Update: I’m in so much pain
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 30
Update: I’m in so much pain
We just left couples therapy where I found out new information.
It was mid April when I found him OD’d in the bathroom and he went into an Inpatient facility for 2.5 weeks. Those weeks were also the final weeks of my twin pregnancy where my health took a dive and I had to have them early.
When he got out of the inpatient he came for his things and moved into an SLE. Today I found out that not only is that when he got onto the dating apps, that’s when he actively started having sex with other women and only stopped about two weeks ago. That’s first week of May (kids born may2) to end of July, allegedly.
The therapist said it sounded like addiction and he said he has always used sex, romance and flirtation as a way to feel good. He definitely took that all the way all when he got outta detox. The whole while lying to me damn near daily. Oh god...
All this time when Ive been struggling at home with our newborn twins and he was living at the SLE then his apartment, he was having regular sex with four different women. He says it was four but as I noted in my post yesterday there’s probably a whole lot more to all this that I may never know. While also flirting, texting and probably going on actual dates with at least a dozen more.
He displays absolutely no remorse or guilt. I’m gutted. Every time I learn something new I think I’ve sunk to the lowest depths of despair then I hit a new low. I don’t think I can handle this. To know I’m forever linked to him as long as he is alive bc of the kids makes me want to throw up.
What the hell did I ever do to deserve this level of abandonment, betrayal and devastation???!!!!!
He goes to AA just about everyday, sometimes twice a day, has a sponsor he says he talks to everyday and says he is in therapy and that he works the steps. He even says he has commitments at some of the meetings.
How is possible to do all that and yet cheat on your wife who JUST had your BABIES?!!!! And do it so flagrantly?
He stepped out of the session to “use the bathroom” and the therapist all but told me to run the ****
Away from him. Which is fine, because divorce absolutely has to happen. But if only I could with finality, we have two kids together that are only 3.5 MONTHS old. What the hell more lays ahead bc I’ll always have to deal with him long as he is living. Childcare, money, kid bills, holidays, birthdays. I’d like to never see him ever again - a chance I had but didn’t take as late as December ‘17. Now I’m stuck having to interact with this piece of **** for the long haul now, through and after the divorce. The very thought makes me want to lay down and never get up.
It was mid April when I found him OD’d in the bathroom and he went into an Inpatient facility for 2.5 weeks. Those weeks were also the final weeks of my twin pregnancy where my health took a dive and I had to have them early.
When he got out of the inpatient he came for his things and moved into an SLE. Today I found out that not only is that when he got onto the dating apps, that’s when he actively started having sex with other women and only stopped about two weeks ago. That’s first week of May (kids born may2) to end of July, allegedly.
The therapist said it sounded like addiction and he said he has always used sex, romance and flirtation as a way to feel good. He definitely took that all the way all when he got outta detox. The whole while lying to me damn near daily. Oh god...
All this time when Ive been struggling at home with our newborn twins and he was living at the SLE then his apartment, he was having regular sex with four different women. He says it was four but as I noted in my post yesterday there’s probably a whole lot more to all this that I may never know. While also flirting, texting and probably going on actual dates with at least a dozen more.
He displays absolutely no remorse or guilt. I’m gutted. Every time I learn something new I think I’ve sunk to the lowest depths of despair then I hit a new low. I don’t think I can handle this. To know I’m forever linked to him as long as he is alive bc of the kids makes me want to throw up.
What the hell did I ever do to deserve this level of abandonment, betrayal and devastation???!!!!!
He goes to AA just about everyday, sometimes twice a day, has a sponsor he says he talks to everyday and says he is in therapy and that he works the steps. He even says he has commitments at some of the meetings.
How is possible to do all that and yet cheat on your wife who JUST had your BABIES?!!!! And do it so flagrantly?
He stepped out of the session to “use the bathroom” and the therapist all but told me to run the ****
Away from him. Which is fine, because divorce absolutely has to happen. But if only I could with finality, we have two kids together that are only 3.5 MONTHS old. What the hell more lays ahead bc I’ll always have to deal with him long as he is living. Childcare, money, kid bills, holidays, birthdays. I’d like to never see him ever again - a chance I had but didn’t take as late as December ‘17. Now I’m stuck having to interact with this piece of **** for the long haul now, through and after the divorce. The very thought makes me want to lay down and never get up.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
ISO, you did NOTHING to deserve this. NOTHING.
Tempting as it may be when someone flouts responsibility for their own actions, do not blame yourself for any of this.
I'm so sorry you are in such terrible pain. I wish I could take it from you. As hard as it seems to believe, you will not always feel this way.
Holding you and your kiddos close in my heart tonight.
Tempting as it may be when someone flouts responsibility for their own actions, do not blame yourself for any of this.
I'm so sorry you are in such terrible pain. I wish I could take it from you. As hard as it seems to believe, you will not always feel this way.
Holding you and your kiddos close in my heart tonight.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by ISOfulfillment 
We just left couples therapy where I found out new information.
It was mid April when I found him OD’d in the bathroom and he went into an Inpatient facility for 2.5 weeks. Those weeks were also the final weeks of my twin pregnancy where my health took a dive and I had to have them early.
When he got out of the inpatient he came for his things and moved into an SLE. Today I found out that not only is that when he got onto the dating apps, that’s when he actively started having sex with other women and only stopped about two weeks ago. That’s first week of May (kids born may2) to end of July, allegedly.
The therapist said it sounded like addiction and he said he has always used sex, romance and flirtation as a way to feel good. He definitely took that all the way all when he got outta detox. The whole while lying to me damn near daily. Oh god...
All this time when Ive been struggling at home with our newborn twins and he was living at the SLE then his apartment, he was having regular sex with four different women. He says it was four but as I noted in my post yesterday there’s probably a whole lot more to all this that I may never know. While also flirting, texting and probably going on actual dates with at least a dozen more.
He displays absolutely no remorse or guilt. I’m gutted. Every time I learn something new I think I’ve sunk to the lowest depths of despair then I hit a new low. I don’t think I can handle this. To know I’m forever linked to him as long as he is alive bc of the kids makes me want to throw up.
What the hell did I ever do to deserve this level of abandonment, betrayal and devastation???!!!!!
He goes to AA just about everyday, sometimes twice a day, has a sponsor he says he talks to everyday and says he is in therapy and that he works the steps. He even says he has commitments at some of the meetings.
How is possible to do all that and yet cheat on your wife who JUST had your BABIES?!!!! And do it so flagrantly?
He stepped out of the session to “use the bathroom” and the therapist all but told me to run the ****
Away from him. Which is fine, because divorce absolutely has to happen. But if only I could with finality, we have two kids together that are only 3.5 MONTHS old. What the hell more lays ahead bc I’ll always have to deal with him long as he is living. Childcare, money, kid bills, holidays, birthdays. I’d like to never see him ever again - a chance I had but didn’t take as late as December ‘17. Now I’m stuck having to interact with this piece of **** for the long haul now, through and after the divorce. The very thought makes me want to lay down and never get up.
It was mid April when I found him OD’d in the bathroom and he went into an Inpatient facility for 2.5 weeks. Those weeks were also the final weeks of my twin pregnancy where my health took a dive and I had to have them early.
When he got out of the inpatient he came for his things and moved into an SLE. Today I found out that not only is that when he got onto the dating apps, that’s when he actively started having sex with other women and only stopped about two weeks ago. That’s first week of May (kids born may2) to end of July, allegedly.
The therapist said it sounded like addiction and he said he has always used sex, romance and flirtation as a way to feel good. He definitely took that all the way all when he got outta detox. The whole while lying to me damn near daily. Oh god...
All this time when Ive been struggling at home with our newborn twins and he was living at the SLE then his apartment, he was having regular sex with four different women. He says it was four but as I noted in my post yesterday there’s probably a whole lot more to all this that I may never know. While also flirting, texting and probably going on actual dates with at least a dozen more.
He displays absolutely no remorse or guilt. I’m gutted. Every time I learn something new I think I’ve sunk to the lowest depths of despair then I hit a new low. I don’t think I can handle this. To know I’m forever linked to him as long as he is alive bc of the kids makes me want to throw up.
What the hell did I ever do to deserve this level of abandonment, betrayal and devastation???!!!!!
He goes to AA just about everyday, sometimes twice a day, has a sponsor he says he talks to everyday and says he is in therapy and that he works the steps. He even says he has commitments at some of the meetings.
How is possible to do all that and yet cheat on your wife who JUST had your BABIES?!!!! And do it so flagrantly?
He stepped out of the session to “use the bathroom” and the therapist all but told me to run the ****
Away from him. Which is fine, because divorce absolutely has to happen. But if only I could with finality, we have two kids together that are only 3.5 MONTHS old. What the hell more lays ahead bc I’ll always have to deal with him long as he is living. Childcare, money, kid bills, holidays, birthdays. I’d like to never see him ever again - a chance I had but didn’t take as late as December ‘17. Now I’m stuck having to interact with this piece of **** for the long haul now, through and after the divorce. The very thought makes me want to lay down and never get up.
I left my ex-husband Memorial Day weekend 2017 & filed for divorce about a month later. My twin boys were only a month old & we also share a son who is now 3.5 years old. It has been the hardest time of my life. Raising 3 kids is hard, even in the best of circumstances. MOST of the time now, I feel happy. I feel strong & free. I could go on & on about all of the crap he’s done to try to make my life a living hell. But as of late, we are getting along well. He has supervised visitation but has been consistent & dependable with that. We have even met up a couple times to do things together with the kids. Although I have to be careful of this so I maintain my boundaries.
I remember feeling like I wanted to die. Not knowing how i was going to get through the day. My kids have saved my life & have been my motivation. I have a long ways to go to be the best version of myself...but it feels so nice to not have a grown-ass man dragging me down (lying, gaslighting, manipulating, psychological/ emotional abuse). I think it’s good to stay angry & write down all of the things he has done to you....and read it when you feel weak or lonely.
One day at a time. You deserve peace & happiness. If you can’t do it for yourself right now, do it for your kids.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 30
Bet, thank you for sharing your experience. For one it is so good to hear from another twin mom - that alone is its own challenge. I have so much I want to ask you and talk to you about that i don't think i can cover here. Can I PM you? Gonna read through your posts too.
I've been writing just about everyday since April and I will continue to do so and also stay active here.
Hearing from you shows me that there is hope even though i don't see it...
I've been writing just about everyday since April and I will continue to do so and also stay active here.
Hearing from you shows me that there is hope even though i don't see it...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Oh there is hope! You have been put through the wringer, no question, but things will get better, you will come out of this.
Personally, now that all is out there, I would cut him out of the couples therapy and just go alone. You need your own support, his role in that is now gone. You might also want to look at divorce support groups and grief support? You need all the support you can get right now.
Secondly, you write about how you will be tied to him through your children. Right now at least he seems to not be very worried about anyone other than himself. Remember it is not up to you to bring him in to the fold, to encourage him to see the children. Certainly he has financial responsibility that he needs to address but other than that you might find that as he is so self-centered he might not be all that interested in spending time with the children.
More will be revealed about that as time goes on.
Personally, now that all is out there, I would cut him out of the couples therapy and just go alone. You need your own support, his role in that is now gone. You might also want to look at divorce support groups and grief support? You need all the support you can get right now.
Secondly, you write about how you will be tied to him through your children. Right now at least he seems to not be very worried about anyone other than himself. Remember it is not up to you to bring him in to the fold, to encourage him to see the children. Certainly he has financial responsibility that he needs to address but other than that you might find that as he is so self-centered he might not be all that interested in spending time with the children.
More will be revealed about that as time goes on.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
ISO. I just want to get you to look at something a different way. Firstly, I am really sorry about the way he has treated you and frankly, I don't care if the therapist thinks it's "addiction" or not, just call a spade a spade and all him an a******. Calling this "addiction" is really generous. Dr. Phil does not believe in sex addiction (I know this is debatable). He says it is not in the DSM. Yes, I know that Dr. Phil is not a practicing psychiatric doctor and his show is entertainment... however, he does have some good, common sense advice. Stop going to couples therapy with this guy, because couples therapy is based on the belief that both parties want to work honestly to save their marriage. Your ex has already proven that he is incapable or not willing to be honest. Find a therapist just for you. One that has no contact with him.
Now here is what you need to look at: your kids. You said that your kids are the only thing that keep you going. I know of a number of single mothers who have said the same thing. It's very difficult being a single parent, and the journey to recovery is going to take longer because of the contact with the abusive partner, but you DO have a motivation to keep going. If you didn't have kids, it wouldn't necessarily be easier to recover from this. I remember not bothering to get out of bed for weeks because I didn't have anything to live for -- I didn't have kids I had to feed or clothe or send to school. If I died, no one would miss me much... or they would initially, but they would get over it. But the plus side of not having kids is that you may really never see your ex again. The plus side of having kids is... well... at least the time you did spend with him had some decent results. Your kids could grow up to become really decent people. You will always love them... even when they are 13 and they tell you they hate you because you won't let them get a tattoo of Adriana Grande (or whoever they are listening to by the time they are 13). You will keep going for your kids because you have to... and you will be okay. It's going to be difficult now, but you will be okay. Please reach out for support when and if you can to people you trust. Please prepare for stormy weather. It is not easy trying to divorce anyone, let alone a selfish, lying, abuser. If you can live through this and thrive, you can do anything.
Now here is what you need to look at: your kids. You said that your kids are the only thing that keep you going. I know of a number of single mothers who have said the same thing. It's very difficult being a single parent, and the journey to recovery is going to take longer because of the contact with the abusive partner, but you DO have a motivation to keep going. If you didn't have kids, it wouldn't necessarily be easier to recover from this. I remember not bothering to get out of bed for weeks because I didn't have anything to live for -- I didn't have kids I had to feed or clothe or send to school. If I died, no one would miss me much... or they would initially, but they would get over it. But the plus side of not having kids is that you may really never see your ex again. The plus side of having kids is... well... at least the time you did spend with him had some decent results. Your kids could grow up to become really decent people. You will always love them... even when they are 13 and they tell you they hate you because you won't let them get a tattoo of Adriana Grande (or whoever they are listening to by the time they are 13). You will keep going for your kids because you have to... and you will be okay. It's going to be difficult now, but you will be okay. Please reach out for support when and if you can to people you trust. Please prepare for stormy weather. It is not easy trying to divorce anyone, let alone a selfish, lying, abuser. If you can live through this and thrive, you can do anything.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Wow, ISO. I am so sorry.
The thing is, there's a good chance that unless a major change occurs in him, there will be little interaction between the two of you over the kids. I mean, with all his "other" obligations". A thought occurred to me while reading: Does he help in any way financially, or had he taken the sober living, apartment, dating, meetings as his sole purpose in life?
I agree...give up the couples counseling ( seems he only goes to rub salt into your wounds) and give personal counseling a try.
ISO...you are important enough to make things now about you and the kids. Let the man-child worry about himself. I know it's hard ( been there) but trust me when I say that what you feel today is NOT the rest of your life.
The thing is, there's a good chance that unless a major change occurs in him, there will be little interaction between the two of you over the kids. I mean, with all his "other" obligations". A thought occurred to me while reading: Does he help in any way financially, or had he taken the sober living, apartment, dating, meetings as his sole purpose in life?
I agree...give up the couples counseling ( seems he only goes to rub salt into your wounds) and give personal counseling a try.
ISO...you are important enough to make things now about you and the kids. Let the man-child worry about himself. I know it's hard ( been there) but trust me when I say that what you feel today is NOT the rest of your life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
What the hell did I ever do to deserve this level of abandonment, betrayal and devastation???!!!!!
There is no short cut through the pain, we need to face it head on and go through it no matter how hard it seems, and it really does get better in time.
I agree with SparkleKitty, stop the couples counseling immediately. Try and allow logic to act first not your emotions. Find a good lawyer and begin the process as quickly as possible. Reach out to family and friends for support. Take positive actions for you and your babies.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 30
Everyone - THANK YOU. Taking your time to write back means the world to me. Feels like a lifeline right now.
I have been in my own therapy for 2 months now. I was going once a week but recently started going twice a week. I have therapy later today and might also have one session with the woman we met with as a couple. That session was ending but it was clear there was a lot she wanted to say to me.
The couples counseling started last week and yesterday was the 2nd session. I agree with all of you that yesterday was also the LAST session. He is outright lying saying he wants to work on the marriage - his behavior and energy prove that.
I’ve been researching divorce extensively. He is a narcissist, Codie, addict and also abusive so this will be difficult. I’m speaking to a lawyer I know today - she has a massive network in our region and will help me find good attorney so I can start divorce process immediately.
about money. Since he moved out he has been paying his share of rent here. He got fired right before rehab and has been stringing along jobs over the past few months. Not earning as much as he did before relapse. He bombed his credit and is neck deep in debt. I know, he keeps getting final notice mail here.
He is paying his share of rent here and wherever he is living. He has bought formula a number of times BUT no clothing, diapers, wipes or anything else. He owes me money from when I unexpectedly had to pay the full rent in May + plus he is on my employers insurance and has not given me a dime for his coverage since he relapsed. He always did every month. He may be struggling with money and huge debt but he still manages to get haircuts, buy tobacco, Starbucks etc and likely spending money taking broads out. So I don’t see a dime outside of him paying his share of rent.
The kids will need childcare soon and i fear that I’ll end up being the one who has to pay. He has been lying about everything so I’m sure he has been able to give me money but chosen not to. He wanted kids more than me and now he has abandoned me with them. I think he is capable and will likely try to screw me financially and dip out of his obligations.
As for the kids since they were 6weeks old he started coming over 3-4nights a week to take care of them at night. (Always sleeps with them in another room)
Last week I told him to take them with him instead of staying the night here on a weeknight. That weekend I asked him to take them Saturday morning to Sunday afternoon and he did.
What are your thoughts on this - I think it will be best that for his time with them he takes them rather than be here in the house. It minimizes my contact with him. And god do I need the break too! I’m with the twins All the time and it is too hard. Ideally he can take them for most of the weekends so I can gain a semblanyof sanity and a life. I do have my older daughter to take of too!
It is hard to see the kids as a blessing and they are definitely not getting me through this. I’m having massive regret. He misled me and I bought into it. I never wanted more kids but went against my gut. I feel trapped caring for children I never considered I would raise as a single mother. It’s like I want them but only with a partner, not as a single mother of THREE! They are a constant reminder that I ignored my gut and I have intense regret about having them even when i had doubts in the first trimester. It’s difficult to admit that but it’s true. That’s not just the post partum depression talking...
I have been in my own therapy for 2 months now. I was going once a week but recently started going twice a week. I have therapy later today and might also have one session with the woman we met with as a couple. That session was ending but it was clear there was a lot she wanted to say to me.
The couples counseling started last week and yesterday was the 2nd session. I agree with all of you that yesterday was also the LAST session. He is outright lying saying he wants to work on the marriage - his behavior and energy prove that.
I’ve been researching divorce extensively. He is a narcissist, Codie, addict and also abusive so this will be difficult. I’m speaking to a lawyer I know today - she has a massive network in our region and will help me find good attorney so I can start divorce process immediately.
about money. Since he moved out he has been paying his share of rent here. He got fired right before rehab and has been stringing along jobs over the past few months. Not earning as much as he did before relapse. He bombed his credit and is neck deep in debt. I know, he keeps getting final notice mail here.
He is paying his share of rent here and wherever he is living. He has bought formula a number of times BUT no clothing, diapers, wipes or anything else. He owes me money from when I unexpectedly had to pay the full rent in May + plus he is on my employers insurance and has not given me a dime for his coverage since he relapsed. He always did every month. He may be struggling with money and huge debt but he still manages to get haircuts, buy tobacco, Starbucks etc and likely spending money taking broads out. So I don’t see a dime outside of him paying his share of rent.
The kids will need childcare soon and i fear that I’ll end up being the one who has to pay. He has been lying about everything so I’m sure he has been able to give me money but chosen not to. He wanted kids more than me and now he has abandoned me with them. I think he is capable and will likely try to screw me financially and dip out of his obligations.
As for the kids since they were 6weeks old he started coming over 3-4nights a week to take care of them at night. (Always sleeps with them in another room)
Last week I told him to take them with him instead of staying the night here on a weeknight. That weekend I asked him to take them Saturday morning to Sunday afternoon and he did.
What are your thoughts on this - I think it will be best that for his time with them he takes them rather than be here in the house. It minimizes my contact with him. And god do I need the break too! I’m with the twins All the time and it is too hard. Ideally he can take them for most of the weekends so I can gain a semblanyof sanity and a life. I do have my older daughter to take of too!
It is hard to see the kids as a blessing and they are definitely not getting me through this. I’m having massive regret. He misled me and I bought into it. I never wanted more kids but went against my gut. I feel trapped caring for children I never considered I would raise as a single mother. It’s like I want them but only with a partner, not as a single mother of THREE! They are a constant reminder that I ignored my gut and I have intense regret about having them even when i had doubts in the first trimester. It’s difficult to admit that but it’s true. That’s not just the post partum depression talking...
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm going to throw in a different angle too, hope you don't mind.
My dad died of cancer when I was 6 years old. My mother worked full time (luckily at a job she loved), raised me and my brothers (12 and 14) and also asked my grandfather to move in when my grandmother died...he was healthy and helpful around the house and a blessing to all of us. All this in a ranch style home maybe 1200 square feet and unfinished basement, nice yard and a cat and a dog.
This was a house filled with love. We were struggling middle class at best but I never felt "without" anything.
This can be how your home will look like, with happy children and a mother who loves them and a home filled with peace and joy. It can be a rental or an apartment or anything you choose, what's important is the way you live with each other, not what you have or don't have.
Right now you are probably overwhelmed, with three children and all this chaos going on. This is a time for self-care and care of your children and it's sad it has to be so stressful right now. But if you dare to dream, to look ahead with hope instead of looking back with regret, if you dare to dig deep within and say "I CAN do it. I WILL do it" and reclaim your life and your spirit...you will one day look back on all this as one of those "strangely wrapped gifts" that led you to living a better and healthier life in years to come.
I cheer you on, no matter how this unfolds, and I keep you and your children in my prayers.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
My dad died of cancer when I was 6 years old. My mother worked full time (luckily at a job she loved), raised me and my brothers (12 and 14) and also asked my grandfather to move in when my grandmother died...he was healthy and helpful around the house and a blessing to all of us. All this in a ranch style home maybe 1200 square feet and unfinished basement, nice yard and a cat and a dog.
This was a house filled with love. We were struggling middle class at best but I never felt "without" anything.
This can be how your home will look like, with happy children and a mother who loves them and a home filled with peace and joy. It can be a rental or an apartment or anything you choose, what's important is the way you live with each other, not what you have or don't have.
Right now you are probably overwhelmed, with three children and all this chaos going on. This is a time for self-care and care of your children and it's sad it has to be so stressful right now. But if you dare to dream, to look ahead with hope instead of looking back with regret, if you dare to dig deep within and say "I CAN do it. I WILL do it" and reclaim your life and your spirit...you will one day look back on all this as one of those "strangely wrapped gifts" that led you to living a better and healthier life in years to come.
I cheer you on, no matter how this unfolds, and I keep you and your children in my prayers.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by trailmix
Oh there is hope! You have been put through the wringer, no question, but things will get better, you will come out of this.
You might also want to look at divorce support groups and grief support? You need all the support you can get right now.
Certainly he has financial responsibility that he needs to address but other than that ...
More will be revealed about that as time goes on.
You might also want to look at divorce support groups and grief support? You need all the support you can get right now.
Certainly he has financial responsibility that he needs to address but other than that ...
More will be revealed about that as time goes on.
Time indeed, will tell
Thank you so much
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by soberista
I agree with all thats been said and so very sorry for your circumstances. I would also add an STI check if you may be at risk.
Sending you love. Xx
Sending you love. Xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
You will keep going for your kids because you have to... and you will be okay. It's going to be difficult now, but you will be okay. Please reach out for support when and if you can to people you trust. Please prepare for stormy weather. It is not easy trying to divorce anyone, let alone a selfish, lying, abuser. If you can live through this and thrive, you can do anything.
Thanks Ophelia - I'm holding on tight to the quote above. When I first started therapy and was very suicidal, my therapist told me "He is not Worth it". That quote has gotten me through dark moments.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by Ann
I'm going to throw in a different angle too, hope you don't mind.
This can be how your home will look like, with happy children and a mother who loves them and a home filled with peace and joy. It can be a rental or an apartment or anything you choose, what's important is the way you live with each other, not what you have or don't have.
if you dare to dream, to look ahead with hope instead of looking back with regret, if you dare to dig deep within and say "I CAN do it. I WILL do it" and reclaim your life and your spirit...you will one day look back on all this as one of those "strangely wrapped gifts" that led you to living a better and healthier life in years to come.
I cheer you on, no matter how this unfolds, and I keep you and your children in my prayers.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
This can be how your home will look like, with happy children and a mother who loves them and a home filled with peace and joy. It can be a rental or an apartment or anything you choose, what's important is the way you live with each other, not what you have or don't have.
if you dare to dream, to look ahead with hope instead of looking back with regret, if you dare to dig deep within and say "I CAN do it. I WILL do it" and reclaim your life and your spirit...you will one day look back on all this as one of those "strangely wrapped gifts" that led you to living a better and healthier life in years to come.
I cheer you on, no matter how this unfolds, and I keep you and your children in my prayers.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by ISOfulfillment
The kids will need childcare soon and i fear that I’ll end up being the one who has to pay. He has been lying about everything so I’m sure he has been able to give me money but chosen not to. He wanted kids more than me and now he has abandoned me with them. I think he is capable and will likely try to screw me financially and dip out of his obligations.
As for the kids since they were 6weeks old he started coming over 3-4nights a week to take care of them at night. (Always sleeps with them in another room)
Last week I told him to take them with him instead of staying the night here on a weeknight. That weekend I asked him to take them Saturday morning to Sunday afternoon and he did.
What are your thoughts on this - I think it will be best that for his time with them he takes them rather than be here in the house. It minimizes my contact with him. And god do I need the break too! I’m with the twins All the time and it is too hard. Ideally he can take them for most of the weekends so I can gain a semblanyof sanity and a life. I do have my older daughter to take of too!
It is hard to see the kids as a blessing and they are definitely not getting me through this. I’m having massive regret. He misled me and I bought into it. I never wanted more kids but went against my gut. I feel trapped caring for children I never considered I would raise as a single mother. It’s like I want them but only with a partner, not as a single mother of THREE! They are a constant reminder that I ignored my gut and I have intense regret about having them even when i had doubts in the first trimester. It’s difficult to admit that but it’s true. That’s not just the post partum depression talking...
As for the kids since they were 6weeks old he started coming over 3-4nights a week to take care of them at night. (Always sleeps with them in another room)
Last week I told him to take them with him instead of staying the night here on a weeknight. That weekend I asked him to take them Saturday morning to Sunday afternoon and he did.
What are your thoughts on this - I think it will be best that for his time with them he takes them rather than be here in the house. It minimizes my contact with him. And god do I need the break too! I’m with the twins All the time and it is too hard. Ideally he can take them for most of the weekends so I can gain a semblanyof sanity and a life. I do have my older daughter to take of too!
It is hard to see the kids as a blessing and they are definitely not getting me through this. I’m having massive regret. He misled me and I bought into it. I never wanted more kids but went against my gut. I feel trapped caring for children I never considered I would raise as a single mother. It’s like I want them but only with a partner, not as a single mother of THREE! They are a constant reminder that I ignored my gut and I have intense regret about having them even when i had doubts in the first trimester. It’s difficult to admit that but it’s true. That’s not just the post partum depression talking...
Also, I can tell you that during the divorce process and for some time after it, your kids will be difficult. Their emotions will be all over the place. They may not have the ability to express their fears. So they will have behavioral problems: tantrums, sleep problems, eating problems, difficulties at school... etc. Don't underestimate the effect that trauma will have on a child. You are going to be traumatized by your experience, but imagine that trauma on a child, who is less able to cope. I hope you are able to find support for your children. If you know any services that offer child counseling, please make use of them.
Finally... the first question you asked was about childcare. You say that he wanted children more than you. But you also say that he contributed little to their care financially. He also cheated on their mother. I don't think a father who really wants kids does this. Always look at his actions and see if they match his words... and don't settle for token gestures. So he does weekends and sleeps in the room with them? Okay... a Border Collie can do that (actually a Border Collie can probably do lots of things that I can't do, but you get the general idea). I would be wary of depending on him for ANYTHING. It is possible that he wanted kids to keep you in the relationship, to keep you busy so that he can gallivant around with other women (that he probably also lies to), or because it makes him look good. If he isn't paying for childcare or necessities or paying very minimally, if he isn't willing to sacrifice his lifestyle for his kids and expect you to do all of that for them, you can be certain that he will loose interest in them over time. Have a read around the boards. There are so many horror stories about children being used against their exes -- I don't know where or when I read this but one guy kept spending time with the kids at this ex wife's house because he wanted his new girlfriend to think that his ex wife was "controlling" and "wanted him back", which is why he was always at her house with his kids. And the reason that he wanted his new girlfriend to think this was because it made the new girlfriend feel like she had "competition", it made her insecure, so in this way, he had power over her... . Any woman who isn't your ally has been brainwashed or is being conned... and it also isn't your job to "fix" them. People learn when and if they learn. Remember that.
I think that minimizing contact with him will be good for you... but it's only good for the children to go with him on weekends if he is capable of taking care of them. Please document everything that happens. Every time you have contact with him, you should document it. I guess... wait and see? More will be revealed. You can do this. You may not be the most 100% mom right now, but cut yourself some slack. Don't expect the laundry to be done, the dishes to be clean, etc... not right now. This is temporary. You and your kids will heal.
As usual, because my posts are overly long and opinionated, take what makes sense to you and ignore the rest.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
Please document everything that happens. Every time you have contact with him, you should document it. I guess... wait and see? More will be revealed. You can do this. You may not be the most 100% mom right now, but cut yourself some slack. Don't expect the laundry to be done, the dishes to be clean, etc... not right now. This is temporary. You and your kids will heal.
As usual, because my posts are overly long and opinionated, take what makes sense to you and ignore the rest.
As usual, because my posts are overly long and opinionated, take what makes sense to you and ignore the rest.
Also please know that I recognize that everything you have written here is the truth. What I have learned over the past 48 hours validates the truth of absolutely everything ou have said. I’m posting an update shortly. Your long opinionated post makes all the sense in the world to me. Don’t stop.
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