Troubledone

Just a few adds from my experience.

My addict (niece) 37, has been in rehab twice and she's back in rehab now.

Each time she went from sober living to another dependent place where she did not have to learn to stand on her own two feet. (Boyfriends house or mine)

Just as she was getting her life in order each time - she relapsed - badly and long - and sneaky. It took a while to figure it out. It was almost like she was afraid of being an adult and relapsing was a way to stay dependent or zone out.

I only say this because support is one thing - but even in a relationship - each person needs to be mature and responsible for themselves first or its doomed to dysfunction.

Is she mature and responsible? Can she take care of herself? Will living with you encourage maturity and independence? Is she as desperate to stay sober as you are for her to stay sober? Are you desperate enough to avoid codependent behavior with firm boundaries and contingencies prepared in case boundaries are violated?

Romantic relationships are particularly tricky because there is so much at stake - especially if you (or she) hopes for marriage and family - once kids are part of the picture the stakes go way up.

So, I'm not suggesting you abandon her - I am suggesting you have eyes wide open and think through the long game. And, be willing to give yourself permission to change your mind about all this if your HP starts to lead you in a different direction.

Best of Luck!

DBCooper

I have every reason to think she'll excel in that regard. She is one of the most capable, hard working people I know.

Up until the legal trouble that lead her to this in patient recovery, she has been financially independent as long as I've known her, about 7 years now. The only exception to that was the time period in 2015 when I supported her financially for a few months while she struggled to wean herself off the last little bits of suboxone at my place. That's the only period of time she was not supporting her rent, utilities, her son (who's currently with her parents), her son's father (currently in jail for stealing a car), and sometimes helping support her parents as well.

She's had a raging codependency problem, and spent a lot of time balancing one drug with another to keep up with it all. I was the first peraon in her life who ever offered her a chance to put the load down and focus on herself; but she relapsed first on the codependency, then it quickly lead to her relapse on the opiates. At that time she was constantly expressing worry about how everyone she'd been carrying were going to get by. I ended up carrying unemployed babydaddy at that time, and ran myself into bankruptcy enabling her codependency, not on her addiction.

I get a very different vibe from her the last couple months. If I had a nickle for all the times she's expressed her relief over using her recovery situation this summer to quit dealing with everyone else and focus on herself... I really hope she truly has learned to say 'no'. So far she is keeping focused on working her program and getting the pieces in place to get back and forth to work.

I should add, she hasn't asked me for a dime in the five days she's been here. Before long I'm gonna be having to tell her to only put her money toward getting a few thousand in the bank, rather than chipping in on my mortgage and utilities. If she remains here, I'll be open to it eventually, but I want her to have her own funds stashed away so she can never feel like she's stuck here. If she's here, I want it to be by choice, not necessity.

And if she has a relapse, at least she'll be able to go do it on her own terms. As I've said, her and me and an drugs is just not a threesome I'm up for.

AlwaysGrowing

DBC

I totally get 'how to do play this out'. We are fixers, problem solvers and not to long ago house bread winners.

Here is what I have read from your posts. How do 'I' deal with it. Like others suggested Alanon. Yea, it sucks as now it's not something she needs to do, you have a part as well.

Let's back up a bit. You have a clean slate at the moment, no kids, not married etc. WHY WHY WHY would you want to be in a relationship with an addict?

Insane or Want to fixer her are the only two answers. Pick one.

This might sound a bit harsh but maybe there are other women who are looking for a guy like yourself.

AG

DBCooper

We had a good talk about it after work today, and the more I mull it over, the more I'm coming to that conclusion myself. We're in agreement that we shouldn't be living together at this point. She brought it up, so I quickly agreed. That much is a load off, and I don't have to feel like I yanked the rug out from under her or anything. And not being around her much makes it much easier for me to go back to a comfortable frame of mind, not continually investing emotionally into a relationship I know it would be wrong to look for much back out of, at least anytime in the forseeable future.

We can part as friends, or we can occasionally go out on a date, I'm open to whatever. But if it's more casual then I'm not so close to the grenade if she slips and pulls the pin on it again.

I'll continue to offer her words of encouragement and congratulations, and hope she continues to succeed. But after more fully processing what I offered to sign up for, I jumped at the chance to take the first off ramp.

August252015

There is some good stuff there. The best part is your last line.

Now, perhaps jumping off emotionally is the best path. That very likely means support that is available to you such as Al Anon and the like hat many of us have suggested.

It might sound strange, but you need recovery too.

Best of choices to you.