Troubledone

In my last post, my niece was sent to treatment in lieu of commitment. She's been in MI/CD treatment for 16 days. Yesterday was the first day she called and didn't ask for anything except if I could visit.

It was the first time in 15 months that she sounded calm and rational. (But I'm not celebrating yet).

I took some clothes to her and some toiletries after she was there about a week. She asked if I could bring some things because all she had was the clothes on her back. Later she asked for some money for the vending machines so she could buy paper/stamps, snacks, pop. She asked my sister to buy her a vape pen (e cigarette). We have not provided any of this.

I am going to visit her on Sunday. I don't have any fantasies that she will confess to using (she thinks she only has a marijuana problem when in fact she was high on meth when they picked her up).

My question: Should I take her some of the things she said she wanted money for like pop, stamps and paper, snacks (instead of money) - which are allowed?

I don't feel good about giving her money because I'm pretty sure that at the least, she'll buy cigarettes and while that's her business, I don't feel compelled to finance that. I worry about the paper because she may write to her addict friends - she can't call them because she doesn't know their phone numbers, but she may know their addresses.

She did ask me for money to get her car out of impound, save her belongings from being sold from the storage unit she hasn't paid for in months and her cell phone bill - but I have refused all these things and they will soon be gone for good.

I never really know what is "support" and what is enabling.

Any thoughts???

Thanks,

pdm22

If the items are allowed, and you don’t care what she endes up doing with them, I’d bring her a little something if you wanted to. Me personally, I wouldn’t give money either, but I’d be okay with things like toiletries and paper, etc.

atalose

I wouldn’t bring her a thing, she asked you to come visit, period. But what I would be preparing for is her asking for your help getting her car her storage etc. she’s ONLY 16 days clean, extremely early recovery and very much still thinking with an active addict mind.

Troubledone

Thanks to both for your replies - yes, 16 days is no time at all in the recovery world - and I agree- I will probably get hit up again for money.. That is the one thing I feel very solid about - no money, not a cent, for anything.

She had asked me for some of the items I am thinking about bringing before - I have just been slow to respond.

Interestingly, I said I'd visit last Wednesday but then getting home late and exhausted from a business trip I decided not to. When she called she said she worried something happened to me because I always do what I say I will do.

I thought about visiting first and then leaving the items if I felt I should, but then wondered if that isn't just the old codependent me. I figure if I can't leave the items with peace in my heart and no expectations, then I probably shouldn't do it.

And yes, I'm pretty sure she can barter a protein bar for a cigarette - but that's on her.

the other thing I am absolutely sure about is that she will never, ever live with me again. So while I hope she makes good use of this third time at treatment, if she does not, then I am prepared to witness whatever happens.

Thanks again for your replies!

53500

And there is your answer. You are ambivalent about bringing things that on their own are harmless. You expect she may barter them for cigarettes or access to her addict friends. So don't bring them and I agree completely, don't give her money.

hopeful4

I personally would take her A FEW things with no value. Anything else, absolutely not. Sometimes it takes having nothing at all before you appreciate what you had.

Big hugs!

Troubledone

Well, just to wrap this up - I did visit.

I took some seltzer water she asked for 12 cans, some shampoo, toothpaste, floss, some protein bars and tea bags. two envelopes, two stamps and some paper in case she wants to write to her mom (but she'll probably write to some idiot friend).

I did not leave her any money.

It was a very short visit as soon as she asked me to pay the back charges on her storage unit so they wouldn't sell her stuff and I said no.

I suppose I can be happy that the staff told me it was not the shortest visit they have ever seen...

In the meantime, I am drafting a letter to make clear what I didn't get a chance to say - Which is basically, I am taking a break and minding my own business so that she can focus on her own recovery. No money, can't live with me, My support is limited to prayers for her welfare...

thanks to all for input. I didn't leave anything I regret (well, maybe except for the stamps) and I did get a good dose of reality which is - she is not interested in recovery yet and she is still willing to rock-drag me and attempt to manipulate me - so I will not subject myself to that any longer.

It is wonderful to have this forum.. thanks all,

atalose

Sounds like you handled that visit in a healthy manner for yourself – short and sweet! Nice job!

As we say around here all the time – it’s not the words it’s the actions that matter the most. I don’t see a need to write her a letter stating your boundaries I’d just do it and let your actions speak for themselves.

But of course if drafting a letter to her helps you put it all down and get it out of your thoughts then by all means do that but I wouldn’t send it.

Troubledone

Atalose - Thank you!

I made several drafts - each shorter than the one before - and did find it helpful for myself. It was like a process of letting go to write them because each draft clarified what boundaries I wanted to maintain and why. It helped me settle into a healthier attitude.

And you are SO right - it is my actions that will make the difference. I doubt she'd even read a letter and I am quite certain it wouldn't change her mind about anything.

By now she knows I won't give her money and since part of the commitment process was me telling the authorities she could not live here - there isn't much else she needs to know.

I was just thinking tonight - I feel sad that in the case of an addict, what we stop ourselves from doing is more important than anything we can do. It's the letting go that helps them, not all the effort. And it takes more courage to do nothing than it does to do a million useless things.

Thanks for answering a question I hadn't quite formulated in my mind. Very helpful!

Walkedon

It does take courage to do nothing. My daughter spent 4 weeks in the pysch ward and is now in a drug rehab. The first week in rehab I was hopeful. But then the phone calls became angry and manipulating. She said she was leaving rehab and coming to my house.
I have said she cannot come here. So now I am trying to do nothing.

atalose

I stopped looking at “doing nothing” as a negative and began becoming grateful that I found the courage and strength to do nothing which when dealing with an addict is a big something.

I learned that loving and supporting is not the same as loving and supporting someone’s actions if they are harming themselves or others with drugs/alcohol.

The first, encourages, the second enables.