extra effort and time to decide some new interests for you, a hobby or special interest group, planning a weekend away with a friend, attending some special events....fall fairs are big this time of year, or free outdoor concerts.
Distract yourself with other projects or fun things, it may feel difficult at first but it will take you out of yourself and your darkness and bring you joy you may have missed the past while.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I don't know if this will help you, but it helped me. For me... it's like there were two of my addict ex. There was the him that was sweet and then him that was a terror, and when he became a terror, he killed the other one, the nice one. So I had to accept that that was what he did, that was his choice. But then my ex was abusive. I think every case is different, but I agree with Troubledone. If he did come back to you, he would be (hopefully) different, and that isn't a bad thing. But if you are not also changed, nothing changes. And if you change... you may not actually want him back. That also isn't necessarily a bad thing.
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
There was the him that was sweet and then him that was a terror, and when he became a terror, he killed the other one, the nice one. So I had to accept that that was what he did
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Originally Posted by atalose
That’s kind of impossible to answer, so many variables with so many different answers.
But no matter what the answer is, don’t you want to be more prepared for yourself either way. Say he comes back after working a really good program and you are still in the same emotional place you were in when he left, that’s not going to work for him is it? And let’s say he does come back, maybe still using/drinking don’t you want to be prepared for that as well?
But no matter what the answer is, don’t you want to be more prepared for yourself either way. Say he comes back after working a really good program and you are still in the same emotional place you were in when he left, that’s not going to work for him is it? And let’s say he does come back, maybe still using/drinking don’t you want to be prepared for that as well?
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
I don't know if this will help you, but it helped me. For me... it's like there were two of my addict ex. There was the him that was sweet and then him that was a terror, and when he became a terror, he killed the other one, the nice one. So I had to accept that that was what he did, that was his choice. But then my ex was abusive. I think every case is different, but I agree with Troubledone. If he did come back to you, he would be (hopefully) different, and that isn't a bad thing. But if you are not also changed, nothing changes. And if you change... you may not actually want him back. That also isn't necessarily a bad thing.
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Originally Posted by Ann
It sounds like he is taking good care of himself, recovery is all about that.
Now it's time for you to take good care of yourself, it's okay to be sad but just don't hang out there too long, it's a dead end street.
Maybe make some extra effort and time to decide some new interests for you, a hobby or special interest group, planning a weekend away with a friend, attending some special events....fall fairs are big this time of year, or free outdoor concerts.
Distract yourself with other projects or fun things, it may feel difficult at first but it will take you out of yourself and your darkness and bring you joy you may have missed the past while.
Now it's time for you to take good care of yourself, it's okay to be sad but just don't hang out there too long, it's a dead end street.
Maybe make some extra effort and time to decide some new interests for you, a hobby or special interest group, planning a weekend away with a friend, attending some special events....fall fairs are big this time of year, or free outdoor concerts.
Distract yourself with other projects or fun things, it may feel difficult at first but it will take you out of yourself and your darkness and bring you joy you may have missed the past while.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by Troubledone
The hard part of relationships in addiction is that they are not really relationship in the healthy sense of the word.
Most of us codependents need a lot of recovery before we can tolerate a healthy relationship without the drama, angst, "needing to be needed", etc. And most addicts have a hard time with relationships because their primary relationship is with the substance - and people are just a means to support that.
I am guessing that there are as many that come back as don't because watching my addict's set of friends it seems to be a mixed bag.
That said, maybe another question to consider might be - of those that return, how does that work out? And what makes the difference between those that endure and those that don't. Because its not just the "coming back" - what's important is what happens after if they do.
Someone once told me that in life, lessons tend to repeat themselves until we learn the lesson of it. In my own experience, until I was firmly in my own recovery, I was with the "same person" over and over - but they all had different names.
Prayers you can be gentle with yourself during this delicate time of sadness, and that your own recovery brings you the kind of relationship that endures in peace,
Most of us codependents need a lot of recovery before we can tolerate a healthy relationship without the drama, angst, "needing to be needed", etc. And most addicts have a hard time with relationships because their primary relationship is with the substance - and people are just a means to support that.
I am guessing that there are as many that come back as don't because watching my addict's set of friends it seems to be a mixed bag.
That said, maybe another question to consider might be - of those that return, how does that work out? And what makes the difference between those that endure and those that don't. Because its not just the "coming back" - what's important is what happens after if they do.
Someone once told me that in life, lessons tend to repeat themselves until we learn the lesson of it. In my own experience, until I was firmly in my own recovery, I was with the "same person" over and over - but they all had different names.
Prayers you can be gentle with yourself during this delicate time of sadness, and that your own recovery brings you the kind of relationship that endures in peace,
Thanks for the prayers. I really need them, I feel some days I'm doing really well but most days I'm struggling, the thoughts keep me stuck.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Some days I feel like I'm not making any progress at all but hopefully this is just low self esteem talking.
It’s two steps forward three steps back when it comes to our healing, it is a process. A process that takes time and an open mind no matter how much it may hurt us. We can’t go around or jump over the hurt and pain we have to just allow ourselves to feel it no matter how uncomfortable it makes us feel.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
It's strange, reading back over my old Post in here, I sound like I'm doing well, doing self care and detaching from the guy I was involved with. It ebs and flows.
Today I'm sad and missing him. It will be 8 weeks this Saturday since he told me he needs space to focus on his recovery. Said he would be in touch in future when doing amends part of AA steps.
I wonder, from anyone who has been through rehab, he was in 6 months residential, drugs and alcohol,is it likely he would ever come back or will he change too much?
(I know my focus needs to be on me and my codependent recovery, but I'm feeling weak and would like to hear some experiences).
Today I'm sad and missing him. It will be 8 weeks this Saturday since he told me he needs space to focus on his recovery. Said he would be in touch in future when doing amends part of AA steps.
I wonder, from anyone who has been through rehab, he was in 6 months residential, drugs and alcohol,is it likely he would ever come back or will he change too much?
(I know my focus needs to be on me and my codependent recovery, but I'm feeling weak and would like to hear some experiences).
Now, I haven't been through rehab myself. I was on the other side. I worked in one for a few years. But I've seen a lot of struggles and miracles from that perspective. But there's that notion....Will he come back?
That depends.
And a lot of it depends on who he feels comfortable having as a firm part of his support group. And a bit of it is probably also going to depend on your own recovery as a co-dependent. Part of the notion is going to be whether or not he views you as a trigger in terms of how he interacts with you, which goes beyond simply being an enabler to being an actual cause (right or wrong, in his mind, which you can't control) of his cycle of abuse at any stage.
Remember: it comes down to the notion that the only person you can control is yourself. The thing I am learning as I go through all this as a supporter (so to speak) is that I can't control her, just like you can't control him. And that's true whether they're sober or in active addiction and, if they are sober, regardless of what stage of recovery they're in.
Remember that part of amends is to do so without doing harm. It will also be up to him to decide whether or not he can do amends without doing harm. If he takes stock and sees you as someone he has to make amends to, then I hope he will do so and that he will do so in person. But he may not. You need to be ready for that possibility.
Remember also that he may also have relapse. That he may go back into active addiction. Sometimes our loved ones don't recover and re-enter the cycle. Sometimes relapse is just a part of recovery.
You've had some pretty good advice here and I'd just re-enforce those. Take what works. Disregard what doesn't. Most importantly, keep the focus on you. It's okay to be weak. It's okay to have bad days. It's okay to miss him. But keep doing what you need to do to get back to being you.
Bless you on the journey.
-Eric
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