Husband relapsed during 3rd trimester, sobered up, started cheating. HELP.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 30
Husband relapsed during 3rd trimester, sobered up, started cheating. HELP.
This will be long. I hope you stick with it enough to offer advice, experience, support, or anything you have.
We met on an online dating app 6.5 years ago when he initiated contact. Within a month he said he wanted to be my man and told me he loved me shortly there after. Sex was passionate, fun, intense and freeing. He practically worshipped me with the way he heaped the highest compliments onto me, to the point that it made me uncomfortable while also leaving me on cloud nine. No one had ever made me feel so beautiful, sexy, desired or adored with this much intensity or vigor.
6 weeks in i could tell he was lying about cutting off contact with women he’d been involved with before we became exclusive. I knew it in my gut, his text messages proved me right. That was the first big red flag I ignored. The pattern would continue on and off through the years where he would lie about his interactions with women then i’d check his phone and see what was actually going on.
What I know today that i didn’t know all these years, is that he was never upfront in the beginning about the fact that he is a big flirt who likes to charm women so that they flatter him for being smart and funny. THAT’S IT. It never went beyond that, but he would lie and be sneaky about it and tell more lies over something that was truthfully not that big of a deal. However trust was repeatedly broken by him lying about women he was in contact with and texting with.
We married 4 years ago and all things considered he was a very loving, caring, affectionate, dependable, punctual, supportive husband and influence on my daughter. It’s why I kept overlooking the fact that he was a liar who i could not fully trust.
I’d been adamant that I would never get pregnant again and he was ok with it even on the day we married. Along the way i changed my mind because of how tight we were - me him and my daughter. It was the happiest and fullest love i’ve ever felt (despite the lies, deception, omitting, and gas lighting regarding women) and he was a dream as a father figure to her.
All these years he was very active in AA mens groups and a lot of those people were part of our family life. I attended Al Anon for about 6 months then stopped. I did get a sponsor and we stayed in touch. Then we moved a couple towns away.
For years I ignored the fact that just about everyday he ate at least 5 ibuprofen before bed. In March 2017 he told me he had relapsed and had been getting loaded on opiate pills and booze for about a month. He was remorseful and immediately started going to AA daily and stayed sober. I was pissed because we had been trying to conceive for 3 months at that point and he had been getting loaded for most of it. A few months passed and he remained very committed to sobriety. So we resumed trying to get pregnant.
In October 2017 it was confirmed I was pregnant with TWINS. He doted on me, but he also started lying about the nature of his interactions with a woman he befriended in AA. Basically he was trying to be her Tony Robbins and her sponsor. Would text her all the time and call her yet tell me otherwise. There was never anything sexual but he did lie deny and gaslight me alot over it.
Finally in December 2017 I’d had enough of his lying in general and told him i’m ready to terminate the pregnancy and marriage because I can no longer endure his lies. He pleaded, came clean, ended contact and really doubled down on us. Against my gut instinct, I bought into the perceived change.
When I was 6 months pregnant in March 2018 he changed. I did not know what to do and was too caught up being pregnant, working and getting ready for birth that I decided to detatch for my sanity. I was tired of arguing all the time and the stress.i knew he was lying about something because his behavior was so radically different.
In Mid April I found him in the bathroom nodding out at 530am with syringes, blood and vomit on and around him. I was utterly devastated and terrified. Found out he had been shooting up heroin, crack and drinking every single day for 5 weeks and lying to me about literally EVERYTHING throughout that time. He went into rehab the next day and stayed for 2.5 weeks. I contacted my Al Anon sponsor from years ago immediately and she has gotten me through the very darkest moments since that day.
I decided not to have him at the birth. He was still in rehab when I went into labor on May 1st. When he got out he moved into an SLE for two weeks later into an apartment where he somehow ended up living alone. I feared the worst. He had moved out, I was home with the newborns, severely depressed, feeling abandoned, furious, lonel, shattered, overwhelmed, very hormonal and for the first time ever - suicidal. Between the relapse, birth and postpartum I felt traumatized.
We started having regular contact when the twins were 3 weeks old and he was always angry, volatile, argumentative and downright hurtful. I found out he’d been spending hours talking to his ex and texting with her. It felt like a blow to the heart. We were living apart and I absolutely did not trust him. He was also acting distant. Told me he changed all codes and passwords and said I will never have access to any of his Information because he does not trust me.
Despite my repeated request for radical honesty and transparency over these past four months he has repeatedly refused. I’ve felt really stupid for hoping for change and eventual reconciliation.
I’ve cried my eyes out almost everyday in utter despair and deep grief for the loss of the family and husband i thought i had. My new reality is raising twins mostly alone, not as a couple or a family like I’d expected. I got blindsided and got the life knocked out of me.
That he has been acting retaliatory, distant, hurtful etc since the relapse has been devastating on top of me dealing with our newborn twins. Everytime we get into conversations where i start asking him questions seeking honesty, he gets super thorny by acting defensive, turns things around on me, disengages, and downright acts offended that i am asking him questions or looking for the truth. The best way i can describe it is he had me on a pedestal and exalted me for years. Now since relapse it feels like he ripped the pedestal off me, put on new shoes and looks down with indifference or disgust everytime i ask him to look at or clean up the wreckage he caused.
I started therpy two months ago due to severe postpartum depression, suicidal thoughts and total despair. Ive been on Zoloft ever since.
Fast forward and in July I found out he was on dating apps. He admitted to it and said everything was in his life had gone down the drain and it was just an escape but also retaliatory because he was mad at me because he felt I’d abandoned him when he relapsed. That all he did was flirt with women on the app and via text, and once met a woman for a coffee date that ended with a hug and no further contact.
A month ago he started telling me he was having doubts about us. That he’d been having doubts for two years. This was after telling me over and over since the relapse that all he wanted was for us to reconcile. I was furious because during that period we tried to get pregnant for almost a year! He kept saying that he was miserable without me and our family and wanted back in but was acting distance, being avoidant, deflecting, deflecting and I felt strongly that he was lying and withholding but had no way to be certain. I just knew his words and actions were not matching up. He has refused to be open, vulnerable or honest throughout. I do it but he will not reciprocate. Its like he has turned into a devil and i doubt he ever loved me. He keeps saying he’s not ready to be vulnerable. That he is not sure he wants to be married anymore but is giving this his all despite his refusal to be radically honest. He invalidates just about everything i say.
Last week we had our first couples therapy and afterwards he admitted he had sex twice with a chick he met on a dating app.. Said it was only sex and nothing more and he did not feel good about it. However he has not shown genuine remorse and does not appear to be sorry even though he says he is. He has also continually refused to prove and give any assurance that he has ended all contact with the women he started messing with during this time we’ve been living apart. His defense is he will not allow me to go through his phone. That he will not engage in that dysfunction and will not allow me to be a cop. This is despite the fact that i keep saying i would have never looked at his phone if he had never lied. I feel crazy. How the hell is this my life? I cannot forgive myself for letting things come to this and now we have children together. I had a chance at a clean break and ignored my gut. I kick myself everyday for it. Today I found a woman’s underwear in his gym bag. What i know for sure right now is that whatever I know is only the tip of the iceberg.
We met on an online dating app 6.5 years ago when he initiated contact. Within a month he said he wanted to be my man and told me he loved me shortly there after. Sex was passionate, fun, intense and freeing. He practically worshipped me with the way he heaped the highest compliments onto me, to the point that it made me uncomfortable while also leaving me on cloud nine. No one had ever made me feel so beautiful, sexy, desired or adored with this much intensity or vigor.
6 weeks in i could tell he was lying about cutting off contact with women he’d been involved with before we became exclusive. I knew it in my gut, his text messages proved me right. That was the first big red flag I ignored. The pattern would continue on and off through the years where he would lie about his interactions with women then i’d check his phone and see what was actually going on.
What I know today that i didn’t know all these years, is that he was never upfront in the beginning about the fact that he is a big flirt who likes to charm women so that they flatter him for being smart and funny. THAT’S IT. It never went beyond that, but he would lie and be sneaky about it and tell more lies over something that was truthfully not that big of a deal. However trust was repeatedly broken by him lying about women he was in contact with and texting with.
We married 4 years ago and all things considered he was a very loving, caring, affectionate, dependable, punctual, supportive husband and influence on my daughter. It’s why I kept overlooking the fact that he was a liar who i could not fully trust.
I’d been adamant that I would never get pregnant again and he was ok with it even on the day we married. Along the way i changed my mind because of how tight we were - me him and my daughter. It was the happiest and fullest love i’ve ever felt (despite the lies, deception, omitting, and gas lighting regarding women) and he was a dream as a father figure to her.
All these years he was very active in AA mens groups and a lot of those people were part of our family life. I attended Al Anon for about 6 months then stopped. I did get a sponsor and we stayed in touch. Then we moved a couple towns away.
For years I ignored the fact that just about everyday he ate at least 5 ibuprofen before bed. In March 2017 he told me he had relapsed and had been getting loaded on opiate pills and booze for about a month. He was remorseful and immediately started going to AA daily and stayed sober. I was pissed because we had been trying to conceive for 3 months at that point and he had been getting loaded for most of it. A few months passed and he remained very committed to sobriety. So we resumed trying to get pregnant.
In October 2017 it was confirmed I was pregnant with TWINS. He doted on me, but he also started lying about the nature of his interactions with a woman he befriended in AA. Basically he was trying to be her Tony Robbins and her sponsor. Would text her all the time and call her yet tell me otherwise. There was never anything sexual but he did lie deny and gaslight me alot over it.
Finally in December 2017 I’d had enough of his lying in general and told him i’m ready to terminate the pregnancy and marriage because I can no longer endure his lies. He pleaded, came clean, ended contact and really doubled down on us. Against my gut instinct, I bought into the perceived change.
When I was 6 months pregnant in March 2018 he changed. I did not know what to do and was too caught up being pregnant, working and getting ready for birth that I decided to detatch for my sanity. I was tired of arguing all the time and the stress.i knew he was lying about something because his behavior was so radically different.
In Mid April I found him in the bathroom nodding out at 530am with syringes, blood and vomit on and around him. I was utterly devastated and terrified. Found out he had been shooting up heroin, crack and drinking every single day for 5 weeks and lying to me about literally EVERYTHING throughout that time. He went into rehab the next day and stayed for 2.5 weeks. I contacted my Al Anon sponsor from years ago immediately and she has gotten me through the very darkest moments since that day.
I decided not to have him at the birth. He was still in rehab when I went into labor on May 1st. When he got out he moved into an SLE for two weeks later into an apartment where he somehow ended up living alone. I feared the worst. He had moved out, I was home with the newborns, severely depressed, feeling abandoned, furious, lonel, shattered, overwhelmed, very hormonal and for the first time ever - suicidal. Between the relapse, birth and postpartum I felt traumatized.
We started having regular contact when the twins were 3 weeks old and he was always angry, volatile, argumentative and downright hurtful. I found out he’d been spending hours talking to his ex and texting with her. It felt like a blow to the heart. We were living apart and I absolutely did not trust him. He was also acting distant. Told me he changed all codes and passwords and said I will never have access to any of his Information because he does not trust me.
Despite my repeated request for radical honesty and transparency over these past four months he has repeatedly refused. I’ve felt really stupid for hoping for change and eventual reconciliation.
I’ve cried my eyes out almost everyday in utter despair and deep grief for the loss of the family and husband i thought i had. My new reality is raising twins mostly alone, not as a couple or a family like I’d expected. I got blindsided and got the life knocked out of me.
That he has been acting retaliatory, distant, hurtful etc since the relapse has been devastating on top of me dealing with our newborn twins. Everytime we get into conversations where i start asking him questions seeking honesty, he gets super thorny by acting defensive, turns things around on me, disengages, and downright acts offended that i am asking him questions or looking for the truth. The best way i can describe it is he had me on a pedestal and exalted me for years. Now since relapse it feels like he ripped the pedestal off me, put on new shoes and looks down with indifference or disgust everytime i ask him to look at or clean up the wreckage he caused.
I started therpy two months ago due to severe postpartum depression, suicidal thoughts and total despair. Ive been on Zoloft ever since.
Fast forward and in July I found out he was on dating apps. He admitted to it and said everything was in his life had gone down the drain and it was just an escape but also retaliatory because he was mad at me because he felt I’d abandoned him when he relapsed. That all he did was flirt with women on the app and via text, and once met a woman for a coffee date that ended with a hug and no further contact.
A month ago he started telling me he was having doubts about us. That he’d been having doubts for two years. This was after telling me over and over since the relapse that all he wanted was for us to reconcile. I was furious because during that period we tried to get pregnant for almost a year! He kept saying that he was miserable without me and our family and wanted back in but was acting distance, being avoidant, deflecting, deflecting and I felt strongly that he was lying and withholding but had no way to be certain. I just knew his words and actions were not matching up. He has refused to be open, vulnerable or honest throughout. I do it but he will not reciprocate. Its like he has turned into a devil and i doubt he ever loved me. He keeps saying he’s not ready to be vulnerable. That he is not sure he wants to be married anymore but is giving this his all despite his refusal to be radically honest. He invalidates just about everything i say.
Last week we had our first couples therapy and afterwards he admitted he had sex twice with a chick he met on a dating app.. Said it was only sex and nothing more and he did not feel good about it. However he has not shown genuine remorse and does not appear to be sorry even though he says he is. He has also continually refused to prove and give any assurance that he has ended all contact with the women he started messing with during this time we’ve been living apart. His defense is he will not allow me to go through his phone. That he will not engage in that dysfunction and will not allow me to be a cop. This is despite the fact that i keep saying i would have never looked at his phone if he had never lied. I feel crazy. How the hell is this my life? I cannot forgive myself for letting things come to this and now we have children together. I had a chance at a clean break and ignored my gut. I kick myself everyday for it. Today I found a woman’s underwear in his gym bag. What i know for sure right now is that whatever I know is only the tip of the iceberg.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
He's abusive. Counseling is ineffective for abusive relationships. It will only serve as another vehicle for abuse. He will get the counselor to side with him and you will feel crazier than ever.
As bad as things are right now, they can, and most likely will, get worse if you stay.
I'm sorry, but this person is not who they showed themselves to be in the beginning. You'll never get the person you fell in love with back- that was all just an act to hook you in.
Please be careful.
As bad as things are right now, they can, and most likely will, get worse if you stay.
I'm sorry, but this person is not who they showed themselves to be in the beginning. You'll never get the person you fell in love with back- that was all just an act to hook you in.
Please be careful.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Hi ISO and welcome. Sorry for what brings you here but glad you found SR.
Well, what a horrible time you have had. I don't know if you have had a chance to read around the forums much but there is a wealth of information here at SR.
You might want to start with these stickies found at the top of the page in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
The man is a liar, that's not new news for you but I wonder if you think that perhaps you have been in this mire so long that you now think of it as almost "normal".
Now I don't mean to imply you accept his lies or think it's ok, that is obviously not the case, however you have put up with this for years. You know for a fact you can't trust him and basically never could but you attempt to have him face that and him correct that.
This seems unlikely.
You've been to Al-Anon, you've heard the three Cs - You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.
This doesn't just apply to addiction. It also applies to any situation where you require a person to change.
There is a lot to cover here and I hope you keep posting. As for looking at his phone, what is the purpose? While it is true that a SO who has cheated should be forthcoming in trying to earn back trust, that doesn't seem to be his focus. He is a liar, he knows it and he doesn't seem like he is interested in changing that.
Well, maybe he is actually being honest here, maybe this is as good as he gets at being honest. Maybe he is not willing (or able, who knows) to go further.
Well, what a horrible time you have had. I don't know if you have had a chance to read around the forums much but there is a wealth of information here at SR.
You might want to start with these stickies found at the top of the page in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
The man is a liar, that's not new news for you but I wonder if you think that perhaps you have been in this mire so long that you now think of it as almost "normal".
Now I don't mean to imply you accept his lies or think it's ok, that is obviously not the case, however you have put up with this for years. You know for a fact you can't trust him and basically never could but you attempt to have him face that and him correct that.
This seems unlikely.
You've been to Al-Anon, you've heard the three Cs - You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.
This doesn't just apply to addiction. It also applies to any situation where you require a person to change.
There is a lot to cover here and I hope you keep posting. As for looking at his phone, what is the purpose? While it is true that a SO who has cheated should be forthcoming in trying to earn back trust, that doesn't seem to be his focus. He is a liar, he knows it and he doesn't seem like he is interested in changing that.
hat he is not sure he wants to be married anymore but is giving this his all despite his refusal to be radically honest
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
As painful as this is, it is time to face the truth that this man has shown you exactly who he is and he isn't going to change any time soon...so it's up to you to find your own better path, for yourself and for your daughter and twins.
Living with active addiction, and all that goes with it including cheating, brings the hell and darkness into our homes and lives and is a dangerous situation for children, emotionally, mentally and physically.
If you want better for your children then be the example and move forward. They are better in a loving home with one parent than in a home where addiction lives.
I am sorry your are going through this and glad you have meetings and a sponsor to help you get through it.
Hugs
Living with active addiction, and all that goes with it including cheating, brings the hell and darkness into our homes and lives and is a dangerous situation for children, emotionally, mentally and physically.
If you want better for your children then be the example and move forward. They are better in a loving home with one parent than in a home where addiction lives.
I am sorry your are going through this and glad you have meetings and a sponsor to help you get through it.
Hugs
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I'm really sorry for what brings you here. I think you know that no amount of couple's therapy is going to change things if the person you are in therapy with is a liar... because they can lie to the therapist. Why do you want to save a relationship with someone who lies to you? Lying is extremely disrespectful. The person doing it is someone who thinks you are an idiot who can be conned! I know that sounds harsh but I've been with a liar, I know what it's like. I was gas-lighted by an abusive addict husband and the gas-lighting continued in couple's therapy. In fact the therapist was duped into colluding with him -- he used to call her secretly and fake-cry and say that I was expecting too much from him etc... etc... and that I was "driving him to drugs". Interesting thing about that was that he only started calling her and feeding her lies AFTER I found out that he was cheating and I confronted him and told him that I had to discuss it in therapy. So basically, because he was a liar, he started lying about me to someone I trusted with my psychological health... and he did this because I said that I had boundaries around his bad behavior.
"We married 4 years ago and all things considered he was a very loving, caring, affectionate, dependable, punctual, supportive husband and influence on my daughter. It’s why I kept overlooking the fact that he was a liar who i could not fully trust."
A person who is lying to you doesn't love you with respect and respecting someone is part of loving someone. A person who is lying to you is not someone who cares about you, the care they put into the relationship with you is just enough to get what they want out of the relationship, but not enough that it's actually equal to the care you put into the relationship. No one can depend on a liar because dependence relies on trust and you can't trust a liar.
So what you have left is a man who was punctual and affectionate. I can do that for you and I don't know you. Want a hug? I can give you a big friendly, affectionate hug. Want me to be punctual? I can do that too! I might even argue that being affectionate was him getting something he wants -- so that's not for you or the relationship, that was for him. Some cheating liars view sex as a vanity project so they try to be sexperts -- this is for him not you. I'm not sure if there are statistics out there about this sort of behavior, but it is connected to narcissism. You (or I) can get the same type of service from a toy (sorry to be crude). So what you are left with is a guy who is punctual. You can get that from a wristwatch or a mobile phone. You don't need him to be punctual. If you consider that you found him surrounded by blood and vomit recently... I don't think you can expect him to be on time anymore.
This man is not worthy of being the father to his children. He is not worthy of himself. He needs to grow the **** up, get his a$$ into recovery... and so do you. You should seek face to face support at Naranon or Alanon. See if there are any domestic violence services near you.
I don't know what will happen to your relationship in the long term. Some people stay, some leave -- different folk, different choices. I left. I had to save myself from the insanity. I tend to advise people to do the same, but we are not supposed to offer "advice" here, just compassion and support. I do know that in the short term (and by that I mean in the next 6, 8, 12 months), you need to detach... let God (or the universe or whatever) figure this guy out. If you give him the information he needs to get into rehab and then let him choose to go or not, and then do what you need to do to keep you and your kids safe, that is the best you could do. I highly suggest that you keep your safety plans to yourself and not share them with him... don't even tell him about SR, because I agree with everyone here who says that he's abusive.
He is abusive. He doesn't have to hit you (yet) to be abusive. His general disrespect for you is the foundation of the type of thinking that can lead to physical violence. The fact that you were trying for children and he was sleeping around proves that he actually didn't care about his future children... EVEN if you think he's good with the kids. If anything, he can use the kids against you by making them his allies (and this is NOT the action of a loving father). Please keep yourself safe.
"We married 4 years ago and all things considered he was a very loving, caring, affectionate, dependable, punctual, supportive husband and influence on my daughter. It’s why I kept overlooking the fact that he was a liar who i could not fully trust."
A person who is lying to you doesn't love you with respect and respecting someone is part of loving someone. A person who is lying to you is not someone who cares about you, the care they put into the relationship with you is just enough to get what they want out of the relationship, but not enough that it's actually equal to the care you put into the relationship. No one can depend on a liar because dependence relies on trust and you can't trust a liar.
So what you have left is a man who was punctual and affectionate. I can do that for you and I don't know you. Want a hug? I can give you a big friendly, affectionate hug. Want me to be punctual? I can do that too! I might even argue that being affectionate was him getting something he wants -- so that's not for you or the relationship, that was for him. Some cheating liars view sex as a vanity project so they try to be sexperts -- this is for him not you. I'm not sure if there are statistics out there about this sort of behavior, but it is connected to narcissism. You (or I) can get the same type of service from a toy (sorry to be crude). So what you are left with is a guy who is punctual. You can get that from a wristwatch or a mobile phone. You don't need him to be punctual. If you consider that you found him surrounded by blood and vomit recently... I don't think you can expect him to be on time anymore.
This man is not worthy of being the father to his children. He is not worthy of himself. He needs to grow the **** up, get his a$$ into recovery... and so do you. You should seek face to face support at Naranon or Alanon. See if there are any domestic violence services near you.
I don't know what will happen to your relationship in the long term. Some people stay, some leave -- different folk, different choices. I left. I had to save myself from the insanity. I tend to advise people to do the same, but we are not supposed to offer "advice" here, just compassion and support. I do know that in the short term (and by that I mean in the next 6, 8, 12 months), you need to detach... let God (or the universe or whatever) figure this guy out. If you give him the information he needs to get into rehab and then let him choose to go or not, and then do what you need to do to keep you and your kids safe, that is the best you could do. I highly suggest that you keep your safety plans to yourself and not share them with him... don't even tell him about SR, because I agree with everyone here who says that he's abusive.
He is abusive. He doesn't have to hit you (yet) to be abusive. His general disrespect for you is the foundation of the type of thinking that can lead to physical violence. The fact that you were trying for children and he was sleeping around proves that he actually didn't care about his future children... EVEN if you think he's good with the kids. If anything, he can use the kids against you by making them his allies (and this is NOT the action of a loving father). Please keep yourself safe.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
What a very hurtful and painful life you have with trying to hold onto to someone who doesn’t want to be held. It’s a painful acceptance and one that can heal but not accepting it is just living daily with that pain.
His actions are truly showing that his words of……….
Are true! He does not want to be married, to be responsible, to be a good father or husband, no addict is or can be in active addiction. We get hung up on making every attempt to remove the drugs as we believe this is the cause of their unacceptable behaviors but as he is showing you those behaviors of lying and cheating are happening in sobriety as well.
You still have that chance, I’d take it.
His actions are truly showing that his words of……….
A month ago he started telling me he was having doubts about us. That he’d been having doubts for two years.
I had a chance at a clean break and ignored my gut. I kick myself everyday for it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
Sounds like a dishonest, lying person who is insecure and not ready to step up and be in a real relationship.
do you see something else here?
do you see something else here?
Post relapse He said the optics were always really important to him. That me being with him made him look cool and he loved how it felt for people to look at him and think - “damn he got HER! He must be a hell of a guy for snagging her”
I now believe it was never love. He loved how it felt to be seen as the guy who was with me. He was always effusive in displaying affection and dependability but now I think it was more for him and how it makes him feel.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs
He's abusive. Counseling is ineffective for abusive relationships. It will only serve as another vehicle for abuse. He will get the counselor to side with him and you will feel crazier than ever.
As bad as things are right now, they can, and most likely will, get worse if you stay.
I'm sorry, but this person is not who they showed themselves to be in the beginning. You'll never get the person you fell in love with back- that was all just an act to hook you in.
Please be careful.
As bad as things are right now, they can, and most likely will, get worse if you stay.
I'm sorry, but this person is not who they showed themselves to be in the beginning. You'll never get the person you fell in love with back- that was all just an act to hook you in.
Please be careful.
I’ve been in therapist the past two months and my therapist suspects he is a narcissist... during rehab he had a grand revelation that he is codependent and as I’ve learned what that is, I see some truth is that as well.
Abusive narcissistic codependent lying addict....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by trailmix
The man is a liar, that's not new news for you but I wonder if you think that perhaps you have been in this mire so long that you now think of it as almost "normal".
Now I don't mean to imply you accept his lies or think it's ok, that is obviously not the case, however you have put up with this for years. You know for a fact you can't trust him and basically never could but you attempt to have him face that and him correct that.
This seems unlikely.
You've been to Al-Anon, you've heard the three Cs - You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.
This doesn't just apply to addiction. It also applies to any situation where you require a person to change.
There is a lot to cover here and I hope you keep posting. As for looking at his phone, what is the purpose? While it is true that a SO who has cheated should be forthcoming in trying to earn back trust, that doesn't seem to be his focus. He is a liar, he knows it and he doesn't seem like he is interested in changing that. Maybe he is not willing (or able, who knows) to go further.
Now I don't mean to imply you accept his lies or think it's ok, that is obviously not the case, however you have put up with this for years. You know for a fact you can't trust him and basically never could but you attempt to have him face that and him correct that.
This seems unlikely.
You've been to Al-Anon, you've heard the three Cs - You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.
This doesn't just apply to addiction. It also applies to any situation where you require a person to change.
There is a lot to cover here and I hope you keep posting. As for looking at his phone, what is the purpose? While it is true that a SO who has cheated should be forthcoming in trying to earn back trust, that doesn't seem to be his focus. He is a liar, he knows it and he doesn't seem like he is interested in changing that. Maybe he is not willing (or able, who knows) to go further.
Yes it has become somewhat normal to be in this vicious cycle of suspicion, doubt, looking through his phone, confronting, finally getting the truth from him in increments, him apologizing, me accepting but still having doubts, periods of calm and comfort then it starts again. It is craziness and I can’t do it anymore.
The purpose of looking at his phone: so I can see the full truth for myself. So I can know the full extent of his lies and betrayal. So that I know with certainty that divorce really is the only answer (even though my gut already says it is I just want validation and assurance).
I also agree that him saying he doesn’t tho l he wants to be married might be the one thing he is actually being honest about.
That hurts to the deepest of My core because we could have ended long before I ever got pregnant. I feel like he played wit my life and now I’m the one who has been and will continue to carry the lions share of the load raising twins and my daughter as a single mother
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Originally Posted by ISOfulfillment
Thank you. I’m beginning to understand that he may never have been who I thought he was. I feel like I was conned by a fraud
Then blame yourself for not being more intuitive or following your gut feelings or whatever you choose to blame yourself with.
Please try not to do that. When someone lies to you that's all on THEM. You don't have to be "smart" or cunning or slick to lie, you just have to be able to make up a story, that's it. All of us are capable of lying and probably pretty well. That someone else would believe it - well why wouldn't you??
For instance if I told you I was a rocket scientist, why wouldn't you believe me? I could back that up with a few vague facts, it might not be until months down the road that you started to get hints that hey - she doesn't seem very "rocket- sciencey".
Now does that make you gullible or does it just make me a liar? I say it's the former. Most of the time, in my experience, most normal people do tell the truth. When you come upon someone who is a consummate liar, please don't blame yourself for believing him.
Once you started to have an inkling that all was not kosher, you started to question and he threw that back at you. Again, that's on him.
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Originally Posted by Ann
As painful as this is, it is time to face the truth that this man has shown you exactly who he is and he isn't going to change any time soon...so it's up to you to find your own better path, for yourself and for your daughter and twins.
Living with active addiction, and all that goes with it including cheating, brings the hell and darkness into our homes and lives and is a dangerous situation for children, emotionally, mentally and physically.
Living with active addiction, and all that goes with it including cheating, brings the hell and darkness into our homes and lives and is a dangerous situation for children, emotionally, mentally and physically.
To clarify he is not actively using. He is clean but actively lying, withholding, avoiding, hurting, cheating and all that...
I have not been able to make it into a meeting yet bc I’m with the babies all the time but I’m going to make it a priority To go this week and next. Somehow... and I’ll be in these forums
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
I'm really sorry for what brings you here. I think you know that no amount of couple's therapy is going to change things if the person you are in therapy with is a liar...
A person who is lying to you doesn't love you with respect and respecting someone is part of loving someone. A person who is lying to you is not someone who cares about you, the care they put into the relationship with you is just enough to get what they want out of the relationship, but not enough that it's actually equal to the care you put into the relationship. No one can depend on a liar because dependence relies on trust and you can't trust a liar.
You should seek face to face support at Naranon or Alanon. See if there are any domestic violence services near you.
I left. I had to save myself from the insanity. I do know that in the short term (and by that I mean in the next 6, 8, 12 months), you need to detach... let God (or the universe or whatever) figure this guy out.
He is abusive. He doesn't have to hit you (yet) to be abusive. His general disrespect for you is the foundation of the type of thinking that can lead to physical violence. The fact that you were trying for children and he was sleeping around proves that he actually didn't care about his future children... EVEN if you think he's good with the kids. If anything, he can use the kids against you by making them his allies (and this is NOT the action of a loving father). Please keep yourself safe.
A person who is lying to you doesn't love you with respect and respecting someone is part of loving someone. A person who is lying to you is not someone who cares about you, the care they put into the relationship with you is just enough to get what they want out of the relationship, but not enough that it's actually equal to the care you put into the relationship. No one can depend on a liar because dependence relies on trust and you can't trust a liar.
You should seek face to face support at Naranon or Alanon. See if there are any domestic violence services near you.
I left. I had to save myself from the insanity. I do know that in the short term (and by that I mean in the next 6, 8, 12 months), you need to detach... let God (or the universe or whatever) figure this guy out.
He is abusive. He doesn't have to hit you (yet) to be abusive. His general disrespect for you is the foundation of the type of thinking that can lead to physical violence. The fact that you were trying for children and he was sleeping around proves that he actually didn't care about his future children... EVEN if you think he's good with the kids. If anything, he can use the kids against you by making them his allies (and this is NOT the action of a loving father). Please keep yourself safe.
I just want to clarify that he is sober, he went into detox day after I found him in mid April and has been sober since.
He started cheating on me when the twins were about 3 weeks old and progressed from flirting on apps and text to sex... I still don’t know the full extent of his cheating because, well he is a liar claiming to be honest. But doesn’t change the fact that he relapsed, abandoned me, continued lying then cheated on me.
I will try to make it to a meeting this week and next. It’s hard with the twins but I need to find a way.
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Originally Posted by atalose
What a very hurtful and painful life you have with trying to hold onto to someone who doesn’t want to be held. It’s a painful acceptance and one that can heal but not accepting it is just living daily with that pain.
He does not want to be married, to be responsible, to be a good father or husband, no addict is or can be in active addiction. We get hung up on making every attempt to remove the drugs as we believe this is the cause of their unacceptable behaviors but as he is showing you those behaviors of lying and cheating are happening in sobriety
He does not want to be married, to be responsible, to be a good father or husband, no addict is or can be in active addiction. We get hung up on making every attempt to remove the drugs as we believe this is the cause of their unacceptable behaviors but as he is showing you those behaviors of lying and cheating are happening in sobriety
It is very clear right now that he does not want to be married...the lying and cheating is even worse than I thought. But I already knew that.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
Abusive narcissistic codependent lying addict....
aka JACKASS!!!
"sober" is the least of this guy's problems......the other stuff i don't think is really fixable. it's pathological.
aka JACKASS!!!
"sober" is the least of this guy's problems......the other stuff i don't think is really fixable. it's pathological.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
This may well be true, but a word of caution. It's easy at this point to say - I was conned! He presented himself as something he is not and I fell for it!
Then blame yourself for not being more intuitive or following your gut feelings or whatever you choose to blame yourself with.
Please try not to do that. When someone lies to you that's all on THEM. You don't have to be "smart" or cunning or slick to lie, you just have to be able to make up a story, that's it.
Once you started to have an inkling that all was not kosher, you started to question and he threw that back at you. Again, that's on him.
Then blame yourself for not being more intuitive or following your gut feelings or whatever you choose to blame yourself with.
Please try not to do that. When someone lies to you that's all on THEM. You don't have to be "smart" or cunning or slick to lie, you just have to be able to make up a story, that's it.
Once you started to have an inkling that all was not kosher, you started to question and he threw that back at you. Again, that's on him.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by trailmix
This may well be true, but a word of caution. It's easy at this point to say - I was conned! He presented himself as something he is not and I fell for it!
Then blame yourself for not being more intuitive or following your gut feelings or whatever you choose to blame yourself with.
Please try not to do that. When someone lies to you that's all on THEM. You don't have to be "smart" or cunning or slick to lie, you just have to be able to make up a story, that's it. All of us are capable of lying and probably pretty well. That someone else would believe it - well why wouldn't you??
For instance if I told you I was a rocket scientist, why wouldn't you believe me? I could back that up with a few vague facts, it might not be until months down the road that you started to get hints that hey - she doesn't seem very "rocket- sciencey".
Now does that make you gullible or does it just make me a liar? I say it's the former. Most of the time, in my experience, most normal people do tell the truth. When you come upon someone who is a consummate liar, please don't blame yourself for believing him.
Once you started to have an inkling that all was not kosher, you started to question and he threw that back at you. Again, that's on him.
Then blame yourself for not being more intuitive or following your gut feelings or whatever you choose to blame yourself with.
Please try not to do that. When someone lies to you that's all on THEM. You don't have to be "smart" or cunning or slick to lie, you just have to be able to make up a story, that's it. All of us are capable of lying and probably pretty well. That someone else would believe it - well why wouldn't you??
For instance if I told you I was a rocket scientist, why wouldn't you believe me? I could back that up with a few vague facts, it might not be until months down the road that you started to get hints that hey - she doesn't seem very "rocket- sciencey".
Now does that make you gullible or does it just make me a liar? I say it's the former. Most of the time, in my experience, most normal people do tell the truth. When you come upon someone who is a consummate liar, please don't blame yourself for believing him.
Once you started to have an inkling that all was not kosher, you started to question and he threw that back at you. Again, that's on him.
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