ISOfulfillment

I’m peeling the layers on this and it is mind boggling.

If any of you broke free from alcoholics and drug addicts who were also narcissists, what were your experiences?

Glenjo99

Not sure if I broke free or was relieved of my duties! I met a guy about 16 months ago, on a gay dating app. He was extremely good looking, an ex footballer and asked if he could come around to mine. I duly said yes as he was attractive and there was instant fireworks!
Immediate! He said he wasn't gay but wanted to experiment. Over last summer he would come around regularly, drink a lot and take cocaine. He was extremely charming and charismatic. We would be intimate usually only when he was high. Fast forward to last December, his drinking got progressively worse, his mum had to come over from UK to bring him home following a suicide attempt that apparently talking to me helped him out of (made me the hero), I doubt I really was. He returned to UK, over the following 6 months he would ring me up to 8/9 times a day!!! And text more than that. He asked me to come visit in June of this year for 10 days, to do days out explore the area and meet his family. As far as they knew I was just his friend. We planned this down to every last detail. He was sober over those months as he was living at home.

Went over to him in June and he relapsed. Took cocaine from the beginning and drank for 3 days non stop. He was looking for intimacy the whole time. He got progressively abusive to the extent that I was bit afraid by 3rd night. So I walked out!! Worse thing ever you could do to a codependent and narcissist. He text me to say he would kill me if he ever saw me again. He rang his mum immediately to say I had left because I told him I loved him and he couldn't handle it. (Complete lie I hadn't, and straight away threw me under a bus).Tried to disparage me straight away. I'd blown his cover in his mind, his secret was now close to being exposed and I shouldn't have walked out.

He admitted himself to rehab for 6 weeks straight away. His mum rang me and she said she knew what he told her was a lie but they were used to his lies. They paid for his rehab, quite expensive. After he came out, he was very distant with me in the first week, quite angry actually, I though he might have been remorseful but if he's a true narcissist this wouldn't be the case. He then told me a month ago he didn't want any contact and had to focus on recovery. Would be in contact in future when doing steps in AA to make amends. I'm not banking on that. Ever.

So to answer your question I walked out on him but I still wonder if I did the right thing. It probably doesn't matter now as we're not in contact, both traumatised and damaged from it all. 2 wounded souls. I'm trying to do me for now, detach and self care. But even tonight, I've been missing him again for last couple hours. I have moments of wondering is is doing the same thing with someone new now, (probably someone from his rehab) but I suppose it's none of my business now. Sad

TLC

It is mind boggling and heart wrenching.
Yes, been there and still in process of recovering. If interested, you can read any of my threads for my process.
Not sure where I would start as I'm not sure where you are in your process. There are many good and knowledgeable people here, that helped me while I was trying to unravel it. They will be here for you as well.

Mango212

I've been in No Contact with my family of origin who have very strong narcissistic behaviors (no drug/alcohol addictions).

It keeps getting better and better. And better. And better.

My anxieties have been melting away. My health issues are all healing. Life itself is so much bigger and more wonderful in every single way.

Three-pronged healing that's gotten me here, all prayer/God led:

1. No Contact. One day at a time.

2. Law of Attraction.

3. Allowing fun and pain to both be felt.

ISOfulfillment

Glenjo, You absolutely broke free!! I hope that deep down in your heart and soul you recognize that you absolutely did the right thing. No one deserves to abused and made to fear for their lives by anyone, much less someone we are so intimate with.

Someone told me a couple of months ago when i was still yearning so deeply for him that i need to stop remembering the good, because the bad, and the severity of the bad, was completely inexcusable. I didn't see that at the time, but it is crystal clear to me know.

I admire and commend you for your focus on self care and healing. And feeling the sadness when it comes.

ISOfulfillment

TLC, i'm VERY early - just now at the stage of recognition, education, starting self forgiveness and adjusting my approach now that i know the monster i am dealing with. I've just started on the road to recovery and seems like it will be a very long journey since no contact is not an option for me...

I'll dig into your posts.

ISOfulfillment

Kudos to you mango!!! That is a powerful approach to healing that I will add to my tools. Minus the no contact unfortunately, there are kids in the picture...

Nata1980

Yes

Just read your other post - similarly to your qualifier, my son’s father faked it for a while (whisked me away from my family across the big pond no less, used to call to wake me up across the ocean by singing to me etc etc). I felt loved and adored. Until I did not.

Look up intermittent reinforcement/intermittent chicken

I was that chicken. I am still, at times, that chicken (we have a son together and sometimes I “slip”...)

The whole family of XAH seems to have disowned me somehow (they all have narcissistic tendencies)

Oh well such is life.

Narcissism makes addiction so much worse IMO. Narcissism is not possible to treat, and I can see how it could drag the addiction treatment down with it

hopeful4

My experience with my XAH who is a narcissist is this. He is a professional victim. He blames everyone else for his poor choices, especially me. He cannot self reflect in any way at all. He sees that he does nothing wrong ever. He is wrapped up in himself and it's hard to have conversation with him b/c he only wants to discuss his own interests. He never, ever, says he is sorry. He CONSTANTLY speaks ill of everyone else, even people he does not know. He speaks ill of and makes up lies about me, and his own daughter.

It's disgusting. I have very little contact with him, but I pity our children.

OT4Kids

I have not yet broken free